How to tell what a guy wants from first date/early contact?

[SweetLikeCinnamon]

So I've gone on a date with a guy (and am going on another one tomorrow) but am really struggling to figure out if he wants something casual or is open to it leading to something more. I know I'll find out soon enough but just wondering if there are any clues here to that point to one thing or another

 

(I'm nearly 24, he's nearly 29)

 

So I 'met' this guy at the place he works a few months ago (and found him attractive) and had seen him around town a couple of times. I kind of forgot about him but to my surprise he added me on Facebook about 10 days ago and told me I came up in his 'suggested friends' and he remembered me and I seemed nice etc. We talk for a few days via Facebook messages, he asks me general questions about what I study, how old I am/my starsign, checks up on how my days have been going etc. He isn't very active on FB but liked when I changed my profile picture and liked a few of my statuses about the exams I was having going well. After a few days he suggest to meet up for a tea.

 

On the day of the date we meet in the town square 'as the clocks strike 12' (per his request). When he greets me he lightly put his hand on my side to usher me but that was the only intimate 'touch' of the day. He takes me to this coffee place. We get given table 13 and he gets worried and says he's superstitious. Then once we sit down one of the first things he asks is ask if I was nervous about today and that he was nervous - then asks if I'm on Tinder and tells he met up with someone off Tinder a couple of weeks ago. I saw this as a red flag (to bring this up so early) but then he goes on to say said he wasn't nervous at all for the tinder person but was nervous for 'this', so he brought it up as it connected to the being nervous thing (which makes sense considering him getting worried about table 13.

 

The date went quite well, he asked fairly serious questions like where I see myself in 5 years, about my studying and about my work, about my relationship with my family, about an illness I had a year ago etc. We talked about stuff like our childhood, school life, phobias, reoccouring dreams, scars we had, pets and, general stuff like hobbies etc (we turned out to share some interests). He has a son too and talked about him and how it was hard when he found out he was going to be a father at as young age etc and went into deeper stuff. But also brought him up in general convo.

 

The date lasted a couple of hours as I had to get a train back to my home town afterwards. After the coffee place he walked around town a bit then sat in a 'fake' garden whilst waiting for it to be time for my train and talked more.

 

He hugged me goodbye at the station and seemed keen to meet again. After I got on the train he texted me within about 10 minutes saying he had a lovely time and he I was very pretty (with a hiding face emoji). I said I had a good time and he replied saying he was glad I did too and asked 'again soon?' (meeting again was was kind of up to me since he knows I'm out of town for a while until I come back for house viewings).

 

After the date he has seemed to have gotten keener. Now he always texts me with 'hello lovely' and texts most days asking about my day, but also updating me randomly with my life - like how work is going/if he's finding it hard to get stuck into the day/that he did well in his sports club and is is happy etc. He double texts sometimes if he doesn't hear from me. He's started commenting on my statuses even though he's not active on Fb at all. The other day he responded to one of my texts saying he went to the same coffee place we went to and was thinking how nice it was to have my company and that I should come back to town soon. His texts are very friendly and excitable.

 

As he knows I'm looking at places he offered to help decorate for me when I find my place - I feel like this could go either way; he could just want to get into my house, but then it shows foresight as he knows I won't move for a couple of weeks at least.

 

 

Yesterday I text him that I'll be back in town on Friday. He asks me if I wanted to go play mini-golf. I took this as a good sign as dates like this aren't very common in the UK - normally it's just going out drinking and seeing if anything develops from that, as we don't have much of a dating culture here. I tell him that I'll have to leave at 9.30pm for my train, to give him an idea of times. He responded by saying that if I want we can 'make a night of it' and go out drinking and he also 'has a futon' I can use if need be. This now has left me confused about his motives. I mean, he said it in a fun way like we should have a fun night out, but still. There isn't necessary anything wrong if he's hoping to get lucky but I'm just confused about his intentions and am not sure what to expect.

 

Again I know I really just have to wait to find out, but just wondering how others (especially guys) would interpret this all?

