soulmate66 Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 Let's just say that the love we shared was very intense and we experienced love at first sight besides other characteristics that tend to fall into the soulmate category. We had a psychic connection which came to play tragically in the end when I knew it was over before it was over. I made her the meaning of my existence. She was and probably still is my ideal woman physically and mentally. The unfortunate thing is that my life hasn't been that stable in the past couple of years and she needed to break it off for herself. Now the reason I am writing this thread is that we had initially agreed to stay friends and it was going well for a couple of days. One day I was prescribed benzos to deal with the constant panic attacks and she didn't believe me (she assumed I got them illicitly) and said she needed more space. I then made a horrible decision to get black out drunk. In my manic rage which I can only describe as a full psychotic episode, I wrote out the most hateful, vitriolic diatribe (without using curse words or name calling) imaginable which I said was a curse...now that is complete drivel of course. Anyway I freaked her out because some of the intimations in my language. I really showed her! She went NC like nobody's business changing her phone number and blocking me on all social media sites. I was so lost that I told a mutual friend that I had cheated on her once also during a blackout. I have been working on staying sober now that it ruined the most important thing in my life thus far. I am simply so disgusted with myself that I cannot even express it. I believe now that my one act of infidelity hit me so hard that I tried to make it disappear out of guilt by numbing myself. I will never forgive myself for it. I thought that there was an unwritten law that a man gets to have one time before they get married to make sure they were making the right decision. I don't know where I got the idea, but if you think you found your soulmate, it's better not to mess with the gods of love. I know we will never get back together (I really don't know that), even though I can still sense her feelings, which I would rather not right now because it's like a wall of hate. She isn't thinking about me at all and I am an obsessive-compulsive, so you probably get the picture. The thing that I want more than anything in the world right now is to have a normal conversation with her. It is definitely too soon and I haven't been respecting the boundaries that she has set between us. So I am basically still digging a hole deeper and making it less likely and extending the time-period that she needs (if she ever decides she wants to speak to me again). I am literally besides myself with grief. I have received psychological help as well as being hospitalized. I have done so much research on suicide that my plan is (hopefully was) perfect and simple. I am likely not going to do it since we are in week 10-11. The urge is strong and unfortunately I am a romantic and impulsive poet so it's not that unlikely. Still no...I am a total mess I stay in bed all day and finally started to eat normally recently. I struggle to accomplish the simplest of tasks. There is literally zero motivation for me to do anything. When I take a shower or brush my teeth I have to congratulate myself. If I leave the house it is a miracle. My cat whom I love dearly is dying and I am too absorbed in my own suffering to spend time with her. They put me on so many meds and on the highest dosages (if only I was on them during the relationship it would've been fine) I should be manic right now but I still cry every night. Just as a little side-note the only other "real" relationship that I was in lasted 9 months and that was in high school. It was very intense on both sides...i guess I bring that quality out of my partner...when I was dumped I collapsed in on myself. I didn't get over it for 2 years and I actually don't think I have gotten over it still. My recent girlfriend (fiancee as well but it's complicated) and I had agreed to stay friends so that she could help me through this process. I am hopelessly co-dependent and in love with her so I thought if I was sober that it could work. Unfortunately, we should've waited a few months to lick our wounds. I spoke with her on a daily basis for a third of my life, so it's the most important thing to me right now. The connection I had with her is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I didn't have a plan b because I thought we were going to get married. That is another factor in why it fell apart; I became too complacent and self-absorbed to realize how she was doing. I recently dug out some old notes she wrote me: what they contained were the most passionate and sweetest words of purest devotion and love. I guess what I am trying to say is that this wasn't a relationship that most people get to experience in a lifetime and I blew it. I seriously doubt either of us will love someone the same way, though we will be happier having learned so many lessons. Is there any chance that we will speak or meet again in the future? I know that there is no way of knowing because you don't know her. I also know that my intentions may not be pure since I am still in love. She is not the most forgiving person, unfortunately but also we went through A LOT: much joy and tears. The general consensus is I will speak to her, but I need to change from the person I am now, otherwise it will never happen, because as she told me herself: she would love for me to get my **** together. My estimation time-wise for speaking again is in the years not months based on how well I know her. I have heard all the cliched advice and responses from friends and family so please don't tell me: you just have to move on etc...I have been scouring forums and psychology sites for answers so I have a of what the typical response is going to be. And let me tell you I am not looking forward to most of them because I have a bad feeling I know what most people are going to say. However, if the soulmate theory is correct I believe that Fate will have our lives intersect again in a different way. I don't think people should block out the past because it shaped who they are and will be...memories are precious. She is definitely doing it now to protect herself. There is nothing I can do but I cannot and will not let go for some time, it's just not in my nature. I love unconditionally and there is no turning back from that. I pray and meditate on this issue a lot. There is no sense in torturing myself but I do it anyway. What are my chances of there being a reunion? if yes, then how many months or years? I nurtured her from the beginning of the relationship, she was young and inexperienced, and I helped her self-image and communication issues. I taught her to accept her body for being beautiful and desirable to me and others. It took years to get her out of this self-hating funk--for her to love herself--I just never taught myself that lesson. I would gladly help her again. I didn't take advantage of her nor was there anything resembling emotional or mental abuse except in the 2nd to last year when I blacked out. There is no excuse for that, and I hope that she knows it had nothing to do with her, she got caught in the crossfire. In the past year, besides the post breakup episodes, I have remained sober, so it that was no longer an issue in the relationship. But it was... I feel like without me she wouldn't be as empowered as she is today. Towards the end as I lost my grip on sanity and I doubt she will ever remember all the good things that happened.
casey.lives Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you it was yours to keep, if it doesn't, it wasn't. It sounds like maybe your relationship ran it's course. Codependents like to keep people dependent on them to feel themselves "love". You describe yourself as helpful and like it's how you wish to be remembered. When the nurse heals the patient the patient leaves. It's the classic relational dance of codependents. I recommend not going into love to help someone; just go in it to love them.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 It's impossible for anyone here to say if or when she will come back. So we can't give you any estimation for the number of months or years. She might speak to you again at some point, but it doesn't sound as though reconciliation is in the cards. I think this was a toxic situation for both of you and it sounds like you have a lot of personal demons you need to work on. And never underestimate the pain even one infidelity can cause. But I don't think it was just that. Also, her assumption that you obtained pills illegally suggests you have had substance abuse problems. You said that you are sober now - from alcohol? Drugs? Addiction is very difficult for loved ones. Are you currently in any type of therapy? I read that you have received psychological help and medication, but are you in counseling now? If so, your counselor would be much better-qualified to help you work through this. If you're not, I would strongly recommend that you find a good therapist you feel you can trust. Stop reading old love notes. They were written at a different time and do not reflect her current feelings. Also, why rub salt in the wounds? You need to focus on getting yourself healthy. She isn't part of that equation, nor should she be. You need the support of an objective third party who can concentrate on your physical and psychological well-being.
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