Guyouthere Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 So i met this girl online,,, accidentally… I am older, she is younger, a lot younger. She was in a situation where I helped her with a major life changing event,,, a serious one,, and I was the only one there for her, and basically saved her life too. We talked for months, I went overseas to see her. I had known since I met her that she had been in an abusive relationship, she had just broken up with him after he tried to kill her even. We talked for month, still do.. I realize she has to get a new life in order. She has also been emotionally scarred by what her dad did to her. When I went to see her, she basically told me she was disappointed in me, yet said she loves how I am. She said I suck in bed, compared me to her past experiences. I gave her a lot of loving, attention, caring, which she liked. She does miss it now that I am back here. She tells me one day she wants me there, wants to come here, then changes there ideas the next. Back and forth. She tells me she is still in love with her ex who she says she is just about over with now. I also sent her money for basic supplies, and left her clothes too. I don't want to push her, basically sis all, she said she wants space now. I told her I wanted to date others. Mistake or the right thing?
ExpatInItaly Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 How is this even a question? Of course you did the right thing. Stop sending her money too. I have a feeling that's where her sudden sweet sentiments come from. She doesn't sound as though she even really likes you.
Toodaloo Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 This girl has poop'ed all over you. Don't even look back.
Zippy2000 Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 I truly hope you are not being scammed. Look after yourself and not anyone in another country who has no relation with you what so ever. Cut all ties and focus on yourself and what you can do by helping others at a volunteer service or even donate to an animal shelter.
Buddhist Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 (edited) Dude, if you have to ask, you may be as messed up as she is. Walk away misery loves company. Find a kitten or dog to rescue. It will actually love you back. Edited September 10, 2015 by Buddhist 1
Author Guyouthere Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 (edited) Its not a case of using me directly. She is just really mixed up, al that she has been through recently, also abuse and relationship issues. She keeps telling me that she has to heal, but yet comes out with those things like I said that really cut me down, which I can admit I can do better with myself. The question is should I just let her clean her own baggage up, give it time, or simply let her go altogether. Its not a scam, I did visit her and she cried in my arms, she is just not stable herself. Its obvious she can't handle a loving relationship, at least right now. That is why I am just debating. I don't want to make any hasty decisions based on emotions. I'd rather make them on facts. Edited September 10, 2015 by Guyouthere
jen1447 Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 Some ppl exploit others without necessarily really 'meaning' to. Whether she's evil at the core or not, it sounds like you're still being taken advantage of and that she's dismissive of your well-being. 1
Author Guyouthere Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 Evidently I care too much about people and this is what happens….. It's quite obvious that she is oblivious to my feelings,.. At least I'm seeing that now. Should I just keep distance and not cut all ties or just get out of it altogether you think? It's going back and forth in my head. I simply don't know if I should just have patience or not. She said she needs my patience and time. Her friends have told her that if I loved her I would do that, and I do believe that to be true. I'm really torn with this all.
jen1447 Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 Are you ok with being a low priority for her, sort of a second class citizen?
Author Guyouthere Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 (edited) No of course not. I am compassionate and the fact she has so much on her plate does factor in to how I feel about her. Overall she is very mixed up, just a major disruption in her life, so I have been very patient and accepted some of the way she acts (for that reason). I don't think there is any question that she has true feelings for me, but coming from an unstable mind at the moment, she is all over the place. So the question is stay or go given all of the circumstances. It isn't a normal situation. Edited September 10, 2015 by Guyouthere
clam Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 She told you that you "suck in bed"???? Sayonara, little wench! Please walk away from this. This is far from normal. She is a psycho-bully and you are codependent.
kendahke Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 Cut her loose. Be done with that kind of rubbish.
kendahke Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 No of course not. I am compassionate and the fact she has so much on her plate does factor in to how I feel about her. Overall she is very mixed up, just a major disruption in her life, so I have been very patient and accepted some of the way she acts (for that reason). I don't think there is any question that she has true feelings for me, but coming from an unstable mind at the moment, she is all over the place. So the question is stay or go given all of the circumstances. It isn't a normal situation. She's a jerk who said you can't eff. There is no need to go any further with her. She'd rather have her ex beating the tar out of her in exchange for access to good sex--if you can't see how messed up that is... Let her go work out her issues on her own. She wont' appreciate you helping and besides, this heavy lifting isn't for you to bother with: it's her burden to sort. If her life is messy, then she needs to clean up the mess. I vote GO.
jen1447 Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 No of course not. I am compassionate and the fact she has so much on her plate does factor in to how I feel about her. Overall she is very mixed up, just a major disruption in her life, so I have been very patient and accepted some of the way she acts (for that reason). I don't think there is any question that she has true feelings for me, but coming from an unstable mind at the moment, she is all over the place. So the question is stay or go given all of the circumstances. It isn't a normal situation. You obvs know her better than any of us do but my opinion is you'd have to resign yourself to low priority/second class status to have a relationship with her. That's a question only you can answer, like you say.
