Jonp219 Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 Oneitis- is a common affliction, especially amongst geeks, affecting millions of men and women daily. Symptoms can include feelings of hopelessness, heart palpitations, dry mouth, depression, anxiety and an inability to seek out other romantic or sexual relationships. The illusion we project onto another person causing us to believe that they're indeed 'the one'. Sound familiar? Yes, and in fact most of us here have oneitis (based on how some of us discuss our coping habits). Don't worry though, I have oneitis too even though I have been feeling 'better'. However, i'm still a little fixated on the thought of my previous relationship, but deep down I know it's done. My problem is that I don't put myself out there, I still fear rejection from the opposite sex. The love that we had for these people had nothing to do with them and everything to do with us. Loving someone with all your being and seeing them as this special unique individual is just a byproduct of what's going on in our brain. WE'RE projecting that love on to them, they're really not doing anything, they're just making it easy to be around them hence why we project that love in the first place. Love is about connection building, there is no 'the one' there is no 'soulmate'. When people say, "I felt that spark". What they really mean is, "I'm attracted to them and we connected on some level"...that's it. It's not, "OMFG this person was made for me and only for me! FATE AND GOD brought us together!" No, not really. You thought she was sexy and he thought you were hot, you both thought you were cool people and y'all went out. My uncle has been happily married to the same woman for over 25 years and he told me once, "Women and men are really not that different when you compare one to the other. The only differences are the quarks and personality traits, some are into different things than others but each gender operates the same way." My uncle is a very calm, logical, and intellectual man who's raised 2 girls, has 5 sisters, 7 nieces, and we have an insane amount of female cousins in our family so I think he has an idea of what he's talking about lol. When you step back and look at the bigger picture it's true. At the end of the day we're all looking for love, but we've made that harder on ourselves than it should be. It's funny a few little spirits of chemicals in our brain can make us feel like our whole world is coming to an end? And even for the people who KNOW these feelings are just chemicals in our brain we STILL believe that what our brain is telling us is true. WOW, a'int that something? The human brain fascinates the **** out of me lol I'm sorry I just felt like writing this for some reason lol. Just something to think about, you know? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Oregon_Dude Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 When people say, "I felt that spark". What they really mean is, "I'm attracted to them and we connected on some level"...that's it. It's not, "OMFG this person was made for me and only for me! FATE AND GOD brought us together!" No, not really. You thought she was sexy and he thought you were hot, you both thought you were cool people and y'all went out.Pretty much. I like your thread, Jon. We've been sold a bill of goods about soulmates and such, but the reality is, there are lots of soulmates out there for us. The spark is as you described - a common attraction and excitement. In my dating experience I have found that while women have different interests from each other, they are all essentially the same as far as romance - want to be wooed, feel special, listened to, f*cked well, excited with surprises and such. When I look back on all my relationships, I see that I used a lot of the same romancing techniques, date ideas, shared a lot of the same philosophical conversations and such. This is not to minimize the specialness of my connections; just to say that women (and men, for that matter) are basically - different baggage, same desires. Which is to be loved and to be happy. Oneitis is a big lie. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jimmyjackson Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 You should read 'the game' by Neil Strauss 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hoosfoos Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 ....at the same time, VERY easy to get caught up in. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kenmore Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Very well spoken Jon. I agree with it all. Even though I have tried all the logic I can and have thought every scenario through, there's just something that keeps me thinking about her and wishing it had happened differently. I understand that I felt like this with my first wife too. That's two. Pretty long odds for finding "the one" so I think that puts that out the window. I get the chemicals, it's more than that. It's life experiences, joy at being with them etc. Maybe that's chemical but it's also a roadmap created in our brains toward happiness. This action led to this. That person led to that feeling. Don't anybody beat themselves up for feeling that way no matter how long. It is a part of our makeup now and can't be changed any more than we can change our DNA. The good part is we can make new connections and new maps. New people can touch us and all we really need to do is let them. Just by opening the door. Now I'm off to post here about how much I DON'T miss my wife :evil: (hugs minimariah.) Ken 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kenmore Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 ....at the same time, VERY easy to get caught up in. Hoosfoos, Awesome Avatar!