Shining One Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 It's time for him to step up again, and do his part too.... 50/50. Not 5/95. That's not right either.It's neither 50/50 nor 5/95. It's 5/95 if only the last week is considered. You can't simply not count a month. If he initiated the vast majority of August and she initiates the vast majority of September, then it will be roughly 50/50. 1
Leigh 87 Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 And I don't think you should have to talk about being exclusive. In Australia it's ludicrous to even have to have that conversation... Here, of you're really into someone, you just don't date other people. Plain and simple. 1
katiegrl Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 Ok this was vital information. I bet this Sunday thing is definitely influencing his current behavior. And how he is portraying the relationship to his friends is how you should treat and then decide what you want to do. If someone says your relationship is nothing, then don't pull tighter or argue. Show with your actions that doesn't work for you. The wording is such that he IS stringing you along at the moment so don't accept his second best. Just because someone couldn't be dating anyone else, doesn't mean they are fully on-board and available and willing to move forward with you. Arggh, my friend has the perfect saying she says for this and it's escaping me. If I think of it, I'll post it. I think in the argument, he made it seem like it wasn't still lingering but it is. I'd pull back and not be so available to someone who adamantly said he wasn't in a relationship with me. Ok, figure it out then buddy, I'm going to do my thing. Over the years two guys have done that to me and I broke it off with each one of them. It wasn't even harsh the way they said it or to a group of people in my cases. The second one was blowing up my phone all day long and then when he categorized it like that, "not in a relationship", I didn't waste my time getting mad. I laughed at him and teased him why does he call me all day long then and we go out about 4 nights a week, he was using up too much of my time. It was so stupid since in reality he was sure acting like a boyfriend--more than I was even ready for. I thought about it over night and broke up (off) with him the next day. After a tiny break, he was back and didn't make that mistake again. It's funny we are still friends today (broke up later for other reasons) and now when he talks about the time we were together that moment stands out to him in a good way. I'm not saying the same would happen if you did the same thing. I just wasn't going to let him have gf access to me if he wasn't calling me his gf. It was ridiculous and I dropped him for the arrogance and self-centeredness of it. Basically, well I'm not going to waste so much of my time giving it to you then. Also since the reality I was experiencing didn't match with how he saw us labeled, it didn't make sense for me to invest more in that way at that time. I'm not even into labels but we he said we WEREN'T something it didn't sit well with me. I don't remember how it came up even but I remember it wasn't a discussion of where we stood or anything like that, it was just something said in passing while we were in a conversation not relevant to anything really. I'm like, errrrr, wait, back up. And there you go. The first one said something similar when I was inquiring about what we were and the answer wasn't sufficient for me in the face of how we were spending time together---didn't seem like we were not in a relationship! I thought about it for a couple of days and broke it off with him and had a new bf the next week, week and a half. I wasn't even trying to find someone new. I just was out with friends and he scooped me up and didn't stall on making sure he didn't lose me. Hey, that's what happens. You have to do what you know is best for you. Don't let yourself be strung along or mistreated with your actions. ^^^Great post Versace .... +1000! 1
Versacehottie Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 Oh yes I forgot to say that the first guy was dumbfounded when he discovered I had a new bf. I guess he thought he had more time to figure it out. He might have had a way back in if I hadn't met the new bf but the point is I did not put my life on hold or turn down other opportunities once he "told" me where he stood. I didn't believe him and it didn't match with my experience with him but that he was hesitating wasn't good enough for me. Don't waste time trying to argue or change their minds, just keep your life moving in direction you want it to go 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 (edited) I said during this conversation on sunday, while he told me how he tells his friends we're not in a relationship and he doesn't want to rush into something, that if that's the case, I should probably see other men. He just looked at me, "You'd do that just to hurt me?" Like he won't step up to the plate and ask me to be exclusive with him, and he won't date anyone else either, but he also doesn't want me to date anyone else. How is that fair? I was angry enough during our conversation on Sunday I wanted to go home and download Tinder. I think you have your answer right here. He knows you want more than he is willing to give right now (fair enough) and he might not be too happy with you either. Look, you two are not on the same page at the moment. He is resisting, you are trying to move forward. I think he is in fact taking a big step back now. You should be doing the same. Sorry, OP. Edited September 10, 2015 by ExpatInItaly 1
Author EastCoastKassie Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 I also love your post Versace! So I finally heard from him late last night. And he apologized for not texting me much lately, and asked if I had plans for lunch today. I told him I didnt, so he said he wanted to meet for lunch (theres a cool outdoor spot to eat near my work where I frequently pack my lunch to).. So today I meet him there, and after about 15 minutes he announces that he "totally forgot but his friend (SEE THE PERPETUAL 3RD WHEEL thread--same guy) asked him last week to give him a ride after class today, and he just this mornong remembered. And oh he needs the ride in 15 mins." Im like..and you couldn't have just texted me and told me that this morning and I would have made other lunch plans? So he spent 20 minutes with me, and then left, and now im sitting here with half a lunch break and nothing to do because wasted it. He als told me, "im sorry I won't get to see you much the rest of this week or weekend". I know his brother who's in the military is coming back to town for the weekend, so I expectcted as much, but it was just like a rub.
