Keep fighting and want to stop

[PureAppleJuice]

Hi, I'm just looking for some practical advice, really.

 

Myself and my girlfriend have been together for a while now and we sometimes argue. However, our last argument took place in public, and involved us pushing each other etc. (We are both female). Since this incident, she's been very distant and says she doesn't know how to get past that. I am also quite upset and embarrassed about the way I acted. We both love each other very much, and I want to be with her. She says that she wants to be with me but doesn't want these problems. She will break up with me, then I get upset and she will take it back. This has been going on since the incident.

 

I know most of the advice will be to simply break up, but I desperately want to save this relationship and I am not sure what to do. She is coming over to spend the weekend with me but I am not really sure why. I am finding it hard dealing with her lack of attention/affection and I just want things back how they were.

 

Due to my personal problems, I really cannot afford to go through a break up right now. The toll it will take on me mentally ( I have mental health issues) will be too much, I will not be able to cope and I know I will break down. Just the mere thought of it is too much. I need some outside opinions because I don't know what to do or say to her half the time.

[casey.lives]

I will not be able to cope and I know I will break down... you are already telling yourself how to behave in saying these words.

But everyone who breaks up feels this way.. it's not exclusive to you.

[PureAppleJuice]

I will not be able to cope and I know I will break down... you are already telling yourself how to behave in saying these words.

But everyone who breaks up feels this way.. it's not exclusive to you.

 

I am aware that it isn't exclusive to me. I have already been through several break ups, and one earlier this year. This is why I am seeking outside advice, because I would do anything to prevent that happening again. I appreciate your reply, but it wasn't really helpful.

[Satu]

What is it that you argue about?

 

It takes two to have an argument, and if one withdraws their participation, the argument stops there.

 

What is it that triggers these episodes?

[Gaeta]

I would like to know as well what is this fighting about?

 

One of you needs to stop feeding these arguments. When the tension builds up just walk away for a break. Refuse to participate in a heated exchange.

[PureAppleJuice]

What is it that you argue about?

 

It takes two to have an argument, and if one withdraws their participation, the argument stops there.

 

What is it that triggers these episodes?

 

The arguments are when we have a disagreement; if she is at my house she will often start getting ready to leave. Walking around very quickly in my flat, putting her shoes on etc. Leaving mid-conversation. This, in turn, frustrates me. Then there maybe an argument about the leaving, and it just stems from there.

 

We seem to have different ways of handling disagreements/arguments. I would rather resolve things as soon as possible. She will put up a front, and be quite blunt, not really saying much. Will often respond with "OK" or "Everything's fine" when it isn't.

 

My previous partner seemed to calm down once I'd given her a cuddle, so that is what I am used to doing. When my current girlfriend is angry or annoyed, she doesn't seem to want me near her and so I find it difficult to resolve things.

 

*I must just add that she will leave my house, and then I get anxious because she won't say "I'll talk to you when I calm down" or anything of that nature, and I will often try to stop her from leaving for that reason. Then she gets annoyed because she wants to leave, and I feel that is where we often clash.

 

Otherwise, we have fun together... I really just want the arguments to stop. Obviously if it is irreparable(sp?) that has to be dealt with, but I am trying everything in my power to stop it being the end.

 

At this moment in time she seems fine having general chit chat, but when I start getting upset because she isn't being affectionate, that seems to be when she feels she can't carry on.

Edited September 10, 2015 by PureAppleJuice

[Redhead14]

The arguments are when we have a disagreement; if she is at my house she will often start getting ready to leave. Walking around very quickly in my flat, putting her shoes on etc. Leaving mid-conversation. This, in turn, frustrates me. Then there maybe an argument about the leaving, and it just stems from there.

 

We seem to have different ways of handling disagreements/arguments. I would rather resolve things as soon as possible. She will put up a front, and be quite blunt, not really saying much. Will often respond with "OK" or "Everything's fine" when it isn't.

 

My previous partner seemed to calm down once I'd given her a cuddle, so that is what I am used to doing. When my current girlfriend is angry or annoyed, she doesn't seem to want me near her and so I find it difficult to resolve things.

 

*I must just add that she will leave my house, and then I get anxious because she won't say "I'll talk to you when I calm down" or anything of that nature, and I will often try to stop her from leaving for that reason. Then she gets annoyed because she wants to leave, and I feel that is where we often clash.

 

Otherwise, we have fun together... I really just want the arguments to stop. Obviously if it is irreparable(sp?) that has to be dealt with, but I am trying everything in my power to stop it being the end.

