BF left me after 7 years, wants to date others

[JsC11]

I'm really confused about this break up. This might be really long, I'm sorry. I just really need advice and it's a lot of info but I'll try and make it as brief as I can.

 

My bf of almost 7 years broke up with me about two weeks ago.

 

Some history: Our first four years together was rocky. He hurt me a lot by emotionally cheating with other women usually through text, facebook messages, and received naked pics from multiple girls. He has hung out with girls behind my back many times which makes me think he has physically cheated (too many coincidences in his texts) but he'll never admit it. I emotionally cheated once to get back at him during our first year together but I regret it and was something I never thought I'd do and that has hurt us as well. But he continued to be jealous, controlling (emotionally/mentally abusive), and talk/flirt with girls behind my back for the next 3 years. And I was good to him the entire time and even gave him money when he was unemployed. I wasn't allowed to have facebook so he seemed single to all these girls. My family didn't like him for those 4 years, they're just traditional but they have changed about 2 years ago. (My family told me all this year that they will accept him and want to restart a new relationship with him). I eventually broke up with him before our 4 year anniversary; but after hearing that he had changed, I took him back 4 months later. And he was completely different. He was sweet, loving and everything I always wanted in a boyfriend. He told me to forget the past and that he would never hurt me.

 

So these past three years have been amazing. We never fought, we hung out almost every day (we don't live together), we were like best friends. And the few times we had disagreements, they were always communicated in a respectful manner. Everything seemed great..until he went to Cancun three weeks ago. He went for his sister's wedding and told me not to worry and that he loves me so much. And the only reason he's going is because his family is pressuring him.

 

Four days before he seemed different but I thought it was just because he was busy and preoccupied planning and making sure he had everything. Then during Cancun, he called the first day and seemed to miss me; but the next 4 days he wouldn't call. I understood and knew he was busy but one night when he said he lost his phone, I called him and he seemed like he didn't want to talk and got angry with me when I asked him nicely if he was interested in other girls there or if something was wrong. He said I don't trust him or support him and he's with his family and 20 other people. When he got back, he was distant and I was sensing some weird vibe and he wasn't very loving or seemed to miss me. So two days after he got back, I asked to sit down and talk.

 

He said he wanted a break/space and that we hang out too much. That since we've been together since 18 yrs old, that our relationship has stunted our individual growths and that since our first couple years together were rocky, it has affected our relationship. He does notice I'm abit insecure at times but the insecurity first started 4 months ago when he started drinking and smoking again and going out with friends. It was just something I had to get used to and learn that he meant it when he said he would never hurt me again.

 

A few days later, he broke up with me. He said he was scared that he would regret this in the future. That I'm still his best friend and our minds are connected. He says he still loves me and will always love me. And this could be his biggest mistake in life. But it didn't make sense to me. I feel totally blindsided and I knew there was more to this than what he's told me.

 

I've been very mature during this whole breakup. I cried over the phone when he first called to break up with me but I've seen him twice since then for closure and I haven't cried in front of him. I never got angry or upset. I acted like the friend I was to him and like I was doing ok even though I am hurting. He knows how I'm in pain, I just wanted to handle this break up in a respectful, mature way.

 

Because of this, it's made him feel secure to admit to me that he was attracted to other girls in general. No one in particular but he was attracted to them physically and liked hanging out and talking to other girls. I don't think he's hung out with anyone behind my back but there were other girls in Cancun and he got a taste of the single life and going to clubs and other girls being around. For the past three years, he's only hung out with guys, me, and these guy's girlfriends/wives. So I think seeing all these options makes him want to date other girls. He said he "honestly wanted to date other girls and re-date" me. That he's been attracted to other girls and thought about other girls at times before Cancun and "it makes everything with us not make sense. Especially because of everything between us." I don't know what he means by that. I do know one of those factors being my family (but I'm not close to my family at all and don't have a good relationship with them so Idk why that would matter). He just doesn't know how to explain what he's feeling and that it's a combination of a bunch of things.

