Bleepx6 Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 (edited) Hello loveshack, I don't really know how to start this but my ex boyfriend and I dated for a year. He broke up with me the first time 3 months ago due to me getting into depression from failing my major (bright side, I got myself back into school studying a different major though.) I went LC, basically just talked to his friends about him, begged to him, chased after him and once I sent him a letter that I was moving on, a day later-- he called 20+ times and begged. I gave in, told him my trust decreased and that if we both want this to work-- we need to both make effort. He made a promise. Unfortunately, I became more insecure and trust issues increased. There was no cheating involved, rather I had resentment over him breaking up with me and I took him back so easily. Nonetheless, we also fought weekly about silly things: my jealousy, overthinking, I know I'm so stupid. I feel like every fight I started, he escalated and it's all my fault. The second break up occurred when I was taking him to a surprise trip to celebrate our anniversary (he didn't even want to go because something happened with his family that he didn't want to tell me). I calmly expressed my concerns that he hasn't been putting effort, which made me feel neglected and tired. I also noticed since that first break up I started impressing him more, doing more things for him to like me, which I think pushed him away.... Anyway, 4 days ago we got into a huge fight as he thought I was insulting him that he was being lazy, and wanted to avoid conflict. However, I wanted to make a compromise. We didn't but we calmed down, made up, and I thought we forgave each other. The next day, we were still both upset but he was still texting me I love you, how was your day, checking up on me as usual and then later on-- minutes before I had to go back to work, called me, crying that he couldn't take it anymore, it's not me that it's his fault entirely this time-- last time that it was my fault, this time it's all on him. This time I didn't beg (I was too ashamed), choked up a bit (I couldn't cry in front of my coworkers or customers), and just said "It's okay... It's okay... I have to go." After work I texted him that he should never again break up with someone on the phone again or during work, that I'm 10% angry and 90% heartbroken, how it's my fault because I'm too insecure, depressed and should've just kept my feelings inside, or talked about it to my counselor (yes I go to therapy for my depression and anxiety) to avoid fights with him. I guess now I'm just coping... I feel so ashamed, stupid that I gave him another chance. I keep blaming myself. I should've not been so jealous or insecure or overthought or anxious. I don't know. I know the break up is still fresh (3 days ago), I haven't texted/called him, immediately blocked him and his friends on all social media networks since the day he broke up with me. He hasn't reached out... and I feel so disrespected. I thought our relationship was special and I thought he was my best friend, but the way he ended things.... I feel so worthless... Edited August 20, 2015 by Bleepx6
La.Primavera Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 First of all, you are not worthless, don't ever think that about yourself. Secondly I am so sorry you are hurting. It sounds like a horrible breakup experience. I don't think you should regret giving him a second chance because at least you now know it isn't going to work, and that you gave it your best shot. I know it is tough but you will get through this. Take care. 1
paddlingduck Posted August 20, 2015 Posted August 20, 2015 Bleepx6 I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. What happened was not your fault and you should not be blaming yourself. Sure we all make mistakes in relationships but you have to remember he had faults too. How he ended things with you was awful. However, you need to reflect on this and ask yourself is this someone that you really want to be with. If you got back with him again every time he would ring you, would you be questioning is he going to break up with me again. You know yourself he should have shown more respect and spoken to you about things. My advice would be go nc and heal. Then when you're ready you will move on to someone amazing who has more respect for you. I hope everything works out for you x
Author Bleepx6 Posted August 23, 2015 Author Posted August 23, 2015 Hi Loveshack, So a few days before he broke up with me (for the second time), it was our one year. He gave me a present that was last minute but as an excuse something he already knew he was going to buy so no planning needed. On the other hand, I already bought a pre-ordered game that he wanted so much as my anniversary gift-- a month ahead before our anniversary. He hasn't received it. If you were in my position-- mind you still heartbroken, sad but trying to move on, what would you do? Give it to him? Ask for a refund? Help.
Gus Grimly Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 Refund ... or gift it to someone else. I know this swell guy named Gus who'd probably looooove it. Seriously though, whatever you do, do not give it to the Ex. He will think you are trying to buy his love possibly. I know I don't want any gifts from my Ex. I eBayed as much as I could and sent back to her what I could cram into a flat rate box. Whatever was left went to the salvation army. Most of us with broken hearts don't wanna be reminded of our Ex. 1
LostInLimbo Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 I Agree with Gus as well, just do a refund or Gift it out, why waste your time and money on something that isn't there or with someone who just doesn't care.. LiL
organizedchaos Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 A video game? Refund. If you can't do that, trade it in to a Best Buy for store credit and get yourself something.