 

At this moment in time she seems fine having general chit chat, but when I start getting upset because she isn't being affectionate, that seems to be when she feels she can't carry on.

 

She gets uncomfortable when you push for more affection from her? How does she respond to affection from you?

[PureAppleJuice]

She gets uncomfortable when you push for more affection from her? How does she respond to affection from you?

 

When I'm affectionate towards her she doesn't tell me to stop. If I ask her whether I should stop, she says no, it's fine. She has said that she is finding it difficult to be affectionate right now, because of the severity of the argument.

 

I feel that if she genuinely wanted to break up and that be that, she would have done it by now. She isn't the type of person to hang around and be with someone for the hell of it; she has dumped many of her ex partners.

Edited September 10, 2015 by PureAppleJuice

[Redhead14]

When I'm affectionate towards her she doesn't tell me to stop. If I ask her whether I should stop, she says no, it's fine. She has said that she is finding it difficult to be affectionate right now, because of the severity of the argument.

 

How long have you been seeing each other? What's a while? If it's only been a couple of months or so, having this much turmoil isn't healthy. And how old are you two?

 

What specifically are the arguments about?

 

Conflict resolution skills/management styles are very important in terms of compatibility. Her style is more avoidant, although, it's not a bad thing to call a time out/diffuse the situation when one or the other is becoming too upset. However, leaving shouldn't be part of it unless it becomes physical. Saying "hey, I'm getting upset now, can we circle back in a hour or so" is ok, depending on the severity/level of importance regarding the issue surrounding the argument. If arguments are escalating over "little" things, that's sign of a bigger problem.

[Gaeta]

The arguments are when we have a disagreement; if she is at my house she will often start getting ready to leave. Walking around very quickly in my flat, putting her shoes on etc. Leaving mid-conversation. This, in turn, frustrates me. Then there maybe an argument about the leaving, and it just stems from there.

 

We seem to have different ways of handling disagreements/arguments. I would rather resolve things as soon as possible. She will put up a front, and be quite blunt, not really saying much. Will often respond with "OK" or "Everything's fine" when it isn't.

 

My previous partner seemed to calm down once I'd given her a cuddle, so that is what I am used to doing. When my current girlfriend is angry or annoyed, she doesn't seem to want me near her and so I find it difficult to resolve things.

 

You cannot force someone to resolve issues on the spot if they're uncomfortable to do so. After trying many times trying this with her, aren't you noticing it's not working? then why keep on trying to impose this on her?

 

Let her leave. Don't follow her around, stay put on your couch. By following her around and trying to convince her to stay you are only throwing fuel on the fire. She needs space, give it to her. When someone wants to be alone and we don't listen to them all we do is push them even further away.

 

*I must just add that she will leave my house, and then I get anxious because she won't say "I'll talk to you when I calm down" or anything of that nature, and I will often try to stop her from leaving for that reason. Then she gets annoyed because she wants to leave, and I feel that is where we often clash.

 

Don't you believe in your relationship? Is your relationship so fragile that you believe deep down that if she doesn't say 'Talk later' she will disappear? If you do believe so then you don't have a relationship. When you're with someone you have to trust them and have trust in your relationship which means if they leave after a fight without a word they just need space and they will get back to you. You trust them they will.

 

Otherwise, we have fun together... I really just want the arguments to stop. Obviously if it is irreparable(sp?) that has to be dealt with, but I am trying everything in my power to stop it being the end.

 

No you're not trying everything in your power. What I am seeing is that you are trying everything in your power to ease your fears - not trying to fix the problem. If you really wanted to give a chance to this relationship you would listen to HER need, as of now all you listen to is YOURS.

 

At this moment in time she seems fine having general chit chat, but when I start getting upset because she isn't being affectionate, that seems to be when she feels she can't carry on.

 

Stop <feeling upset>. Stop imposing your insecurity on her. Stop trying to make her love you when she needs time and space.

[PureAppleJuice]

You cannot force someone to resolve issues on the spot if they're uncomfortable to do so. After trying many times trying this with her, aren't you noticing it's not working? then why keep on trying to impose this on her?

 

Let her leave. Don't follow her around, stay put on your couch. By following her around and trying to convince her to stay you are only throwing fuel on the fire. She needs space, give it to her. When someone wants to be alone and we don't listen to them all we do is push them even further away.

 

 

 

Don't you believe in your relationship? Is your relationship so fragile that you believe deep down that if she doesn't say 'Talk later' she will disappear? If you do believe so then you don't have a relationship. When you're with someone you have to trust them and have trust in your relationship which means if they leave after a fight without a word they just need space and they will get back to you. You trust them they will.