 

Thanks

Edited September 10, 2015 by SweetLikeCinnamon

[clam]

Sounds a bit fishy to me.

 

1. How you "mysteriously" popped up on his Facebook (do you have friends in common that would allow for this?)

 

2. He mentions he is on Tinder and dating Tinder chicks

 

3. He conveniently has a futon you can sleep on

 

Proceed with caution...

[Ami1uwant]

He is interested in you....

 

He is planning some sort of activity based date which can spur conversation since it seems you have done a good chunk of the get to know you talk.

[SweetLikeCinnamon]

Sounds a bit fishy to me.

 

1. How you "mysteriously" popped up on his Facebook (do you have friends in common that would allow for this?)

 

2. He mentions he is on Tinder and dating Tinder chicks

 

3. He conveniently has a futon you can sleep on

 

Proceed with caution...

 

Well, regarding the Facebook add - we don't have mutual friends but around March we attended the same clubnight and afterwards I liked a picture he was in from the club's page, so I'm guessing he added me from that (Looking back it seems he was seeing someone back then so I imagine that why he didn't add me then)

 

The Tinder date was from before we met, and he said he didn't have a good time and I understand the context of why he brought it up - so I am on the fence about whether I should be worried about that or not

[BlueBlood]

Before he brought up that futon and making a night of it, had sleeping with him/at his home crossed your mind yet?

[SweetLikeCinnamon]

BlueBlood - How do you mean exactly? Do you mean if I want that

 

I just had a look at our last messages and he could have misinterpreted what said. I told him that I have to get the last train at 9.30pm and we can meet later if he wants. So he could think I was suggested that I wanted to stay out later despite the time of my last train (I actually meant we can meet later than 4pm which is what we planned, because we have time)

[Jj66]

He seems a lot like I was when I was his age.

 

I take the futon comment to mean it would be ok with him for you to stay at his place even if you don't want to sleep with him in his bed yet. He's attracted to you and of course he would prefer you sleep in his bed with him, but offering you the guest bed gives him cover for suggesting you stay the night without coming out and telling you he wants to sleep with you.

 

If you go back to his place expect him to come onto you. You need to decide beforehand what your limits are and where you are sleeping and stick to it.

[Ruby Slippers]

Why can't he come to your area?

 

If it's because you're going to be in his area on the weekend, anyway, and that day is more convenient for a date, OK. But do not spend the night at his place so fast, unless you want to have sex with him. Going to a man's place with him gives a strong message that you are probably interested in having sex with him. Keep the dates public for now, and you'll soon discover his true intentions.

 

It's too early to tell about his intentions at this point. He hasn't done anything super obvious to indicate one way or the other. Maybe he really likes you, or maybe he's laying it on thick to get sex quickly. You won't know if he's genuine until you get to know him better.

[BlueBlood]

BlueBlood - How do you mean exactly? Do you mean if I want that

 

I just had a look at our last messages and he could have misinterpreted what said. I told him that I have to get the last train at 9.30pm and we can meet later if he wants. So he could think I was suggested that I wanted to stay out later despite the time of my last train (I actually meant we can meet later than 4pm which is what we planned, because we have time)

 

I was curious as to where you were with the idea of sleepin with him. I wasn't picking up mad sexual vibes in the way you described him, more you seemed to find him to be interesting but you weren't at all carnal in your words/descriptions. (Not judging, just it jumped out to me that his invite seemed a little fast and jumping the gun compared to the way I was reading your interest in him?)

 

That's all.

 

It just didn't strike me as a relationship on the brink of intimacy. Maybe I'm misreading. Goodness knows I've misread before!

[SweetLikeCinnamon]

Ruby - We actually both live in the same town but I happen to be back in my home town currently until I find another a find a new place to live in the town we both live in. Basically I told him that I can see him when I come for property viewings, as otherwise it'd be 2/3 weeks until I'm properly back

 

Also guys, I've already responded to him by telling him that I've bought my train ticket already so will be leaving in the evening, which he was fine with. Definitely wasn't going to stay at his anyway

 

Bluebood - I am attracted to him but I'm just not interested in a casual relationship with him. So basically my worry is if he's only looking for something casual since he's suggesting that I could stay at his!

