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Girlfriend broke up with me after 6 months...after going MIA for 8 days

Hrtbroken316

By Hrtbroken316
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Hrtbroken316 Member

Hrtbroken316

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My situation has left me confuse, distraught and traumatized.

 

Just to give a little background, I have known this girl in some capacity since i was 16 years old. I am 28 now. She is my best friends cousin. I have had a crush on her in some form for many years now and used to day dream about the possibility of both physical and emotional intimacy ( she is a very attractive woman). Being that she was 24, and came from a very cultured (Armenian) family that typically has control over their daughters, and also being my friends cousin, I was hesitant at first to date her. It soon became a reality and we started dating. Before you knew it, 5 months had passed and we had become a couple and I very much had developed serious feelings for her.

 

3 weeks ago, she became a little distant. I didn't really hear from her all weekend but she did let me know that she wasn't feeling well. I knew she was sick and at home so I let it go. Some time later, she messaged me and let me know that she was distant because she was concerned that I was cheating on her with my coworker and that I was "faking" the relationship and how i felt for her. I was blown away by this, and after we spoke about it more extensively, I let her know that there was no reason to be suspicious and that my feelings were genuine. We squashed it, i thought we had a breakthrough conversation. And that was that.

 

Meanwhile, we had some arguments back and forth about her parents and being limited in her time interaction with me. Often, I would have to take her home early, or she was able to only stay one night with me because she had to answer the family values and culture. At first, I pushed this issue and I felt strongly that I needed to see her more and become closer to her. After a while, I realized I might be in the wrong, as I myself come from a cultured background. I apologized for pushing her and being inconsiderate of her family, she apologized as well and said she would do her best to push the issue with her family.

 

Last week, she went to Europe with her family. Everything was perfect for the first week. She messaged me, sent me pictures, told me how amazing it was and how she misses me. The last thing I told her was that I had made reservations for Labor Day for sunday night and that we would be heading out of town. This is something we had discussed briefly with each other. I never heard from her again. She "ghosted" on me for 8 straight days without a word. I went crazy for those 8 days and basically was traumatized, wondering where i went wrong and why she wasn't answering me.

 

She finally came back from Europe and sent me this in a text message:

 

Hey...I really don't know what made you think it's okay to go to my house and speak to my mom after you had said you were going to give me space....on top of that you have gotten so many people involved it's a little ridiculous...it's one thing to involve a close friend or 2... But to involve my parents?! Like that's very extreme...

I started not responding to you in Europe because I felt like you were being fake..I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like nothing you were saying is genuine, and you were trying so hard to make it seem like it is. Ive tried so hard for a while to ignore these thoughts and try to be normal with you, but they haven't gone away and it's difficult for me to be myself around someone who I feel like is being fake towards me. And the reason I didn't want to give up and kept trying is because I did feel like what we had at one point was so pure and special, I didn't want to let go of it so easily. But I know that I wouldn't feel these things for no reason. I needed time and space to absorb all that and try to figure out why you would do that to me instead of just being honest. I'm not a fake person and I can't deal with someone being like that towards me. I know your feelings for me aren't what you say they are, and I can sense that they haven't been for a while. And I know that there is someone else involved. Everything you have done and have said to Peter and everyone else has been to just cover that up and make you seem like the "good guy" in all this. Because you are basically a part of the family, I can see why it would make sense to you in your head to do that. But Ali I'm not dumb, and it truly sucks that you would try to mess with my head like this and play these games. You don't do that to someone you "love and deeply care for." You're going to continue to make me seem like the crazy person and show this to 18482882 people I'm sure, but at the end of the day I know you know in your heart that I'm right. The reason I've been hesitant to talk to you about this right away is because I know you're just going to continue to deny everything like you have done before..it's almost like there is no point to even bring it up because you already have your story set and will never admit to the truth. And just so you know, this was never an excuse for me to try to break up with you. I would never in a million years act this way towards someone unless I had a reason to.. And I would never in a million years enter a relationship unless I was sure of my feelings for someone. In fact, it has never been my family's preference for me to date a non-Armenian/non-Christian, but I took that risk for you and was willing to do anything to fight for it if I had to because I truly thought it was worth it. I just want you to know that as well.