kendahke Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 I HATE having to initiate texting with a man--especially at the beginning. I feel how much they text you on their own is a very good gauge of how much they're into you. He may be thinking the same thing about you. Have you considered that? He's not taking like taking 20 units of labs or something. My point is maybe he met someone in class?? He might have. Or he might be at a point with you that he doesn't feel it's necessary to blow up your phone since you're not showing any initiative to reciprocate in the same measure as him with regards to texting. I decided today to not text him. It's 7:30 at night here and I haven't heard from him once. And he only had one class today, so it's not like he's been in class all day and DOESNT have that much homework yet. This is game playing and it's unnecessary. ASK HIM why he's pulled back on the texting--it is something that you want to know and only he can tell you what the score is on this. He might have homework or assignments that he hasn't shared with you--you wouldn't know because you won't contact him. Something inside me says this is a huge red flag. Thoughts? Advice? Or am I just being paranoid? We're both in our mid 20s I think the red flag is the fact that you're more ready to play a game than you are to get clear on intention.
katiegrl Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 (edited) I also love your post Versace! So I finally heard from him late last night. And he apologized for not texting me much lately, and asked if I had plans for lunch today. I told him I didnt, so he said he wanted to meet for lunch (theres a cool outdoor spot to eat near my work where I frequently pack my lunch to).. So today I meet him there, and after about 15 minutes he announces that he "totally forgot but his friend (SEE THE PERPETUAL 3RD WHEEL thread--same guy) asked him last week to give him a ride after class today, and he just this mornong remembered. And oh he needs the ride in 15 mins." Im like..and you couldn't have just texted me and told me that this morning and I would have made other lunch plans? So he spent 20 minutes with me, and then left, and now im sitting here with half a lunch break and nothing to do because wasted it. He als told me, "im sorry I won't get to see you much the rest of this week or weekend". I know his brother who's in the military is coming back to town for the weekend, so I expectcted as much, but it was just like a rub. As if his behavior isn't strange enough....what I am wondering is why did he wait 15 minutes into the lunch to tell you this? Did he want to wait to see if he was having a good time first, and if not, then tell you he has to leave in 15? Or did he "just" remember the moment he told you, 15 minutes into the lunch? I think that is really really bizzare! Combined with announcing he can't see you the rest of the week or this weekend.... .these are red flags that should not be ignored IMO. Something is definitely going on.... if it were me I would just flat out ask him. ... or just pull back yourself.... or both. Or just assume he has lost interest..and walk away quietly (which is what I would do). This stuff should not be happening after only one month of dating... imo. Edited September 10, 2015 by katiegrl
Redhead14 Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 I've been dating this guy a month. It's not exclusive, but I know he ISNT seeing anyone else (how do I know? He readily volunteers this info on a weekly basis), and I'm not either. All of August, he couldn't get enough of texting me--I would sometimes get 5-10 texts at a time before I'd even have time to respond. I'm not a big phone person, but I am responsive enough, especially with people close to me. And then last week...it was like a switch flipped. Something changed literally overnight. He now no longer texts good morning. No random text during the day. No text to see how work was even, any more. Occasionally, he'll text me first. But it's rare. I HATE having to initiate texting with a man--especially at the beginning. I The weird part is Ive asked him if everything is okay, and he says yes. And when Im with him, he's fine--affectionate, attentive, the same as always maybe even more so. The other part is classes started last week--im done with undergrad but he's still finishing up. He's not taking like taking 20 units of labs or something. My point is maybe he met someone in class?? I decided today to not text him. It's 7:30 at night here and I haven't heard from him once. And he only had one class today, so it's not like he's been in class all day and DOESNT have that much homework yet. Something inside me says this is a huge red flag. Thoughts? Advice? Or am I just being paranoid? We're both in our mid 20s I HATE having to initiate texting with a man--especially at the beginning -- It needs to be balanced a little better at least. He's doing 5 to 10 texts on his own, that's a lot. You should initiate some at least. If he feels like he's doing all the work, he's gonna think you're not that interested either. He's thinking the same thing you are . . . feel how much they text you on their own is a very good gauge of how much they're into you. And, the texts should be light, and never initiating a date by you this early. IN other words, initiating some texts is good, initiating dates not. Since you are where you are with this though, don't reach out to him any more. If he was serious enough, he will wonder where you are. And he only had one class today, so it's not like he's been in class all day and DOESNT have that much homework yet.