RosieDunne Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 Ive been with my boyfriend about 9 months now and I really love him, he;s the nicest guy i;ve ever known and its the best relationship I've had in my life. He says adorable things to me and we have amazing chemistry too, even 9 months in it still feels like the beginning and we're so attracted to each other. but lately im feeling really upset and confused When I first met him he tentatively told me he occasionally smokes weed as he was worried I'd disapprove but it didn't really bother me, however as time went on and he got more comfortable around me, he started doing it more and more and it was obvious he's actually a full on stoner, I think he just tried to tone it down at the beginning. He says he doesn't need it and he can stop whenever he wants, he just likes it..but he never does stop. And now he smokes ALL THE TIME. All evening, in the daytime sometimes and I haven;t seen him a day without it for a while now. I'll go round his house and me, him and his twin will sit in the front room while they play a game and smoke it and to be honest i;m getting kind of Fed up now I feel like he doesn't even appreciate that I'm there, but I dont want to make a fuss because that caused huge problems in my previous relationship. I don't smoke, I used to a bit at the beginning just because I wanted to be a part of his world, but I really don't like the stuff, I find it just makes everything slow and confusing and it tends to make me pretty depressed. I've told him this and that thats why I don;t have it, and I don't expect him to stop, I'm just kind of Fed up he does it aaaall the time. Last night we were up until 6 while the two of them did it and if I say I want to lie down or something, he won't realise thats a hint i want to spend time with him - he won;t come with me. I dont want to be demanding I just feel really unappreciated. It seems the only time I actually get with him now is in bed before we go to sleep at mine its a bit different but we never really have anything to DO and I have that on my own so thats my fault too, but I just can't think anymore what to actually do with my life and ive been feeling pretty depressed lately and then when hes like this all the time it just doesn't really help. But then he'll start saying how much he loves me and be really cute and we;ll mess around and we can be so natural around each other now and tell each other everything so i feel like we have a really good connection. I;m just fed up of the smoking and don't know what to do? I really do love him and Ive thought about life without him and thats not something I want - Id much rather have him as a stoner than not at all but it just upsets me we never really seem to spend time together just us. I want to go on a date, do something nice but he seems more interested in getting several bags every night. don't get my wrong though, he doest treat me wonderfully and when we're alone it's great, I dont want to break up with him, nothing like that. I have no doubt aboit my feelings for him, the smoking just upsets me but he had has a pretty hard life and I know it helps so I don't want to tell him to stop either. I don't know what to do i love him more than I've ever loved anyone so please no-one tell me to end I because I know how much more upset I'd be without him and I can really see myself being with him forever and marrying him and that's what I want, he has no other faults but this fault is just quite a big one
BlueBlood Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 Might I suggest you have two issues here? One is your thoughts on his pot use and it's frequency. The other is how emotionally unavailable he seems to be in terms of value placed on time as a couple. People that use weed can be warm and involved partners, sober people can make their SO feel second class or less than treasured. If he were to never blaze up again his desire to take you to dinner and a movie might not alter one bit.
casey.lives Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 I've seen so many successful relationships where the guy gets high and the relationship is pleasant enough .. it's only a problem if you make it a problem.
