He no longer initiates daily texting?

[EastCoastKassie]

I've been dating this guy a month. It's not exclusive, but I know he ISNT seeing anyone else (how do I know? He readily volunteers this info on a weekly basis), and I'm not either.

 

All of August, he couldn't get enough of texting me--I would sometimes get 5-10 texts at a time before I'd even have time to respond. I'm not a big phone person, but I am responsive enough, especially with people close to me.

And then last week...it was like a switch flipped. Something changed literally overnight. He now no longer texts good morning. No random text during the day. No text to see how work was even, any more. Occasionally, he'll text me first. But it's rare.

 

I HATE having to initiate texting with a man--especially at the beginning. I feel how much they text you on their own is a very good gauge of how much they're into you.

 

The weird part is Ive asked him if everything is okay, and he says yes. And when Im with him, he's fine--affectionate, attentive, the same as always maybe even more so.

The other part is classes started last week--im done with undergrad but he's still finishing up. He's not taking like taking 20 units of labs or something. My point is maybe he met someone in class??

 

I decided today to not text him. It's 7:30 at night here and I haven't heard from him once. And he only had one class today, so it's not like he's been in class all day and DOESNT have that much homework yet.

 

Something inside me says this is a huge red flag. Thoughts? Advice? Or am I just being paranoid? We're both in our mid 20s

Edited September 10, 2015 by EastCoastKassie

[Jacob_Duluoz]

He probably got tired of you not texting him back, figured you're not into him that much and now he's busy. Do you want a texting buddy or a boyfriend? If the later, strike while the iron is hot and claim him.

[jam.over.jelly]

Mmmmm I'd say there's nothing to worry about. I think you are being abit paranoid. How do i know? Cuz I'm the same way, lol! But it just seems like he wanted you to initiate sometimes, just to show him that you are indeed interested, and not just reply to his texts because you are polite. If you NEVER initiate, he most likely thinks your interest is low, and maybe even thinks he's bothering you, otherwise why would you never reach out to him first. Guys want to know if you are thinking about them as well.

[fitnessfan365]

I HATE having to initiate texting with a man--especially at the beginning. I feel how much they text you on their own is a very good gauge of how much they're into you.

 

You know..this works BOTH ways.

 

I mean you say how much a guy initiates shows how high his interest level is. But what does it say about a woman's interest level when she NEVER initiates? It's not solely up to a guy to always have to prove himself. It takes two to tango.

[Shining One]

I've been dating this guy a month.

I HATE having to initiate texting with a man--especially at the beginning.

How long is the "beginning" by your definition?

[Knight23]

He shouldn't have to initiate a text talk all the time either though. The guy probably assumes your interest in him isn't very high if you're just waiting for him to text first.

[travelbug1996]

He probably met someone else. In the beginning a guy that's really keen understands how important it is for him to show how genuinely interested he is.

 

Your job was to respond and be kind to him and you did that. Its not like you ignored his initiating.

 

A lot of men will come out the gate hot and then turn cold just to get you to start chasing them.

 

Don't do it. Move on. His loss.

[EastCoastKassie]

You know..this works BOTH ways.

 

I mean you say how much a guy initiates shows how high his interest level is. But what does it say about a woman's interest level when she NEVER initiates? It's not solely up to a guy to always have to prove himself. It takes two to tango.

 

But what if I'm the one who initiated contact on Saturday, Sunday AND Tuesday? Pretty sure I also initiated on Friday or Thursday too. My point is--I'm initiating the majority of our conversations in the last week. Which is just weird. I have to show SOME level of initiating--otherwise it would be rude, but it should be close to a split, maybe 60/40. And it's not even.

 

 

When he does text, I feel like he doesn't care as much as he did just a month or so ago. The texts are more curt and to the point--no pleasantries, etc.

But when I see him in person, it's as if nothing is going on. I saw him for a couple minutes last night, and he wanted to kiss me and be all over me, etc.

[EastCoastKassie]

Do you want a texting buddy or a boyfriend? If the later, strike while the iron is hot and claim him.

About that...