 

 

 

No you're not trying everything in your power. What I am seeing is that you are trying everything in your power to ease your fears - not trying to fix the problem. If you really wanted to give a chance to this relationship you would listen to HER need, as of now all you listen to is YOURS.

 

 

 

Stop <feeling upset>. Stop imposing your insecurity on her. Stop trying to make her love you when she needs time and space.

 

 

Thank you for this reply. Today, we have been talking and I haven't been imposing my fears and insecurities onto her - I have kept the conversation light and small-talk like, and we have been talking all day. There is still a slightly awkward atmosphere, but we are talking.

 

What you're saying isn't wrong, a lot of it is about my fears.

 

When she leaves, I do worry because she has stated before that even if she is upset, her pride will stop her from contacting me or whatever. So I do worry. Because it isn't something I'm used to.

[Gaeta]

When she leaves, I do worry because she has stated before that even if she is upset, her pride will stop her from contacting me or whatever. So I do worry. Because it isn't something I'm used to.

 

She says that in the heat of the moment. She would think differently once she's calmed down. Don't you think she'd miss you as much as you miss her? Give her the opportunity to miss you and to realize how much she loves you. You're not allowing that to happen when you're chasing her down and clinging on her.

 

If EVER she would never contact you again then you've lost nothing. You don't want to be with someone who's heart is smaller than their ego.

[BlueBlood]

Having someone you value tell you they may never contact you again because their pride/or whatever wouldn't allow them to, is a rather nasty threat to have hanging over any relationship. That would give me pause, and a lot of it, we're my SO to announce that to me. Part of being close is letting down your walls, opening yourself to potential pain. Putting a knife to the neck of the relationship by threatening unannounced abandonment? I'd be really put off by that. Anyone Im in a relationship with, deserves closure, deserves to hear that I'm not just going to vanish with my pride > what we have built together. Just my thoughts on it.

 

As to your tactics, yeah, those have gotta change. You know that. Some people aren't cuddle types, some need space. It seems you do better with higher levels of touch and reassurance than your partner requires or feels comfortable with. That's ok. A lot of couples differ in that way. My SO is a hugger. I like verbal or written acts of affection. He often (barring a weird day schedule) in the morning has set the alarm 15 minutes early so he can wake up and ask me to spoon with him. It is what he enjoys as a way to start the day. Me? I love little texts/emails/calls that he sends with me back and forth as our day allows as a way to stay feeling close and snug.

 

She might have some ways you don't know about that say "love" to her that are totally different than you say love now. Assuming you both find it something to pursue at a later date, maybe learning each other's love language might soften the way you treasure and bond with one another. Each relationship is its own animal and speaks its own tongue.

 

As for now, where do you feel you are in terms of self esteem? How old are you both? What's been your most significant romantic relationship, and how does this one compare in length and intensity? What are your thoughts on being single? Does it terrify you to no end or is it totally acceptable in general?

[katiegrl]

OP, you said you have "mental health issues."

 

Are you seeking therapy and/or taking meds for these issues?

 

You sound extremely anxious, and I am guessing this anxiety adds to an already tenuous situation.

 

Like after a fight, when she wants to leave, you try and prevent her leaving, etc .

 

This isn't good. Find ways to alleviate your anxiety ...don't burden HER with that. It will turn her off and push her away.

 

I get anxious too (we all do to a certain extent). What works for me is yoga (calming) and running (releases endorphins).

[PureAppleJuice]

Having someone you value tell you they may never contact you again because their pride/or whatever wouldn't allow them to, is a rather nasty threat to have hanging over any relationship. That would give me pause, and a lot of it, we're my SO to announce that to me. Part of being close is letting down your walls, opening yourself to potential pain. Putting a knife to the neck of the relationship by threatening unannounced abandonment? I'd be really put off by that. Anyone Im in a relationship with, deserves closure, deserves to hear that I'm not just going to vanish with my pride > what we have built together. Just my thoughts on it.

 

As to your tactics, yeah, those have gotta change. You know that. Some people aren't cuddle types, some need space. It seems you do better with higher levels of touch and reassurance than your partner requires or feels comfortable with. That's ok. A lot of couples differ in that way. My SO is a hugger. I like verbal or written acts of affection. He often (barring a weird day schedule) in the morning has set the alarm 15 minutes early so he can wake up and ask me to spoon with him. It is what he enjoys as a way to start the day. Me? I love little texts/emails/calls that he sends with me back and forth as our day allows as a way to stay feeling close and snug.