Siquijor Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 Just because it wasn't a scam initially doesn't mean she won't use you for her own needs from this point onwards. Also, the amount of baggage she has isn't worth the bother. She's mixed up and now you're mixed up. Do you see a pattern emerging? Think of yourself here and walk away.
empresario Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 Regardless if she was used, abused, beaten, whatever...she is doing the same to you. One wrong does not validate another. Have some self-respect and get out of that. You're better than all of this.
Author Guyouthere Posted September 11, 2015 Author Posted September 11, 2015 Why I told her I wanted to date others, and I will now given the chance. Overall I feel if the relationship is meant to be later, it will come, once she realizes it all and gets her life in order. I realize she isn't relationship material right now, she does as well. You guys do offer great advice, I can see the consensus here is that I should just let her be, and so I will. I did write her today, which she did not respond, but the chat does show on its own that she read them. I'm not writing again, just waiting to see what she does next, if anything.
Author Guyouthere Posted September 11, 2015 Author Posted September 11, 2015 well i got to speak to her… she said i hurt her buy telling her i wanted to date others when I didn't give her enough time to heal from her ex and her other issues. Overall she said she wants to focus on herself now, didnt want to discount us in the future, just doesn't want to date anyone at the moment. She did tell me that she put up a wall now between us, but that she would "get over it" as time went on, so sort of a slip there? Opinions on this all? She did say too that she doesn't care if I do date others. I still figure what will eventually be will be. I don't know what to make of all of this right now.
jen1447 Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 What's to make? It all is what it is, so go date others. 1
kendahke Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 well i got to speak to her… she said i hurt her buy telling her i wanted to date others when I didn't give her enough time to heal from her ex and her other issues. Overall she said she wants to focus on herself now, didnt want to discount us in the future, just doesn't want to date anyone at the moment. She did tell me that she put up a wall now between us, but that she would "get over it" as time went on, so sort of a slip there? Opinions on this all? She did say too that she doesn't care if I do date others. I still figure what will eventually be will be. I don't know what to make of all of this right now. You don't need her permission to get on with your life. Here's the thing: don't start dating anyone else, using them as a placeholder for when this chick ever gets her life together. It would be patently unfair to that person to be used in such a manner. They deserve 100% of your focus on them, not 30% focus and 70% wishing on an ex. That's just plain messy.
Maggie4 Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 Obviously this arrangement fills some of your needs. You have to ask yourself, are you happy with your life, or are there some issues that make you gravitate towards this. Examples: feeling unappreciated at work, but helping someone like her makes you feel needed, etc. (just random example). But I think you are getting something in return, and giving someone money means power. Just because she's been through a lot of troubles in her life, doesn't mean she is a nice person.
Author Guyouthere Posted September 12, 2015 Author Posted September 12, 2015 (edited) She called me last night and we had a long talk about a lot of things. Overall she has drifted away and seems extremely confused,,, wants to focus on her life, now says things like she wants me to move there, but without a relationship. I just feel like…… Stay in contact with her, be her friend, yet not pass up any other opportunities that come along, as I see that its the best option now. Perhaps she just needs to realize what she has with me. I'm thinking just not be as available as I was. I believe sometimes we don't know what we really have until it goes away, at least for a bit. Edited September 12, 2015 by Guyouthere
jen1447 Posted September 12, 2015 Posted September 12, 2015 now says things like she wants me to move there, but without a relationship. Seriously? Wow, I have to admit she has gigantic balls to say sth like that. I'm sorry Guy but ....there's just nothing there for you. 1
Author Guyouthere Posted September 12, 2015 Author Posted September 12, 2015 I think a more serious question is why I get caught up with this when I see so many women out there who I know want a good guy like I am. I'm very stable, have a job, good looking, know how to have a solid relationship, had them before, parents married over 50 year, I never abuse women, never would, and so on. What I do believe is that I am a treasure that perhaps God is saving me up for for that woman who will know she has a jewel with me, and claim her prize. So far its obvious that has yet to happen. Not desperate, but disappointed when I see so many horror stories out there… women beaten, abused, unhappy this, unhappy that, etc. I know what I have to giver, and it is a lot.
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