Author PureAppleJuice Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 If she wanted to end it, would she not have done so already? There are several possibilities for not ending it even if she really wanted to and none of them would be a "plus" for having a relationship with her. Her appearing to be no-nonsense while being non-sensical in her actions, indicates that the no-nonsense persona is a facade. Without knowing more about her history, I won't comment on possibilities. There isn't enough given here to even make an educated guess at his point. I understand the stress you feel about this. You are confused because she is confusing. However, most people, would walk away from a situation like this. For you, I'd be concerned about developing a co-dependent relationship. But I find myself much more content being with someone, being part of a little world etc. -- This is fine, however, putting more effort into having that than they are willing or able to give and accepting that scenario at your own expense, is not going to make you content. What sort of possibilities? I know you said you wouldn't comment, but I don't know...
Author PureAppleJuice Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 This is abusive behavior in my opinion. My ex used to do this to me, I felt just to upset and manipulate me, and keep me clinging to his every whim. That isn't OK. I have thought about this, but because it's after an argument I just took it as expected.
Author PureAppleJuice Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 Perhaps I'm wired weirdly but for me, if I had the hot and cold treatment from a partner (I'm breaking up with you, now I'm not) I think I'd have to walk away. I don't appreciate being someone's yo-yo; its anxiety producing and would bruise my self esteem. Am I not good enough for this person to just talk to? Why are they flip flopping? What's tomorrow going to bring? Talk about walking on eggshells! I don't think I'd let this go on. If I was told "Im leaving you" well, ok. Leave. I might be lonely but at least I won't be a wreck of what ifs! You want to be in a little world and with someone and that's totally understandable! Just maybe this person isn't the one to invest your heart in if it keeps happening and looking over the relationship? I know in anger and frustration I've said things I really regret. We all do. But this seems to be a theme in your relationship as it stands now, from what I am reading. It all sounds very painful and like a whirlwind. I agree with the part in bold. I say this her, that I was angry, that none of these things mean anything, they're said to hurt etc.
Satu Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 I agree with the part in bold. *I say this her, that I was angry, that none of these things mean anything, they're said to hurt etc. This is a big problem. When words are used for the purpose of emotional violence, they wound. Saying that you didn't mean it doesn't really help. It's destructive and damaging. You need to completely eradicate that behaviour. It wounds.
Redhead14 Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 I realise that most people would walk away from this, and I have felt like it many times. And no, it won't make me content. The only reason I persist with this is because we have been in a similar position before where she was saying that she couldn't get past something (I had in been touch with an ex -purely platonically - and she discovered this), and we did. Things did go back to normal. So that's why I'm still here. Well, going back to "normal" may not be a good thing anyway. At least at this point, it is not a normal relationship. It sounds to me as if normal is very superficial and that there is a weak emotional connection anyway. I still haven't seen anything above about how long you've been seeing each other.
Author PureAppleJuice Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 This is a big problem. When words are used for the purpose of emotional violence, they wound. Saying that you didn't mean it doesn't really help. It's destructive and damaging. You need to completely eradicate that behaviour. It wounds. I know it does
Author PureAppleJuice Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 Well, going back to "normal" may not be a good thing anyway. At least at this point, it is not a normal relationship. It sounds to me as if normal is very superficial and that there is a weak emotional connection anyway. I still haven't seen anything above about how long you've been seeing each other. We've been together for seven months. To be honest, I've spent a lot of time in the break up section of this website recently.... that's not where I want to be, again. I know that no-one does, but... I just don't think I can handle it.
Satu Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 We've been together for seven months. To be honest, I've spent a lot of time in the break up section of this website recently.... that's not where I want to be, again. I know that no-one does, but... I just don't think I can handle it. I get a strong feeling that the real issue here is a fear of abandonment. Was that an issue in your family of origin? Where you abandoned, or threatened with abandonment, as a child? Did you fear that you would be abandoned?
Author PureAppleJuice Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 When I give advice on here, it's often easy to just tell someone to walk away from something or whatever. But I love this person so much, walking away and it ending would be the worst thing in the world, right now. While it still appears I have a chance at making things better, I want to. She loves me, and wants to be with me WITHOUT all the problems. If it was the case that she had fallen out of love with me then I'd walk away. I wouldn't do this. She just says that she can't cope with the arguments and thinks there'll be more. I don't want there to be more either. But she doesn't trust me. She doesn't trust that there won't be. Obviously, the only way that she can be shown the difference is through time, but she has to commit to waiting and she doesn't seem to know what she's doing. She's just looking at all the negatives.
Author PureAppleJuice Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 I get a strong feeling that the real issue here is a fear of abandonment. Was that an issue in your family of origin? Where you abandoned, or threatened with abandonment, as a child? Did you fear that you would be abandoned? My mother died suddenly when I was 23 and I was left on my own. I know this is all connected, but I can't do anything about it. Its the way I am, I don't know how to fix it.