[Jj66]

You can't know anything except that he is attracted to you from that invitation.

 

Your description of his other behaviors make me think it's more likely than not that he is relationship-minded but you can really never know. Even if you ask, he could always lie. You just have to do what feels right to you.

[Ruby Slippers]

So basically my worry is if he's only looking for something casual since he's suggesting that I could stay at his!

I don't think this reveals a clear intention for something casual. Since you have a night-time train ride to get home, it's polite and considerate for him to offer either to drive you home, or let you stay at his place on a bed/futon/couch other than where he's sleeping. A good guy would consider that it could be risky for a woman to travel by train alone at night, and would offer workable alternatives. It doesn't tell you his intentions either way, but it doesn't reveal nefarious intentions.

 

But I think you're totally doing the right thing by leaving in the evening, rather than spending the night. It's too soon for that.

[Qboro90]

Anyone else see the things this guy is saying and doing overly clingy and needy after only going on 1 date with her? Granted I'll also say that the Op seems to over analyze and read into things that "could, maybe, might mean this or want this" when in fact there's noting deeper to most of the instances you listed.

 

However, the activity he's doing on Facebook is a bit strange. Mostly because you said he's not an active FB person. So I see that as him marking his territory and trying to expedite the relationship/emotions by publicly commenting on your updates or pics. That's something a girl does in high school and college. This guys 29 and a dad.

 

And also the doubt texts. That's an insecurity reaction and method for him to basically say "helllooooo!! Answer me!! I know you're there". He's just using the excuse "shoot sorry my phone sent that message twice, I dunno why it does that sometimes". There's no way you wan prove or disprove that so if I were you I would just one time see what happens if you don't reply to his multiple messages. If he says anything about it or sends multiple texts and calls then it's pretty clear that this guy has some boundary and dating etiquette tendencies which you might not wanna deal with full time in a BF.

[SweetLikeCinnamon]

Anyone else see the things this guy is saying and doing overly clingy and needy after only going on 1 date with her? Granted I'll also say that the Op seems to over analyze and read into things that "could, maybe, might mean this or want this" when in fact there's noting deeper to most of the instances you listed.

 

However, the activity he's doing on Facebook is a bit strange. Mostly because you said he's not an active FB person. So I see that as him marking his territory and trying to expedite the relationship/emotions by publicly commenting on your updates or pics. That's something a girl does in high school and college. This guys 29 and a dad.

 

And also the doubt texts. That's an insecurity reaction and method for him to basically say "helllooooo!! Answer me!! I know you're there". He's just using the excuse "shoot sorry my phone sent that message twice, I dunno why it does that sometimes". There's no way you wan prove or disprove that so if I were you I would just one time see what happens if you don't reply to his multiple messages. If he says anything about it or sends multiple texts and calls then it's pretty clear that this guy has some boundary and dating etiquette tendencies which you might not wanna deal with full time in a BF.

 

Okay, well firstly I wouldn't say I'm over analysing, but simply stating events so I can receive an objective opinion. That's what forums like this are for, right? I stated that I know it's best to wait and let things unfold to get my answers, but just curious to others opinions (which I've actually found valuable)

 

And the double texts haven't been anything intense or frequent, usually they're just starting a new convo after some time has passes. One time he asked if I had gotten his last message, buy it literally turned out that my response hadn't gone through to him. (Though one time I think he thought he offended me as he asked about me getting ill and I didn't respond for a few hours so he apologised). And I just took the Facebook activity as showing an interest and wanted to engage with me

[shet]

He just sounds like a guy trying to date a woman. He probably wants whatever you'll give him. I've had women stay on my futon with no intentions - sure if they wanted to sneak out of it and into my bed I'd have been happy but otherwise I just offered them the option so I didn't have to avoid drinking to take them home after whatever we went to together.