What am I setting myself up for?

[lollypoppet]

Hi All,

 

I met a guy online in July and we have been talking every single day since, we've been on 4 dates so far 5th one next week. Just because of our work schedules etc. Mostly mine as I work by rota, or yknow sometimes we've made plans with freinds etc.

 

We get on so well, we talk pretty much every day, and it's always so much fun

 

He went away on holiday with his friends and I hadn't messaged him at all, until like 2 days before the end of his holiday, just to say i hiope he's having fun and everything else, I made a joke to be like 'well i hope you've missed my pretty face' and he replied that he has missed me and that he hopes I also missed him too... it was a really sweet message.

 

So he messaged when he got back home, and we arranged to meet up after this weekend. But yesterday we were talking and it was a bit sexual. not in an extreme way just flirting, and it some how came to the point of a conversation that had the essence of 'where are we going' It was a conversation I NEVER wanted to have with him, but it was only because I said that I didn't want to have sex with anyone unless I was with them which he had pretty much knew from the beggining that i was abstaining.

 

He had a Chandler Bing moment, and he was a bit scared, but he said he really wasn't looking for anything serious or looking to commit, but he wouldn't rule it out if it did happen, and it kinda upset me, because his week away meant I was starting to miss him a lot more and seem more fond of him than i initially thought. so I was hoping lets see where it pans out. maybe it could go that way.

 

But then he said he really likes me and he loves talking with me and when we spend time together and would like to see where it goes. I had kinda gone radio silent on him because I didnt want to speak with emotions too much.

 

I just dont know what this means, he knows I wouldn't unless I was with someone, and he said he likes me, still wants to spend time with me and see where it goes, but why? Any ideas?

Edited September 11, 2015 by lollypoppet

[Redhead14]

Hi All,

 

I met a guy online in July and we have been talking every single day since, we've been on 4 dates so far 5th one next week. Just because of our work schedules etc. Mostly mine as I work by rota, or yknow sometimes we've made plans with freinds etc.

 

We get on so well, we talk pretty much every day, and it's always so much fun

 

He went away on holiday with his friends and I hadn't messaged him at all, until like 2 days before the end of his holiday, just to say i hiope he's having fun and everything else, I made a joke to be like 'well i hope you've missed my pretty face' and he replied that he has missed me and that he hopes I also missed him too... it was a really sweet message.

 

So he messaged when he got back home, and we arranged to meet up after this weekend. But yesterday we were talking and it was a bit sexual. not in an extreme way just flirting, and it some how came to the point of a conversation that had the essence of 'where are we going' It was a conversation I NEVER wanted to have with him, but it was only because I said that I didn't want to have sex with anyone unless I was with them which he had pretty much knew from the beggining that i was abstaining.

 

He had a Chandler Bing moment, and he was a bit scared, but he said he really wasn't looking for anything serious or looking to commit, but he wouldn't rule it out if it did happen, and it kinda upset me, because his week away meant I was starting to miss him a lot more and seem more fond of him than i initially thought. so I was hoping lets see where it pans out. maybe it could go that way.

 

But then he said he really likes me and he loves talking with me and when we spend time together and would like to see where it goes. I had kinda gone radio silent on him because I didnt want to speak with emotions too much.

 

I just dont know what this means, he knows I wouldn't unless I was with someone, and he said he likes me, still wants to spend time with me and see where it goes, but why? Any ideas?

 

It's only been, what?, 6 dates. He was hoping for sex, you explained that you didn't want to have sex until you were in a committed relationship. I understand that he wouldn't want to commit to you yet, he's not sure enough about you after only 6 dates. That makes sense. So, he's basically saying "ok, we can wait for a while, enjoy each other's company and if/when I feel enough connection with you, I will commit to you. Nothing wrong with that.

 

Go out with him, enjoy the dates and see how it develops. You are rushing things. but he said he really wasn't looking for anything serious or looking to commit -- Did you ask him what his overall dating goals were?

He's of course not looking to commit to you specifically right now, but is he dating for a relationship in general or does he not want a relationship with anyone for himself? If he's just dating casually without the goal of a relationship at all, then you should move on.

[J21]

Did you not want to have the conversation because you're not looking for commitment? Or because it was over the phone?

 

I think you are over complicating things.