twostep41 Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 I've seen so many successful relationships where the guy gets high and the relationship is pleasant enough .. it's only a problem if you make it a problem. Or if it starts interfering with life/the relationship. If he prioritizing getting high over spending time with his girlfriend, I think that's a bit of an issue. 1
losangelena Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 You can see spending the rest of your life with him? With a man who ignores you most of the time because he's high? I think you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with a version of him that doesn't come out very often. I don't think dropping hints is going to do it. You can't change him, so it's up to you to draw a boundary around what you're willing to live with, tell him and then see what happens. What I would do, is get really clear as to what I want—as in, "I am not OK with dating someone who is high all the time," or whatever your boundary is. And then you're going to have to tell him that it bothers you, because the more you let it bottle up and eat at you, the worse it'll be. Say, "I love you, but I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who ignores me, or who smokes pot all the time [or whatever your boundary is]," and see what he says. If it's true that he can "stop whenever he wants," he may need an impetus (your displeasure) to do so. Then give him a bit of time to see if he'll change. If not, you move on. My BF is like that with video games. Over the year we've been together, his play time has fluctuated, and went down a lot for a while, but he spent the majority of last weekend playing, even though I was at his place. I did feel ignored and low priority, and even told him so at one point when he asked, "are you bored?" Now I can give him some time to make some changes, or choose to prioritize our time together over his gaming. I don't MIND, in essence, that he plays, I just don't like it when I feel like second fiddle to a hobby. Yes, I love him, too, but I'm not so sure I want to spend the rest of my life with a man who's so engrossed in his game that he can't take 2 minutes out of his day to check in with me. Think about it, OP. Chances are he's not going to change, and then what are you going to do?
Author RosieDunne Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 Thanks for the replies everyone! Hes out at the mo so I actually just messaged him asking if he wants to go out when he gets back and he says it sounds like a nice idea, so Its not that he doesn't want to I think he just needs to be asked sometimes because he probably doesn't realise I want that, I just wish there was a way he could cut down the weed in the evenings but I guess like you say its only a problem if I make it one! To be honest i don't really know How I'm feeling I just know things don't feel right and I keep having dreams he's breaking up with me and it makes me really sad, I think more than anytnkng I'm worried hes getting bored of me and I get scared that's why hes smoking so much, but I don't think that's the case I'm just getting paranoid. But that's my biggest fear, I worry I'm not enough for him and he doesn't want to spend Time with me so I guess I make it a bigger issue in my head than it is
Author RosieDunne Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 Also I phrased this really badly, its not that he ignores me, it's not that at all, we'll talk and mess around together while he's playing (and I've been used to previous bf addicted to games that can't take their eyes off It so I'm really thankful hes not like that) and like your bf, he'll ask if im bored and if i am we'll switxh activity amd watch something, it's not that I'm being ignored, I guess i just wantmore alone time - it's cause he'll smoke with his twin all the time so I feel like I cant be 100% myself because he's in the room too, but I am getting better at it! To be honest my main fear is that I'm not entertaining enough for him so he feels he has to do itto not be bored?
losangelena Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 OP, it IS an issue, and it's FINE if it is one. You're allowed to have needs and wants in a relationship, but you need to make those clear to him. You feel ignored, you feel like he thinks you're boring, and this is exacerbated by the fact that he's habitually smoking weed. It's completely natural to want to get some reassurance from him. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who they feel is bored with them. But in this case, I don't think it's YOU, I think his pot habit is keeping him from being fully in your relationship (And I'm not generalizing ALL people who smoke pot; I'm saying in this case, that's what it sounds like is happening). But it's good you're going out. Keep doing that, keep telling him when you want to go do things. He's not a mind reader, so if you have a problem, you're going to have to tell him.
losangelena Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 To be honest my main fear is that I'm not entertaining enough for him so he feels he has to do itto not be bored? Girl, it's not you. Stoners like getting stoned.
clam Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 Since he says he can quit at any time, why not ask him to have a "pot-free" evening one or two nights per week. And see if it makes a difference in his attentiveness and your boredom. Go out on a date without the brother, just the two of you. Give yourselves a chance to be a normal couple. See if he really can do without the weed.
popcornpuff Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 Here's a piece of advice that I once received: when you're thinking about marrying someone, imagine all of their bad habits multiplied by ten. Is that something you can live with?
Jacob_Duluoz Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 Putting the marijuana to the side. I think you're dealing with a couple things. (1) He's attached to his twin brother. He's doing what they do which is toke and play video games. (2) He's not meeting your expectations as a partner in your relationship. I would accept 1 and talk about 2 with him. If you gave after him about his toking you're going to push him away. Just remember the last 3 Presidents of the United States inhaled.
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