Author Bleepx6 Posted August 31, 2015 Author Posted August 31, 2015 (edited) Hello loveshack, My ex and I dated for a year. He broke up with me for the second/third time (I sound confused, but the first time it was when I failed school and he wanted to bail because it was getting hard for him-- but stayed most likely out of pity for me) on the phone about 2 weeks ago. The second time was because of my insecurity, jealousy, low self-esteem and confidence after failing school (the outcome.) He took me back, when I got better academically and emotionally. Anyway, third time? I was at work, eating my lunch excited to tell him that my Friday was off-- so I was able to hang out with him and his friends, and then he dropped the bomb while bawling his eyes out. I was worth one minute of his time on the phone to end a year long relationship? I was angry, heartbroken, and shocked that he would do that and I had to work minutes later so I didn't even have time to beg, plead, or say anything on the phone except on text later. However, he and I did have problems beforehand. A day before he broke up with me, it was our belated anniversary celebration and I was going to take him to a surprise trip. But when we met up, he told me he didn't even want to see me due to family problems that happened earlier (excuses?) but he'll go any way because he has to. He forgot his plans to take me out for the evening or give me a handwritten love letter (the only thing I really wanted). Sometimes I look back and wish I would've not expressed my feelings and concerns about our relationship then we would not have had a big fight and break up. In the bus going there, I told him things were getting boring, that I feel neglected (he works full-time, and we only see each other once a week so I kept telling myself I'm just being dramatic), that I want this work but I need his input too. Unfortunately, that's when he explodes and became angry... for telling him how I felt? He gets angry a lot uncontrollably, and I realized early on that he's the type to bottle up his emotions until I say something. He pretends everything is OK, likes to please people as much as he can, which makes it difficult for me to know whether he's happy or not. After the break up-- for the week I was in shock, and sent him messages asking why on the phone, how worthless I feel, how he made the relationship not anymore special, etc. His reasons were he couldn't take the fights anymore, he couldn't make me happy, he couldn't do this or that anymore.... I was willing to fight for him because I thought he was "The One". I went (still going to this day) for therapy after failing school to manage my emotions, but he never did.... I guess I'm just here because 3 days ago I sent him a long message asking why... When 3 months before that he called crying on the phone that I gave him life, and 2 weeks ago told me he's done... That I don't want him back (deep inside I do, I know) but that I miss him, love him still and wish him the ultimate best because he is a good man. That I hope he made the right decision to end our relationship. That I'll miss him so much. When we weren't fighting or I wasn't expressing how I felt, things were great... He didn't reply to my message (except a "seen" and a thumbs up-- I know I was appalled) until 3 days later at 2 AM this morning.... I just woke up and basically cried hysterically because of this message: "Look I just wanna say something and I am not excepting to reply The reason I didn't answer is because I am not good with words and you know that Therefore I had to right down what I had to say first [my name] look I could never or ever hate you because you were a huge part of my life you were my first mature love (not that puppy love bs ) you were a person that I went through a lot with. We had good moments and bad moments. I cherish the good ones because they were special to me. I am sorry for ever hurting or making you feel bad I truly am... I guess all trying to say is that I wish you the best because you deserve and I am sorry I wasn't the bf that you thought I was.... and I hope you find that great that would make you happy because I couldn't at alot of times. Take care and if you ever need my help with anything I am a message away." I feel like I'm back in square one of NC. I've been in NC for 3 days... Edited August 31, 2015 by Bleepx6 Name exposed
Happines Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 First of all you need to work on yourself and your issues cuz it looks u have quiet few...NC is best thing you can do at this point...it will help you loads Secondly who on earth breaks up through messages...honestly he is not worth your time...concentrate on yourself and your life and don't even think about him...I guess you are very young so honestly you will meet that special person
d0nnivain Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 His message was sweet but you have to accept it as final. Good news, he's not the complete jerk he seemed like when he broke up with you over the phone at work. For whatever reasons -- your poor academic showing, your low self esteem, his family issues or possibly someone else -- this relationship was no longer working for him & he ended it. Why he ended it is not as important as the fact that he did end it. You have to find a way to wrap your head around that & start your healing process. I recommend you take you new free time& devote it to school. It sounds like you could use the extra study session. Good luck.