 

MY RESPONSE

 

I'm so disappointed this is the way it went down. I'm sorry that all these insecurities lead you to such extreme conclusions based on pure speculation. They are all wrong and I'm just shocked this is how you would deal with it. I promised you last time in our deep and (what I thought was a breakthrough conversation) that I would be willing to work through those doubts and insecurities together. Nobody is perfect, and I saw you and I as an opportunity to grow together. I saw you as someone I could potentially be with and grow with. I'm extremely saddened that you felt the need to blatantly ignore me because you "suspect" that I'm cheating on you. 8 days of no contact would drive anyone crazy and is just really cold. It makes me sick to my stomach that this is how you've dealt with us but what can I do?

 

You seem like you've convinced yourself of something that has no merit. I've given you no indication I've been with someone else, and in fact I've been so open with my dynamic with members of the opposite sex. You took a few gestures of openness from me about my relationships with the opposite sex, and used it to make up some story to lead to the inevitable, us breaking up. I think you are scared and have a self destructive personality, and it's showing right now in our relationship.

 

I think this is more about just me being "fake" and you thinking I'm cheating. I'm definitely not fake, and ask anyone that's ever close to me. I'm a pretty genuine person with no malicious intent. I would never act or say something just to portray an image, if that's what you meant. You seem so insecure and paranoid about this stuff, that me being super nice to you and cute is "fake". Newsflash, I'm not one of your crazy, cold, psycho ex bfs. I'm genuine, authentic, kind and REAL, and that seems to be unbelievable to you. Take a hint from someone older and more experienced, not everyone is an *******, and when a guy is kind, and makes genuine effort, that means he's real and he actually ****ing likes you.

 

I think that if anything, you felt that something was off in the relationship and maybe you didn't feel the same way I felt about you. Seems like you lost some interest so maybe it didn't feel real to you, but it felt so so real to me. Also I'm a 28 year old man and if I'm over something, I wouldn't resort to the measures of being "fake" or forcing the relationship. I have better ways to utilize my time and thoughts.

 

As for the Armenian thing, everyone has differences. Everyone has their own beliefs. Couldn't you have just said that? You sware that my family isn't concerned about race/culture as well. I thought we were going through that together. We were supposed to be a team.

 

I'm so sorry that you don't value what we have. I thought we had something so special and I'm not sure where you are at psychologically for you to make false and extreme connections like this and basically tear apart an amazing thing. You've been the best thing to enter my life in so long, and I held you dear to my heart in a way I haven't done with anyone.

 

I'm not trying to convince anyone of being "good" guy. I don't give a **** about public perception or being the bad guy either. I would hope that we all strive to take accountability for our actions. These things you are describing, though, Ive definitely been through....in High School.

 

All I cared about before I got friends even involved was you. All I wanted was to hear from you. And you ignored my desperate , heartfelt pleas to communicate. I think my reaching out to you and losing my mind and showing how much I'm willing to do is enough proof of how I feel, and how real I actually ****ing am.

 

I think a part of you wants me to admit to something so it makes it easier for you to up move on. Maybe you've been ****ed over in the past, maybe you are scared of a good thing. We could have been a really beautiful thing, cuz I think you are a beautiful person and I told Peter and Rita that. The only thing that ever held back our relationship from growing was you. You seem to almost anticipate someone cheating on you instead of just trusting and living in the moment like you say you do. You are obviously not who I thought you were, and I am truly disappointed in your actions and thought process. I also don't appreciate that you chose to hide behind your phone. I understand that these things are sensitive and difficult to talk about, but I didn't realize you weren't mature enough to handle a REAL conversation in person. Refusing to call or talk to me about this in person is so strange. And trying to chase you down and finding you was my final attempt at showing you I care, and showing you I love you. People who care , they try, they fall in love, and they go crazy when they are abandoned by the person they care about.