 

Everything can be answered by the one line he told you: he's not looking for anything serious or looking to commit. That whole "If it happens, it happens" is such a BS thing to say. At the end of the day, you're either looking for something serious or you're not. If you don't know, then you are not looking for something serious.

 

If you are looking for something serious, then he's not the person for you.

 

Why would you be with someone that is all dilly dally and doesn't know what he wants in the first place?

[Redhead14]

Did you not want to have the conversation because you're not looking for commitment? Or because it was over the phone?

 

I think you are over complicating things.

 

Everything can be answered by the one line he told you: he's not looking for anything serious or looking to commit. That whole "If it happens, it happens" is such a BS thing to say. At the end of the day, you're either looking for something serious or you're not. If you don't know, then you are not looking for something serious.

 

If you are looking for something serious, then he's not the person for you.

 

Why would you be with someone that is all dilly dally and doesn't know what he wants in the first place?

 

doesn't know what he wants in the first place -- That's the problem, she didn't clarify whether he mean't that he's not ready to commit to her yet or if he isn't dating for a relationship overall.

 

The conversation should have gone to what each of their dating goals were. Of course he wouldn't know whether he wants to commit to her so soon, so that response makes sense in that context. He told he is willing to explore that possibility with her though. So at least he likes her enough to forgo sex and spend more time with her.

 

She needs to observe how he dates her now. Since she didn't give him sex, he may simply stop contacting her or slow it down, so that will be a sign that he's just a casual guy who hoped for sex with her.

[J21]

doesn't know what he wants in the first place -- That's the problem, she didn't clarify whether he mean't that he's not ready to commit to her yet or if he isn't dating for a relationship overall.

 

The conversation should have gone to what each of their dating goals were. Of course he wouldn't know whether he wants to commit to her so soon, so that response makes sense in that context. He told he is willing to explore that possibility with her though. So at least he likes her enough to forgo sex and spend more time with her.

 

She needs to observe how he dates her now. Since she didn't give him sex, he may simply stop contacting her or slow it down, so that will be a sign that he's just a casual guy who hoped for sex with her.

"He really wasn't looking for anything serious or looking to commit".

 

OP didn't specify "in the first place" so I wasn't gonna go assume that.

 

Some guys are willing to say anything if that means they can get some.

Edited September 11, 2015 by J21

[Gaeta]

doesn't know what he wants in the first place -- That's the problem, she didn't clarify whether he mean't that he's not ready to commit to her yet or if he isn't dating for a relationship overall.

 

The conversation should have gone to what each of their dating goals were. Of course he wouldn't know whether he wants to commit to her so soon, so that response makes sense in that context. He told he is willing to explore that possibility with her though. So at least he likes her enough to forgo sex and spend more time with her.

 

She needs to observe how he dates her now. Since she didn't give him sex, he may simply stop contacting her or slow it down, so that will be a sign that he's just a casual guy who hoped for sex with her.

 

Are you familiar with online dating?

 

 

I am not looking for anything serious or commitment but willing to explore that possibility is the same as = lets have sex till I get bored of you.

 

These types of answers from men are all over the net. It's a way to get in your pants and then say 'I didn't promise you a rose garden'.

[Redhead14]

"He really wasn't looking for anything serious or looking to commit".

 

OP didn't specify "in the first place" so I wasn't gonna go assume that.

 

Some guys are willing to say anything if that means they can get some.

 

That is why you need to observe how they date you even if they say they are looking for a relationship. They will say that because they know that's what most women want.

[Redhead14]

Are you familiar with online dating?

 

 

I am not looking for anything serious or commitment but willing to explore that possibility is the same as = lets have sex till I get bored of you.

 

These types of answers from men are all over the net. It's a way to get in your pants and then say 'I didn't promise you a rose garden'.

 

It is that way in "real" life dating. A guy can tell you he is looking for a relationship. Even when a woman hears that, she needs to observe how he dates her.

 

And, this whole conversation was handled wrong. The conversation should have been about over all dating goals. It would be too soon for him to know if he wants to commit to her. The timing was off. He would say that. It's logical response considering the timing.

 

She has nothing to lose if she's not going to sleep with him. If he continues to date her properly, go with the flow. If he doesn't, no big deal.

Edited September 11, 2015 by Redhead14

[Gaeta]

She has nothing to lose if she's not going to sleep with him. If he continues to date her properly, go with the flow. If he doesn't, no big deal.

