Re-initiating Contact After No Contact

[highseas]

Backdrop: I went out with this girl for a few times over the summer. She grew more distant and we did not maintain text contact for a long time. Last went out with her two months ago. We did not text for a whole month and there was one short exchange two weeks ago.

 

Bumped into her a couple of times in the last couple of weeks. In both instances she smiled, waved, said hi and made small talk (not the second time, since I was talking with others, but she did wave and smile at me when she could have avoided me without me seeing her).

 

After bumping into her today I asked if she'd like to go for coffee and catch up and I suggested two specific times today. She texted back a couple of minutes later and wrote that she has "plans today, maybe next week?"

 

Do you think we will indeed meet up? Or is it just a stalling tactic and she'll hope that I forget next week? It is not the answer I was hoping for, but it does give me a glimmer of hope, since she could have simply written "sorry I have plans already." instead of adding "maybe next week?". She had done this to me once before when she said she was busy and would get back to me and never did (more than a month ago), that's when I stopped contacting her until seeing her more recently and her smiling and waving.

 

Should I be even more bold and just ask her out on a date unambiguously, or should I start with "catching up" (that's what I said: to have coffee and catch up) and then, if it takes place and interactions go well, ask her out then?

Edited September 11, 2015 by highseas

[kendahke]

No.

 

Not until you two set, confirm and arrive at the date will you know her intention. She didn't give you a specific date and time and you didn't give her a specific date and time for an alternate date. It's all nebulous and meaningless right now, nothing is definite.

 

When you want to meet with someone, have at least 3 days planned that can work just in case they say "ooh, sorry, can't make it". If you give them concrete choices, you will find out quickly if they intend upon meeting you or if they're just shining you on with no intention on meeting you.

 

From what you've written, it doesn't sound like she's that interested.

[rocketman122]

Backdrop: I went out with this girl for a few times over the summer. She grew more distant and we did not maintain text contact for a long time. Last went out with her two months ago. We did not text for a whole month and there was one short exchange two weeks ago.

 

Bumped into her a couple of times in the last couple of weeks. In both instances she smiled, waved, said hi and made small talk (not the second time, since I was talking with others, but she did wave and smile at me when she could have avoided me without me seeing her).

 

After bumping into her today I asked if she'd like to go for coffee and catch up and I suggested two specific times today. She texted back a couple of minutes later and wrote that she has "plans today, maybe next week?"

 

Do you think we will indeed meet up? Or is it just a stalling tactic and she'll hope that I forget next week? It is not the answer I was hoping for, but it does give me a glimmer of hope, since she could have simply written "sorry I have plans already." instead of adding "maybe next week?". She had done this to me once before when she said she was busy and would get back to me and never did (more than a month ago), that's when I stopped contacting her until seeing her more recently and her smiling and waving.

 

Should I be even more bold and just ask her out on a date unambiguously, or should I start with "catching up" (that's what I said: to have coffee and catch up) and then, if it takes place and interactions go well, ask her out then?

 

No I dont. I dont think it will continue. try though. you have nothing to lose.

[sin miedo]

Nah it's over, move on. If someone is truly interested they will make a definite time to meet up later.

[highseas]

The more I think about it the more I feel angry at myself for re-initiating it, and at the way she has treated me. Just give me a fking "no, I don't think it'll work between us" or something instead of "maybe next week" "i have plans" "been busy, let me get back to you". I can take a no like a man, but this b!tch is obviously not "woman" enough to say it to me.

[Versacehottie]

Backdrop: I went out with this girl for a few times over the summer. She grew more distant and we did not maintain text contact for a long time. Last went out with her two months ago. We did not text for a whole month and there was one short exchange two weeks ago.

 

Bumped into her a couple of times in the last couple of weeks. In both instances she smiled, waved, said hi and made small talk (not the second time, since I was talking with others, but she did wave and smile at me when she could have avoided me without me seeing her).

 

After bumping into her today I asked if she'd like to go for coffee and catch up and I suggested two specific times today. She texted back a couple of minutes later and wrote that she has "plans today, maybe next week?"

