onthebrightside Posted May 14, 2005 Posted May 14, 2005 Hi - I am a new member so my apologies in advance if I don't post with the right etiquette to start. I'll try to keep this short, but I need to put something out there and I have nobody to talk to. I am a very happy, married woman in my late 20s and I adore my H in so many ways. We have made plans to start a family soon if we can and we have a wonderful home and close families and friends. We make dates with each other and our sex life is very satisfying and even fun. Sounds great, right? Well yesterday I ended up in a very compromising position with a coworker. This has been building up for about a month now, though he says it's been longer for him. He is also married with a young child. Nothing happened but I can't deny that I didn't want it to. I haven't been able to stop thinking about this OM for weeks now and I know it is mutual. I can't avoid the situation, as I have to see him every day. I also would like to think I am strong enough to stand my ground. But when I am around this person the emotions and desire exist on so many levels. Every time I set a line we end up crossing it. We tried talking about it to "put it out there" in hopes it would help but it keeps escalating. There is a part of me that really wants this to happen and it's shutting down the part of me that knows it is just plain wrong and the damage it would cause. I already feel guilty for the emotional side when nothing physical has happened yet. Can anyone give me advice on how to keep this from going further than it already has??
Michael86 Posted May 14, 2005 Posted May 14, 2005 Are you willing to destroy everything you have and hurt the man you claim to adore for this guy? In your own words, you already said you've crossed the line here. So before you really get to the point of no return, my advice is to tell this OM that you cant' take this any further and you can have no contact at all with him anymore. The friendship or whatever you have with him is over. If this isn't possible because of your job, then I would think about finding another place of employment. Maybe you should take a closer look at why you're in this situation to begin with. You claim to be a happily married woman who adores her husband and yet you're smitten with another man and thisclose to jumping into bed with him. It makes me question if things are as great as you say they are at home. If they were, why are you willing to throw it all away? How would you feel if the roles were reversed and you're husband came home and confessed that there was someone at work that he was involved with? And please, don't start a family yet until you work this out. I really hope you do the right thing before it's too late. Good luck.
HokeyReligions Posted May 14, 2005 Posted May 14, 2005 Originally posted by onthebrightside Well yesterday I ended up in a very compromising position with a coworker. Ended up? No one 'ends up' in a situation to which they did not contribute. Take responsibility for your actions that 'put' you there. This has been building up for about a month now, though he says it's been longer for him. He is also married with a young child. Nothing happened but I can't deny that I didn't want it to. I've been attracted to other men, and even felt the spark of desire. It happens. But it stops there. You don't have to act upon that spark, or take actions to keep the spark alive. End it. I haven't been able to stop thinking about this OM for weeks now and I know it is mutual. It doesn't matter if it's mutual. The OM has nothing whatsoever to do with YOUR choices or YOUR life. Don't even consider his feelings or actions---your husband comes first so keep HUBBY'S feelings in your sight and not this other guy. I can't avoid the situation, as I have to see him every day. Of course you can. Why wouldn't you be able to avoid 'the situation' unless you work in the porn industry and have to have sex with him for a living you can keep him at a distance and ONLY interract with him on a business level. If you don't want to take responsibility for yourself, or you don't trust yourself, or you don't want to deal with seeing him then transfer to a different department, or find a different job. What is more important to you? Your job or your husband? I also would like to think I am strong enough to stand my ground. But when I am around this person the emotions and desire exist on so many levels. Every time I set a line we end up crossing it. We tried talking about it to "put it out there" in hopes it would help but it keeps escalating. The talk should consist of: "I do not want you in my life. We deal with each other on a professional level and nothing else. Is that clear?" There is a part of me that really wants this to happen and it's shutting down the part of me that knows it is just plain wrong and the damage it would cause. I already feel guilty for the emotional side when nothing physical has happened yet. Can anyone give me advice on how to keep this from going further than it already has?? Yet? Nothing happens that YOU do not allow, invite, encourage, or participate in. Yes, figure out what it is that is missing from your marriage and restore or rebuild it. If you need to get some brief outside counseling to help you figure this out, then do it. Use your company's EAP if you have one and stick to your wedding vows. If you find out that something is missing in your marriage that can not be restored, then take the appropriate steps to end the marriage before you move on to another man.