 

What?? She has nothing to lose if she doesn't sleep with him??

 

You think the only valuable thing a woman has is between her legs?

 

What about her heart?

 

What about her time?

 

A man that says he really wasn't looking for anything serious or looking to commit, but he wouldn't rule it out if it did happen means exactly that. If OP wants a relationship this man is a waste of her time and feelings. There are plenty of men out there READY to date with a serious goal in mind.

[kendahke]

Hi All,

 

I met a guy online in July and we have been talking every single day since, we've been on 4 dates so far 5th one next week. Just because of our work schedules etc. Mostly mine as I work by rota, or yknow sometimes we've made plans with freinds etc.

 

We get on so well, we talk pretty much every day, and it's always so much fun

 

He went away on holiday with his friends and I hadn't messaged him at all, until like 2 days before the end of his holiday, just to say i hiope he's having fun and everything else, I made a joke to be like 'well i hope you've missed my pretty face' and he replied that he has missed me and that he hopes I also missed him too... it was a really sweet message.

 

So he messaged when he got back home, and we arranged to meet up after this weekend. But yesterday we were talking and it was a bit sexual. not in an extreme way just flirting, and it some how came to the point of a conversation that had the essence of 'where are we going' It was a conversation I NEVER wanted to have with him, but it was only because I said that I didn't want to have sex with anyone unless I was with them which he had pretty much knew from the beggining that i was abstaining.

 

He had a Chandler Bing moment, and he was a bit scared, but he said he really wasn't looking for anything serious or looking to commit, but he wouldn't rule it out if it did happen, and it kinda upset me, because his week away meant I was starting to miss him a lot more and seem more fond of him than i initially thought. so I was hoping lets see where it pans out. maybe it could go that way.

 

But then he said he really likes me and he loves talking with me and when we spend time together and would like to see where it goes. I had kinda gone radio silent on him because I didnt want to speak with emotions too much.

 

I just dont know what this means, he knows I wouldn't unless I was with someone, and he said he likes me, still wants to spend time with me and see where it goes, but why? Any ideas?

 

It's been 2 months with one week spent away, so roughly 7 weeks here.

 

I vote for just letting this play out a little longer so that both of you can figure out if you like the other enough to undertake the rigors of a relationship. There is no reason to rush into a relationship at this point.

[Gaeta]

It's been 2 months with one week spent away, so roughly 7 weeks here.

 

I vote for just letting this play out a little longer so that both of you can figure out if you like the other enough to undertake the rigors of a relationship. There is no reason to rush into a relationship at this point.

 

He already knows he doesn't want a relationship. His words, he REALLY is not looking for a relationship.

[kendahke]

He already knows he doesn't want a relationship. His words, he REALLY is not looking for a relationship.

 

which is why there is no rush to do anything.

[Gaeta]

which is why there is no rush to do anything.

 

Which is why she should discard him and move to next. He will be a waste of her time and feelings.

 

He said he really does not want a relationship so why would she hang around?

 

OH because he said maybe down the road he will be open to it? meh...that's men's way of keeping you hoping because men know when you'll get together, and the mood is right, the sex will be happening.

[Redhead14]

What?? She has nothing to lose if she doesn't sleep with him??

 

You think the only valuable thing a woman has is between her legs?

 

What about her heart?

 

What about her time?

 

A man that says he really wasn't looking for anything serious or looking to commit, but he wouldn't rule it out if it did happen means exactly that. If OP wants a relationship this man is a waste of her time and feelings. There are plenty of men out there READY to date with a serious goal in mind.

 

A woman should always be managing her emotions and expectations with every new dating scenario. She sits back and observes how he is dating her until it is clear to her that he is not meeting even her early dating needs.

 

She manages her time and her heart. She does not know for sure what this man wants yet. It was too early for him to answer the question of whether or not he wants to commit to HER. I think that there is confusion surrounding this. The only way to clear it up is to ask him straight out if he is looking for a relationship or not or to simply let him show her what his intentions are.

 

He accepted the fact that she didn't want to have sex yet. That's a good thing. Now, if he continues to date her properly and not push for sex, it will be a better indication of his intentions.

 

If this guy had said all this to her after she had sex with him, it would be another story.