 

Do you think we will indeed meet up? Or is it just a stalling tactic and she'll hope that I forget next week? It is not the answer I was hoping for, but it does give me a glimmer of hope, since she could have simply written "sorry I have plans already." instead of adding "maybe next week?". She had done this to me once before when she said she was busy and would get back to me and never did (more than a month ago), that's when I stopped contacting her until seeing her more recently and her smiling and waving.

 

Should I be even more bold and just ask her out on a date unambiguously, or should I start with "catching up" (that's what I said: to have coffee and catch up) and then, if it takes place and interactions go well, ask her out then?

 

Honestly, I'd probably need some more information about what really happened (as unbiased as you can manage) when you went out before. If your contact was not consistent then, she might just be trying to show you she's not super available and trying to kind of teach you a lesson. Why do you think she really went distant when you were dating before?

 

Don't let your emotions get the best of you. You asked already. Proceeding confidently as if it's going to happen. I can't see why she would let you get back in touch if she didn't have intentions of going out with you. So I would think positively. Don't let fear and ego, other people's crystal balls, their past bad experiences, color how you handle this. You asked, you want to go so deal with it just like you are having fresh start. You can't overthink or outstrategize whatever she is going to do. Follow up on the coffee you asked for next week or if the mood strikes you, switch it to something more fun and playful. To me, that would be a good way to get back on track. I think it sounds positive. Stick with that thought. There's no reason to think the other way--you can't control what she's going to do and your best strategy to get what you want is to treat it like you want it, are happy about it without fear creeping in. Good luck!

[highseas]

Thanks Versachehottie, for that different take. I'm still not optimistic, but I will take "maybe next week" as a positive and follow up again. I hate her type of behavior. Just give me "yes," "no", or "how about next Wednesday instead?" She did not ignore me in person or in text (but she is not responsive; and replies are super short compared to the past).

 

I will try to stay calm and positive as much as possible.

[BlueBlood]

If you hate her behavior, take that as a sign to move on? Why continue to chase that which annoys you? In any case, if I wanted to have a date and was asked out on a day that wasn't a good one, I'd probably fire back "ack, Thursday is jam packed for me, maybe Sunday?" to let the other person know I'm not blowing them off.

[Versacehottie]

Thanks Versachehottie, for that different take. I'm still not optimistic, but I will take "maybe next week" as a positive and follow up again. I hate her type of behavior. Just give me "yes," "no", or "how about next Wednesday instead?" She did not ignore me in person or in text (but she is not responsive; and replies are super short compared to the past).

 

I will try to stay calm and positive as much as possible.

 

Well you better get optimistic! going into a dating situation with a pessimistic, negative and anxious attitude is your worst enemy. You can't get into her head. She might not have a solid answer anyway.

 

You didn't say why it was not working before. Is there something you are leaving out or not being honest with yourself about? Most importantly, was her behavior like this before when you were dating before problems crept in?? Where she would never give you a definitive answer of which day or solidly agreeing to a date?

 

If she was like this before, she might just be a flake or always keeping herself open for "better" deals. If she was normal before, and this crept in as 1st time relationship was falling apart, she is reacting to that and maybe still cautious and figuring stuff out. If she was flakey on you the whole time you dated normally, you, for whatever reason, were not a priority and I would worry about starting up again since you are at this point in time incompatible. To me, I don't know why you are overthinking this to death and reading so much into everything. It wouldn't be normal to pick right back up in a perfectly happy and secure place as a couple considering "where you are with each other". It's a wait and see thing. Since you already asked, you should just wait and see what happens. You're already assuming the worst. Worst of all, you are operating from a place of fear. That's transparent and not attractive. Get it together!

[highseas]

Versacehottie, here is the long version of the back story:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/539176-what-s-your-interpretation-my-situation

 

That's up to 2 months ago. After that: The last time I asked her out was more than a month ago. She said she had been busy; apologized for not responding earlier, asked me how I was, and said would get back to me on that, but never did, and I did not contact her since then until 2 weeks ago or so.

