Hope87 Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 (edited) Hi All! Thank you all so much for your advice, actually early on to begin with it was something we had discussed, and whilst I have done the dating scene, I have become more open to seeing how things pan out with a guy. This guy has been as single for as long as I have which is about 2 years. We did kind of talk about things, but he said the best thing to do would be to just see how it goes as he loves to spend time with me and talk with me etc. We have only had 4 dates and our 5th one next week. The whole 'no sex' thing was something that was lightly mentioned a bit earlier, but now after that whole conversation its deffinitely come across more clear. If a guy knows he's deffinitely not getting sex then why would he want to stay? I mean i'm very sure of my choice on this, it is a bigger deal to me now than when I was a bit younger and was up for that kind of fun. But he has only had the one gf, and never done the dating scene before... I dont know. But when we were talking I was upfront and said something along the lines of y'know we dont have to carry on, because I dont want to be strung along by you or waste my time, and he said that he wouldn't want to or do anything to hurt me, and that he just wants to see how it goes and continue to see me, he said he 'wasn't desperate for a relationship or looking to commit but if it did happen he wouldn't rule it out' which i kinda took as...he was open to it if it was to go that way. we had spoken on the phone that evening it was normal, but towards the end it got a bit weird, he was just joking but i wasn't in the mood for his jokes, and he could tell I was upset, and the next morning he messaged to apologise and said he should have tried a it more to cheer me up. Then we carried on as normal and have still been talking since. I dont know. Save yourself the heartache and don't invest another moment of your time with this man. The man you've described fits the man described in my recent thread to a T. Now I'm hurting and desperately wish I had paid more attention to his words. We started our relationship on a very similar note as well, although he actually sounded more promising. As time went by, he started using wishy washy language akin to what you've just described. "I'm not ready for a high level of commitment but i want to see how things go". " I enjoy spending time with you and I really enjoy talking to you -you make me laugh". Like you, I imposed a no- sex policy as a means of safeguarding my heart and he seemed very understanding and respectful about my decision . Now I've learnt, as Gaeta pointed out that a woman's heart and time are just as valuable and delicate as her vagina. We never had sex, but I'm hurting because I invested in him emotionally. Similarly to your guy, he hadn't dated anyone in 2 years and typically engaged in casual flings. 1) pay close attention to what a man says because he almost always means exactly what he says. A man who's genuinely looking for or open to or interested in pursing a serious relationship in the near future would not use such ambiguous and vague language. 2) As far as he is concerned, he has not made any promises to you...proceed at your own peril. He hasn't assured you about the future or direction of the relationship- you're essentially gambling with your emotions. 3) some guys will wait as long as necessary to get sex. They may eventually give up if the effort isn't worth the anticipated reward but don't presume to know a man's intentions because he is demonstrating a gentlemanly approach towards sex. 4) I understand that it may be a bit too early for him to be able to say with all certainty that he wants a relationship with you, but the key point here is to determine his mind frame and attitude towards serious relationships in general and also at thus point in his life From all indications, he's simply not thinking about that now and he's told you so. "Let's see how things go " is the classic line employed by unserious people. They are empty words which you shouldn't accord much significance or promise to. How old is this man if I may ask? Wish you the very best!! Edited September 13, 2015 by Hope87 1
Lois_Griffin Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 I get the impression that he'll still invest minimal time in you (1 date a week) because he genuinely likes you and for some guys, they like a challenge. You've become a challenge because you told him you wouldn't have sex unless you were in a committed relationship. It's very possible he's hanging around to see if he's got what it takes to make you change your mind and break your rules. I also think it's also highly possible that he'll continue to invest minimally in you while continuing to date other women who will have sex with him. In that type of scenario, he's ok to spend a night with you at the mini golf place and having fun talking with you and all that - and the next night doing shots off some blonde's navel at the club before bringing her home with him for wild monkey sex.