[Gaeta]

A woman should always be managing her emotions and expectations with every new dating scenario. She sits back and observes how he is dating her until it is clear to her that he is not meeting even her early dating needs.

 

She manages her time and her heart. She does not know for sure what this man wants yet. It was too early for him to answer the question of whether or not he wants to commit to HER. I think that there is confusion surrounding this. The only way to clear it up is to ask him straight out if he is looking for a relationship or not or to simply let him show her what his intentions are.

 

He accepted the fact that she didn't want to have sex yet. That's a good thing. Now, if he continues to date her properly and not push for sex, it will be a better indication of his intentions.

 

If this guy had said all this to her after she had sex with him, it would be another story.

 

Are we reading the same thread?

 

 

* They were having a conversation in which he escalated to sex talk.

* She said she keeps sex for relationships

* He said he doesn't want a relationship or any kind of commitment

 

Why this talk about giving him time to figure it out? He - does - NOT - want - a - relationship - not with her - not with anyone.

 

The conversation you are talking about, they just had it.

 

Her: I am looking for a relationship

Him: I am not looking for a relationship She did NOT ask him if he wanted a relationship with HER. She just said she keeps sex for relationships and he hurried to reply he doesn't want one.

[J21]

doesn't know what he wants in the first place -- That's the problem, she didn't clarify whether he mean't that he's not ready to commit to her yet or if he isn't dating for a relationship overall.

 

The conversation should have gone to what each of their dating goals were. Of course he wouldn't know whether he wants to commit to her so soon, so that response makes sense in that context. He told he is willing to explore that possibility with her though. So at least he likes her enough to forgo sex and spend more time with her.

 

She needs to observe how he dates her now. Since she didn't give him sex, he may simply stop contacting her or slow it down, so that will be a sign that he's just a casual guy who hoped for sex with her.

 

"He really wasn't looking for anything serious or looking to commit".

 

OP didn't specify "in the first place" so I wasn't gonna go assume that.

 

Some guys are willing to say anything if that means they can get some.

 

That is why you need to observe how they date you even if they say they are looking for a relationship. They will say that because they know that's what most women want.

 

Look, first of all where are you even getting: "doesn't know what he wants in the first place"? He can VERY well know exactly what he wants as the OP states: "He really wasn't looking for anything serious or looking to commit". This is code speak for "looking to fool around or hook up with no strings attached."

 

You are assuming he would want a relationship based upon what he said above? I dunno about you, but he clearly states he does not one want. (looking to commit infers relationship, and he is not looking to commit).

 

So how are you going off the presumption that "he does not know yet"?

 

Let's just stick to the facts of what was said instead of playing mind reader or throw out wild speculations.

 

Maybe I'm too straight forward, but if I'm interested in having a relationship with someone, I would definitely not be saying "not looking for anything serious or looking to commit".

Edited September 11, 2015 by J21

[GemmaUK]

Er.. you don't know each other.

 

Dating is a day by day thing and just a few dates is no way enough to know whether it's going to be a serious thing or not.

 

You just play it by ear.

If what he has said means to you he isn't a potential bf then quit.

Me personally, and I am a woman, I would have said the same thing as he did this early on.

[travelbug1996]

but he said he really wasn't looking for anything serious or looking to commit,

 

Here is your answer. Please listen to what he is saying.

[soyou]

I agree with other posters here. From my experience, if a guy tells you that he's not ready to commit, YOU NEED TO BELIEVE HIM AND TAKE HIS WORDS ACCORDINGLY.

 

Often, he doesnt see you as his gf material or is really not ready for any relationship. Either way, you need to EXIT if a relationship is what you are looking for.

 

6 weeks should be long time enough for him to know whether he sees you in a different and special light.

 

If he were interested in you romantically and seriously, he could have responded to your "future question" something like "I really like you as a person. I enjoy being with you and would like to spend more time and get to know you better" instead of "I'm not ready to commit. Lets see how it goes"

 

 

Good luck and dont get yourself strung along for a long time. The longer you linger on, the more heart-broken you will be later!!

[Gaeta]

Er.. you don't know each other.

 

Dating is a day by day thing and just a few dates is no way enough to know whether it's going to be a serious thing or not.

 

You just play it by ear.

If what he has said means to you he isn't a potential bf then quit.