 

A couple of weeks back I wished her well on her new job and she thanked me and put a smiley face on but that's it. Since then we saw each other twice: both times she had a smile on her face and waved and said hi and we talked briefly (I ended it first). Things seemed friendly and cordial. I was hoping for a "reset" so I kept things short and friendly and didn't badger with texts or anything. I didn't ask her to do anything until today when I saw her and I just really still liked to go out with her.

 

She does respond, but seemingly nothing beyond one message. I might ask her something after the initial message and I would hear nothing back, like this time. In the past she would say what she was doing and we would go back and forth a little while. So after she said she couldn't do today, maybe next week, I asked if day A and day B would be okay with her? No response. I wasn't even going to contact her until today when I saw her. As posted originally, she could totally have avoided me because she had her back towards me when I walked past her and I didn't say hi because I couldn't see her face. Plus, when she walked past me a minute later, I was engaged in conversation with another person and she interrupted that to say hello when she could have slipped past (plus ,there were other ways to get around me; not long detours). That gave me some hope and that's why I contacted her for coffee and catching up.

 

Again, I agree that I should stay positive! She said maybe next week, so next week it is!

Edited September 11, 2015 by highseas

[d0nnivain]

I think this girl is bad at making & keeping plans. Maybe if you were the most amazing man she'd ever met she'd be better but for now, she's pretty self focused. I don't see that behavior changing any time soon.

 

If she contacts you great but until she does, stop banging your head on this particular wall.

[Versacehottie]

Versacehottie, here is the long version of the back story:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/539176-what-s-your-interpretation-my-situation

 

That's up to 2 months ago. After that: The last time I asked her out was more than a month ago. She said she had been busy; apologized for not responding earlier, asked me how I was, and said would get back to me on that, but never did, and I did not contact her since then until 2 weeks ago or so.

 

A couple of weeks back I wished her well on her new job and she thanked me and put a smiley face on but that's it. Since then we saw each other twice: both times she had a smile on her face and waved and said hi and we talked briefly (I ended it first). Things seemed friendly and cordial. I was hoping for a "reset" so I kept things short and friendly and didn't badger with texts or anything. I didn't ask her to do anything until today when I saw her and I just really still liked to go out with her.

 

She does respond, but seemingly nothing beyond one message. I might ask her something after the initial message and I would hear nothing back, like this time. In the past she would say what she was doing and we would go back and forth a little while. So after she said she couldn't do today, maybe next week, I asked if day A and day B would be okay with her? No response. I wasn't even going to contact her until today when I saw her. As posted originally, she could totally have avoided me because she had her back towards me when I walked past her and I didn't say hi because I couldn't see her face. Plus, when she walked past me a minute later, I was engaged in conversation with another person and she interrupted that to say hello when she could have slipped past (plus ,there were other ways to get around me; not long detours). That gave me some hope and that's why I contacted her for coffee and catching up.

 

Again, I agree that I should stay positive! She said maybe next week, so next week it is!

 

ok, I read your original thread. I don't want to bring you down with my read of what it was before. I think it was barely started and that you might consider it much more than what she considered it. I think you were also much more invested (gift and wanting to talk about "us") on her first night after the trip with you--if I read it correctly, that was only your 2nd or 3rd date, right? Too invested, too serious. I'm just putting myself in her shoes. If she said she is not ready for a relationship and you just make it fun and light, where she can relax and without wanting to finds herself falling for you. Anything else, trying to be serious, wanting to talk about "us", giving a gift and generally being eager is going to be received as pushy and remind her that she's not ready. That's just my take.

 

She's obviously interested to some extent otherwise she wouldn't keep pulling you in. But IMO, her previous behavior was somewhat flakey.

 

You might have lost some momentum with her trips. I'm not a fan of how she was a negative talker the entire time of her date with you. That tells me she isn't ready for a relationship but does need support. OR that she tends to be a negative person--neither of which I can imagine you wanting. Even though you said you'd like to make her your girlfriend at the time of the original set of posts.

 

Listen, anything can change in a day. You are attracted to each other and it makes sense to keep each other in each other's lives. You just might want to temper your expectations of what she is capable of.