 

Now that we seem to have run our course, I just want to say that I only wish you the best.

You were a big part of my life, and for the last 6 months, only you've been in my thoughts and in my heart. This is really painful I'm sure for both of us, and I ultimately hope there are no hard feelings.

 

 

HER RESPONSE

 

Now that we seem to have run our course, I just want to say that I only wish you the best.

You were a big part of my life, and for the last 6 months, only you've been in my thoughts and in my heart. This is really painful I'm sure for both of us, and I ultimately hope there are no hard feelings.

I don't doubt for a second that you did genuinely like me and deeply care for me at one point. I felt it and I felt the same... And I'm so thankful for those times and moments because they showed me a lot... You showed me a lot. I really did see a future with you and I saw you as being different from the rest. All I asked for was honesty when things started to change due to outside factors..and I didn't get that from you like you had promised you would give me. This has nothing to do with insecurity, we both know it's true. That's what caused me to be different and cold towards you and you're right, definitely not myself. You have your side of the story and I have mine. People can believe what they want, but at the end of the day you and I are the ones who were in this and know the real truth.

I still respect you and wish you nothing but the best as well

 

 

 

I am so hurt and confused by this. What do I tell myself after all this? She not only failed to communicate with me, but she left me for dead. Did she even like me? Is this because of family? What are your impressions from the messages. I want to thank you to anyone in advance who had the patience to read through this. Thank you very much for your help

mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

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My impression is that maybe she's accusing you of some things that she did with a nice Christian Armenian boy.

 

Maybe she's the psycho ex, not all of her ex BF's.

 

I just get a bad vibe from her high belief, low specificity accusations. I say you got lucky.

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goldway90 Established Member

goldway90

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she went to Europe with her family, was busy having fun since that's the point and you go full needy mode! dude even if you didn't cheat you're very very needy. Oh and those emails!cringe.

 

Honestly it's time to work on yourself man, move on it's over.

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Hrtbroken316 Member

Hrtbroken316

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I dont think you read the whole thing. I wasn't needy. My gf randomly stopped speaking to me for no reason. Anyone would go crazy.

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Hrtbroken316 Member

Hrtbroken316

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Please, if more are willing, I would like to get more insight to this. I am ready to do NC for good but just need an explanation other than what she has given me.

Oregon_Dude Established Member

Oregon_Dude

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I am ready to do NC for good but just need an explanation other than what she has given me.
Well, you're not going to get any answers from us. You have her explanation - which is probably bullsh*t. Any answers as to why we're dumped don't matter. All that matters is that you accept it and don't hate yourself. Almost everyone has been dumped before. It's painful, but it's also amusing if you look at it from the right angle.

 

Try not to take yourself so seriously.

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Hrtbroken316 Member

Hrtbroken316

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Thank you for your honest response. Do I need to prepare myself for her potentially coming back to me, and me having to say no? This question is half hope driven and half an actual concern.

Oregon_Dude Established Member

Oregon_Dude

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Thank you for your honest response. Do I need to prepare myself for her potentially coming back to me, and me having to say no? This question is half hope driven and half an actual concern.
No. She is not going to come back to you. She doesn't want this r/s anymore. All that you can do is go no contact, and work on rebuilding your self-confidence after such a painful thing has happened.

 

Give it time. Be patient with yourself. Do NOT contact her ever again. This r/s is over. It's shocking right now, but in a few weeks, you'll understand its finality.

 

If she texts you, calls, etc. do NOT answer or respond.

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Hrtbroken316 Member

Hrtbroken316

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No. She is not going to come back to you. She doesn't want this r/s anymore. All that you can do is go no contact, and work on rebuilding your self-confidence after such a painful thing has happened.