Satu Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 When I give advice on here, it's often easy to just tell someone to walk away from something or whatever. But I love this person so much, walking away and it ending would be the worst thing in the world, right now. While it still appears I have a chance at making things better, I want to. She loves me, and wants to be with me WITHOUT all the problems. If it was the case that she had fallen out of love with me then I'd walk away. I wouldn't do this. She just says that she can't cope with the arguments and thinks there'll be more. I don't want there to be more either. But she doesn't trust me. She doesn't trust that there won't be. Obviously, the only way that she can be shown the difference is through time, but she has to commit to waiting and she doesn't seem to know what she's doing. She's just looking at all the negatives. You can change your behaviour. You can create new responses. Imagine yourself in the situation just before one of these arguments. Think of a different or new way of behaving that is less problematic. There is a healthier option. What is it?
Author PureAppleJuice Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 You can change your behaviour. You can create new responses. Imagine yourself in the situation just before one of these arguments. Think of a different or new way of behaving that is less problematic. There is a healthier option. What is it? I don't know. I feel hopeless right now anyway.
Satu Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 My mother died suddenly when I was 23 and I was left on my own. I know this is all connected, but *I can't do anything about it. **Its the way I am, I don't know how to fix it. Losing your mother is a huge blow. Sorry for your loss. *Yes you can. You're clearly an intelligent woman with resources you can work with. **It's the way you have been, but it doesn't have to continue. If you don't know how to fix it, you have to find out how to fix it. You can do that.
Author PureAppleJuice Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 Losing your mother is a huge blow. Sorry for your loss. *Yes you can. You're clearly an intelligent woman with resources you can work with. **It's the way you have been, but it doesn't have to continue. If you don't know how to fix it, you have to find out how to fix it. You can do that. It's all too late though. As much as I'm on here fighting and posting for answers - the way she talks to me is heartbreaking. There is no emotion, no love, no anything. I may as well be talking to a colleague. It's horrible. I don't want to lose her, and I don't want to go through a break up. So I'm stuck.
Satu Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 I don't know. I feel hopeless right now anyway. That feeling will pass. Feelings always do. Here are a few tips that might be helpful: You are very hurt, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right. Take care of your body: Eat enough and eat healthily. Drink enough water. Thats 1.5 litres a day for a female. Get a bit more rest than you think you need. Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous. If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor. Get out of the house every day. Go for a walk. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate. Post here as often as you want to. There is always someone here. Take care. 2
Satu Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 It's all too late though. As much as I'm on here fighting and posting for answers - the way she talks to me is heartbreaking. There is no emotion, no love, no anything. I may as well be talking to a colleague. It's horrible. I don't want to lose her, and I don't want to go through a break up. So I'm stuck. I think its time you went for a run. 1
BlueBlood Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 When I give advice on here, it's often easy to just tell someone to walk away from something or whatever. But I love this person so much, walking away and it ending would be the worst thing in the world, right now. While it still appears I have a chance at making things better, I want to. She loves me, and wants to be with me WITHOUT all the problems. If it was the case that she had fallen out of love with me then I'd walk away. I wouldn't do this. She just says that she can't cope with the arguments and thinks there'll be more. I don't want there to be more either. But she doesn't trust me. She doesn't trust that there won't be. Obviously, the only way that she can be shown the difference is through time, but she has to commit to waiting and she doesn't seem to know what she's doing. She's just looking at all the negatives. Well there will always be more arguments/disagreements. That's life. How you approach life's ebb and flow is going to determine a lot about your future as a couple. No married or long term couple is immune from cross words, impatience, fussing, or exasperation to some degree. But emotional battery is a harsh way to exist. Your relationship is still young, kinda that honeymoon type phase, and yet the apple sure shows signs of the shine being already gone. I can respect wanting to stay with ones partner, but at what cost? You sound pretty worn out and white knuckle worried. No judgement there, most folks have been at a crossroads before and can identify with the feelings you express. One thing I find helps with my own clarity and relaxation levels is watching my diet. Less junk, less caffeine and alcohol, more vitamin and nutrient dense food and I find taking magnesium, fish oil, and other nutrient supplements help me stay healthier and feeling less overwhelmed. Supporting my body supports my heart and mind. Maybe you're already doing that? I just know that for me sugar and high glycemic index foods, and processed foods, leave me more unsteady and less even keel. If nothing else researching personal nutrition occupies head space and breaks up stress by not letting it run in a loop in your head 24/7. Just a thought. You can't change anyone but yourself, and right now it sounds like any self care you can do, would be a good plan. ~B 2
Redhead14 Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 It's all too late though. As much as I'm on here fighting and posting for answers - the way she talks to me is heartbreaking. There is no emotion, no love, no anything. I may as well be talking to a colleague. It's horrible. I don't want to lose her, and I don't want to go through a break up. So I'm stuck. Welcome to the world of co-dependency -- staying in an unfulfilling relationship at the expense of compromising your needs in order to hold on to a relationship. It is not too late. End it, deal with the emotions and move on. The trick is to find ways to deal with those emotions in a healthy, proactive way. It can be done. I promise you that the longer you stay in this relationship, the more difficult it will become and it will do more damage to your self-esteem by staying with it than losing her/breaking up with her would.
