Gunther Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 (edited) So my ex decided to reach out to a family member of mine asking how I was doing and if I was ok. I haven't contacted them for just over a week now at all and they said how they were worried because they hadn't gone so long without hearing from me before. Truth is I haven't been initiating NC to try and hurt this person, because I still care about them, but I have been needing to take some time for myself to try and heal. So far I do feel like taking the time to put more of a focus on becoming a better version of myself has been helping me get over the pain a little. Not to mention their social media is just full of everything to do with the new relationship they got into literally pretty much right after having left me, with which the reason of our BU being due to circumstances revolving around distance being an issue at this stage. I still do think of my ex quite a bit whenever I'm not doing anything to keep myself active. So my question here is, should I reach out now that she is wondering how I am and asking people close to me? Or should I give it longer and wait until they message me and ask me how I'm going themselves? Just seeking some advice and reasoning here, any advice would be much appreciated Edited September 11, 2015 by Gunther 1
ScienceGal Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 In short, no. You shouldn't contact her. Wanting to know how you're doing doesn't mean she wants to talk to you. If she did, she would've asked you directly. Be glad she didn't though, she's already in a new relationship. She's moved on enough to be with someone new. I know this can feel like a glimmer of hope, but it's not. 2
Samuel_22 Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 So my ex decided to reach out to a family member of mine asking how I was doing and if I was ok. I haven't contacted them for just over a week now at all and they said how they were worried because they hadn't gone so long without hearing from me before. Truth is I haven't been initiating NC to try and hurt this person, because I still care about them, but I have been needing to take some time for myself to try and heal. So far I do feel like taking the time to put more of a focus on becoming a better version of myself has been helping me get over the pain a little. Not to mention their social media is just full of everything to do with the new relationship they got into literally pretty much right after having left me, with which the reason of our BU being due to circumstances revolving around distance being an issue at this stage. I still do think of my ex quite a bit whenever I'm not doing anything to keep myself active. So my question here is, should I reach out now that she is wondering how I am and asking people close to me? Or should I give it longer and wait until they message me and ask me how I'm going themselves? Just seeking some advice and reasoning here, any advice would be much appreciated NO! You should have to stick to NC as Sciencegal also mentioned it...if you establish contact there are two outcomes you will get...1. you will go back to square number 1 which was a pain in the neck to begin with 2. You boost their ego, they see that they can still manipulate you easily and that you have not changed a bit, both results are not the ones you are seeking...stay NC, and NC also means you have to stop checking their social media as well...you have to wait, but waiting for what? reconciliation? NO....This is the worst mindset you can have at the moment, be patient and know that reconciliation might be in the cards...BUT the first thing is that? Do you really want to go back to someone who broke your heart? Can you even trust someone who left you for another person? Can you be happy with this person anymore?the thing you have to do right now is to assume,''It is over period'' focus on yourself, meet new people date new girls, and by the time they regret doing what they did, you will have found someone you love much more than your ex, and you will never look back...I promise... Good luck 1
Author Gunther Posted September 11, 2015 Author Posted September 11, 2015 Thank you both so much for your input in helping me with this, I really do appreciate both of your advices so much and is what I really needed. I think what you're both saying does make sense on a logical level and NC probably still is the best thing..even though it's not easy. I hope that we can have a reconciliation and things still can work, but at this point I don't know how it can when we're both too scared to talk to each other about anything.. Thats why I feel like something has to change, but then I do fully get what you are saying if by breaking NC will lead to just going backwards. The worst part is by contacting them I feel like I'm annoying them now that they're so happy with this other person. Yet why would they want to know how I am? I'm stuck on that one. Even if it's just on a well-being level, I don't feel like they accounted for my well-being during the BU. Why the consideration now that it's been a week without hearing from me? Could it be that they are somehow missing me despite being in a new relationship? I don't want to get my hopes up obviously, and things as they seem don't always work out how we want them to. What do you guys think when it comes to that? Again any advice or input is appreciated 1
Survivor12 Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 Of course not. What would it accomplish except giving you another dose of rejection? A piece of advice: Tell your family and friends not to tell you if she asks about you or anything else they see/know/hear about her even if you ask. And stop torturing yourself--block her and her friends from social media. Focus on getting through Step One--accepting that it's over. Not just "knowing" but accepting. There's a difference. Once you manage that, it will get easier. Stop looking back & trying to soothe the pain with good memories of her. When you are feeling low, look for things in the moment to lift you up...funny movies, a long run, helping a friend (or stranger) in need. By looking back, you only reinforce in your mind that being with her is the only thing that makes you happy. If you change how you think, you can change how you feel. So stop feeding your mind with new information about her to think about. One last thing, forget about "why" or "how" she did/could do something. You'll never really know.
