Should I leave my wife?

[cocorico]

Because I don't want a dirty divorce. I want it quick, fast thats easy on both of us. I will be fair to her in property division and alimony.

 

 

Fair enough - as long as her A isn't cited as the reason for the D.

[cocorico]

I am pleased to see quick, decisive action being taken. That is what the WS is s always told to do in these situations - make a decision, act on it. That is what this OP is doing.

 

I accept his reasons for not muddying the D, in order to keep it quick and clean.

 

I don't understand why, when someone does what WS are always hounded to do, people still feel a need to attack.

[road]

I knew I didn't love my wife anymore 7 months ago before my affair. I didn't feel anything when I see her, I hardly wanted to talk to her, I didn't want to go out with her alone because we had nothing to talk except the kids and least of all I wanted to have sex with her.

 

I know all this chemical thing what happens during sex. But those chemical probably didn't react in me in the rare times I was having sex with my wife. Leaving my GF right now would mean me returning back to that loveless marriage quietly and suffer. And I don't want to do this.

 

 

 

 

You and your WW most likely did not do all the things needed to recover your marriage so your feelings for your WW have not come back. Allowing an OW into your life will prevent you from ever healing with your WW. This affair serves to only confuse your judgment.

 

 

AS to your OW, dump her. They cheat with you they will cheat on you. I have seen this to many times.

[SummerDreams]

Omg can't people accept that love sometimes DOES go away? Why would someone stay in a destroyed marriage and try to save it again and again? Just cause of some vows they gave years ago when they were way different than today?

 

If my H stops loving me one day I would be appreciative if he just admits it and leaves so we both find our happiness in other people. I get terrified when I think he may stay with me being unhappy and not loving me just cause he promised me he'd do so X years ago. This is why I don't believe in vows, marriage and rings. Cause they tie people in unhappy lives.

[AaronG]

@Lady Jane......

 

"afterall she found someone else before". Wow!

 

So you are actually angry because my wife has lost leverage?

 

What you were trying to do with you last post was blackmailing me about my wife replaying me as father to my daughters and being spiteful with your "afterall she found someone else before" comment.

 

Why do you come to these forums? To hurl hurtful words at people suffering?

 

P.s.- I don't care if my wife remains in the market long or not. For all I care she can get off the market just right now.

[qubist]

@Lady Jane......

 

"afterall she found someone else before". Wow!

 

So you are actually angry because my wife has lost leverage?

 

What you were trying to do with you last post was blackmailing me about my wife replaying me as father to my daughters and being spiteful with your "afterall she found someone else before" comment.

 

Why do you come to these forums? To hurl hurtful words at people suffering?

 

P.s.- I don't care if my wife remains in the market long or not. For all I care she can get off the market just right now.

Aaron, this is an open forum and some people would just say whatever the want. Don't be offended just ignore the insults and focus on the posts that relates to your topic.

In my opinion, you and your WW never treated the R correctly that's why it failed, you met the OW and that was it you marriage would not stand a chance. Trust me Ben good marriage wouldn't against the excitement of an A. It would be nice to keep a good relationship with your W no need to hurt her or cause her any more pain. Do not believe that her A didn't hurt her and the effort to R had to be hard too.

Good luck

[AaronG]

I am doing all I can to make the separation easy (yes, yes bar telling the truth why I am actually leaving).

She has tried too many times to have sex. But i denied her everytime. Because if I have sex it will not be easy for her to accept I am leaving. Plus it will give her false hope. I am trying to give her a clean break.

[qubist]

I am doing all I can to make the separation easy (yes, yes bar telling the truth why I am actually leaving).

She has tried too many times to have sex. But i denied her everytime. Because if I have sex it will not be easy for her to accept I am leaving. Plus it will give her false hope. I am trying to give her a clean break.

I feel sorry for her. Maybe telling the truth would help her realize the reality sooner but I don't know that for sure. Is it possible for you to get out the house? Try to separate yourself from her ASAP. She somehow needs to move on. I rally feel bad for her, putting the effort to R after an A is huge and for it to go down the drain must be devastating. The best thing you can do for her (assuming that your decision to leave is not reversible) is to get out of her day to day life.

[AaronG]

October 1. Eight more days. Then I am out.

 

But I am interested to know why do you think my wife's affair hurted her? How does ones affair hurt them? My affair is not hurting me.

[cocorico]

October 1. Eight more days. Then I am out.

 

But I am interested to know why do you think my wife's affair hurted her? How does ones affair hurt them? My affair is not hurting me.