Item #2: It's only been a month, but he's not stepping up to the plate here to define the relationship. And I've made some comments. He's the one hesitating to commit to being boyfriend/girlfriend/exclusive to me.

[katiegrl]

Kassie, you said in your initial post "occasionally he will text me first, but it's rare."

 

Is it safe to assume then that YOU have been texting him first?

 

And that since he rarely, if ever, texts you first anymore, that you decided not to text him today (to see if he would text you first this time), and it's now night time and you have not heard from him all day?

 

Please clarify because it appears some posters believe you never initiate texting, but your initial post says otherwise.

Edited September 10, 2015 by katiegrl

[Jacob_Duluoz]

One month isn't really a longtime at all. If you've made some comments, what did you say? What response were you looking for? Is there a relationship outside of the phone?

[sandy123]

Kassie, you said in your initial post "occasionally he will text me first, but it's rare."

 

Is it safe to assume then that YOU have been texting him first?

 

And that since he rarely, if ever, texts you first anymore, that you decided not to text him today (to see if he would text you first this time), and it's now night time and you have not heard from him all day?

 

Please clarify because it appears some posters believe you never initiate texting, but your initial post says otherwise.

 

No, she stated that over the last week he has been initiating texts rarely.

[EastCoastKassie]

Kassie, you said in your initial post "occasionally he will text me first, but it's rare."

 

Is it safe to assume then that YOU have been texting him first?

 

And that since he rarely, if ever, texts you first anymore, that you decided not to text him today, and it's now night time and you have not heard from him all day?

 

Please clarify because it appears some posters believe you never initiate texting, but your initial post says otherwise.

 

 

Thank you for that, Katie. Yes. To clarify--In the last week, I've been the one doing the majority of the texting. I've been initiating it, as well. There's been a couple days it's been him, but not the majority.

 

 

And yes, it's now after 9 pm. And as an experiment, I haven't reached out today. And he hasn't texted. Not once. Even though I know all he had today was ONE class, he doesn't have that much homework yet, he's off work today, and he's very, VERY social--I know he's likely made time to hang out with friends. Which is all great! Except, if you genuinely "really liked me" why wouldn't you at least shoot me a 5 second text, especially because my lack of texting as never stopped you from sending 5 or more texts in a row rapid fire before?

[katiegrl]

Thank you for that, Katie. Yes. To clarify--In the last week, I've been the one doing the majority of the texting. I've been initiating it, as well. There's been a couple days it's been him, but not the majority.

 

 

And yes, it's now after 9 pm. And as an experiment, I haven't reached out today. And he hasn't texted. Not once. Even though I know all he had today was ONE class, he doesn't have that much homework yet, he's off work today, and he's very, VERY social--I know he's likely made time to hang out with friends. Which is all great! Except, if you genuinely "really liked me" why wouldn't you at least shoot me a 5 second text, especially because my lack of texting as never stopped you from sending 5 or more texts in a row rapid fire before?

 

That is precisely what I thought....thank you for clarifying because in reading some of these posts accusing you of never initiating, I thought I might be going crazy....

[EastCoastKassie]

One month isn't really a longtime at all. If you've made some comments, what did you say? What response were you looking for? Is there a relationship outside of the phone?

 

He doesn't have a lot of experience. He's made some comments like (regarding my interactions with other men) "well, I trust you" [contextually, like 'I trust that you're not cheating']. His biggest thing that's really hurting me, is he has a VERY CLOSE circle of friends, and he makes sure to regularly update them when they ask how we are, with "OH, WE'RE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP." I finally got really angry when he said this again on Sunday, and I had it out with him a bit--that if he feels the need to regularly tell all his friends we're certainly not in a relationship, why does he feel the need to go out with me, tell me he's crazy about me, tell me he wants to put the effort into this and it become something, etc.

 

 

Part of me in the back of my mind feels strung along. Almost like he's trying to push me to see how far I'll go before I just ditch him because he's jerked me around.

[jam.over.jelly]

Whoa, if that's the case it definitely seems like he has lost interest in you, chances are he has met someone else.