thunder777 Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 im on no contact and u kinda hope a little bit that it might rekindle. im the one who walked away because she wasnt willing to compromise for us so ive moved on but you miss her and u get withdrawels and these withdrawal s would be happening to her too. but by sounds of it having a new bf would make it easier for her but stuff her man, go no contact forever. shes chosen some rebound over u to hide her pain thats not admirable, just cos of whatever she chose to move on from u, and when she comes back after 3 months of going no contact, tell her to piss off
Samuel_22 Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 Thank you both so much for your input in helping me with this, I really do appreciate both of your advices so much and is what I really needed. I think what you're both saying does make sense on a logical level and NC probably still is the best thing..even though it's not easy. I hope that we can have a reconciliation and things still can work, but at this point I don't know how it can when we're both too scared to talk to each other about anything.. Thats why I feel like something has to change, but then I do fully get what you are saying if by breaking NC will lead to just going backwards. The worst part is by contacting them I feel like I'm annoying them now that they're so happy with this other person. Yet why would they want to know how I am? I'm stuck on that one. Even if it's just on a well-being level, I don't feel like they accounted for my well-being during the BU. Why the consideration now that it's been a week without hearing from me? Could it be that they are somehow missing me despite being in a new relationship? I don't want to get my hopes up obviously, and things as they seem don't always work out how we want them to. What do you guys think when it comes to that? Again any advice or input is appreciated I have dumped and been dumped in the past...the reason why this guy wants to know how you are? guilt... simply put she feels guilty, they try anything to get away with this feeling... from proposing a friendship, to sending breadcrumbs, occasional messages etc... this helps them feel better, this is the only reason why they are doing this, but they fail to realize they are making things much worse on dumpee's side...chances are reconciliation in situations as such is very slim... this is how I categorize it based on my previous experience Normal break up: 35% break ups when you are a rebound, and your ex moves to an ex:25% break ups when your partner leaves you for another person: 20% so if you want to follow your logic you can see that the chance of reconciliation is slim but I don't say there is no chance at all....the best thing you can do...is to keep your distance, don't chase her, because if you do she will run faster...you have to know that they are in their honeymoon now, and for a new relationship at least 6 months is needed to expect any reconciliation or any signal for coming back etc...just move on, try to forget it all... things always go on the way they are meant to go on, if she came back one day, you would have your logic to answer the question...and believe me by then, you won't want her back...You will see what I mean...
BlueBlood Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 First off, try and reframe your NC in your mind: don't do it "to hurt someone", do it to provide you the space and calm you need to heal. Doing it to hurt her makes it about her and nothing in your life should be about her. It should be about healing you. Who cares about her? She hurt you! She's basking in a rebound on social media where she knows you'll likely see it for pete's sake! She's toxic sludge right now and you are in pain. Don't keep poisoning yourself. Unfriend her, delete her from your world, don't waste a second more on her, no looking at pictures or reading old emails/IMs, nada, zilch, nothing. She asked about you to prove she's sooooo sweet and such a good person. It had likely nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her ability to play the caring and worried darling despite the fact she took all of six seconds flat to fall in love with someone new. It's image control, not real concern for anyone but how she might be perceived. 1
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