Should I leave my wife?

[JS84]

What exactly is the question since it seems like you already answered it? If you're going to leave then leave. Stop wasting your wife's time and your girlfriend's time and pull the plug on the marriage. Since you don't seem too concerned about the effects divorce will have on your children in the long run, what exactly are you waiting for?? The longer you do, the more likely it is your wife is going to find out you're screwing around anyway and you most certainly will not have an amicable divorce. She already notices something is off with you.

 

From what I can tell:

 

1. You don't love your wife since she cheated on you.

2. You love someone else who you're cheating on your wife with.

3. You want a divorce.

4. Unlike a lot of people, you realize if you divorce your kids won't necessarily be swallowed up into the abyss and turn into prostitutes with mental health issues.

5. If your wife DOES realize what you're up to things will get ugly fast.

 

So again I ask, what exactly is it you want anyone here to tell you?? To do what you need to do and stop pu$$yfooting around?

[TrustedthenBusted]

I am under no compulsion to change the societal norms. People having been leaving each other to start new relationships for millenium. And they will continue to do so long after I am gone.

 

Besides what would I get by not leaving my wife other than an intact home and miserable life where I will always regret not taking the chance at happiness? I will have no statues of me erected or earn my name in the pages of history books. They elderly couples you speak of - did they get these things?

 

Life is too short to live miserably and always regret.

 

OK then. Good luck.

[privategal]

My parents divorced with 3 little girls then my mother divorced with her 2nd marriage and us girls grew up fine. Divorce. You get one life. Dont settle.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I am committed to spend in every possible day under the same roof as my children and doing everything in my power to make that time enjoyable and the environment a loving one.

 

I don't need no statue.

[cocorico]

 

Life is too short to live miserably and always regret.

 

Exactly!

 

But make sure that whichever you choose doesn't lead to regret - know why you are choosing whichever way you choose, and make it work.

[cocorico]

I am committed to spend in every possible day under the same roof as my children and doing everything in my power to make that time enjoyable and the environment a loving one.

 

I don't need no statue.

 

My parents stayed together "for the kids". It resulted in deeply damaged kids, who felt no gratitude for that decision and who would have been better had the parents divorced (as they later did). Do not assume that staying for the kids is always the best decision.

[AaronG]

Its done!

 

Last night I told her that I want to separate. To evaluate my feelings for her. I am completely out of love with her. So I want some time apart to evaluate whether I really want this marriage.

 

She thought this was me putting her down softly but in reality all I want to do is divorce. She knew this would happen. I haven't forgiven her blah blah blah...

 

Well she is right.

 

I informed my gf. But I am not moving in with her. Obvious reasons - I do not want my wife to know I have a gf and that was reason for me moving out

 

But what I said is true. I am completely out of love with her and its never coming back.

 

I will be moving out by the end of this week. I am sleeping on the couch.

[cocorico]

Its done!

 

Last night I told her that I want to separate. To evaluate my feelings for her. I am completely out of love with her. So I want some time apart to evaluate whether I really want this marriage.

 

She thought this was me putting her down softly but in reality all I want to do is divorce. She knew this would happen. I haven't forgiven her blah blah blah...

 

Well she is right.

 

I informed my gf. But I am not moving in with her. Obvious reasons - I do not want my wife to know I have a gf and that was reason for me moving out

 

But what I said is true. I am completely out of love with her and its never coming back.

 

I will be moving out by the end of this week. I am sleeping on the couch.

 

I hope that your GF was not *really* the reason for you moving out. That is bad for her, bad for you, and not great for your BW either. You should be moving out because it is the most authentic self you can be - because staying keeps you in a role (h to your w) that no longer fits you authentically. If you make it all about your GF, you will not really he taking responsibility for your choice, and you will also be setting your GF up for blame if you later come to regret your decision. That isn't fair to anyone, which is why you need to be sure you are doing this for *you*, not her; and that if, later, things don't work out with your GF for whatever reason, you don't hold her to blame for your leaving your BW.

 

That said, I'm glad you've managed to reach a decision so quickly and painlessly. I hope things can move forward smoothly going forward.

[TrustedthenBusted]

My parents stayed together "for the kids". It resulted in deeply damaged kids, who felt no gratitude for that decision and who would have been better had the parents divorced (as they later did). Do not assume that staying for the kids is always the best decision.

 

Sounds like your parents did the first part, but not the second part.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Its done!