[Shining One]

But what if I'm the one who initiated contact on Saturday, Sunday AND Tuesday? Pretty sure I also initiated on Friday or Thursday too. My point is--I'm initiating the majority of our conversations in the last week. Which is just weird. I have to show SOME level of initiating--otherwise it would be rude, but it should be close to a split, maybe 60/40. And it's not even.

Please clarify your original post because I think we're missing some information.

All of August, he couldn't get enough of texting me--I would sometimes get 5-10 texts at a time before I'd even have time to respond.

I read this as he initiated all of the conversations in August. If this is true, the ratio would be closer to 80 (Him Initiating) / 20 (You Initiating).

[Versacehottie]

I don't know why there has been a sudden decline (could be another girl, could be he's losing interest, could be that he got tired of doing all work, could be that he comes on hot and this is what real him would be like since now he's more comfortable you're not going anywhere). While it feels bad that it's gone all day without a text from him and something's off, I would take this as a reset button and you will have your answer soon enough.

 

Don't ask him anymore what's wrong or if anything is. Sometimes people need a little space to appreciate the relationship so this isn't necessarily bad. He saw you overcompensating when he stopped pursuing as hard so now this is what you are getting. Don't panic. If his feelings are changing, there's nothing you can do. Best thing you can do is be positive and bring best of yourself in your interactions. Date others to change up the vibe and protect yourself since you don't know where he stands other than dragging his feet to be exclusive. So live it up. I know you don't want to but you can only control your end and protect your end. Assume you both are dating others as well as each other and see what happens. Not easy but less dependence on him will show you his real intentions and his real dating style--that's what you should want to know for your own reasons in order to move forward. Good luck

[EastCoastKassie]

Please clarify your original post because I think we're missing some information.

I read this as he initiated all of the conversations in August. If this is true, the ratio would be closer to 80 (Him Initiating) / 20 (You Initiating).

 

 

He didn't initiate all of them, but he initiated the vast majority. Which has also been the case even for our friendship prior to dating. But since last week, it's suddenly become 5/95. Do you see what I mean? That's what makes it all the more odd to me he would suddenly just abruptly stop. Instead of it being a slow fade, it's the stark contrast of night and day.

 

 

Yet he's exactly the same in person.

[EastCoastKassie]

If his feelings are changing, there's nothing you can do. Best thing you can do is be positive and bring best of yourself in your interactions. Date others to change up the vibe and protect yourself since you don't know where he stands other than dragging his feet to be exclusive. So live it up. I know you don't want to but you can only control your end and protect your end. Assume you both are dating others as well as each other and see what happens. Not easy but less dependence on him will show you his real intentions and his real dating style--that's what you should want to know for your own reasons in order to move forward. Good luck

I said during this conversation on sunday, while he told me how he tells his friends we're not in a relationship and he doesn't want to rush into something, that if that's the case, I should probably see other men. He just looked at me, "You'd do that just to hurt me?" Like he won't step up to the plate and ask me to be exclusive with him, and he won't date anyone else either, but he also doesn't want me to date anyone else. How is that fair?

 

 

I was angry enough during our conversation on Sunday I wanted to go home and download Tinder.

[Shining One]

While you've touched on it, I didn't see it explicitly stated. Have you actually asked him to be exclusive? If so, was his response a direct no or did he dance around it?

[fitnessfan365]

That is precisely what I thought....thank you for clarifying because in reading some of these posts accusing you of never initiating, I thought I might be going crazy....

 

It's true that she's been initiating this last week.

 

But in her first post she mentions that he was the one doing the majority of the initiating for the last month. Then for whatever reason he suddenly stopped texting first. That's lead t her texting him first out of necessity. So now she's wondering why he suddenly pulled back. My theory for what it's worth, is that he got sick of doing all the work and wanted to let her pick up the slack.

[katiegrl]

It's true that she's been initiating this last week.

 

But in her first post she mentions that he was the one doing the majority of the initiating for the last month. Then for whatever reason he suddenly stopped texting first. That's lead t her texting him first out of necessity. So now she's wondering why he suddenly pulled back. My theory for what it's worth, is that he got sick of doing all the work and wanted to let her pick up the slack.

