xUnknown Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 Okay, so quick backstory. I've known this girl from Pre-K all the way thru HS. Had a crush on her in elementary school, never went anywhere. She had a kid a couple years ago who is now 4 I believe. Her and her ex were dating for 1.5-2 years and broke up July. Hooked up, date/hookup, then 2 dates in past 3 weeks. So ultimately, I need tips for my scenario, which I guess is keeping it casual to see what happens. I'm new to this dating a single parent thing. I'm not trying to be pushy and overtext or over see her since 1) she is somewhat recently single 2) she has a daughter 3) full time job. Longer version: She hits me up on FB chat and mentions how our parents are still trying to hook us up (asked my mom, she said she didn't, so seemed like a line the girl used to get to talk to me). Anyways, she hits me up one night after a wedding asking me to come over for...well, sex. That happened. Went over a few days later, she cooked food for me, great convo, great sex. 3 days ago, quick bite/drink at the bar - again, went great. Texted afterwords about how we enjoyed it. Last night went for a quick 45 min sushi date (she pushed back picking up her daughter to see me, which I was flattered about). I was getting fitted for a tux before sushi and at dinner she asked me about when the wedding was and if I were a groomsman, which I took as insinuating an invite. I said in December, she said "ohhh okay" The other night after the bite to eat at the bar she mentioned "I'm not all about getting you in bed despite what you may think " Which tells me she also wants to see where things go. Obviously we have a bit of history, family friends. I asked her about her ex the other day and she ended it with him and no chance at getting back together (based on what she told me).
nescafe1982 Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 Are you considering her for a longer-term relationship? If not, then be upfront about your intentions even if she walks. And stay out of the kid's sight entirely. If you are interested in her and might want something like a relationship, now is the time (even though it's early) to consider whether you are willing to also take on the stepfather role. Until you decide what you will do there... stay out of the kid's sight entirely. I say this because 4 is a confusing age under the best of circumstances. So keep in mind that when you initiate a relationship with her, you're also initiating a relationship with the child, like it or not. 1
Author xUnknown Posted September 11, 2015 Author Posted September 11, 2015 Are you considering her for a longer-term relationship? I say this because 4 is a confusing age under the best of circumstances. So keep in mind that when you initiate a relationship with her, you're also initiating a relationship with the child, like it or not. At first I didn't give it much thought. Though now, I have been thinking about it. Obviously, she is going to be protective of her daughter until she figures out for herself where she sees things going. I guess I'm the same way. I don't want to involve others (especially her child) until I know where I see things going. From what I know from years ago, and also recently - I will say, yes, I could see myself dating her exclusively. I don't think I know her well enough to say that I can see her for a longer-term relationship, because its so early for me. I'm just saying, I'm open to the thought of it. Have fun and show her a good time. That's exactly what I plan on doing. More or less do things together/dates ect. and see what happens. I guess another question I had was... with a child, should dates/seeing each other be more "planned" a week in advanced because of her schedule, or, a day or two in advanced like normally.
GunslingerRoland Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 Tips? Well if you are willing to make it more serious than a fling, you have to be prepared for the fact to be a step dad some day... if you aren't prepared for that, then given the history between you guys and how long it took to get here, you should probably end it right now. I'm guessing things will move pretty fast after all this time. If you want to move forward prepare to be patient. She has a lot on her plate as a single mom, you will be stood up for dates. You'll have to fight for her time. Be prepared for that, that is her life. Also be patient with your relationship with her child. While better than an angst filled teenager, even a 4 year old can make up their mind that they don't want a new daddy very fast if they perceive you to be taking that role. You'll have to ease your way into that part of the relationship slowly as allowed. 2
Author xUnknown Posted September 11, 2015 Author Posted September 11, 2015 Tips? Well if you are willing to make it more serious than a fling, you have to be prepared for the fact to be a step dad some day... if you aren't prepared for that, then given the history between you guys and how long it took to get here, you should probably end it right now. I'm guessing things will move pretty fast after all this time. If you want to move forward prepare to be patient. She has a lot on her plate as a single mom, you will be stood up for dates. You'll have to fight for her time. Be prepared for that, that is her life. Also be patient with your relationship with her child. While better than an angst filled teenager, even a 4 year old can make up their mind that they don't want a new daddy very fast if they perceive you to be taking that role. You'll have to ease your way into that part of the relationship slowly as allowed. Yeah I understand the being stood up part...it comes with the territory. And obviously I don't want to rush anything with the daughter because I get the impression we're both seeing where we want things to go with the other person. As of now, its just casually dating. Thanks for the advice everyone. If you think of anything else, send it my way.