 

Give it time. Be patient with yourself. Do NOT contact her ever again. This r/s is over. It's shocking right now, but in a few weeks, you'll understand its finality.

 

If she texts you, calls, etc. do NOT answer or respond.

Thanks again. Final question before I take everything you said and let it sink in. How do I withhold from the heart that I wear on my sleeve? What I mean is, if she does text/call or want me back, how do I stay in tune with the fact that she truly doesn't want the relationship? How do I take yours or my friends word for it, when I'm a true believer in love. Don't people make mistakes and change their mind? If the time comes, what can I do, and more importantly WHY should I be so dismissive of the potential?

Oregon_Dude Established Member

Oregon_Dude

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Re-read everything she wrote to you in response. Dude, she DOES NOT WANT to be in a r/s with you. I'm 100% sure of this. You can't see it b/c you're still in denial.

 

In her mind, she has not made a mistake. You have to let her go. This r/s is completely, unequivocally done. I promise you.

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Hrtbroken316 Member

Hrtbroken316

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Re-read everything she wrote to you in response. Dude, she DOES NOT WANT to be in a r/s with you. I'm 100% sure of this. You can't see it b/c you're still in denial.

 

In her mind, she has not made a mistake. You have to let her go. This r/s is completely, unequivocally done. I promise you.

I am in disbelief. I guess it's hard to understand considering our childhood past, the people involved, how passionate we were and how abrupt it came to an end. This is my first time dealing with what seemed like a potential fairy tale, and then all of a sudden come to a hault and being blindsided. It's agonizing only because her day to day actions and the sexual intimacy we had was so powerful. I guess my main running thought is, how can she be over this? What part of the grieving process am I in?

EO422 Established Member

EO422

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All I can say is WOW....someone is delusional here. Not to be rude. I kind of think it is her. BUT...I don't think she is crazy..I think what she is doing is looking for an OUT...

 

Whoever reads that is going to think she is PSYCHO...but I don't know her..and I do t think she is psycho...I think what is going on is she sees an out and is taking it full force! Like "I can just say he cheated and I don't trust him, I will stick with this story"...but then again idk...if I was you I would be out in a freaking HEART BEAT.

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Hrtbroken316 Member

Hrtbroken316

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All I can say is WOW....someone is delusional here. Not to be rude. I kind of think it is her. BUT...I don't think she is crazy..I think what she is doing is looking for an OUT...

 

Whoever reads that is going to think she is PSYCHO...but I don't know her..and I do t think she is psycho...I think what is going on is she sees an out and is taking it full force! Like "I can just say he cheated and I don't trust him, I will stick with this story"...but then again idk...if I was you I would be out in a freaking HEART BEAT.

My friends all have their own theories, but I tend to come back to yours. What I will never understand and will haunt me for some time is how she disappeared, and how she wants out and I don't. I guess knowing that someone else doesn't want you when you want them so badly is very difficult to comprehend, especially after our relationship seemed like a fairy tale. Part of me knows deep down she isn't right for me, but part of me just wants to take care of her and love her. I know that most on this forum will just say to move on and NC, which I'm actually really good at doing. But having some more clarity on WHY she left would help immensely in the process. I expected maturity from someone who isn't mature and now I'm looking for answers, both within her and within myself. Can anyone elaborate further? I believe this is a time of discussion and support not dismissive of problems. It's easy to refer someone to a heart break article. But I am 28, I already know the inevitable and that she has moved on. I just need some clarity /closure to learn for the future and to help with the heartache. Any further input would be appreciated

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Hrtbroken316 Member

Hrtbroken316

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I'm sorry for what you're going through. I don't have anything else to say really, except go here and read up:

 

Breakup Recovery Guide

I wanted to thank you for this link. I've completely initiated NC. I have deleted her off all my social media and all avenues of contact. It made me feel a little bit better knowing that I've started the healing process. I'm starting to understand that the reason she has left is not important, and the pain I'm feeling is a mixture of rejection and actually missing her. The confusion has traumatized me, and I've been telling myself that I will be a better man for my next woman. Is it normal for me to already fantasize about my future love and making them feel even more loved and appreciated? Besides the steps in the guide, what are some things I can say to myself in moments of extreme sadness/crying? Are there keywords or self-talk I can say? The guide is magnificent in the process, but does not specify any self-talk. What do I tell myself when the visions of comfort and her and I together are there?