SexKitten Posted May 14, 2005 Posted May 14, 2005 Originally posted by onthebrightside I can't avoid the situation, as I have to see him every day. yes you can, you're just not willing to. there is a difference. maybe you can't avoid seeing him every day, but you can avoid "ending up" in compromising positions with him. the problem is that you like it too much. you need to suck it up and get over these feelings and move on. you are an adult who made adult decisions to marry and are planning on having a family...yet you continue to act like an immature teenager. i feel bad for your husband, who i am sure you don't deserve.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 14, 2005 Posted May 14, 2005 Originally posted by onthebrightside Can anyone give me advice on how to keep this from going further than it already has?? Here's how to end it swiftly, and surely. This will only work if you really want it to end. 1. Tell your husband what has happened thus far, and that you are willing to go into counseling with him over it. 2. Have your husband call the OM's wife and let her know what her H is in the process of doing. 3. Tell HR at work that you feel that you wish to be transferred to another department, branch or work area.
Author onthebrightside Posted May 15, 2005 Author Posted May 15, 2005 Thanks for your advice. I just want to make it clear, maybe I used the wrong expressions in my original message - I know I am just as much to blame if not more for not stopping this before reaching the brink of the A. I didn't "end up" in a compromising position - he called me into his office and shut the door. I didn't have to go. I did put a stop to the encounter at once but I am fully aware that I NEVER should have been there in the first place - especially after it was made clear that an attraction did exist. Of course part of me did like it - liked being wanted and feeling confident and attractive - that's the part of me that I need to take some time to process. I am an intelligent person who is a bit scared at this sudden weakness I am feeling after 3 years of wedded bliss, and was considering making what would undoubtedly be a huge mistake. And I am incredibly in love with my husband. Sure, no marriage is perfect, but that's no excuse. I am human, I was stupid in my actions already, and thisclose to causing irreparable damage to something and someone who doesn't deserve it. I truly appreciate nobody giving my illicit thoughts any sort of validation. Deep down I know the right thing to do but I don't know why all of a sudden it isn't so easy. I am going to take some time to really look into myself and see how I got here. But above all, there won't be any contact or further encounters with OM. Thanks again for the honest feedback.
SexKitten Posted May 15, 2005 Posted May 15, 2005 good for you. i hope it works out. coming here for advice before doing something you can't ever take back shows you do care and you want to do the right thing. good luck.
westernxer Posted May 15, 2005 Posted May 15, 2005 CNN had a special last night about infidelity... coincidentally, most of it occurs between co-workers, the network reported. It usually starts out with friendly chats that progress into deeper discussions about marital problems. Then the pair will sleep together. Then the s.h.i.t. really hits the fan. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's seen this happen between co-workers. Am I wrong?
Author onthebrightside Posted May 15, 2005 Author Posted May 15, 2005 westernxer - no you are right - ironically enough, I did see that same "CNN Presents" last weekend. Some of the similiarities are eerie. I have been in the "real world" workforce for ~7 years now, and I've witnessed so much infidelity between co-workers. I always looked at the situations in such disgust. Which is why I was so shocked to find myself in the same potential situation with a "friend" at work. He and I had worked together for 2 years, totally platonic, then we worked together on a project and got to know each other a little more....etc, etc. Same old story. I'm not sure why this is so common, but it really is a shame (and certainly nothing I ever saw happening in my life). The statistics in that report were striking - something like 70% of married men and 45% of married women admit to having affairs? I can't remember the exact #s. And that just includes those who admit it.
westernxer Posted May 15, 2005 Posted May 15, 2005 Defintely a scary statistic. You almost have to steel yourself to stay faithful, given that you spend most of your waking hours at work with people of all shapes and sizes. I follow a personal policy of keeping conversation to a minimum with those of the opposite sex, unless it involves work. I'm not married, but I don't want to get nailed for sexual harrassment, especially if I like my job. Hang in there, brightside. Just remember that it's normal to have attractions to people who aren't your spouse. That's what being human is about... you don't stop reacting to stimuli simply because you took wedding vows. The key is to cut off the attraction at its most superficial level. He won't be the only guy you come across who's like this...
