How to handle verbally abusive wife - married with 2 kids

[CaliMan2]

So I'm married with two young kids.

 

Sometimes life can be good with my wife but usually it's troublesome. Mainly:

 

• Makes a big deal out of little things
  
• Treats her family members without their required levels of respect
  
• Conflict Resolution consists of 1. Shouting / yelling 2. Abusing with personal swear words 3. Suggesting divorce
  
• Constantly makes comments along the line of 'if you don't like it, leave'
  

 

I don't want to leave the relationship as having two houses will be a bigger financial burden, I'm the only bread winner, and because of the kids.

 

I find that if I treat her like we are single / don't have kids, she is happy. Like she loves going to the bar to drink / going out for dinner. Hates spending time at home with the kids. I'm basically the complete opposite. When I'm not at home, she seems happy, when I am at home, many many little small things annoy / frustrate her.

 

How am I supposed to handle a woman like this?

[autumnnight]

Just a few questions"

 

Makes a big deal out of little things: Are these little things simply little to you? Are they objectively little? Are they important to her? I would need further clarification on the term "little things"

 

Treats her family members without their required levels of respect: Hmmm "required levels of respect" I'd like to know more about what this fine phrase means as well. Who is requiring the respect, and are they living in a way as to earn it?

 

Conflict Resolution consists of 1. Shouting / yelling 2. Abusing with personal swear words 3. Suggesting divorce: Yeah, none of these are appropriate. Even a passionate person CAN disagree without shouting. Swear words in an argument are, IMO, symptoms of emotional and lazy thinking. And suggestion divorce as a manipulation tactic? Not good

 

Constantly makes comments along the line of 'if you don't like it, leave': If she is saying this to a spouse, see above. I'd be tempted to take her up on it. If she is saying it to children (particular pre-adolescent ones), then double bad form.

[Satu]

Does alcohol play any part in this?

 

For her to rule the household through abusive behaviour is completely unacceptable, and that is a message that needs to be got across to her in a very strong way.

 

If she can't behave in a non-abusive manner it's her who should leave, for the sake of your children, if nothing else.

 

She's doing it because she can and because it gets her what she wants.

 

It's time for consequences.

 

You need to let her know that you're not going to tolerate any more of this, and also that you're not going anywhere. You need to man up and be strong.

 

She needs to know that you're not going to back down.

[CaliMan2]

Just a few questions"

 

Makes a big deal out of little things: Are these little things simply little to you? Are they objectively little? Are they important to her? I would need further clarification on the term "little things"

 

Treats her family members without their required levels of respect: Hmmm "required levels of respect" I'd like to know more about what this fine phrase means as well. Who is requiring the respect, and are they living in a way as to earn it?

 

Conflict Resolution consists of 1. Shouting / yelling 2. Abusing with personal swear words 3. Suggesting divorce: Yeah, none of these are appropriate. Even a passionate person CAN disagree without shouting. Swear words in an argument are, IMO, symptoms of emotional and lazy thinking. And suggestion divorce as a manipulation tactic? Not good

 

Constantly makes comments along the line of 'if you don't like it, leave': If she is saying this to a spouse, see above. I'd be tempted to take her up on it. If she is saying it to children (particular pre-adolescent ones), then double bad form.

 

They are objective little things and can be wide ranging. To her, they are important.

 

With regards to treating her family members with the required levels of respect, this is to what I consider a reasonable standard. Like if your Mom called you an idiot, you wouldn't cancel her cell phone service. Something like that, my better - half's reactions seemed highly disproportionate.

[CaliMan2]

Does alcohol play any part in this?

 

For her to rule the household through abusive behaviour is completely unacceptable, and that is a message that needs to be got across to her in a very strong way.

 

If she can't behave in a non-abusive manner it's her who should leave, for the sake of your children, if nothing else.

 

She's doing it because she can and because it gets her what she wants.

 

It's time for consequences.

 

You need to let her know that you're not going to tolerate any more of this, and also that you're not going anywhere. You need to man up and be strong.

 

She needs to know that you're not going to back down.

 

Alcohol used to play a part in aggravating her emotional personality. Now, this is not so much of a problem as her drinking is at a much more manageable level.

 

I agree with your sentiment, the only problems I foresee are enforcing this and the lack of sex that occurs during an elongated conflict, as she is not the type of person who will sit down and reason, she would rather not talk for two weeks until she gets an apology.

[autumnnight]

They are objective little things and can be wide ranging. To her, they are important.

 

With regards to treating her family members with the required levels of respect, this is to what I consider a reasonable standard. Like if your Mom called you an idiot, you wouldn't cancel her cell phone service. Something like that, my better - half's reactions seemed highly disproportionate.

 

I do not understand why you are still with her. It is apparent that you do not like her or respect her at all either.

 

I agree that canceling someone's cell service because they called you an idiot is extreme. Of course, calling someone an idiot is not the height of kindness. If my parent was calling my spouse an idiot, I'd probably have a few things to say to my parent.

 

As for obejctive little things.....I do have to wonder if you feel compelled to TELL her how little they are and how ridiculous she is for caring about them. Because that type of attitude would not exactly engernder respect.

 

It does sound like she has some anger problems and reacts way too much from emotion. However, you might benefit from reading a great book called "Lovebusters," and focusing on the chapter about disrespectful judgments.