Oregon_Dude Established Member

Oregon_Dude

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Is it normal for me to already fantasize about my future love and making them feel even more loved and appreciated? Besides the steps in the guide, what are some things I can say to myself in moments of extreme sadness/crying? Are there keywords or self-talk I can say?
You're welcome.

 

I don't know if it's normal, but it's unhealthy for you to 'fantasize' about your next love. Your focus is all wrong. You're still concerned with future women and relationships, when you should be thinking about YOU. Specifically, what is it about you that puts women before your own mental health and wellbeing? I think you are a classic codependent who doesn't value yourself enough. You are erroneously thinking that your r/s failed because YOU didn't show enough love and appreciation. Ironically, it may be that part of the reason - PART - for this r/s's failure is your over-concern with her. No one likes a clinger or a smotherer. You need to CHILL out and just focus on enjoying things by yourself.

 

During extreme sadness, you can say, "I love myself, and I am fine just as I am now. Feelings are temporary. I'm gonna be just fine."

 

Relax, my friend. I really think you need to see a therapist to address your codependent tendencies.

mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

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  1. the pain I'm feeling is a mixture of rejection and actually missing her.
  2. The confusion has traumatized me, and I've been telling myself that I will be a better man for my next woman. Is it normal for me to already fantasize about my future love and making them feel even more loved and appreciated?
  3. Besides the steps in the guide, what are some things I can say to myself in moments of extreme sadness/crying? Are there keywords or self-talk I can say? The guide is magnificent in the process, but does not specify any self-talk. What do I tell myself when the visions of comfort and her and I together are there?

 

 

1) That's very insightful. Most people think of this emotional pain as love expressing itself. I don't think it is. I think it is desire of the heart, mixed with the rational realization that the desire will never be fulfilled. In short, it is an extreme bout of disappointment expressing itself.

 

2) I think that this could be a mix of good and bad. Good on you for realizing that you weren't perfect. Good on you for identifying parts of your persona that need work. However, fantasizing.... maybe that is technically the right word, but I hope you mean that you simply envision yourself doing things differently in the future, keeping the focus on you, rather than some unknown relationship. I used to reimagine history, where I acted differently at points I knew I'd erred, and I "fantasized" about the alternative outcome. It was an exercise in learning how to act right with women, and I think that's ok. But if it goes farther than that, then I think you might be overreacting.

 

3) I think what you say depends on what you're crying about. Is it how she left you? Is it how you're not together any more? Is it the things she said, or didn't say? Is it because she's tormenting you? I think basically, you have to identify the cause and react to that rationally. If it is because she accused you without evidence and would not relent, then think about how you might react to someone who you don't care for if they did the same? Say those things to yourself. Change her position in your mind from one of elevated status to someone who you don't like so much. Say those things in your mind. At first, it will feel like you're lying to yourself, but soon enough, if you're fair-minded about the criticism you heap upon her, you'll begin to see that this girl is just one more schmoe in the world, nothing special.

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Hrtbroken316 Member

Hrtbroken316

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1) That's very insightful. Most people think of this emotional pain as love expressing itself. I don't think it is. I think it is desire of the heart, mixed with the rational realization that the desire will never be fulfilled. In short, it is an extreme bout of disappointment expressing itself.