Author Bleepx6 Posted September 3, 2015 Author Posted September 3, 2015 My apologies in advance for spelling errors-- I'm on my phone. After 3 days of ignoring his last response to a message I sent him days earlier and being NC for at least 5 days... I replied to my ex's message. His response was about him being sorry, that he wishes me well that I deserve a great guy who will love me. Also that he is sorry for hurting me, and he will always cherish me as his first true mature love (I'm shaking my head atm in shame.) I responded 3 days later-- today, that hopefully one day, not now we can meet up for coffee to talk and be friends/civil. How I'm still hurt but moving on, but I'm doing better than before. I have been going to the gym everyday since we broke up 2 weeks ago as I needed to start training for my half-marathon run next month. Wow I'm so late. This afternoon I was at our university's gym (I've been going there everyday.) Lo and behold, he popped up out of nowhere. I've never seen him since the day he broke it off on the phone, minutes before I had to go back for work (I was on my lunch break.) We dated for a year, broke up with me twice and this time on the phone... It still hurts to be honest. I was courteous and polite in that we both smiled at each other. However minutes later he came up to me if we can talk for 5 minutes.... I told him we have both said everything we needed to say, clearly he wanted me out of his life on the phone and through Facebook messages. That I'm doing great, that I have been running around this gym's track and lifting weights everyday. What else could he say in 5 minutes? He asked again to talk for 5 minutes outside because he doesn't want to be an ******* who has to ignore me..... I told him it still hurts, not now maybe months, or years from now we can be friends. I can be civil but no more feeling talks. I left and continued doing my own workouts. As awkward as it was and let me tell you, I wanted to cry right then and there because it was/still is painful. Nonetheless, after I worked out-- started bawling my eyes out in the locker room instead. I guess I'm just venting right now..
La.Primavera Posted September 3, 2015 Posted September 3, 2015 You handled that situation very well. You should be proud of yourself! 1
Author Bleepx6 Posted September 3, 2015 Author Posted September 3, 2015 I did? I don't know why I feel so guilty, depressed and hurt. He's broken up with me twice. Right now it's still fresh (2 weeks) in my head. I just... he seemed so happy with his life (we both stated this was awkward and laughed but I snapped out of it). Everything I told him is true that I work out here everyday but I had to pretend everything in my life is going great, and then cried behind his back. Gah.
La.Primavera Posted September 3, 2015 Posted September 3, 2015 Yes, I think you did handle it well. It would have been easy to give in to his request and give him what he wanted but instead you put your feelings first because you knew it would be too hurtful. You were maintained your dignity and asserted yourself well. Soon you may not feel any need to communicate with him at all, but that takes time and discipline. 1
darkbloom Posted September 3, 2015 Posted September 3, 2015 Most important thing here is you kept your dignity and your self respect. You will be so proud of yourself in a few months when it doesn't hurt anymore and you kept your cool. I'm impressed. If you run into him in the future, say hi if you can't avoid him but keep talk to a minimum. You've already left him thinking you're better off without him. 2
Author Bleepx6 Posted September 3, 2015 Author Posted September 3, 2015 Thank you guys so much for taking your time to respond to my venting.
Author Bleepx6 Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 We dated for a little over a year and went to school together. He (J) broke up with me the first time 8 months ago due to him having difficulty dealing with how I was handling my failure in my major. He yelled at me thinking it's too difficult to be with someone like me and then told me that his problems were bigger, which I undestood. He took me back a day later because he wanted to be with me still. Nonetheless, I became depressed, suicidal and utterly lost self-worth for a couple of months. My trust in J slowly disintegrated because he left for a moment at my time in need. On the bright side, I changed majors and became better at what I do now-- academically. The second break up was 4 months ago and it was essentially the aftermath of my failure. I went from studying in university to community college and after passing my courses in community college-- went back to university to pursue my new major. However, I became very insecure, had low self-esteem that I got upset easily when J talked to other girls that were from my previous major. That was my mistake, I admit. But I never asked him to stop being their friend. I wanted to hang out with J's girl friends more often so I wouldn't feel so insecure and told him that. Maybe I am just messed up.. The day during our second break up, we were talking about faking orgasms and how he did it just because he was tired. Certainly, I was upset for a bit because I never knew he would-- it would have been better if he told me beforehand. I faked because we lost it to each other, and needed more practice or some sort as it's incredibly difficult. Stupid argument led to a big match of him yelling (I've never seen him that scary before..) and me crying. He made such a small problem-- told him why I was upset and rather than just solving the problem right then and there made a big deal out of it through getting angry easily. I fled his house to be alone and break up because it became scary and reminded me of my early childhood. However, maybe it is just me... I run away when scenes trigger yelling matches as my dad is fairly verbally and emotionally abusive. During that day, he asked for a break, and ultimately broke up with me on the phone the week after... telling