 

Also you seem overly concerned with ending conversations first and things of that nature. You realize that gives mixed messages to her, right? Girls are pretty sensitive to that stuff. I would worry less about protecting your ego when you are in an interaction with her and give equally (rather than go overboard as you did a couple of times IMO) to what she gives. Match her pace but don't play games when you are spending time with her. It's confusing and again coming from a place of fear. Same as the overboard actions--that almost seems like you are reacting to your anxiety to get her pinned down.

 

My advice earlier on this thread remains the same. You want to see where it goes. You started things back up with her. There's no reason to blow this chance now that you've created it. Do everything you can do between now and when you see her next week to remind yourself that you are a good catch and you will be fine whatever happens. Then just go and try to make it fun--that's what she needs I take it. Coffee or discussions sound like a heavy thing to me. I would do something more entertainment or activity oriented.

[soyou]

I'm a woman and let me tell the honest answer you deserve to hear.

 

She is not interested in you. Not 2 months ago and also not now.

 

She may not want to limit all of her (back-up) options so she just let you hang in. Perhaps one day she is bored to her core, she will drop you a last minute text and ask you out for some catch up drinks.

 

If I am interested in a guy, I'm responsive. I make effort in texting. And if I'm busy on a certain day he wants to meet, I will suggest another specific date.

 

I'm only short in texting and vague when I'm not interested in the guy.

[highseas]

Thanks d0nnivan, soyou, and Versacehottie for your responses! Thanks, V, for reading the original post--it's a long one. I only ended one in-person conversation with her two weeks ago early because I didn't want her to think I was too invested. Today I would have liked to talk with her one-on-one, but I didn't see her and others were around and I resorted to texting afterwards when I would have much rather asked her in person.

 

I am fine with taking it slow and just having fun. It just seems that these days she wouldn't even give me the time of day when I asked her out. The fact that I'm still trying is only because of our original, positive interaction. That still means something to me; maybe it no longer means much to her. She once told me that she felt lonely at night (she came out of a relationship a few months ago, and quite freshly out of it when she said that).

 

The fact that I "only" asked for stopping by for coffee and chats is because I felt that if I asked for a "date" or hanging out she would reject me again. Fear as you suggested. I would have liked to go bowling or walking by the lake but I didn't even dare to ask her for that and that's why I asked for only coffee and catching up. I think I have given it my all. I didn't want to send mixed signals; I gave her little gifts and tried to chat with her with texts but she wasn't responsive. There is one last thing I had thought of doing but most of you would probably say no: to tell her what I like about her and ask her out on a proper date outright and either be shot down and be done with, or move forward. I still haven't done that. That is not advisable if I should keep it fun and light right?

 

I tell myself this will be my last attempt. From here on, I will only say hi if we see one another.

[Versacehottie]

well to me a proper date (where you didn't declare your feelings for me) WOULD BE the more light and fun option. Not a dinner or coffee or even a long walk--those all sound like opportunities to discuss feelings and heavy stuff, which sorry to say she already has a tendency to do with the negative stuff and you are on verge of declaring something.

 

I think bowling would be a good idea. Sure that's my personal preference but I think it's light and fun. Or if there was a group getting together to do something invite her to join. There's other ideas as well but without knowing you I can't think of any at the moment. I wouldn't even worry about making it so FORMAL just say oh about getting together this week, instead of coffee let's have a drink and go to this bowling alley. The ones where I live are cool and social like that. A coffee to "discuss" and catch up sounds like it could be blown off--by some people maybe not her. Point is: if she wants to see you, she won't really mind which venue. So if you get to choose the venue, make it one where it can be fun, light and memorable. A coffee date to catch up when you've already been out sounds like it's an internet date or rehash of relationship date to me!! But it might work for her/you, only you really know that answer. Sporting events, concerts, good entertainment activity, fair, festival, some outdoor activity, like a hike or something adventurous. She must be adventurous if she went to an underdeveloped country. IMO, you really didn't get to show her what things you like to do and if you were a couple how you would spend your time.

 

To me, it went straight to serious and heavy. You have to do the dating/courting/having fun/getting to know each other stuff before you get to the bf stuff IMO. If you go only to dinners and coffee and have discussions, you only bond in one sort of way. The way, I think, she is not ready for. I may be hypothesizing too much now so i will stop. You will still get to catch up and make good experience memories at same time. Good luck.