 

She might have some ways you don't know about that say "love" to her that are totally different than you say love now. Assuming you both find it something to pursue at a later date, maybe learning each other's love language might soften the way you treasure and bond with one another. Each relationship is its own animal and speaks its own tongue.

 

As for now, where do you feel you are in terms of self esteem? How old are you both? What's been your most significant romantic relationship, and how does this one compare in length and intensity? What are your thoughts on being single? Does it terrify you to no end or is it totally acceptable in general?

 

Right now, I think I am at a normal level of self-esteem. I am 31 and she is 28. My last relationship left quite a dent on me, as it ended badly and left me with a lot of scars. I would rather not be single, as I have always wanted to settle down and to me, that is a goal that is as important as it to others to say, find a career. I am capable of being on my own, I have done several times. But I find myself much more content being with someone, being part of a little world etc. I would rather not be single. I don't really like it, to be honest. I prefer to be in a relationship.

 

I think what people are saying on here has helped a lot, I do need to learn to handle things in a different way.

 

I guess the other thing I'm afraid of is that she is still alternating between being with me and then not - obviously if she is unhappy, she doesn't have to stay with me. I think what I desire here is a form of certainty, and things are very uncertain, right now. I often wake up to a message from her, breaking things off. Then we will talk, and she'll take it back.

 

I feel like she does love me, but is confused. I don't know. I am not very good at understanding these things. If she wanted to end it, would she not have done so already? Especially as a "no-nonsense" type of person?

[PureAppleJuice]

OP, you said you have "mental health issues."

 

Are you seeking therapy and/or taking meds for these issues?

 

You sound extremely anxious, and I am guessing this anxiety adds to an already tenuous situation.

 

Like after a fight, when she wants to leave, you try and prevent her leaving, etc .

 

This isn't good. Find ways to alleviate your anxiety ...don't burden HER with that. It will turn her off and push her away.

 

I get anxious too (we all do to a certain extent). What works for me is yoga (calming) and running (releases endorphins).

 

 

Hi

 

I am currently on meds and awaiting therapy, yes. I run, too! I go as often as I can as it really does seem to help. I do suffer from anxiety, and it does make the situation worse - I know that.

 

Even now, when she's uncertain. I get anxious because she's not being affectionate and that's when she backs off.

[Satu]

Lets leave her out of this for a moment.

 

Do you know and use any self-calming/self-soothing behaviours, besides running?

 

We all need to have ways of modulating our feelings.

[PureAppleJuice]

Lets leave her out of this for a moment.

 

Do you know and use any self-calming/self-soothing behaviours, besides running?

 

We all need to have ways of modulating our feelings.

 

No, I don't really know of any. I struggle with self-soothing.

[Redhead14]

Right now, I think I am at a normal level of self-esteem. I am 31 and she is 28. My last relationship left quite a dent on me, as it ended badly and left me with a lot of scars. I would rather not be single, as I have always wanted to settle down and to me, that is a goal that is as important as it to others to say, find a career. I am capable of being on my own, I have done several times. But I find myself much more content being with someone, being part of a little world etc. I would rather not be single. I don't really like it, to be honest. I prefer to be in a relationship.

 

I think what people are saying on here has helped a lot, I do need to learn to handle things in a different way.

 

I guess the other thing I'm afraid of is that she is still alternating between being with me and then not - obviously if she is unhappy, she doesn't have to stay with me. I think what I desire here is a form of certainty, and things are very uncertain, right now. I often wake up to a message from her, breaking things off. Then we will talk, and she'll take it back.

 

I feel like she does love me, but is confused. I don't know. I am not very good at understanding these things. If she wanted to end it, would she not have done so already? Especially as a "no-nonsense" type of person?

 

 

If she wanted to end it, would she not have done so already? There are several possibilities for not ending it even if she really wanted to and none of them would be a "plus" for having a relationship with her. Her appearing to be no-nonsense while being non-sensical in her actions, indicates that the no-nonsense persona is a facade. Without knowing more about her history, I won't comment on possibilities. There isn't enough given here to even make an educated guess at his point.

 

I understand the stress you feel about this. You are confused because she is confusing. However, most people, would walk away from a situation like this. For you, I'd be concerned about developing a co-dependent relationship. But I find myself much more content being with someone, being part of a little world etc. -- This is fine, however, putting more effort into having that than they are willing or able to give and accepting that scenario at your own expense, is not going to make you content.