 

I was a really good girlfriend. I'm not into clubs or partying. I like to cook and take care of him; and clean. We were not living together but I would still clean his apartment and do his laundry when I could. I thought we were saving up for a place together so I helped him out financially and gave him thousands of dollars; helped him pay off his car and bills. I'm also a nice person and sweet natured. My boss and coworkers say I'm too nice and always smiling. I did everything to work for a future together and he just left me..I just don't understand.

 

I did thank him for being open and honest with me and for ending things with me before doing anything with another girl. I rather this happen then him cheating or talking to someone else while we're together.

 

Some possibilities: His parents had a bad divorce and maybe he's scared of committing right now since he didn't get a chance to date around. Maybe he doesn't want to make a mistake like his dad and then be in his thirties and "not in his prime"? His sister and now brother-in-law were together for 5 years and had a daughter; but broke up for 3 years, dated other people and got back together and are married and incredibly happy. Maybe he's hoping for that between us too? Because he seems like he thinks he can get back together with me in the future but wants to date around right now.

 

Another possibility: I think he's talking to this girl that went to the wedding in Cancun. She's his new step sister-in-law and she has a boyfriend and has been with him for 4 years. But I can tell that things between them are rocky. The 2nd time my ex and I hung out, I saw him texting someone whose contact name I didn't recognize and I could kind of see him text: "Whats up boo" and the response back was long but one sentence seemed to say "he doesn't appreciate me". There were pics of them during the wedding, in one pic they both have their arms around each other and about to take a shot. But it was a group pic and his brother was also holding another girl. But this girl is fun, loud, party type. She goes to Vegas and dresses up to go downtown a lot. But I can see that he could be attracted to her because she gives off confidence, a people person, and likes to have fun. But I only met her twice about three years ago and we didn't really talk so I can't say for sure that is her personality. (I facebook creeped ok? I hated myself for doing that but I had to know what was going on).

 

I just don't get it. I wasn't attracted to other guys ever. How can he be so interested in other women? Is there any men out there that can give me any insight on this? Any ladies that have some ideas on what's going on or have been through something similar? He says he thinks I'm sexy and he loves me, is this more about him? What does he want? I just don't get how you can say you love someone but be so attracted and interested in other people. And I thought men wanted a wifey type like me? I'm just a laid back, sweet, nice person. I become friends with everyone I meet. Just because I'm not loud or extremely goofy doesn't mean I don't like to have fun or joke around.

 

I loved him so much and put in so much effort into this relationship. I just feel so taken advantage of. What more could I have done to make him happy and just want me?? I don't feel like ever getting back together with him because I took him back once and he still just dumps me like I'm nothing and like we're not best friends..but does anyone think that this break would be good? Should I take him back after he's had time to explore and figure out that we are meant to be? Or is this just an excuse to go mess around with other girls then think we can get back together; and that I should never take him back?

[ExpatInItaly]

Holy crap.

 

This relationship has been toxic and one-sided for a very long time. OP, you're not going to like this, but I don't think he ever truly loved or respected you. The cheating, the dishonesty - that's not love. And he had the cojones to tell you to forget the pain he caused you? After just 4 months? I would've laughed in his face as I slammed the door in it. Seriously.

 

Stop being a doormat and his maid and bank account. You're being used ina huge way. Go and find your backbone and keep this tool out of your life for good. You can't make someone fall in love with you when they just don't feel the same way. You're way too convenient and enabling. And he freely exploited that.

 

He's a jerk but you're too codependent and people-pleasing. Trust me, he did you a gigantic favour by breaking up with you. Take the opportunity to reflect and ask yourself why you permitted him to mistreat you for so long. Ask yourself why you are clinging to this. It's extremely unhealthy. You deserve 1000 times better. There are so many men out there who are honest and respectful and wouldn't dream of cheating or walking away from you. He isn't one of them.

[JsC11]

Many of the answers you seek can be found in the following thread:

 

"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

 

Be sure to read the entire thread. The OP and many others add a lot of additional information (like the Stages of G.I.G.S.).

 

You First, thank you for the link and I will read the thread. I definitely feel like he could be going through that.