Author PureAppleJuice Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 Welcome to the world of co-dependency -- staying in an unfulfilling relationship at the expense of compromising your needs in order to hold on to a relationship. It is not too late. End it, deal with the emotions and move on. The trick is to find ways to deal with those emotions in a healthy, proactive way. It can be done. I promise you that the longer you stay in this relationship, the more difficult it will become and it will do more damage to your self-esteem by staying with it than losing her/breaking up with her would. I don't know if this makes any difference, but the argument only happened a few days ago. I understand co-dependency, and obviously I don't want to be there. If the argument had been a couple of months ago, and it was still like this - I wouldn't be hanging around and I know that she wouldn't keep me around.
Author PureAppleJuice Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 Well there will always be more arguments/disagreements. That's life. How you approach life's ebb and flow is going to determine a lot about your future as a couple. No married or long term couple is immune from cross words, impatience, fussing, or exasperation to some degree. But emotional battery is a harsh way to exist. Your relationship is still young, kinda that honeymoon type phase, and yet the apple sure shows signs of the shine being already gone. I can respect wanting to stay with ones partner, but at what cost? You sound pretty worn out and white knuckle worried. No judgement there, most folks have been at a crossroads before and can identify with the feelings you express. One thing I find helps with my own clarity and relaxation levels is watching my diet. Less junk, less caffeine and alcohol, more vitamin and nutrient dense food and I find taking magnesium, fish oil, and other nutrient supplements help me stay healthier and feeling less overwhelmed. Supporting my body supports my heart and mind. Maybe you're already doing that? I just know that for me sugar and high glycemic index foods, and processed foods, leave me more unsteady and less even keel. If nothing else researching personal nutrition occupies head space and breaks up stress by not letting it run in a loop in your head 24/7. Just a thought. You can't change anyone but yourself, and right now it sounds like any self care you can do, would be a good plan. ~B I am extremely worn out. I am exhausted. I did order a pizza today (I was cleaning out the kitchen so didn't want to cook in there) so I guess that probably didn't help. I try to keep on top of the running and eat as best I can for now. If nothing else, sticking to three meals a day does create some sort of focus for my mind.
Redhead14 Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 My mother died suddenly when I was 23 and I was left on my own. I know this is all connected, but I can't do anything about it. Its the way I am, I don't know how to fix it. This issue didn't begin when you were 23. This is rooted in childhood. It came with you into adulthood. Where is your father?
Author PureAppleJuice Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 This issue didn't begin when you were 23. This is rooted in childhood. It came with you into adulthood. Where is your father? He left when I was a baby.
Satu Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 He left when I was a baby. So you have abandonment issues that can be addressed in therapy. There's nothing 'wrong' with you. You just need some healing, and some healthy new ways of dealing with your feelings. Lots of us have been there. I've been there.
Redhead14 Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 He left when I was a baby. Therefore, there was no attachment to him and a limited attachment to your mother because she was likely working a lot and emotionally unavailable a lot of the time -- tired, busy, etc. Yes? If so, this is akin to feeling abandoned but it's more about wanting and needing a deeper level of attachment, not being able to have it and feeling it as a loss or an unrequited need. On on top of that her death also triggers all that and compounds it with feeling abandoned. Your girlfriend's behavior is mirroring that relationship somewhat and it's triggering those emotions for you. You want that connection but it's elusive and inconsistent. It's a source of underlying frustration and that frustration fuels the argument cycle. You know that she will pull away as a result of the argument, you try to pull her back and she pulls away harder. I suggest taking a break from discussing the relationship and issues/arguments for a specified period. Just date, enjoy time spent. If something triggers a disagreement, you table it and come back to it at a later time. Say the next day. At seven months, not living together, sharing expenses/finances, no children, sharing household chores, in-laws, etc., I struggle to understand the types of arguments you could be having that would escalate to such levels . . .
Redhead14 Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 There is a journaling exercise for couples who struggle with frequent escalated arguments. When there is a disagreement and it is escalating, you both step back. At a quiet time, you each pull out a notebook and write down your thoughts and feelings regarding that particular issue. Later, you exchange notebooks. You have a brief discussion about what you each have written. If the issue cannot be resolved in a matter of a few minutes, you table it again. You add any further thoughts later and revisit it again. If the matter cannot be resolved, then you need to decide whether it is something you can agree to disagree about or if it's simply a deal breaker. There can be no name calling, disparaging personal remarks, insinuations, etc. regarding the other person. A simple statement of the problem, your view/opinion on the matter, why it is important to you and the priority of it, and at least one suggestion for resolution and/or compromise.
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