natashalove Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 My sister is in a relationship with a guy who is 24. She is 26. She met this guy through a common friend. He is a muslim who is half white. He is younger than her (she had this idea she wouldn't date guys younger than her and always preferred older men but she overlooked this one and because he is a lot taller than her and she looks younger than him, she overlooked these facts) and he is actually of Pakistani descent (from his dad's side). This guy is absoluetely drop dead gorgeous in looks (to my sister, he resembles Aladdin, all that long dark hair till his nape) and has totally won her heart. Initially, my sister just liked him and never thought she would actually fall in love with him but they started meeting frequently and became extremely close. Now she can't imagine herself without him. The worst part is this guy's attitude and behaviour. He has been a chain smoker since he was 16. He does weed. Gets drunk and high. he's even had allegations of drug abuse and has been a womanizer. He has this toxic personality and his own friends claim he is quite negative and toxic. My sister has been dealing with him and all his problems as if she is his babysitter. Many times he gets high and completely intoxicated and she's the one who puts him to sleep and such. He has suffered from health issues and she had dedicated all her time to him. She has been persuading him to give up smoking and substances. She told me she can do anything to make him happy and no longer has any friends because she spends all her time with him. My sister even went to the extent of being physical with him every single day of a certain week , only to keep him pleased. Also, he is quite a possessive guy and she does as he does. If he gets jealous or something, she ll stop talking to the guy and devote all her time with him. I am concerned about my sister's well being and I don;t know where she's heading. Help!
WhatYouWantToHear Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 Help? How? We can't help you and you can't help your sister.
empresario Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 ^^ Probably NOT what she wants to hear . Here's the thing. He's right. His answer is exceedingly non-empathetic and boorish but it doesn't lack truth. You can't help someone in an abusive relationship when they can't see it or they don't want to be helped. That is a fact. The best thing you can do for her is to tell her you support her in everything she does...and even if you don't necessarily think he's a perfect fit for her, she will need you someday when the whole thing crashes to the ground. That's how you help your sister. You are there for her every time she gets hurt. You don't have to lie and pretend like you approve of the guy. But if you attack her or sound aggressive in any way, I PROMISE you all it will accomplish is pushing her further into his arms and away from yours. 2
pteromom Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 Yep, all you can do is stand by her side while she figures this out for herself. If she asks for your opinion or advice, the best way to give it is to ask questions she can answer herself. Like "Is this what you want your life to be?" "When you were dreaming of a boyfriend, is this what he was like?" Etc etc. If you say "He's a loser and you can do so much better!", that just puts a wedge between the two of you. It sucks watching someone you love figure this out.
Author natashalove Posted September 12, 2015 Author Posted September 12, 2015 Help? How? We can't help you and you can't help your sister. Why cant I ?
Poppygoodwill Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 What he meant to say was that people have to find their own truth. YOu can see it plain as day that he's a bad apple, and that she's caught in an unhealthy dynamic that could lead to abuse - if it isn't already. You can also see that she's doing it to herself to some degree. She's not dependent on him financially I'm assuming. She could walk away, but she's choosing to hang in there and pick up the pieces over and over. She doesn't yet see the truth of what he is and what it's doing to her. But you can't force people to see the truth; they have to come to it on their own terms. They have to be ready. It's one of those frustrating things about life. So this is what the other posters mean when they say: stand by her, be honest about what you see, but don't try to force that down her throat because she may push you away and be even MORE isolated than she already is. And hopefully after a while eventually she will see him adn his behaviour for what it is, and kick him to the curb. Typically, self -esteem is at the core of this sort of thing. On some level she must believe that he is the best she deserves; he's probably telling her that all the time and wearing down her self confidence so she feels she couldn't get anyone better. Or she feels that saving him from his addictions gives her purpose and makes her 'good'. Unfortunately - just as you can't force her to see the truth, she can't force him to see what he's doing to himself and her. People just have to come to it in their own time, and try to do as little damage in the meantime as possible.
Gaeta Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 Unfortunately some people need to hit rock bottom before making a change. I looked at my brother being in a toxic destructive relationship for 5 years before he hit rock bottom and got out of it. It may take years for your sister to realize she is in a very unhealthy relationship. When she realizes it though she will need you more than ever and you'll need to be there for her and to not judge why she stayed so long.
Keenly Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 I loved the part in the OP that says " he does weed" " like it's the same as doing heroin or something.
warshaw Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 I loved the part in the OP that says " he does weed" " like it's the same as doing heroin or something. Weed is addictive and illegal in most areas. It's destructive to the body and mind. No different than heroin in those respects. It's only a matter of degree.
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