-- This is what I call, stalking a man in your mind. Thinking/knowing his schedule and assuming /expecting him to use his spare time for you when it's so early in the dating scenario. Let him come to you. If he goes a few more days without contacting you, you can assume he's moved on.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 His biggest thing that's really hurting me, is he has a VERY CLOSE circle of friends, and he makes sure to regularly update them when they ask how we are, with "OH, WE'RE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP." Could the man be any more clear? How in the world does a man say, "We're not in a relationship," and a woman interprets that to mean, "I might want a relationship with you someday"? If a man really likes you and has his head on halfway straight, he will happily introduce you to his friends as his girlfriend, or at least let them draw their own conclusions, rather than waving a flag around about how you're NOT A COUPLE. This is far more significant than the texting. But combine what he said with what he's doing (not doing) and you have a guy who obviously isn't that into you. I'm sorry, but you'll be better off without this guy. 4
katiegrl Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 I also love your post Versace! So I finally heard from him late last night. And he apologized for not texting me much lately, and asked if I had plans for lunch today. I told him I didnt, so he said he wanted to meet for lunch (theres a cool outdoor spot to eat near my work where I frequently pack my lunch to).. So today I meet him there, and after about 15 minutes he announces that he "totally forgot but his friend (SEE THE PERPETUAL 3RD WHEEL thread--same guy) asked him last week to give him a ride after class today, and he just this mornong remembered. And oh he needs the ride in 15 mins." Im like..and you couldn't have just texted me and told me that this morning and I would have made other lunch plans? So he spent 20 minutes with me, and then left, and now im sitting here with half a lunch break and nothing to do because wasted it. He als told me, "im sorry I won't get to see you much the rest of this week or weekend". I know his brother who's in the military is coming back to town for the weekend, so I expectcted as much, but it was just like a rub. Just re-read this post again, and something struck out at me that didn't before. The bolded -- so he apologized, but did he give you a reason why he stopped texting - or cut back on the texting? Did you ask? I dunno, I am so direct...when I was dating... if a guy said something like that to me .... I would ASK.... I like to cut to the chase so I don't walk away confused and can make the right decisions... based on what he communicates to me. Why are people so afraid to ask the hard questions? Maybe not out of the blue, but when a guy make a comment like that... such a leading statement....would it not make sense to follow through and ask why he's pulled back on the texting? So you're not left wondering and guessing what his reasons are? Anyhoo.... I'm sorry. It sucks to like someone and have them pull back like this.
Author EastCoastKassie Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 Did you ask? I dunno, I am so direct...when I was dating... if a guy said something like that to me .... I would ASK.... I like to cut to the chase so I don't walk away confused and can make the right decisions... based on what he communicates to me. Why are people so afraid to ask the hard questions? Maybe not out of the blue, but when a guy make a comment like that... such a leading statement....would it not make sense to follow through and ask why he's pulled back on the texting? So you're not left wondering and guessing what his reasons are? Anyhoo.... I'm sorry. It sucks to like someone and have them pull back like this. I DID ask. Point blank. And he had no reason. Or at least none he would share. I also am a blunt, straightforward person--I would rather get an answer i don't like, than have no answer at all and be left in the dark. I have no problem with talking about tough issues. Skirting them will only lead to heartache later. And I think the only reason he even announced needing to leave to get the friend when he did, was because I mentioned the friend fleetingly, and he responded with, "well...funny story..." I should add i work in academia--and where I work is immeadiately adjacent to the building the majority of the friend's classes are in. So I almost feel like he KNEW when he asked me to lunch, and only asked me to lunch because the proximity would be conveinent for picking the friend up.