[eye of the storm]

When I was in therapy after my H left me, I came to the conclusion that the majority of our M I spent trying to keep him from being angry. I changed everything about myself trying to keep the peace. His family does it too. Nobody wants to deal with the moods or the fallout.

 

It is a horrible way to live. Not only for yourself, but for your children.

 

My therapist told me I needed boundaries. And I needed to enforce them. If I had done that during my M, I would have either had a much better M or I would have been divorced many years earlier than I was...But I would not have damaged my children or myself as much as I did by trying to constantly pacify my spouse.

 

I recommend MC. And if she won't go, and she probably won't because she has no reason to change, I recommend IC. You need to learn how to decide what you will and will not accept in your life and how to enforce boundaries/consequences.

 

This will not be easy. But for your children and for yourself, it is important.

[sandylee1]

I suggest you seek marriage counselling.

If she refuses, then try IC yourself. It might help you figure out a strategy to leave her.

 

I also suggest you get a savings plan in motion and figure out how you can live apart. Does she watch the kids during the daytime? As that is a job in itself. Maybe she wants a break from it in the evening.

 

I know someone who always said what your wife does "if you don't like it you can leave " and one day he did just that. Now she's the one with regret, while the guy is remarried and the kids love their stepmother.

 

What she's saying is I won't change, so take it or leave it.

 

Why not take her out to dinner, be honest about how you feel and stress you'd like you BOTH to work on making your marriage a happy one.

 

Try and ascertain if she wants to stay in this marriage or would rather coparent.

[Siquijor]

She sounds like a sorry excuse for a woman and a mother. If she wants to go to bars enjoying herself she shouldn't have had kids in the first place.

 

 

Might be best to cut your losses and leave because she'll wear you down eventually and maybe take the kids with you because they don't deserve to be in an atmosphere such as this. It's clear to me she only cares about herself and not her family.

[Got it]

I suggest you seek marriage counselling.

If she refuses, then try IC yourself. It might help you figure out a strategy to leave her.

 

I also suggest you get a savings plan in motion and figure out how you can live apart. Does she watch the kids during the daytime? As that is a job in itself. Maybe she wants a break from it in the evening.

 

I know someone who always said what your wife does "if you don't like it you can leave " and one day he did just that. Now she's the one with regret, while the guy is remarried and the kids love their stepmother.

 

What she's saying is I won't change, so take it or leave it.

 

Why not take her out to dinner, be honest about how you feel and stress you'd like you BOTH to work on making your marriage a happy one.

 

Try and ascertain if she wants to stay in this marriage or would rather coparent.

 

Think this is worth seconding. You can't control her behavior but you can ask for what you want/need. If she isn't willing to do MC then do IC.

 

I am sorry, I grew up in a household where we walked on eggshells around my father's temper and it is a hard way to live. It is hard when the person will not change. To this day I am VERY sensitive to other's temper and very aware when they are getting riled up. I can handle it (and have developed my own temper to stand my ground) but I have little tolerance to bullying behavior. And now I am the strongest push back on my father whenever he lashes out at family. Oddly it seems to subdue him.

[tobrieornottobrie]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Are you open to the idea of marriage counseling, as a pp has suggested? Would your wife be willing to go through some counseling? Just something to consider. Best of luck!

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Grow some self respect. Give her a serious ultimatum & when she blows it divorce her. Give her the golden opportunity to yell at the judge in the divorce hearing.

[Toodaloo]

[*]Constantly makes comments along the line of 'if you don't like it, leave'

 

How am I supposed to handle a woman like this?

 

If someone kept saying that to me I would calmly walk away pack their bag, give it to them and tell them they now have a choice. Their behaviour changes or they go and collect the rest of their stuff tomorrow.

 

Just because she is female doesn't mean its your job to support her.

 

When she is calm ask her to go to couples therapy with you.

 

The pair of you need help and fast.

[preraph]

She may have anger issues or we have to consider that you are the thorn in her paw. But it sounds miserable, and I would say the children are 5 times more miserable than you listening to it (I can vouch for this firsthand) and it will affect them negatively forever. So ask your wife to go to marital counseling with you and if you have any children problems, get the whole mess into family counseling and see if her anger issues can be resolved. Anger management can help people if they are angry from their childhood, but not so much if you're just making her mad or life is running her down or whatever. But ask her to get in counseling with you and see if she will. You don't have to threaten divorce. Most people know counseling is a last effort to save the marriage. Good luck.

[perol]

Grow some self respect. Give her a serious ultimatum & when she blows it divorce her. Give her the golden opportunity to yell at the judge in the divorce hearing.

 

It's so easy to tell someone else to divorce. As if it's the course of the day. It means losing his home, incurring twice the financial burden of one household, limited access to his kids, and a large chunk of his income out of his hands for many years to come. It also means walking away from a woman he promised to spend his life with- all because they're going through a rough patch and she has anger issues. That's just irresponsible.

[Got it]

It's so easy to tell someone else to divorce. As if it's the course of the day. It means losing his home, incurring twice the financial burden of one household, limited access to his kids, and a large chunk of his income out of his hands for many years to come. It also means walking away from a woman he promised to spend his life with- all because they're going through a rough patch and she has anger issues. That's just irresponsible.

 

So is abusing someone.