 

2) I think that this could be a mix of good and bad. Good on you for realizing that you weren't perfect. Good on you for identifying parts of your persona that need work. However, fantasizing.... maybe that is technically the right word, but I hope you mean that you simply envision yourself doing things differently in the future, keeping the focus on you, rather than some unknown relationship. I used to reimagine history, where I acted differently at points I knew I'd erred, and I "fantasized" about the alternative outcome. It was an exercise in learning how to act right with women, and I think that's ok. But if it goes farther than that, then I think you might be overreacting.

 

3) I think what you say depends on what you're crying about. Is it how she left you? Is it how you're not together any more? Is it the things she said, or didn't say? Is it because she's tormenting you? I think basically, you have to identify the cause and react to that rationally. If it is because she accused you without evidence and would not relent, then think about how you might react to someone who you don't care for if they did the same? Say those things to yourself. Change her position in your mind from one of elevated status to someone who you don't like so much. Say those things in your mind. At first, it will feel like you're lying to yourself, but soon enough, if you're fair-minded about the criticism you heap upon her, you'll begin to see that this girl is just one more schmoe in the world, nothing special.

Thank you for the insight. My friend and I have come to the conclusion that I have an issue with manipulating my own thoughts about a given situation in order to feed my insecurity. For example, she is generally known as socially awkward and saying strange things. I would dismiss these red flags in order to justify the relationship and establish a sense of self control and continue to allow her to fill the voids that I feel are necessary. In other words, when she left me, I feel a severe lack of control, and betrayal . Betrayal because I am now left to fiend for myself and feed my own insecurities. Most of my pain and sadness come from memories of sexual intimacy, holding her hand feeling proud amongst the public, and her telling me how "manly" I am and how strong and good I look in addition to how intelligent I am. Essentially all the things I miss are her affirmations, and I can not understand or comprehend how she can believe those things and just leave me the way she did. I feel that what she was saying was just another illusion and that my self worth is non existent because she gave me my worth for 6 months. I am now understanding that she wasn't right for me, but the affection and feeling of confidence I had with her was one I have not experienced before. Please, if you care to walk me through the psychology , I would deeply appreciate it. Contrary to what most think, I believe it is an important part of healing. Or maybe I'm just bull****ting myself ?

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Hrtbroken316 Member

Hrtbroken316

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So its been almost a week of NC. I have blocked her off all social media and have had absolutely no contact, with the occasional lack of willpower and looking at her instagram to try and tell myself that she is mourning and grieving like I am. Yes I know thats probably not the case, and it shouldn't even matter. I've had more clarity on the situation and absolutely know we could never have had a successful relationship. The hardest part about this was the actual rejection, her going MIA, and having a tough time swallowing that she may not have actually had the feelings for me that she had portrayed all along. It has taken a huge blow to my ego, and the more I think about it, the more I realize that my pain is a mixture of missing her and thinking I'm not good enough and not wanted. It's so tough to come to terms that love isn't about complete indulgence and being dependent on someone else. I'm a hopeless romantic and associate my gf/love to be someone to support me no matter what. Now I'm reading about what it takes to be in a loving relationship, and its extremely painful knowing that I can't quite expose my insecurities to my future love. I thought that the point of having a relationship and falling in love/ having a wife was to allow that person to make you feel secure and comforted. I'm so confused. I thought I had relationships somewhat figured out and thought that she would be the image of that.

Itspointless Established Member

Itspointless

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I did not really understand this part:

The last thing I told her was that I had made reservations for Labor Day for sunday night and that we would be heading out of town. This is something we had discussed briefly with each other. [...] Hey...I really don't know what made you think it's okay to go to my house and speak to my mom after you had said you were going to give me space....on top of that you have gotten so many people involved it's a little ridiculous...it's one thing to involve a close friend or 2... But to involve my parents?! Like that's very extreme...

I am sorry for you, the silent treatment and being abandoned hurt like hell.

 

The link has changed I got avoidant and anxious (codependent) vibes reading your story. Search for a test on the internet.

 

You might want to read about adult attachment theory. I can recommend you books if you want.

Edited by Itspointless
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