RecentChange Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 (edited) Well - just like my advice on the FWB thread - think about what your expectations are, and communicate those clearly. Do you want to be a step dad? It may not be your case, but I do not want children, so dating parents is a non starter / total deal killer for me. Keep in mind, the kiddo should alway take top priority in her life, at times you will have to play second fiddle. If you are fine with this possibility, pursue her and see where this goes. If you never want to be step dad - make it clear that you are open to some casual dating, but not something serious. Communicate - set expectations. It will help prevent hurt feelings down the road. Edited September 11, 2015 by RecentChange 1
nescafe1982 Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 I don't think I know her well enough to say that I can see her for a longer-term relationship, because its so early for me. I'm just saying, I'm open to the thought of it. That's good! You don't have to know whether you're going to put a ring on her finger right away...I just wanted to assess whether you were asking about how to be a single mom's boyfriend, or a single mom's bootycall. They are both valid roles, but they are obviously very different stakes. Take it slow with mom, and stay out of the kid's life as much as possible until you know you're around for a while. As others have said, she may have to cancel on you last moment, she might not have a sitter, there might be all kinds of planning issues. You'll just have to tolerate those. Yes, I think planning dates in advance is a great idea. Makes it more likely that she can make provisions for her daughter and it builds anticipation. All good things. 1
Author xUnknown Posted September 12, 2015 Author Posted September 12, 2015 Thanks everyone for the advice. I still haven't met the daughter, nor do I think I'll be introduced until a while down the road - which I know is best for all parties. I think expectations is a good idea - though from what she's told me already, its more of a lets see where things go, kind of thing. I would say I'm her bootycall, but she's actually asked me out and to go grab a drink/bite to eat. So this tells me, its not a bootycall, but casually dating/hooking up and seeing where things go. Which, at this point in time, I'm OK with. As for making plans - I'll probably do like a 3-5 day ahead of time thing. I don't want to seem too eager by setting up plans a week down the road, but I understand how she's busy and that may have to happen. This morning I asked if she was free after her evening classes M or Tues... Tuesday was a no-go, so hoping we can work things out for Monday. She said Monday doesn't work its because of her school work (taking some grad classes). Obviously, that'd be disappointing if we couldn't, but I respect her work ethic and keeping priorities in check.
carhill Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 Short version: She's a single mom who's apparently working and is taking grad classes, which apparently means she already has a bachelor's degree. Pretty full plate, even allowing for the energy of youth. She also just came out of a fairly long intimate relationship with someone who isn't apparently her child's father, only a month or two prior to your interactions. Rebound warning. My advice, having dated and been in relationships with single mothers: While respecting their circumstances, don't neglect your interpersonal relationship needs and desires. If finding compromises to be too onerous, eject. Otherwise, keep showing up. If not in a relationship, date other women. In general, the most compatible and attractive rise to the top. It could be this young mother. I could be someone you haven't met yet. It's unknown. Questions: If your and her families got together for a BBQ, how would things go? I ask because you said you knew her and her family for nearly 18 years when young. Not really relevant for casual dating but more relevant for aspects of compatibility. Has she mentioned her daughter's father and, if so, is he co-parenting?