[JsC11]

He's a jerk but you're too codependent and people-pleasing. Trust me, he did you a gigantic favour by breaking up with you. Take the opportunity to reflect and ask yourself why you permitted him to mistreat you for so long. Ask yourself why you are clinging to this. It's extremely unhealthy. You deserve 1000 times better. There are so many men out there who are honest and respectful and wouldn't dream of cheating or walking away from you. He isn't one of them.

 

ExpatInItaly, thank you so much for this. I needed to hear this. Your entire post was helpful.

 

I've been trying to go no contact with him and move on. I've been hanging out with new friends from work and venting to one woman about all this; and she has made me realize my self worth and that I helped him out too much.

But last night, he contacted me and we briefly texted and that is when he admitted he has always been attracted to other women during our relationship and wanted to "date other girls and re-date me." After the conversation, I reminded him to not contact me and I wouldn't be responding for now on if he did. But it left me feeling inadequate just because I did so much and it still wasn't enough, and he still thought about other women. And we had a good relationship for the past three years. He was kind and loving and a good boyfriend the past three years that I thought he changed and that's why I've been hanging onto him. But the fact that he still thought about other women just confuses me. It also made me think about him being with someone else and treating them way better.

 

I guess I just have to walk away from this knowing this issue is with him and not me. You're right that there are other men out there who wouldn't be like this. It's just hard when I'm 25 years old and people my age just don't seem serious about relationships. Or maybe I just haven't met that many people and many are that way. But I will be single for a long time and heal and grow from this.

 

I know I have a lot to work on but I now know I will never be putting this much effort into a relationship without getting the same in return.

[JsC11]

Oh my gosh, thank you, You First.That thread was absolutely amazing. It answered all my questions. I kept thinking he was going through something similar to a mid life crisis in his twenties but I didn't know this was a real thing! And being attracted to other girls, is the part that hurts the most but someone going through GIGS might be just thinking of what it'd be like to be with someone else.

 

This thread gave me a lot of comfort and it was spot on. The break up was out of nowhere to me and the reasons aren't sufficient enough for us to end things and not work through them. But I can see this issue is all about him and his feelings and there's nothing I can do but give him space.

 

I'm just really happy I handled the break up the way Homebrew stated in the thread, and I didn't even read it yet I wanted us to end on somewhat "good" terms because I knew he was confused. So I didn't go hysterical or cry and beg him back. I let him go and I'm doing NC so he can have his time.

 

I can say though that I will be the dumpee who might get a chance for reconciliation but will not get back together with the dumper. Like ExpatInItaly said, our relationship wasn't healthy and one sided. So thank you again to ExpatInItaly for being so real and telling me the truth about my situation. I do have so much to offer someone great who will love me and not cheat or walk away. And I have issues with myself to work on so I can be strong and independent and not be a people-pleaser.

 

Thank you again, You First, for the link to the thread. I still have a lot to read but it has helped and answered so many questions. I was so confused and that thread help me understand what was going on.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, out of curiosity, how do you come to the conclusion that this break-up was out of nowhere when he has a long history of bad behaviour? By your own calculation, there was more negative (4 years) than positive (3 years) And by his own admission, you weren't the only woman on his mind throughout the relationship.

 

This tells me that he was never fully invested in you. You unfortunately made it too easy for him to come back and assumed that 4 months was enough to erase 4 years of being a tool. I have a feeling he was a lot better at hiding it the second time around but never really stopped altogether.

 

For what it's worth, I need to respectfully reject this so-called "GIGS". Sorry, but I don't buy it and never did. I think a lot of people want to attach such a label to normal behaviour of young people, ie. wanting to date around and not wanting to settle down yet. That's not some disorder/affliction/syndrome. It's not a quarter-life crisis. It's human behaviour. I think a lot of dumpees want to believe in it simply because they cannot face the truth that their partner just isn't in love anymore, lost interest and wants to see what else is out there. I also believe a lot of the discourse about "GIGS" give dumpees false hope that once their ex "gets over" this, they will be back. Not a healthy mindset.