[highseas]

Thanks for all the comments. I think you're right that she's not ready for it.

 

A quick update: after I suggested some alternative dates next week and not having heard back in two days, she texted today (maybe because she might bump into me next week?) saying that she doesn't know yet [if those times I suggested would work] and "I'll let u know". Ha! just like last time, when she said she would get back to me and never did. I truly have enough of this piece of krap. Sure, I can ignore her last text but I don't want her to get the satisfaction that I might be pissed. Any idea for a short reply to her that would retain my dignity while finishing this whole saga on ok terms? (I likely will encounter her in person from time to time)

 

And in case you wonder: there will absolutely be no contact from me whatsoever from this point on, under any circumstances. I will still say a curt "hi" if I run into her, but there will be no name.

Edited September 13, 2015 by highseas

[Versacehottie]

Thanks for all the comments. I think you're right that she's not ready for it.

 

A quick update: after I suggested some alternative dates next week and not having heard back in two days, she texted today (maybe because she might bump into me next week?) saying that she doesn't know yet [if those times I suggested would work] and "I'll let u know". Ha! just like last time, when she said she would get back to me and never did. I truly have enough of this piece of krap. Sure, I can ignore her last text but I don't want her to get the satisfaction that I might be pissed. Any idea for a short reply to her that would retain my dignity while finishing this whole saga on ok terms? (I likely will encounter her in person from time to time)

 

And in case you wonder: there will absolutely be no contact from me whatsoever from this point on, under any circumstances. I will still say a curt "hi" if I run into her, but there will be no name.

 

Sh*t why is your ego so fragile?!? I agree her answer is neither here nor there, perhaps wishy-washy. Who knows the reason why. You are pissed and that's extreme. Did she say why she doesn't know or do you know enough about her work life/life life to know what scheduling issues she may have? My point is if she is being honest that she just doesn't know yet, why not believe that and keep a door that you want open, open! If she completely blew you off before and never got back in touch, I don't really see why she would this time be in touch this time to let you know she was still waiting on scheduling.

 

Instead of taking her texting today as an opportunity to flirt, you went all the way to negative and assume you are not going to get what you want. It's all the stuff that I said you needed to work on in yourself are coming to light in the FIRST MOMENT of next contact with her. Maybe she IS on the fence but is trying to have some more interaction with you to see what she wants to do.

 

You did kinda overly build up the relationship in your head before and if she senses that, I can see why she has reservations.

 

The only thing (maybe not for the same reason) that I think you are going to do right now is not let her see that you are pissed at this moment. Why not stop acting like you are "ALL IN" and just reply: "ok, let me know when you know and I'll let you know if my schedule changes where I can't make either of the days I suggested". In your wording and not so formal (i don't talk like that exactly either) but that's the message. If you are honest with yourself and not letting your fear or ego creep in, that IS what you want to do, right? I don't see why it has to get ugly just because she can't meet your deadlines and unrealistic expectations. As long as she is not mistreating you or jerking you around. If she is not ready, that happens to people, you'd be better off getting her when she is ready anyway. Makes more sense to keep her in your life positively albeit from a distance so that you guys can pick each other if that point in time comes where both of you are ready and free. Relax and stop overthinking.

[highseas]

Versachehottie, thanks for injecting some contrarian cool-headedness back in. I think why I feel pissed is because I am hurt that I feel like I'm nobody to her and that we went from talking hours and hours and going back and forth in texting (at the beginning) to her not answering follow-up texts and two-three-word messages. The last time I asked her out she said she was busy and would get back to me. I didn't think that was too bad until, of course, days and days would go by and I never did hear back from her. Weeks later, with no contact at all, I sent her another text congratulating her on her new job and I got a two-word answer and a smiley face. Also, in the past, she would tell me what she's busy with if she couldn't make a day I suggested and I would talk with her about the issues. Now it's just I have plans or I'm busy. So I felt that it went downhill.

