spriggan2 Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 Hello, Been dating my GF for 5 months and it turned long distance about 2 months ago. Same timezone but we need air travel to see each other. We text or phone about every evening, visit one weekend a month and we're still sort of getting to know each other. I really like her and I've been convinced she really liked me...up until this weekend, when she came to see me for Labor Day. I think I got massive mixed signals. The negative 1) One morning when we were in bed we had an argument about something trivial where she got upset and I shrugged it off. Immediately afterward she turned to me and said, "long term I think I need to be with someone who cares about something." This came out of nowhere for me. We're both late 20's and she is a professional/corporate superstar while I'm still progressing into something stable work-wise. She's generally bothered that I'm only into my job for the money and not the love of the work, so I don't know if she was hinting at that, the fact that she has larger ambitions and doesn't think we have a serious future. 2) We were sitting in bed one evening. She was being playful with her camera phone taking pictures of us (nothing lewd), but then she stopped and said this, "I don't want to post these pictures because I want the next guy I date to think I'm a virgin." I was like wtf...next guy you date? I got a little upset and she said she was kidding. I get that it was a joke, but for a thought like that to pop into one's head, it sort of made me think maybe she's subconsciously moving past me and thinking we're not going to last. I didn't make a big deal about it though. I've been a bit of a pushover. 3) That same night we were about to have sex she was not turned on and we stopped. She is my first GF and first sexual partner, but she has had many partners and is quite experienced. We had an initial issue where I was having trouble staying erect with her, but I got past that. Then the issue was that I was also a little too big for her, but we worked with/around it. However that time she wasn't totally turned on, which was unusual, and she just fell asleep with the covers tightly over her, indicating to me (I think) that she didn't even want me to touch her or cuddle or anything. I thought maybe she just wasn't in the mood. It was our 3rd night doing it in a row, but she said it's never happened to her before and she's not sure what it meant. The positive 1) Even though she wasn't turned on that night, the next morning we talked a bit and we had sex. She didn't orgasm but she seemed super into it, and for the remainder of the day she continued to tell me how hot and how fit I was, which she does a lot, and she was pretty touchy-feely, holding my shoulder and laying on my lap, and it was our last day together and she was bummed to be leaving. 2) She's been thinking long term. She often asks me if I would move to be with her. She even looked for a job around where she lives now for me. She still wants me to come and see her next month, which I plan to do. 3) We met her brother over Labor Day. Her brother lives in my city and we went out for lunch and talked and it seemed like something she wouldn't do with just any boyfriend. So to me that was a sign of a deeper connection. Summary So now I dont know what to make of this and I don't know how to bring this up with her. I've been told that asking her flat out, "do you see me as long term relationship potential?" is too desperate. But that is what I want to know and its been driving me a bit crazy. Ive told her exactly how I feel about her, and I feel like she's secure in that, but I am completely lost about her feelings for me. I don't want to suffer through this long distance thing only for her to dump me when she's had enough. Long distance is just agony and I think it's only worth it if both of us think we have a future together. I could go on...but this is already quite long. Trying to expel my concerns. Thank you dearly to anyone who manages to read it.
SoftViolin Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 There do indeed seem to be some mixed signals here. Three months of dating before the relationship turns long-distance is not a lot; even established committed relationships suffer with distance between the partners. The negatives all happened in one weekend, so maybe she had a bad week and you caught her on the tail end of it. An alternative though, for what it's worth, may be that the distance is affording her the time to rethink (and overthink) your relationship, and she may indeed be moving towards detachment. Maybe it's your life goals, maybe the distance, maybe something else, or a combination of things. The three instances you describe in your negatives are unusual for a stable relationship to happen with no explanation. But then again, you said you didn't push for one. I was in a relationship once when I was the partner who was detaching, but I was afraid to hurt the other person and so I waited, and he didn't ask any questions. I waited way too long and a lot of hurt could have been avoided if I didn't wait, but a lot of hurt could also have been avoided if he asked the question he was afraid to ask, and I was afraid to answer. So do ask the question, OP, especially if that's on your mind all the time. Do have the conversation you are afraid of - you will come out of it stronger on the other end, hopefully together with her, but even if not - it is worth asking for what you need and know you deserve.
Author spriggan2 Posted September 11, 2015 Author Posted September 11, 2015 (edited) Thank you for responding. I have been considering asking her if she she sees me as long term relationship potential. Over the weekend though we already had two serious conversations about our relationship, and we did part on a positive note. So I might have missed my window. If she is actually happy with the way things are going, I'm worried that bringing up more insecurities might just seem like a hassle and she might start to think "do I have to deal with this all the time with this guy?" So I don't want to worsen things. Right now I'm resolving to wait until next month when we meet up again and we can assess where we are at. It's tough however because she's been slightly cold with me over texts. The first night she went back she texted me saying she already misses me so much. Since then though she's been responding to my "how are you" texts with essentially one word answers, and she isn't returning the question like she typically does. But I know she's ridiculously busy, so I don't nag. Edited September 11, 2015 by spriggan2
SoftViolin Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 I hear you on not wanting to bring this up out of the blue. It is best if a conversation like this naturally flows. And definitely, it isn't a phone/email conversation. You seem to be a very thoughtful and considerate person though. So do what you must, but make sure you remember that the relationship is a two-way street, and that you are not forgetting about your needs in this partnership. On another note - perhaps you should consider moving your exchanges more towards phone communication and away from texts? You said you do talk on the phone already, but may be increasing frequency might help - video chat, or something similar. Texts are good through the day when you know you will see a person before too long; over long distance hearing a voice might be better. 1
PogoStick Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 Yeah texting everyday makes it routine which could become boring and tedious. I think your communication would be more meaningful if you keep it to maybe twice a week. See if she'd like to skype 1 day a week with you. Don't over-do that either. Make it 10 minutes. Catch up on what happened that week. Say you love seeing her face. And Gnight.
coryreply Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 I think my reaction to the events and conversation over the weekend would be very similar to yours. It seems like some mixed signals to me. The question I would be asking is, what is the motive behind them? I would encourage you to just keep having open and honest dialogue about what's up.
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