 

Your A is not hurting you because you are taking action, and not allowing it to paralyse you. If you had hung around in a M you no longer wanted to be in, too scared to leave for fear of being he had guy / hurting the BW, but also unwilling to end the A because that was where your heart was, then he longer you stayed like that, the more it would have hurt.

 

These boards are full of such stories.

[qubist]

October 1. Eight more days. Then I am out.

 

But I am interested to know why do you think my wife's affair hurted her? How does ones affair hurt them? My affair is not hurting me.

 

During a typical A the cheating spouse may feel guilt but not the full affect of the Affair yet, but it's when the A fog is left up when the hurt begins and it intensifies during Roconciliation or Seperation. This is based on many stories and articles I read,I have never been in that position maybe others here with experience can chime in, there are also many threads here that talked about it.

Your A so far is not a typical A. I think is a reaction to her initial A. Plus you are still in it so can't be hurt by it yet. I think you do feel some sort of guilt otherwise you wouldn't be here

[cocorico]

I am doing all I can to make the separation easy (yes, yes bar telling the truth why I am actually leaving).

She has tried too many times to have sex. But i denied her everytime. Because if I have sex it will not be easy for her to accept I am leaving. Plus it will give her false hope. I am trying to give her a clean break.

 

Don't give in. Having sex would certainly give her false hope, and would just confuse you.

[Ladyjane14]

@Lady Jane......

 

"afterall she found someone else before". Wow!

 

So you are actually angry because my wife has lost leverage?

 

What you were trying to do with you last post was blackmailing me about my wife replaying me as father to my daughters and being spiteful with your "afterall she found someone else before" comment.

 

Why do you come to these forums? To hurl hurtful words at people suffering?

 

P.s.- I don't care if my wife remains in the market long or not. For all I care she can get off the market just right now.

 

 

Angry?... not at all. I actually DO believe that your STBXW will be happier in the long term without you. I think it's likely that she'll find someone new and will take the lessons that she's learned through her own infidelity (and yours) forward into her new relationships.

 

Here's why.... According to you, she's spent three years trying to repair the marriage. So all the experience she's gained as a remorseful wayward can be utilized in a new partnership where she doesn't have to live in the one-down position trying vainly to appease a spouse who isn't willing to give an honest effort at repairing the marriage. She'll be able to choose someone who can equal her hard-won skills relationally. She'll be able to model that healthier relationship for her children.

 

We already know that she's attractive enough to have established at least two romantic relationships prior, one with you and one during her extramarital affair. It follows that the likelihood of her finding a new mate in fairly short order would be good.

 

What's wrong with that? Sorry if you see that opinion as 'hurling hurtful words'. It's just the breakdown of the situation, based on what you've described. You've said that you don't care, so I can't imagine why you'd be so defensive about it.

 

Bottom line.. you made your choice, and you're the one who has to live with the consequences of it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am trying to give her a clean break.

 

Honesty would be the best way to accomplish that.

 

I'm curious - had your W not cheated first and you were leaving simply because you were not in love and checked out of the marriage, would you handle things the same way :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sassy Girl]

Wow. You are an angry man, aren't you?

 

Funny, Didn't get that from your first post.

 

All good. Tell. Don't tell. Won't matter. Your wife will be better off without the vengeful angry man you've become.

 

Good luck to you.

[SummerDreams]

Wow. You are an angry man, aren't you?

 

Funny, Didn't get that from your first post.

 

All good. Tell. Don't tell. Won't matter. Your wife will be better off without the vengeful angry man you've become.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Well every person reacts differently to an infidelity, a betrayal and a sudden stop to their so thought happiness. Some can be doormats and apologize for having the audacity to expect .... faithfulness from their spouse and others get angry, sad and react to this.

 

This man is normal. He thought he had a happy wedding, his wife destroyed that, this made him stop loving her and now he wants out. Plain and simple.

[AaronG]

Your wife will be better off without the vengeful angry man you've become.

 

Guess this is another spiteful post. But I am interested to know how I am being vengeful?

[Ladyjane14]

Well every person reacts differently to an infidelity, a betrayal and a sudden stop to their so thought happiness. Some can be doormats and apologize for having the audacity to expect .... faithfulness from their spouse and others get angry, sad and react to this.

 

This man is normal. He thought he had a happy wedding, his wife destroyed that, this made him stop loving her and now he wants out. Plain and simple.

 

A betrayed spouse who thinks about having a revenge affair is normal. One who actually does it.. not so much.