 

This time I asked to have coffee and catch up after seeing her in person, she said she had plans, "maybe next week". Ok, that's not too bad, but when I followed up and asked if Day B or Day C next week would work there was no response for two days, only to be told that she didn't know and will let me know. Now, if she didn't have this bad track record before (of saying I'll get back to you and never did) I wouldn't mind, but she hasn't kept her word and has lost credibility. I guess my positive feelings for her are wearing thin because of her wishy-washy behavior--I don't know if she knows, or cares.

 

Stepping back...You are right. I do NOT want to burn any bridges and want this to stay positive, if only in memory of those earlier good times. Initially it was for a different reason but now I am coming around to your reason. Keep it light and cordial. I will cool it and say something along the lines of what you suggested. I will stop overthinking.

Edited September 13, 2015 by highseas

[Versacehottie]

Versachehottie, thanks for injecting some contrarian cool-headedness back in. I think why I feel pissed is because I am hurt that I feel like I'm nobody to her and that we went from talking hours and hours and going back and forth in texting (at the beginning) to her not answering follow-up texts and two-three-word messages. The last time I asked her out she said she was busy and would get back to me. I didn't think that was too bad until, of course, days and days would go by and I never did hear back from her. Weeks later, with no contact at all, I sent her another text congratulating her on her new job and I got a two-word answer and a smiley face. Also, in the past, she would tell me what she's busy with if she couldn't make a day I suggested and I would talk with her about the issues. Now it's just I have plans or I'm busy. So I felt that it went downhill.

 

This time I asked to have coffee and catch up after seeing her in person, she said she had plans, "maybe next week". Ok, that's not too bad, but when I followed up and asked if Day B or Day C next week would work there was no response for two days, only to be told that she didn't know and will let me know. Now, if she didn't have this bad track record before (of saying I'll get back to you and never did) I wouldn't mind, but she hasn't kept her word and has lost credibility. I guess my positive feelings for her are wearing thin because of her wishy-washy behavior--I don't know if she knows, or cares.

 

Stepping back...You are right. I do NOT want to burn any bridges and want this to stay positive, if only in memory of those earlier good times. Initially it was for a different reason but now I am coming around to your reason. Keep it light and cordial. I will cool it and say something along the lines of what you suggested. I will stop overthinking.

 

Honestly, I don't want to give you false hope I don't think she's that interested. Here's the thing though: although I have no crystal ball (EVEN IF I DID THINGS CHANGE IN ROMANCE ALL THE TIME) on her, what I can do for sure is tell you where I believe you are messing up. These are the kind of things you want to learn and correct for her, for your next interactions with her, or for future girls.

 

I think a lot of times people will give advice that is not really constructive (they are interested in someone else--how would random internet stranger know that anyway OR just to next them). None of that is particularly helpful for YOU getting EVERY advantage you can in future dating with WHOEVER. Not only that if you start to believe these things (either from yourself or what advice you receive), you will have an internal representation of yourself (i'm not good enough) that you cannot fix. If we simply tell you dating mistakes that you CAN correct (may hurt at first to hear them), then you can control THE ONLY PART that is controllable. And I swear to you, your part IS affecting the outcome of this dating, with her or other--as it would with anyone!

 

See you want a full on entry back EXACTLY where you left off. There's no legitimate reason to expect that. You have to work your way back in by showing her like square one! It is frustrating, but be glad for the reset! I follow a lot of sports psychology and it's is similar to how champions think. You've got to reframe every opportunity as a positive (even when on it's face it seems negative!). For example, instead of positively thinking wow I have another chance with her, how fun. You are essentially throwing a temper tantrum because you didn't get to pick up where you left off AND honestly it was too pushy and you were only one too invested then. As you've described I don't think your expectations THEN even when you say it was going well, were realistic or in line with what was actually happening.