 

Fair enough. She got the message, and *has* been picking up the slack, and then some.

 

It's time for him to step up again, and do his part too.... 50/50. Not 5/95.

 

That's not right either.

[Leigh 87]

Sudden changes are bad.

 

And the fact he has to highlight that you're " not in a relationship " rings alarm bells. Of course, it would be crazy to call it a relationship after a month...however, he is willing a real aversion to it....

To his closest friends....

 

The last guy that did that to me, ended up not being that into me. His mates would ask him and he'd say " were not together "... It took until five months in, when I got tired of the " no labels " Buller@p, that I finally put my foot down. He agreesd to labels but that didn't change the fact he just wasnt that into me.

 

If a man is into you, he will sound happy and excited when talking about how things are going. He wouldn't say " well, we aren't in a relationship " in that way. He'd say something along the lines of " she's really great, I hope this leads into something more "

 

I have dealt with a guy just like yours and it never ends up well.

 

Again - no one is expecting a relationship after a month..but the fact he's stopped initiating and clearly changed his texting habits, coupled with his defensive tone he adopta with his close friends of " you not being in a relationship ", is a very bad sign.....

[Versacehottie]

he makes sure to regularly update them when they ask how we are, with "OH, WE'RE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP." I finally got really angry when he said this again on Sunday, and I had it out with him a bit--

 

 

Part of me in the back of my mind feels strung along. Almost like he's trying to push me to see how far I'll go before I just ditch him because he's jerked me around.

 

Ok this was vital information. I bet this Sunday thing is definitely influencing his current behavior. And how he is portraying the relationship to his friends is how you should treat and then decide what you want to do. If someone says your relationship is nothing, then don't pull tighter or argue. Show with your actions that doesn't work for you. The wording is such that he IS stringing you along at the moment so don't accept his second best.

 

Just because someone couldn't be dating anyone else, doesn't mean they are fully on-board and available and willing to move forward with you. Arggh, my friend has the perfect saying she says for this and it's escaping me. If I think of it, I'll post it.

 

I think in the argument, he made it seem like it wasn't still lingering but it is. I'd pull back and not be so available to someone who adamantly said he wasn't in a relationship with me. Ok, figure it out then buddy, I'm going to do my thing. Over the years two guys have done that to me and I broke it off with each one of them. It wasn't even harsh the way they said it or to a group of people in my cases. The second one was blowing up my phone all day long and then when he categorized it like that, "not in a relationship", I didn't waste my time getting mad. I laughed at him and teased him why does he call me all day long then and we go out about 4 nights a week, he was using up too much of my time. It was so stupid since in reality he was sure acting like a boyfriend--more than I was even ready for. I thought about it over night and broke up (off) with him the next day. After a tiny break, he was back and didn't make that mistake again. It's funny we are still friends today (broke up later for other reasons) and now when he talks about the time we were together that moment stands out to him in a good way.

 

I'm not saying the same would happen if you did the same thing. I just wasn't going to let him have gf access to me if he wasn't calling me his gf. It was ridiculous and I dropped him for the arrogance and self-centeredness of it. Basically, well I'm not going to waste so much of my time giving it to you then. Also since the reality I was experiencing didn't match with how he saw us labeled, it didn't make sense for me to invest more in that way at that time. I'm not even into labels but we he said we WEREN'T something it didn't sit well with me. I don't remember how it came up even but I remember it wasn't a discussion of where we stood or anything like that, it was just something said in passing while we were in a conversation not relevant to anything really. I'm like, errrrr, wait, back up. And there you go.

 

The first one said something similar when I was inquiring about what we were and the answer wasn't sufficient for me in the face of how we were spending time together---didn't seem like we were not in a relationship! I thought about it for a couple of days and broke it off with him and had a new bf the next week, week and a half. I wasn't even trying to find someone new. I just was out with friends and he scooped me up and didn't stall on making sure he didn't lose me. Hey, that's what happens. You have to do what you know is best for you. Don't let yourself be strung along or mistreated with your actions.