 

You can't engage in the same behavior that you rejected from someone else, and then make the case that you're a healthy, adjusted, emotionally mature person. It's two separate standards, one for you and one for your wayward spouse. There's no integrity in that, and the lack of internal integrity will grind away at self-esteem. Shame will erode it over time, so that all you have left is a false sort of entitlement, where one keeps trying to appease the ego.

 

That's why I kept telling the guy that the fact that HE knows is important. You have to avoid items that cause internal shame, avoid the shame-spiral and thus the one-up or one-down position.

 

It's also highly unlikely that the OP isn't going to be found out, so the idea that he's in the catbird seat here is an illusion. His girlfriend, as we learned several posts ago, travels in the same social circle as his wife. Somebody will pull her over and clue her in at some point, no matter how clever he thinks he's being right now. So, you've got an internal shame source and an external one. No way, this thing doesn't go down ugly. He's got nothing to fall back on to bolster his self esteem from the inside.

[SummerDreams]

A betrayed spouse who thinks about having a revenge affair is normal. One who actually does it.. not so much.

 

You can't engage in the same behavior that you rejected from someone else, and then make the case that you're a healthy, adjusted, emotionally mature person. It's two separate standards, one for you and one for your wayward spouse. There's no integrity in that, and the lack of internal integrity will grind away at self-esteem. Shame will erode it over time, so that all you have left is a false sort of entitlement, where one keeps trying to appease the ego.

 

That's why I kept telling the guy that the fact that HE knows is important. You have to avoid items that cause internal shame, avoid the shame-spiral and thus the one-up or one-down position.

 

It's also highly unlikely that the OP isn't going to be found out, so the idea that he's in the catbird seat here is an illusion. His girlfriend, as we learned several posts ago, travels in the same social circle as his wife. Somebody will pull her over and clue her in at some point, no matter how clever he thinks he's being right now. So, you've got an internal shame source and an external one. No way, this thing doesn't go down ugly. He's got nothing to fall back on to bolster his self esteem from the inside.

 

His affair was not a revenge affair. As he said, he stayed in the marriage for almost 2,5 years trying to R after the DDay before he actually had an affair. Yes he had all the chance to divorce first and then find a new gf but nobody is perfect. For whatever reasons he does it now. He saves his STBXW from the disturbing details that will create a nasty divorce, will hurt her and ruin any relationship they can have with one another. Even if his wife finds out about the new gf, why would he care since he has already declared he wants out? What he does from now on is not his xW's concern anymore. After all, she was the one who betrayed him and cheated first. His affair doesn't make him a saint, he had his part of wrong doing as well, but not even close to his xW's ones.

[truncated]

She is not influencing my decision. I don't even talk about our marriage to her and neither she asks except that she wants me to make a decision and she has completely fallen for me. It hurts her that I can be so selfish and string her along. It hurts me too when she says this because its not my intention. But I also tell her, if not for my daughters this would have been so much easier.

 

.

 

Oh ho, that is rich.

 

She's every bit as selfish as you are.

 

I know it's distasteful to some, but when an ow or om pushes for the married person to divorce, they are showing their true stripes.

 

They don't care about your children or if they will be hurt by a messy divorce. They only care about themselves.

 

Do you think she cares if your daughters are hurt or not? If she did, she wouldn't have gotten involved with a married person in the first place.

[Ladyjane14]

His affair was not a revenge affair. As he said, he stayed in the marriage for almost 2,5 years trying to R after the DDay before he actually had an affair. Yes he had all the chance to divorce first and then find a new gf but nobody is perfect. For whatever reasons he does it now. He saves his STBXW from the disturbing details that will create a nasty divorce, will hurt her and ruin any relationship they can have with one another. Even if his wife finds out about the new gf, why would he care since he has already declared he wants out? What he does from now on is not his xW's concern anymore. After all, she was the one who betrayed him and cheated first. His affair doesn't make him a saint, he had his part of wrong doing as well, but not even close to his xW's ones.

 

If he wouldn't have cheated unless his wife did, that's a Revenge Affair.

 

But here's the problem... when you face the man (or woman) in the mirror... it doesn't really matter who did what first.

THAT's the sort of thing I'm talking about when I use words like "healthy, adjusted, and emotionally mature".

 

This isn't a game. Nobody "wins". A family is being broken apart. And no woman who actually loves this guy would let him do this to himself. He's jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire without solving any of his problems.

 

Sure.. he can come to the Infidelity section and have lots of OWs support his position, and that might feel nice and validating for a few minutes. Then, he has to go back to Real Life. And in Real Life, no matter where you go.. there you are. The problems come with you.