 

Last night I told her that I want to separate. To evaluate my feelings for her. I am completely out of love with her. So I want some time apart to evaluate whether I really want this marriage.

 

She thought this was me putting her down softly but in reality all I want to do is divorce. She knew this would happen. I haven't forgiven her blah blah blah...

 

Well she is right.

 

I informed my gf. But I am not moving in with her. Obvious reasons - I do not want my wife to know I have a gf and that was reason for me moving out

 

But what I said is true. I am completely out of love with her and its never coming back.

 

I will be moving out by the end of this week. I am sleeping on the couch.

 

Good luck. I hope i all works out. DOn't forget to come back and update the gang here, good, bad or indifferent. It makes a big difference in other peoples lives.

[Popsicle]

Best of luck, AaronG! I am amazed and happy for you.

[Doublegold]

Good luck Aaron!

[Mr. Lucky]

I informed my gf. But I am not moving in with her. Obvious reasons - I do not want my wife to know I have a gf and that was reason for me moving out

 

Telling your wife everything would allow her to place your departure in context and probably save you a lot of unnecessary "let's work on this" discussion.

 

Unless it's important to you to maintain the WW/BH dynamic ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[cocorico]

Unless it's important to you to maintain the WW/BH dynamic ...

 

Claims to the moral high ground are moot in Ms where both have had As, but they seem to matter disproportionately to some. I recently found out my H's xW had had another A (first was with him, while M to her first H; second was with an OM for whom she left H, but later begged him to take her back; third was with OOM after H had taken her back, before and coterminous with H and my A) but to hear her spin it, she was faithful to the bitter end while he cheated.

 

It would makes sense, OP, simply to say, "I find I've been unable to get past your A despite trying to forgive, and as a result I've not been able to invest properly in the M, and later had my own A. I don't think our M can recover from this as I am totally disinvested from the M and want to pursue my life, and my parenting, separately from the M". Then everyone knows where they stand.

[Celestial-dreamer]

Telling your wife everything would allow her to place your departure in context and probably save you a lot of unnecessary "let's work on this" discussion.

 

Unless it's important to you to maintain the WW/BH dynamic ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Agreed, you left the M for your OW no mistaking that. You bi***ed an moaned about your W's A, but now it's YOU having the A, it's all ok? Hypocrite. You should at least give your W the truth, she deserves it. Don't think for one minute your A will never come out. Your coming across very arrogant here. "My W had an A i'm sooooooooo mad/angry" blah blah. She at least had the decency to tell you about hers, she tried to repair the M. Your the one who gave up. You should have left BEFORE you cheated on your W. Your no better than she is. She will be left wondering why you decide now to leave, she will blame herself (be honest that's what you want isn't it) when in reality it's YOU. She may well beg you for another chance, she may spend her time waiting for you to come home, why would you do that to her? Just tell her the truth and leave. Break her heart and let her heal and move on instead of leaving her wondering and hoping, that's just cruel. You just want the easy way out and screw her over in the D. You want to look like the good guy.

[AaronG]

I hope that your GF was not *really* the reason for you moving out. That is bad for her, bad for you, and not great for your BW either. You should be moving out because it is the most authentic self you can be - because staying keeps you in a role (h to your w) that no longer fits you authentically. If you make it all about your GF, you will not really he taking responsibility for your choice, and you will also be setting your GF up for blame if you later come to regret your decision. That isn't fair to anyone, which is why you need to be sure you are doing this for *you*, not her; and that if, later, things don't work out with your GF for whatever reason, you don't hold her to blame for your leaving your BW.

 

That said, I'm glad you've managed to reach a decision so quickly and painlessly. I hope things can move forward smoothly going forward.

 

I am not sure if my GF is the main reason I am leaving but she is really the reason I am hastening. But I know I would have left eventually. If not for GF I would have dragged on for a few more years before I would have finally called it quits. Since her affair, I was "meh" to our marriage. I drowned any thing she said to me, I cooled down the hysterical bonding to where it ended up me making excuses not to have sex, spent the weekends taking elder daughter out alone without the wife or with friends. No passion, no excitement to see my wife. So I know I would have eventually left at some point.

 

And I am a realistic person. I know people disappoint. I have dealth with disappointments before from my wife and other people including family members before her affair. Thats why I wasn't enraged and boiled when I found out my wife's A. It was another disappointment from a close person to me. So I am not putting my GF up on a pedestal and thinking "this is it, its me and her till we die". It is just another relationship that can either succeed or fail. Chances are 50-50 on both sides. But from the initial signs, I must say it is encouraging.