 

Having said that, you have done the right thing by telling him not to contact you and by not asking for him to get back together. He clearly doesn't want to commit to you and be in a relationship with you anymore. Your best bet is not analyzing the why/how and all this GIGS nonsense, but reading up instead on No Contact. For you. He was not a good boyfriend, and you should stay far away from him. Also, I think it would be enlightening to research co-dependency a bit. Stay strong and keep moving forward, one little step at a time. He was never good enough for you.

[sandylee1]

The relationship has run its course and he wants out to date others. You put up with too much crap from him and it's high time you blocked him and invested time in yourself.

 

- Don't call him again

- Hang out with your friends

- Take up a new hobby. It can be something therapeutic like

Floristry, photography

- Have a spa day

- Get a new hairstyle / new outfits /makeover

- Go walking and get fresh air/go to the gym

 

Just do things to make yourself feel better. Take photos of your good times and post on your social media

 

You deserve a better and honestly you put up with bad behaviour. Try and gain the confidence to never let a man do this to you. ALWAYS have a dealbreaker.

[JsC11]

OP, out of curiosity, how do you come to the conclusion that this break-up was out of nowhere when he has a long history of bad behaviour? By your own calculation, there was more negative (4 years) than positive (3 years)

 

I guess because he was completely different. It was a 180 from who he was in the 4 years. For the 4 months we were apart, he was constantly saying things on facebook about us. And we weren't even FB friends and his profile was private so I couldn't see any of the things he posted until after we got back together. So I saw he realised what he lost. He was incredibly loving and always being sweet and patient and thinking about me. But maybe it could have just been a renewed "honeymoon period." I will never know why he has went through so many changes during these years but now I really don't want to even ponder it.

 

And by his own admission, you weren't the only woman on his mind throughout the relationship.

This tells me that he was never fully invested in you...I have a feeling he was a lot better at hiding it the second time around but never really stopped altogether.

 

I could definitely see this. I don't know if he was ever attracted to anyone specifically but either way, he felt attracted to other girls. So he's always just been a s***ty person. Maybe he was just hiding it during this time. He never explained things very well but I guess it doesn't matter at this point. Either way, we're done so you're right that there is just no use in trying to figure out the why. I must just be trying to find "closure." Even though that is never a real thing. Closure starts with the dumpee forgetting about the dumper altogether and moving on without any type of reasoning behind the break up. I think I forget that at times; people like to think closure is getting a valid reason for the break up. And that's what I tried to do, unfortunately.

 

Having said that, you have done the right thing by telling him not to contact you and by not asking for him to get back together. He clearly doesn't want to commit to you and be in a relationship with you anymore. Your best bet is not analyzing the why/how and all this GIGS nonsense, but reading up instead on No Contact. For you. He was not a good boyfriend, and you should stay far away from him. Also, I think it would be enlightening to research co-dependency a bit. Stay strong and keep moving forward, one little step at a time. He was never good enough for you.

 

I will from this point on, stop questioning the why. You helped me realise how awful of a bf he was. I will read the No Contact thread. I have been doing well these past two weeks and every day is better than the last. I don't think about him much anymore. He feels like a stranger to me already. I'm excited for my journey to grow and I feel like I've let him go. I just felt like I needed outside perspective on this. You really helped me a lot. I will also look into co-dependency as well. I really do believe I did that in the relationship with him. That would be a good research during my time to work on myself so I will be healthy for future relationships.

[JsC11]

The relationship has run its course and he wants out to date others. You put up with too much crap from him and it's high time you blocked him and invested time in yourself.

 

- Don't call him again

- Hang out with your friends

- Take up a new hobby. It can be something therapeutic like

Floristry, photography

- Have a spa day

- Get a new hairstyle / new outfits /makeover

- Go walking and get fresh air/go to the gym

 

Just do things to make yourself feel better. Take photos of your good times and post on your social media

 

You deserve a better and honestly you put up with bad behaviour. Try and gain the confidence to never let a man do this to you. ALWAYS have a dealbreaker.

 

I love this. I will definitely do all that and keep myself busy. And do a lot to learn to love myself again like working out, new clothes, hair, etc like you mentioned.