[PureAppleJuice]

If she wanted to end it, would she not have done so already? There are several possibilities for not ending it even if she really wanted to and none of them would be a "plus" for having a relationship with her. Her appearing to be no-nonsense while being non-sensical in her actions, indicates that the no-nonsense persona is a facade. Without knowing more about her history, I won't comment on possibilities. There isn't enough given here to even make an educated guess at his point.

 

I understand the stress you feel about this. You are confused because she is confusing. However, most people, would walk away from a situation like this. For you, I'd be concerned about developing a co-dependent relationship. But I find myself much more content being with someone, being part of a little world etc. -- This is fine, however, putting more effort into having that than they are willing or able to give and accepting that scenario at your own expense, is not going to make you content.

 

I realise that most people would walk away from this, and I have felt like it many times. And no, it won't make me content.

 

The only reason I persist with this is because we have been in a similar position before where she was saying that she couldn't get past something (I had in been touch with an ex -purely platonically - and she discovered this), and we did. Things did go back to normal. So that's why I'm still here.

[Redhead14]

I realise that most people would walk away from this, and I have felt like it many times. And no, it won't make me content.

 

The only reason I persist with this is because we have been in a similar position before where she was saying that she couldn't get past something (I had in been touch with an ex -purely platonically - and she discovered this), and we did. Things did go back to normal. So that's why I'm still here.

 

There is a book called "Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner. Pick up a copy, it will shed some light about unresolved anger in a relationship and some other things that may likely apply to this situation. It's written more from a woman's perspective, but the overall concept, is for both parties.

[PureAppleJuice]

There is a book called "Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner. Pick up a copy, it will shed some light about unresolved anger in a relationship and some other things that may likely apply to this situation. It's written more from a woman's perspective, but the overall concept, is for both parties.

 

I will get myself a copy of this; I've just Googled it and it seems to be something that could help.

[Satu]

No, I don't really know of any. I struggle with self-soothing.

 

There are many things you can do, but stretching and breathing are probably the best place to start.

 

Have you ever done any Yoga or Chi Kung?

 

 

Here's a little mindfulness exercise to try:

 

 

1. Sit down and close your eyes, and just mentally scan over your body, noticing any feelings or sensations there might be. Just notice how your body feels. If closing your eyes makes you feel edgy, do the exercise with your eyes open.

 

2. Just be with the feeling. Allow the feeling to be what it is, without resisting it. Be with yourself as you feel the feeling. After 2 minutes, slowly open your eyes, and go about your business.

 

Those two steps shouldn't to take more than 5 minutes.

 

The object of the exercise is to help you co-exist with your feelings.

 

Do it 2 or 3 times a day.

[BlueBlood]

Perhaps I'm wired weirdly but for me, if I had the hot and cold treatment from a partner (I'm breaking up with you, now I'm not) I think I'd have to walk away. I don't appreciate being someone's yo-yo; its anxiety producing and would bruise my self esteem. Am I not good enough for this person to just talk to? Why are they flip flopping? What's tomorrow going to bring? Talk about walking on eggshells! I don't think I'd let this go on. If I was told "Im leaving you" well, ok. Leave. I might be lonely but at least I won't be a wreck of what ifs! You want to be in a little world and with someone and that's totally understandable! Just maybe this person isn't the one to invest your heart in if it keeps happening and looking over the relationship?

 

I know in anger and frustration I've said things I really regret. We all do. But this seems to be a theme in your relationship as it stands now, from what I am reading. It all sounds very painful and like a whirlwind.

[Eighty_nine]

Right now, I think I am at a normal level of self-esteem. I am 31 and she is 28. My last relationship left quite a dent on me, as it ended badly and left me with a lot of scars. I would rather not be single, as I have always wanted to settle down and to me, that is a goal that is as important as it to others to say, find a career. I am capable of being on my own, I have done several times. But I find myself much more content being with someone, being part of a little world etc. I would rather not be single. I don't really like it, to be honest. I prefer to be in a relationship.

 

 

I guess the other thing I'm afraid of is that she is still alternating between being with me and then not - obviously if she is unhappy, she doesn't have to stay with me. I think what I desire here is a form of certainty, and things are very uncertain, right now. I often wake up to a message from her, breaking things off. Then we will talk, and she'll take it back.

 

I feel like she does love me, but is confused. I don't know. I am not very good at understanding these things. If she wanted to end it, would she not have done so already? Especially as a "no-nonsense" type of person?

 

This is abusive behavior in my opinion. My ex used to do this to me, I felt just to upset and manipulate me, and keep me clinging to his every whim. That isn't OK.