Author lollypoppet Posted September 13, 2015 Author Posted September 13, 2015 Thank you Hope87, you're right, but its just the little things he will do for me that confuses me, like he remembers the small things about me, and he will arrange our dates to my interests... we are both 24 (but culturally we are indian so the age thing is a factor) i'm just a bit confused, i even gave him the chance to leave and told him i think we should stop if thats what he wants...in the sense of causalness, because i dont want to be strung along or waste my time and he said he wants to continue to see me as he enjoys talking to me etc. So i'm confused more by his actions in comparison to his words. Just like Gaeta said, his actions, and they do show a lot an coincinde with his words which is why i'm a bit confused...
katiegrl Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 (edited) Hi All! Thank you all so much for your advice, actually early on to begin with it was something we had discussed, and whilst I have done the dating scene, I have become more open to seeing how things pan out with a guy. This guy has been as single for as long as I have which is about 2 years. We did kind of talk about things, but he said the best thing to do would be to just see how it goes as he loves to spend time with me and talk with me etc. We have only had 4 dates and our 5th one next week. The whole 'no sex' thing was something that was lightly mentioned a bit earlier, but now after that whole conversation its deffinitely come across more clear. If a guy knows he's deffinitely not getting sex then why would he want to stay? I mean i'm very sure of my choice on this, it is a bigger deal to me now than when I was a bit younger and was up for that kind of fun. But he has only had the one gf, and never done the dating scene before... I dont know. ***But when we were talking I was upfront and said something along the lines of y'know we dont have to carry on, because I dont want to be strung along by you or waste my time, and he said that he wouldn't want to or do anything to hurt me, and that he just wants to see how it goes and continue to see me, he said he 'wasn't desperate for a relationship or looking to commit but if it did happen he wouldn't rule it out' which i kinda took as...he was open to it if it was to go that way*** . we had spoken on the phone that evening it was normal, but towards the end it got a bit weird, he was just joking but i wasn't in the mood for his jokes, and he could tell I was upset, and the next morning he messaged to apologise and said he should have tried a it more to cheer me up. Then we carried on as normal and have still been talking since. I dont know. Late in joining the party, but my take is that the way HE interpreted your conversation, was whether or not he was ready to commit "to you" at this point in time .....not just "ready to commit in general." You just started dating, of course he is not ready to commit "to you" just yet. But as you continue to date and get to know each other, his feelings could grow to the point where he WILL be ready to commit "to you." That's how it works... you date, you spend time together, you get to know each other, either your feelings for each other start to grow or they don't.... and you break up. Right now he expressed his strong interest in you, spending time, and getting to know you. This is good, so focus on THAT. The reason why I think that's the way HE interpreted the convo was because in your OP you said somehow the conversation "had the essence of where are WE going." We meaning YOU and HIM ....*not* in general. No wonder he got *scared* as you said in your OP, who the hell brings up commitment after only four dates? My advice would be to continue to date, pay attention to his actions, get to know each other and have fun! In time, it will either lead to a relationship and commitment or it won't. It's all a risk, dating is a risk, life is a risk. No one knows what they want in the very early stages. How many times have we heard of men saying they "are" looking for a relationship ...so the women thinks "great! We're on the same page!" Only to find once it starts leading to the point where a relationship is the next step, the guy is off and running. Or maybe they even get into a relationship, only to discover that is not what he wanted after all. Just date for heaven's sake, have fun. Don't even bring it up in the early stages ..because whatever they say is often NOT how it will ultimately go down anyway, so what's the point of even bringing it up? Relax, don't over-think, don't project past bad experiences to the present ....enjoy each other and have fun!!!! Take a deep breath and take a chance! If it doesn't work out, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, head high .... and continue your search! Edited September 14, 2015 by katiegrl 1
katiegrl Posted September 14, 2015 Posted September 14, 2015 (edited) ***Thank you Hope87, you're right**** , but its just the little things he will do for me that confuses me, like he remembers the small things about me, and he will arrange our dates to my interests... we are both 24 (but culturally we are indian so the age thing is a factor) i'm just a bit confused, i even gave him the chance to leave and told him i think we should stop if thats what he wants...in the sense of causalness, because i dont want to be strung along or waste my time and he said he wants to continue to see me as he enjoys talking to me etc. So i'm confused more by his actions in comparison to his words. Just like Gaeta said, his actions, and they do show a lot an coincinde with his words which is why i'm a bit confused... Actually lollypop, no Hope 87 is not right, she is projecting HER past bad experience with her guy on to your situation with your guy. Your guy is NOT her guy....Two totally different people...with different feelings, different intentions, different goals. Different women! Again because of what you said in your OP about your conversation having "the essence of where are WE going" (your exact words) .... that is how your guy interpreted it .... you and him, not in general. Which is why he responded the way he did. It was wayyyyy too soon for that talk. I give him credit for sticking around actually, he must reaallllly like you!!! Many guys would have been like "whoa girl....slow down, we just started dating!" Just date and enjoy each other lolly....see where it leads. Good luck! Edited September 14, 2015 by katiegrl
Recommended Posts