Author xUnknown Posted September 12, 2015 Author Posted September 12, 2015 (edited) Questions: If your and her families got together for a BBQ, how would things go? I ask because you said you knew her and her family for nearly 18 years when young. Not really relevant for casual dating but more relevant for aspects of compatibility. Has she mentioned her daughter's father and, if so, is he co-parenting? I hear ya on the rebound warning. That was the first thought that went through my mind, which is why I initially thought it was just like Fckbuddies, but she seems to be taking it more towards seeing each other, dates here or there kinda thing. She told me the other weekend that she's "always had a thing for me". So I think now that she isn't involved with anyone she can explore that and see where things go. Honestly, a BBQ would go fine. Even after us hooking up I think it would be fine. I'm sure our parents would try to "hook us up" like they always do (because they don't know we're 'talking'...however, her mom might -I'm not sure). Our families were pretty close. My younger brother passed away last year and they sort of stood out, at the viewing...not sure why, but it was a pleasant surprise that they were there. I'm sure a BBQ would be a good way for us all to catch up. My motto is "its only awkward if you make it awkward" - so I'm pretty good about being friendly and easing any tension in some of those awkward situations. In either scenario, I could see both of us being completely fine in this "hypothetical BBQ situation" haha. She has mentioned him to me. He sees the daughter every week, I believe from Sunday night - Thursday because she has classes Mon & Tuesday. She said she isn't making him pay any child support. Edited September 12, 2015 by xUnknown
carhill Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 Thanks for the responses. IMO, you can set the tone by how you interact, e.g. making firm plans which respect her schedule, seeking to date her as opposed to FWB type stuff if dating is your focus, remaining true to your boundaries regarding how flexible you'll be in that respect for the plates she's currently juggling. IMO, I'd look for consistency. That doesn't mean plans can't change and stuff can't come up, but rather her focus on the dynamic with you garners consistent and respectful attention. If something comes up, she lets you know, offers regrets, proposes an alternative and generally appears sincere in her desire to spend time with you and get to know the adult you. Accept that this can go a number of ways. You're both young. She's already had at least two solid relationships, one with a child whom is being substantially co-parented by the father. That's a lot in a young woman's life. It can reflect in maturity and responsibility. That seems to be the current picture. IMO, go with the now and tomorrow will take care of itself.
smackie9 Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 Just like any one first dating someone, you both won't know how you will feel about each other until a month or so passes. You just need to go with the flow and see where it takes you, simple as that. Just don't let the emotions/great sex, get in the way of your better judgement. Also she, the child and the ex are a package deal, so the child comes first, and the ex has a part in making some of the decisions in regards to money, child care, etc. Not very romantic but a reality. If things work out your relationship will evolve and you will step into your role as step dad. I'm sure by then you will be ready for it. Best of luck.
Author xUnknown Posted September 14, 2015 Author Posted September 14, 2015 Thank you all very much for the advice. First time in a scenario like this so I enjoy reading the responses from everyone.
PogoStick Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 I disagree, you don't have to consider being a stepdad. It's totally realistic to have a long term relationship without ever assuming a stepdad role, unless the mother makes it an issue. For all the kid knows, you're just another friend of the family. Surely mothers are allowed to have friends in their life. You only become different if the mom says something, or you show affection in front of the child. Those are both easy to avoid. You can date for an entire year or two (again, if mother allows) without ever approaching the subject of the child. In short, don't make it an issue until it is necessary. 1
Author xUnknown Posted September 15, 2015 Author Posted September 15, 2015 (edited) I disagree, you don't have to consider being a stepdad. It's totally realistic to have a long term relationship without ever assuming a stepdad role, unless the mother makes it an issue. For all the kid knows, you're just another friend of the family. Surely mothers are allowed to have friends in their life. You only become different if the mom says something, or you show affection in front of the child. Those are both easy to avoid. You can date for an entire year or two (again, if mother allows) without ever approaching the subject of the child. In short, don't make it an issue until it is necessary. Thanks for the reply Pogostick. I can agree with that in some respects...meaning, it could take a while before ever being introduced to the daughter, and when that happens, it could be as a "friend of mommy's" until further down the line. Update: So, she and I were texting last night. As RecentChange suggested, I brought up the topic of expectations. I pretty much said flat out, "what are you looking for right now, something just physical, or something more - meaning dating and seeing where things go". I went to mention how at first I