Edited September 23, 2015 by Ladyjane14

[truncated]

My brother's 8 yr old is not behaved like that. She is a girl.

 

My friend's 5-8 year olds are not behaved like that.

 

And I have never said to my daughter "Look how your cousin behaves". I have never compared her to anyone.

 

No I have no problem with women in general. Just my mother and sister. And I know my daughter will most probably turn out like them.

 

Character traits like that tend to not be passed down. If someone suffers form a personality disorder, it's due to their environment. They may be predisposed to it, but something sets it off.

 

One thing that really comes across in your posts is that you are angry, and I know you don't like to hear it, that you don't like women very much, or at least your mother, sister and oldest daughter, and you also don't like anyone pointing our your flaws.

 

From what you say, the things you value in your ow is her meekness, her "somberness" , her sense of duty.You see in her someone who respects her father, and you didn't see that in your mother or sister, she seems the polar opposite to them, so you make assumptions about her.

 

What will you do when she "disappoints" you?

 

It sounds like you are a very angry man, and that therapy could really help you. Given the toxic environment you say you grew up in, it's not really surprising.

[World's.Edge]

Guess this is another spiteful post. But I am interested to know how I am being vengeful?

I don't think that Sassy Girl's post was spiteful all.

 

You don't see this because you're not emotionally intelligent & mature and self-aware, but it's obvious that the only reason you're having an extramarital affair is because your wife had one.

 

I don't agree with those advocating marriage councelling in your situation. It's clear that you should divorce, you should have divorced years ago. I have no issues with someone ending their relationship when their spouse cheats on them, and that's often my stance, but having a subsequent affair afterwards and engaging in the same deceitful and abbhorent behaviour, that's just horrible and s****y.

 

You weren't a cheater before and now you are a man who has been unfaithful and cheated on his wife, I don't know how you can be okay with that within yourself. You allowed her behaviour to dictate and corrupt your decency and moral fibre.

You can never face anyone, not your family, your friends, your daughters or strangers, look directly into their eyes and truthfully say that you have never cheated on anyone.

 

Your behaviour and decision to engage in a revenge affair is fairly common, common enough that there's a term for it. It's a typical juvenile and immature reaction. A friend of mine had his girlfriend cheat on him early in their relationship and he did what you're doing. I've seen it with a few people I know and a several times with other people so your situation is not special.

 

You're an idiot though for not having left your wife first and convincing yourself that you are in love with your mistress, you're not. You'll reject this off course but you'll see it in time or if you engage in serious introspection and suddenly mature overnight.

 

Your relationship with your mistress isn't going to work out. People usually take a break between relationships which is healthy. They are single for a while, spend time on their own, use this time to examine their lives and reflect, date other people, make changes and grow. You bypassed all of that and just went from one cheater to another cheater. Her behaviour is as s****y as your wife's was. She has taken on the role of your wife's ex boyfriend in your wife's affair, and what was your opinion of him then? What did you think and how did you feel about him:rolleyes:? Yep, that's your mistress now, not girlfriend, mistress.

 

Tell your wife, don't tell her, who cares? If this thread is real, this should unfold in a spectacularly disastrous manner.

[truncated]

Aaron, one of the advantages of parenting post-Divorce is that you get to make sure your kids learn *your* values when they are with you, rather than having to compromise all the time.

 

If you don't like how she is behaving, you can tell her her behaviour sucks (which is not the same as saying she sucks) and help her to learn better ways of behaving - when she is with you. Of course, you will have no control over what values her mother teaches her, but at least - hopefully - she will learn to behave better when she is with you.

 

I wonder how many children who had parents that had extra marital affairs and divorced ( or just plain divorced) also end up having extra marital affairs and divorcing or end p as ow/om?

 

btw...nice try to run down his soon to be ex wife. he never said his wife had bad values or anything of the sort...according to him, if anything, his daughter gets it form him and his die of the genetic equation

[truncated]

I knew I didn't love my wife anymore 7 months ago before my affair. I didn't feel anything when I see her, I hardly wanted to talk to her, I didn't want to go out with her alone because we had nothing to talk except the kids and least of all I wanted to have sex with her.

 

I know all this chemical thing what happens during sex. But those chemical probably didn't react in me in the rare times I was having sex with my wife. Leaving my GF right now would mean me returning back to that loveless marriage quietly and suffer. And I don't want to do this.

 

Why?

Why can't you be on your own for a while and spend some time getting to know yourself? Why does it have to be one or the other?