 

But if it does end up in failure, I won't blame my GF. That I can notarize in a legal document. Its not like she stole me away from a great thing I had with my wife. Actually she did me a favour by giving me the courage to breakaway from that miserable life. I will be grateful to her for that.

 

And I will not be begging my wife to take me back. Never again returning to her.

[JS84]

How did your wife take the news? From what you've said I doubt she was all that surprised.

[AaronG]

How did your wife take the news?

 

Not too good. All I see her doing all day is cry and clean the house obsessively. She is even washing my clothes when I am asking her not to. Why would she wash my clothes? Shouldn't she be angry?

[Sassy Girl]

Not too good. All I see her doing all day is cry and clean the house obsessively. She is even washing my clothes when I am asking her not to. Why would she wash my clothes? Shouldn't she be angry?

 

She would be if she knew the truth of her own life..., but you've hidden it from her.

 

Dont you think you owe it to her to tell her.

How cruel.

[qubist]

Not too good. All I see her doing all day is cry and clean the house obsessively. She is even washing my clothes when I am asking her not to. Why would she wash my clothes? Shouldn't she be angry?

she is angry, maybe that's how she reacts to anger.

I hope you had made the right decision, I thought it would've been better it if you ended your A first before you make any decision. but it is what it is.

I disagree with some people here that you should reveal the A at this moment. If you have already decided to leave there is no need for more punishment, just go away from her life and let her cope unless you wnat her to suffer more which I don't think it's your intention. eventually she will realize that you are with someone else then she will have to deal with that.

[AaronG]

Dont you think you owe it to her to tell her.

 

I don't owe her anything. Its me she owes - 3 wasted years.

[Got it]

I don't owe her anything. Its me she owes - 3 wasted years.

 

Whoa there. How did she waste three years of your life? Were you held hostage? I think you are swinging the pendulum way too far to the one side there. Are you speaking since the affair or was the affair three years? If the time period after the affair, you actively agreed to reconciliation and need to own that. That doesn't excuse your decision to cheat, you decided to do that and since you never told her (instead of informing your wife you were going to have an open marriage) you knew it wasn't something she was on the same page about.

 

That comment, with a few others, does lend me to suggest again therapy. I think you really need to work through your anger with her, whether you are using it to justify/minimize your actions, whether you are retaliating at all because of it, and what you need to just move forward on.

 

You do have things you owe her, and I ask you not to lose sight of them. She will still coparent with you and a level of mutual compassion and care should be there for the sake of your children. Do not now use the divorce as another way to "stick it to her". Find a way to gain some peace on everything and come at it from that approach. Anger will only cause everyone more pain and destruction.

[SummerDreams]

Why did you have another kid with her since you were not even sure you loved her enough to stay with her after her affair?

[Furious]

 

I am not sure if my GF is the main reason I am leaving but she is really the reason I am hastening. But I know I would have left eventually.

 

If not for GF I would have dragged on for a few more years before I would have finally called it quits.

 

Since her affair, I was "meh" to our marriage. I drowned any thing she said to me.

 

So I am not putting my GF up on a pedestal and thinking "this is it, its me and her till we die". It is just another relationship that can either succeed or fail.

 

But if it does end up in failure, I won't blame my GF. That I can notarize in a legal document. Its not like she stole me away from a great thing I had with my wife. Actually she did me a favour by giving me the courage to breakaway from that miserable life. I will be grateful to her for that.

 

And I will not be begging my wife to take me back. Never again returning to her.

 

I worry that you've gone from the pot the frying pan. it's common sense and healthier to finish one relationship before starting another. Divorce is hard and stressful on both spouses and regretfully the children pay a price too, even though they are innocent. The kids will need extra assurance and commitment from both parents as they learn to adjust to the enormous change they will go through.

 

You wife cheated, you are now a cheater, your gf-ow cheats with you, what a mess.

[AaronG]

@Got it..... i don't have any anger towards her. Really. I am just indifferent to her.

 

But I do feel like I don't owe her anything. And you are right. For these 3 years it was my decision to stay. However that was. I am just frustrated I wasted 3 years. Frustrated at myself really. I should have left sooner, probably when I found out. In hindsight, I know it killed any feelings for her within me.