got the impression it was just physical, then was leaning towards going on dates and seeing how things go based on us going out for dinner/drinks recently. I expressed how I'm pretty good at keeping feelings separate from things. I told her "if Im just a rebound or place holder, to tell me so I know not to waste my time, I'm sure you can understand and respect that". She said I can talk to her anytime if I'm feeling a certain way, because she doesn't want me to feel like I'm a rebound and with what we've both been through, respects me and doesn't want to hurt me. I think she got the impression I wanted things as just a fwb type thing, because she responded with "we can try to keep it physical but I don't think that's possible for me". She elaborated because of our history and how we were pretty close growing up and how it isn't just about sex with me. I then mentioned how what I wanted to do, was take her on dates and see what happens. She agreed with a smiley face. So, in summary, looks like we both want to keep doing what were doing - going on dates here or there, seeing where things lead. Which is what I wanted in the first place, so I'm happy. It allows me to not keep myself guarded as much because I know her intentions, instead of just 'thinking/assuming' I know them. Edited September 15, 2015 by xUnknown
smackie9 Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 Good lord I never meant he was to be a step dad....I said evolve into the role, say a few years down the road when you two become common law or get married. You can say all you want pogo but when yo are in it for the long haul it happens any ways. 1
PogoStick Posted September 16, 2015 Posted September 16, 2015 Eh, ok I specifically said for a year or two; and several people brought up the stepdad thing. I just don't believe "stepdad" even needs to be part of the thought process just a few dates in. It would be like telling someone they need to start thinking whether they want to marry someone 3 dates in. That early, the only consideration with the kids is "does she have time to date and can she get a babysitter"? The same goes for the person's work situation. The most legit concern is her recent relationship. To that, the best advice is to take it slow and don't throw your heart in too quickly. And jumping into sex could confuse lust with love. While she says you're not a rebound, you need time to know her well enough to evaluate the veracity of that statement. I would go with, give her the benefit of the doubt, be optimistic yet cautious.
Author xUnknown Posted September 16, 2015 Author Posted September 16, 2015 (edited) Eh, ok I specifically said for a year or two; and several people brought up the stepdad thing. I just don't believe "stepdad" even needs to be part of the thought process just a few dates in. It would be like telling someone they need to start thinking whether they want to marry someone 3 dates in. That early, the only consideration with the kids is "does she have time to date and can she get a babysitter"? The same goes for the person's work situation. The most legit concern is her recent relationship. To that, the best advice is to take it slow and don't throw your heart in too quickly. And jumping into sex could confuse lust with love. While she says you're not a rebound, you need time to know her well enough to evaluate the veracity of that statement. I would go with, give her the benefit of the doubt, be optimistic yet cautious. Thanks for the reply. I'm going to do just that. I know she is much busier than me, with work, classes, child... I told her when we talked the other night that I'm just goin with the flow because of how busy she is. She said I know, "I wish I knew when that would be but I'll let you know as soon as I can work something out". She's traveling this week for work, plus for her, I know she has to take things week by week. Essentially, I'm leaving things in her court. She knows I'm interested, and I'm not going to be the one contacting her all the time to go out on a date or see each other. Relationships (in any facet) shouldn't be that way. I also don't plan on texting her daily. I honestly get tired of texting. She said she isn't looking to jump into a relationship this soon (as am I) - which is why I don't want to force her the other direction by trying to contact all the time. Plus, with her busy schedule, that'll keep things going slower - easing into them more. Edited September 16, 2015 by xUnknown 1
Author xUnknown Posted September 21, 2015 Author Posted September 21, 2015 So not much contact with her this past week. Finally reached out after 5 days of silence on Saturday. As mentioned, I'm not trying to act like her "boyfriend" and hit her up all the time. So I reached out to her Saturday, asked if her and her daughter wanted tickets to a local minor league baseball game that we weren't going to use. I get a response an hour later saying she is busy with activity A today and activity B tomorrow, but thanked me for the offer. I replied with something like "no problem, have fun. let me know when you're free next to grab another drink or something". I got back "Thanks, have a good weekend". Didn't even mention my offer to go out again. So, I'm done reaching out to her. Crazy how a week ago she was sending me some sexy snapchats...talking about how she always had a thing for me, thought I was attractive, didn't think we could "just have sex", always cared about me and how our history would pull feelings into it and both agreed to go on some dates and see what happens. We definitely were on the same page about things - or so I thought.
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