me a list of all the mistakes I made. The best part was asking me if I can meet up with him and see each other-- just to break up with me for in person. His main reason the second time was assuming I told him to stop being friends with his close girl friends that he used that as his main reason to break up with me. It was a month long break up and I started going into counselling to deal with my depression, anxiety, being emotionally abused by my parents and failing that previous major-- also the aftermath of the break up. He begged for me back, and we got back together. We were back at honeymoon phase. However, I noticed whenever I expressed how I felt or our past mistakes to solve them so that we can improve as a couple-- he would make it into such a big deal and get angry thinking I can't let go of things. Perhaps, he's right. I just cannot let go of the betrayal and ruining his friendships... to this day I want to apologize to his female close friend for breaking them apart despite not telling him to stop. I guess I just became too clingy, and trying too hard to have his affection back. However, the second time he broke up with me-- he slowly became distant, wasn't making anymore effort or rather making me do all the effort. Also when J gets angry... it's honestly scary. He has called me an attention seeking whore/bitch/****ing insecure whore because an ex of mine (who I had no feelings for because I was madly in love with J) and I became platonic friends. I even wanted J to meet up with my previous ex and introduce them to each other so J can stop being insecure and trust me. "This is J-- my boyfriend, J this is (friend's name)." When he found out ex visited my school to catch up (wanted to meet him but J said no)-- J got extremely angry that he took me to a room and just started yelling... I couldn't believe it. Why is my boyfriend who I am madly in love with become so insecure and jealous over someone I have constantly reassured I had no feelings or doing anything wrong with? After his one hour yelling, he calmed down-- me still crying and apologized. I forgave him. There was also an incident when we were at a bus shelter and I started getting panic attacks because I was waiting for my grades for two exams I studied for. J was with me. I started contemplating about suicide-- I know it's stupid but school's very important to me and I had that past of failure. The way J dealt with my contemplation regarding suicide was by yelling at me for being stupid, to stop thinking about it, explained through yelling and constantly grabbing my arm hard how he lost his friend through suicide which made me cry even more and wanted to leave the scene. I understood he didn't want me to commit suicide but yelling at me and treating me like a child became too much. It was only when I left the scene, got on the next bus and had a moment to think quietly for myself that I felt better. I wasn't perfect. I was too insecure, had low self-esteem... didn't know who I was. After our third and final break up he told me even though I was small, I was scary because I couldn't let go of things. For instance, him leaving me three times (I lost a lot of trust from him), how it was hard for him to deal with me coping with failure, the aftermath and adjusting.... He said I was scary because I never yelled at him and how he would preferred I hit him with a belt, or something physical etc., to fire back at him rather than being polite or not saying anything at all when his words become too much to bear... I was astonished. I never yelled at him and sometimes give him a blank stare or mostly, if not always crying because my dad has yelled, said mean things to me so many times that to me I promised myself I would not do so with the person I love because I know how it feels. I'm not perfect. I would tell him he's desperate for being with me as I failed my major. However, I stopped calling him that name when he told me it hurts when I do. But when it came to me constantly telling him to stop yelling at me discipling me like a child when he gets angry, he said he'd try-- but broke loose. I can be passive aggressive and I amit I am. Sometimes I wish I didn't express how I felt being neglected, uncomfortable, sad, worried to him then maybe he would not have broke up with me. Most of the time I'm glad I dodged a bullet, however I guess now I'm just missing him... He was my best friend and when we weren't fighting he was a good boyfriend.... I feel like everything's my fault. I did not see my relationship at all as abusive because it was normal in my childhood, but I'm seeing it now.... Why do I still miss my ex? We have both been in no contact after I sent him a facebook message a week ago, telling him that he mentally and emotionally-- close to physical abuse. What is wrong with me.... I guess now I'm just coping... I feel so ashamed, stupid that I gave him chance after chance as I wanted him to change/become a better boyfriend. On my odd days, I keep blaming myself. I should've not been so jealous or insecure or overthought or anxious. I don't know. I know the break up is still fresh (3 weeks ago.) He asked about me to my friends-- how I am and telling them that hopefully my friends don't hate him for what he did. **tl;dr**: Still missing mentally, emotionally and borderline physical abusive ex... One day I feel confident, happy and relieved he broke up with me and the next day (if I'm drunk) sad and missing the good parts about him. Venting session.
jen1447 Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 It's early yet. In time you'll see him more and more for the turd her really is, to the point where he'll eventually disgust you most likely. In the meantime, because separation anxiety. Stay strong hon.
William Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 Folks, I merged five threads on a similar topic so there may be some duplication of content. Please continue the discussion on this topic here. Thanks!
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