Me personally, and I am a woman, I would have said the same thing as he did this early on.

 

She doesn't need to know him. He told her he was not looking for a relationship or any commitment. Why would she then spend time getting to know him if it's not in concordance with what she wants?

 

She did not ask him if he wanted a relationship with her. She only mentioned she waits to be in a relationship for sex and he hurried to clarify that he's NOT looking for a relationship.

[lollypoppet]

Hi All!

 

Thank you all so much for your advice, actually early on to begin with it was something we had discussed, and whilst I have done the dating scene, I have become more open to seeing how things pan out with a guy.

 

This guy has been as single for as long as I have which is about 2 years. We did kind of talk about things, but he said the best thing to do would be to just see how it goes as he loves to spend time with me and talk with me etc.

 

We have only had 4 dates and our 5th one next week. The whole 'no sex' thing was something that was lightly mentioned a bit earlier, but now after that whole conversation its deffinitely come across more clear.

 

If a guy knows he's deffinitely not getting sex then why would he want to stay? I mean i'm very sure of my choice on this, it is a bigger deal to me now than when I was a bit younger and was up for that kind of fun. But he has only had the one gf, and never done the dating scene before...

 

I dont know. But when we were talking I was upfront and said something along the lines of y'know we dont have to carry on, because I dont want to be strung along by you or waste my time, and he said that he wouldn't want to or do anything to hurt me, and that he just wants to see how it goes and continue to see me, he said he 'wasn't desperate for a relationship or looking to commit but if it did happen he wouldn't rule it out' which i kinda took as...he was open to it if it was to go that way. we had spoken on the phone that evening it was normal, but towards the end it got a bit weird, he was just joking but i wasn't in the mood for his jokes, and he could tell I was upset, and the next morning he messaged to apologise and said he should have tried a it more to cheer me up. Then we carried on as normal and have still been talking since.

 

I dont know.

Edited September 12, 2015 by lollypoppet

[lollypoppet]

Anyone got any other suggestions? x

[Gaeta]

Anyone got any other suggestions? x

 

Yes a guy will still stick around even if you told him sex is off the table (when he's looking for sex). For a man no = maybe. Men know that even though you said no, one of these days soon, you may have a weak moment and let go. Of course he will say he's ok with no sex but it's just words, he said that to not lose face in front of you. My bet is from here (since sex has been put off the table) he'll give you a slow fade away.

 

There are 2 clans on here. Clan A is telling you to go with the flow, Clan B is telling you he'll be a waste of your time. I personally would not date a man that says he's not looking for a relationship but.....because I have a lot of experience with dating those 'BUT' and each and every time a man told me that 'BUT' he bailed soon after sex.

 

Go on your next date with him and see how he is. Take it one day at a time but I think you will have your answer very soon. I don't give this more than 2 weeks from here. Sorry.

[GemmaUK]

The reverse side (I am of the go with the flow btw) is I have never once had a guy bail on me after sex.

I wait to have sex until I feel an emotional bond and signs that he has one also - in fact his signs are more important than mine.

 

I have in the past chosen to have sex early but at that point I chose to have the sex and accepted it as my decision and - actually - I wasn't terribly interested in the guy when I chose to do that. He was OK for now but not someone I wanted to date nor saw potential for a relationship with.

The result was that I bailed.

 

I have a few rules I stick with always regarding OLD or IRL men I meet and due to that I've never yet got involved with one who was only after sex and who bailed on me.

 

If you are getting on well, having fun dates, go with it, enjoy it.

If you realise all you are getting is words and no actions that he values you then you don't have sex - unless you just want to of course - take your own responsibility.

[J21]

Just to play devil's advocate against OP's "no sex til I'm in a committed relationship" policy.

 

What's the stop a guy to say that you guys are committed, have sex, then break up?

 

If his ultimate goal was to just get in your pants, then he may just consider being in a committed relationship a hoop he has to leap through. After he gets some or gets bored, he can be like "oh no, it's not working out" wipe his hands and be like "I'm out". Of course on the flip side, he can be like "wow this relationship is great and I really like this girl. I think I want to spend the rest of my life with her".

 

Basically what I'm trying to say is, you can be as cautious as you can, but there is no guarantee. It comes down to knowing the type of person the guy really is, and what he was looking for at the specific given time.