Michael86 Posted May 15, 2005 Posted May 15, 2005 Good for you brightside. Let us know how things work out. I hadn't seen the CNN special but that statistic is definitely quite sad. I see it happening at work and all around me everywhere I go it seems. Like you brightside, I look at it with disgust also. I'm single and I hope that I can find a woman someday that won't cheat! With statistics like these, I'm starting to lose hope.
HokeyReligions Posted May 15, 2005 Posted May 15, 2005 Originally posted by onthebrightside I truly appreciate nobody giving my illicit thoughts any sort of validation. Deep down I know the right thing to do but I don't know why all of a sudden it isn't so easy. I am going to take some time to really look into myself and see how I got here. But above all, there won't be any contact or further encounters with OM. Thanks again for the honest feedback. Three Cheers for onthebrightside! I think (hope) you were able to help yourself by just writing it all out---that's what I did when I had an opportunity for an affair and felt that same surprising weakness in myself. One loose stone can topple a might dam, but once the repair is made it becomes the strongest part of the structure and teaches us what to look for and, above all, how to address further weaknesses that we encounter along the way.
WithOrWithoutYou Posted May 15, 2005 Posted May 15, 2005 I truly appreciate nobody giving my illicit thoughts any sort of validation. Deep down I know the right thing to do but I don't know why all of a sudden it isn't so easy. I am going to take some time to really look into myself and see how I got here. But above all, there won't be any contact or further encounters with OM. Thanks again for the honest feedback. You are doing the right thing. The sex would probably be a lot of fun, but you would lose a lifetime of fun with your H paying for it. Even if you had an affair and didn't tell him, the guilt would eat at you (as it should, since by your own account your H is a great guy and you adore him). Do not betray him, and yourself that way. You should actively tell the man at work you only wish to talk with him on a professional level so that he knows he should back off - UNTIL your transfer to another department (so that you can have no contact with him) goes through. Don't screw up your marriage by going home and telling your H who worships the ground you walk on that you had impure thoughts, just don't screw the other guy, and however tempting it might be, don't pursue an emotional affair (AKA keeping in touch by phone, text and IM with the OM, which is also wrong too, by the way) . Think about his family too. This isn't just about you. It is about your husband, the kids you are going to have, and the other man's family. Take a step back, tell the man at work to back off and that nothing is happening, and request a transfer. Do it on Monday, or you will eventually end up totally screwing up the rest of your life. I'm glad to see you are on the right track.
Author onthebrightside Posted May 21, 2005 Author Posted May 21, 2005 Hi everyone - just wanted to give you a quick update on the latest developments: He was out of town with work the first half of the week. But I knew that after Friday's encounter he would get in touch with me at some point so I was really nervous. When he called, he said he had something to tell me. For some reason, I KNEW right away what he was about to say and guessed before he could get it out. Yep - his wife is pregnant!!! She told him over the weekend. Well talk about a way to instantly put out the 'flames' so to speak - as soon as he said I guessed right, we both just started laughing and couldn't stop. It was like a huge weight was lifted for both of us. I truly believe he was having the same feelings I was having about what we were considering - letting the lust and drama interfere with a happy life at home, even when you know it's not the right thing to do. And it was as if some greater power was working to show us the severity of the mistake we would have made if we went through with it. I was able to tell him that I had already made the decision that it was going to stop before it got started, but in the end, it didn't really matter. There was no question for either of us it was DONE. I am still very much aware of how close I came to screwing up everything that matters to me, and I was cautious to limit any contact - and keep it strictly business when contact was necessary - for the rest of the week. Despite the apparent resolution, I am still going to keep my guard up because nothing would be worth losing what I have. And I am also going for a promotion which would end up in a transfer to a different office. All the right steps to take I think!! Finally, I'm back to reality, back to feeling like myself - and I'm thrilled with that! I have never been tempted the way I was with this situation, and all of your replies and straight talk really helped set me straight and show me how ridiculous and immature I was being. I can now take all that wasted energy and put it into the marriage I have with a wonderful man. Thank you so much once again and I wish everyone the best!!
SexKitten Posted May 22, 2005 Posted May 22, 2005 good for you. you're lucky it ended in a way that you won't both be uncomfortable or hateful to each other. good luck.
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