 

All that said, you have to have standards. I find (especially on this board, getting to see a wide variety of people and situations) that those who behave in a clingy or desperate way or are pushing for a relationship much faster than the other person, actually have little to no standards. It's actually weirdly selfish but it presents itself as doormat, pushover not that compelling and this is the reason they continually have problems dating. They just want a bf/gf and fail to actually and TRULY consider the person in front of them. They overinvest and instead of keeping the pace exactly where it is, jump way way down the line. That is why I expect you are hurt and frustrated. She's really a girl who you've gone out with twice/three times with a big trip in between and having come off a breakup. If it was about her and not you, you would appreciate her and take that for what it is. Approach this long game, with some compassion and some patience. Basically you are just picking back up. This would for most people (and rightly so, considering her obstacles) be a slow to relationship, not quick. However, if you really FROM A CONFIDENT AND SECURE PLACE know she is not treating you well and flakey. No need to get mad; it just wouldn't interest you. You have a conflict because you have low standards and interest in her REGARDLESS of what she does. You are perceiving things as slights because you are too invested. If it didn't meet your standard and doesn't fit your timeline, a confident and secure guy wouldn't waste energy getting mad--he'd consider himself lucky for not having wasted much time or effort on her and easily walk away. You could even flip the script. As an outsider, if I felt most of her reluctance has to do with your pushiness and her general unreadiness, I'd walk away, knowing she'd probably be back when she was ready--in any case, she doesn't fit my needs now and I'm good bf material so I'm sure I'll find someone else and SHE might miss her chance. If her reluctance was because she thought she was better than me in some way (as often happens with the flakey people), I would just create distance and rise above. Think of it like this if it doesn't work out she is giving you the opportunity to find the right one for you. A person's vibe and confidence and feeling good enough is completely betrayed by their language choices, body language and interaction choices--so you must correct this to have success.

 

It may just be too soon for both of you to try again. You will get a lot of people telling you she is a jerk etc. But people don't jerk you around unless they think they can, should and you are an opportunity worth missing. That's probably why at beginning she was on better behavior. She didn't know you yet. She was excited--probably looks and initial charm of yours and then by being overly invested without reciprocal behavior, YOUR VALUE went down. Now she's giving short answers and not confirming dates because she thinks you will be right there. I know the message I said SEEMS like it says I will be right there if and when you decide to figure out about next week. But it is meant to inject a breeziness and "i'll let you know if MY plans change". The vulnerability of sticking with wanting to go out with her is confident BUT you aren't saying you are "all in". Make sense? BTW, I wouldn't follow up with her--that's on her. And if you never hear from her, I wouldn't be bitter, just be above it. Nonchalant. This is not game playing--this is a reflection of what should be going on in your head!!! If you have to fake it until it becomes a reality then so be it.

Edited September 14, 2015 by Versacehottie

[highseas]

Many thanks again, Versacehottie, for your detailed and thoughtful reply. I have read through it and am learning for the future. I am, as you said, going to try to rise above it and (try) not to be mad. I think I am a good catch myself if I may say so. I shouldn't have to subject myself to this. She is not meeting my needs. Maybe it's not meant to be. You are right that I'm perceiving these things as slights because I'm too invested and so things are not up to this higher standard. I should be taking it easy. Things are on alright terms. Nobody comes across as mad in the texts. I will continue to be cordial. If she ever comes around and contacts me when she is ready, I will be thrilled, but I am not hopeful about that. In the future I need to be more confident and less invested in the future so as not to scare away potential women. Most other things are going pretty well for me, except this dating thing. I still find it regrettable that this did not get a chance to bloom.

[Versacehottie]

Many thanks again, Versacehottie, for your detailed and thoughtful reply. I have read through it and am learning for the future. I am, as you said, going to try to rise above it and (try) not to be mad. I think I am a good catch myself if I may say so. I shouldn't have to subject myself to this. She is not meeting my needs. Maybe it's not meant to be. You are right that I'm perceiving these things as slights because I'm too invested and so things are not up to this higher standard. I should be taking it easy. Things are on alright terms. Nobody comes across as mad in the texts. I will continue to be cordial. If she ever comes around and contacts me when she is ready, I will be thrilled, but I am not hopeful about that. In the future I need to be more confident and less invested in the future so as not to scare away potential women. Most other things are going pretty well for me, except this dating thing. I still find it regrettable that this did not get a chance to bloom.

 

Well listen to what you said: "I think I'm a good catch". That's a good start. The moment you believe IT for real is when it's easy to walk away because you know you will find someone else to meet your needs. You're getting there. Keep on that thought process.