 

My friend and I are already planning a trip to Australia (she was already scheduled to go work there for 2 weeks and I told her I'd love to come with). I've researched hiking spots and cool secret areas in my home town that you can hike to that I'm looking forward to doing and taking lots of photos and posting on social media.

 

Thank you for the advice. I honestly felt insecure after he told me he thinks about other girls. But you and ExpatInItaly made me realise how much better I am than him. He didn't ever deserve someone like me.

 

My favorite part: "Try and gain the confidence to never let a man do this to you. ALWAYS have a dealbreaker."

 

I learned so much from this relationship that will follow me into future ones. What I mean is just standing up for myself, loving myself first, not being afraid to lose someone, not letting someone use me. I will never let anyone do this to me again. So at least I learned this now and still have so much to look forward to instead of later down the road. I will always have a deal breaker now.

 

Thank you, Sandylee1 for your kind words!

[LovecraftLover]

I loved him so much and put in so much effort into this relationship. I just feel so taken advantage of. What more could I have done to make him happy and just want me?? I don't feel like ever getting back together with him because I took him back once and he still just dumps me like I'm nothing and like we're not best friends..but does anyone think that this break would be good? Should I take him back after he's had time to explore and figure out that we are meant to be? Or is this just an excuse to go mess around with other girls then think we can get back together; and that I should never take him back?

 

It isn't about you, it is about him. You were loving and he took it for granted. The truth is, if he really loved you, he wouldn't even consider anyone else. He would be building towards a future with you. This makes me sad just thinking about it, but honestly, you deserve so much better. I'm not saying you are entitled to anything, but really...why would he get insulted by you caring if he was involved with anyone else? I would consider that flattering...in fact, it would prove to me that you really cared whether I was loyal. It would mean that my loyalty, my love actually meant something.

 

Maybe I am cut from a different cloth, but a persons dedication should be cherished. I personally want a ride or die chick. A woman who is enthusiastic about our future.

 

If he doesn't seem an enthusiastic as you are, and you show him that you really want to go the extra mile and he takes advantage...then dump him. He doesn't deserve you.

[JsC11]

It isn't about you, it is about him. You were loving and he took it for granted. The truth is, if he really loved you, he wouldn't even consider anyone else. He would be building towards a future with you. This makes me sad just thinking about it, but honestly, you deserve so much better. I'm not saying you are entitled to anything, but really...why would he get insulted by you caring if he was involved with anyone else? I would consider that flattering...in fact, it would prove to me that you really cared whether I was loyal. It would mean that my loyalty, my love actually meant something.

 

I definitely understand what you mean. The few times he questioned my love for him and my loyalty, I felt like saying all I could to confirm my love and that I wasn't interested in anyone else. It flattered me as well because it shows that your partner has feelings for you and loves you. But he stopped asking questions like that months ago.

 

Thank you for confirming that this wasn't about me. We never argued and there was nothing in the relationship that I could point to and say that is why we broke up. I never nagged or was mean and there wasn't any differences in the relationship that could cause a break up. So that's why it seemed out of blue to me. And I kept doing things to help him out so we could progress in life. He told me that by October, we'd move in together so I kept giving him money; and he works a construction job so I would clean his apartment or help out so he wouldn't be so stressed. I just worked hard towards the next step for us and I should find someone who is excited to work with me and not take advantage of me. I did my part of the relationship so this has to be issues within himself.

 

Maybe I am cut from a different cloth, but a persons dedication should be cherished. I personally want a ride or die chick. A woman who is enthusiastic about our future.

If he doesn't seem an enthusiastic as you are, and you show him that you really want to go the extra mile and he takes advantage...then dump him. He doesn't deserve you.

 

Thank you for your advice, LovecraftLover. The responses to this has changed my perception of him and this break up. I feel so much stronger now. It feels vain thinking that he doesn't deserve me, but it really feels like it now. It was nice to hear your response because it shows me that there are other men out there who would be happy with someone like me.

[JsC11]

Thank you to everyone who responded to this thread. You have helped me immensely. I feel so much better about this break up and actually feel happy and thankful it happened!! I will stop wondering why he broke up with me and move on.

Edited September 12, 2015 by JsC11