katiegrl Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 I DID ask. Point blank. And he had no reason. Or at least none he would share. I also am a blunt, straightforward person--I would rather get an answer i don't like, than have no answer at all and be left in the dark. I have no problem with talking about tough issues. Skirting them will only lead to heartache later. And I think the only reason he even announced needing to leave to get the friend when he did, was because I mentioned the friend fleetingly, and he responded with, "well...funny story..." I should add i work in academia--and where I work is immeadiately adjacent to the building the majority of the friend's classes are in. So I almost feel like he KNEW when he asked me to lunch, and only asked me to lunch because the proximity would be conveinent for picking the friend up. Follow your gut here. You are getting lots of bad vibes from this guy based on his recent behavior (the bolded isn't the first one). I am a huge believer in following one's gut instincts.... unfortunately many peeps dismiss their intuition because acting on it would mean walking away from something they are not yet ready to walk away from.... Only to discover later their gut instincts were right on, and they should have just walked away as soon as they felt something was "off." Especially so early on, like only a month of dating. If it was a long term relationship, then obviously you would not want to just walk away based on a gut feeling.... but in your case.... yeah cut your losses (is that the right expression?) and..... Next him. IMO of course. Just too weird.
Lois_Griffin Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 I also love your post Versace! So I finally heard from him late last night. And he apologized for not texting me much lately, and asked if I had plans for lunch today. I told him I didnt, so he said he wanted to meet for lunch (theres a cool outdoor spot to eat near my work where I frequently pack my lunch to).. So today I meet him there, and after about 15 minutes he announces that he "totally forgot but his friend (SEE THE PERPETUAL 3RD WHEEL thread--same guy) asked him last week to give him a ride after class today, and he just this mornong remembered. And oh he needs the ride in 15 mins." Im like..and you couldn't have just texted me and told me that this morning and I would have made other lunch plans? So he spent 20 minutes with me, and then left, and now im sitting here with half a lunch break and nothing to do because wasted it. He als told me, "im sorry I won't get to see you much the rest of this week or weekend". I know his brother who's in the military is coming back to town for the weekend, so I expectcted as much, but it was just like a rub. Ugh. If you were any LESS of a priority in this guy's life, he'd be in a coma. The writing is on the wall. Don't waste another minute of your time on this guy. 5
BlueBlood Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 Yeah, time to move on. I'm with Versace and Katie on this whole mess. They made amazing posts. We could debate for days on why this guy is doing what he is (or rather isn't) but it's not gonna help you feel better or change his behavior. Chalk it up to weirdness, insensitivity, a new girl or guy in his life, heck maybe Mercury is in retrograde? Either or, it sounds like you've done enough emotional gymnastics. Cease initiating contact and open your heart towards new blessings and enjoyable adventures. Good luck and his loss. 2
Author EastCoastKassie Posted September 11, 2015 Author Posted September 11, 2015 (edited) Yeah, time to move on. I'm with Versace and Katie on this whole mess. They made amazing posts. We could debate for days on why this guy is doing what he is (or rather isn't) but it's not gonna help you feel better or change his behavior. Chalk it up to weirdness, insensitivity, a new girl or guy in his life, heck maybe Mercury is in retrograde? Either or, it sounds like you've done enough emotional gymnastics. Cease initiating contact and open your heart towards new blessings and enjoyable adventures. Good luck and his loss. Thank you. I'm not ready to write him off yet, but I'm definitely done catering. This thread has made me realize it. I'm searching my gut feeling because I also believe you shouldn't override it, and it is telling me something is off right now. I don't know if that means losing interest, a problem with his family he won't tell me about, his brother coming to town for the first time in 6 months, or a "better" female he's met in his classes who's slowly replacing me. If I mean as much to him as he claims I do, he's going to have to prove it. He texted me after his abrupt exit from lunch (you know, like 3 hours later...) and was like, "thanks for the short lunch, I hope the rest of your day goes well". I didn't reply. That's a terminal sounding text (ie: when someone tells you have a good day or a good week, it's a good BYE/closure for now). I never replied. If I matter, he's going to have to prove it. Otherwise, I'm letting go. I don't have anyone else I want to go out with, but I haven't exactly been purposely availing myself to men lately--I'm not on OLD, tinder, etc. I haven't gone out to bars in ages. I haven't been trying to meet men. Because I've been happy enough with this guy. It's too bad he's deciding to change that. If I meet someone else at this point, I'd go out with them. I'm a college graduate, I have a career, I'm working on my master's, I'm attractive, I have (what I believe anyways) are interesting hobbies, and I shouldn't have to tolerate a man who's hot/cold or only sometimes into me. No woman should! Edited September 11, 2015 by EastCoastKassie 1
h0000 Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 Im very confused because didnt this guy already said you are not in a relationship? so why are you still asking why why why didnt he text you much?
ExpatInItaly Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 After this latest update....yeah. He's just not that into you. Time to move along.
Recommended Posts