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonp219 Posted September 10, 2015 Author Share Posted September 10, 2015 Pretty much. I like your thread, Jon. We've been sold a bill of goods about soulmates and such, but the reality is, there are lots of soulmates out there for us. The spark is as you described - a common attraction and excitement. In my dating experience I have found that while women have different interests from each other, they are all essentially the same as far as romance - want to be wooed, feel special, listened to, f*cked well, excited with surprises and such. When I look back on all my relationships, I see that I used a lot of the same romancing techniques, date ideas, shared a lot of the same philosophical conversations and such. This is not to minimize the specialness of my connections; just to say that women (and men, for that matter) are basically - different baggage, same desires. Which is to be loved and to be happy. Oneitis is a big lie. Your response gives me some comfort Oregon_Dude My ex wasn't my first girlfriend, but she was my first serious relationship. Therefore, I didn't really know what to expect after my break-up. I was alone and scared for my life when she left me. I was scared that was never going to find someone to do the same things we did. Like sit outside and talk all night, go on getaways, eat at different restaurants, have intimate conversations etc. All with the same level of comfort that I felt when I was with her. But now i'm thinking all those things aren't really that hard to replace. Plus, this will serve as a learning experience from all the mistakes I made during that relationship. I'll enter my next relationship with a better head on my shoulders. whether it be with a new girl I fall for or ex (not betting on it, but I don't hate her enough to not give it a try again). But yeah man, thanks for that Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonp219 Posted September 10, 2015 Author Share Posted September 10, 2015 You should read 'the game' by Neil Strauss People keeping telling me to read this book! I have to check it out! Will it help me in anyway possible? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonp219 Posted September 10, 2015 Author Share Posted September 10, 2015 ....at the same time, VERY easy to get caught up in. Hoosfoos hell yeah! ****, I KNOW I have oneitis and I KNOW what's causing it, but from time to time it destroys my confidence and my spirit. It very hard not to get caught up in it. Believe me I know the pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonp219 Posted September 10, 2015 Author Share Posted September 10, 2015 Very well spoken Jon. I agree with it all. Even though I have tried all the logic I can and have thought every scenario through, there's just something that keeps me thinking about her and wishing it had happened differently. I understand that I felt like this with my first wife too. That's two. Pretty long odds for finding "the one" so I think that puts that out the window. I get the chemicals, it's more than that. It's life experiences, joy at being with them etc. Maybe that's chemical but it's also a roadmap created in our brains toward happiness. This action led to this. That person led to that feeling. Don't anybody beat themselves up for feeling that way no matter how long. It is a part of our makeup now and can't be changed any more than we can change our DNA. The good part is we can make new connections and new maps. New people can touch us and all we really need to do is let them. Just by opening the door. Now I'm off to post here about how much I DON'T miss my wife :evil: (hugs minimariah.) Ken We can choose to look at it how ever we want to, but the truth is you loved these two women very much at one time and that euphoria took you to places you didn't know you could go. You didn't love them the moment you met them, you loved them when you started becoming vulnerable and connecting with them. You don't want to hear this but, you could of felt those same feelings for thousands of other women if you opened up the same way. and vice versa. I agree with your road map analogy. Love is a powerful thing, we chose to bring these women on our journey's with us and that was real. However it was the EXPERIENCE that carved out this road map for us, and one day we will have that experience again with a new lady by our side. Link to post Share on other sites
kenmore Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 We can choose to look at it how ever we want to, but the truth is you loved these two women very much at one time and that euphoria took you to places you didn't know you could go. You didn't love them the moment you met them, you loved them when you started becoming vulnerable and connecting with them. You don't want to hear this but, you could of felt those same feelings for thousands of other women if you opened up the same way. and vice versa. I agree with your road map analogy. Love is a powerful thing, we chose to bring these women on our journey's with us and that was real. However it was the EXPERIENCE that carved out this road map for us, and one day we will have that experience again with a new lady by our side. I completely agree that I can (and most likely will) have those feelings for a new woman in the future and don't know where she will come from, where the feelings will come from or whether I know her now or not. I must say though that I did fall in love with my ex the day I met her. This is going to sound horrible but it won't be the first time I said something here that's horrible sounding. My first date with my ex was a lunch date at noon, and I had a tentative date with another woman I was seeing at the time for dinner. She was expecting me to call and ask her to a specific place at a specific time, but the first date with my ex went on until well after six. I didn't expect to fall in love with her that day nor expect the date to go on that long. I expected to see both until I decided who I wanted to be with; and obviously I decided that day. I am not trying to disprove your point, I think it is valid and of course that first feeling was compounded by the ensuing years. It does prove an exception to your rule though. It also begs the point that there's more to it than anything simple...but it WAS most likely chemical. I concede that! Ken Link to post Share on other sites
Jimmyjackson Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 People keeping telling me to read this book! I have to check it out! Will it help me in anyway possible? It will give you a better insight into relationships and how females work...women have also read it to gain an insight into men too so it works both ways. I wouldn't use the pick up lines etc they use its a bit cringey but it gives good advice on how to approach women and what to wear etc. If nothing else it's a very interesting read, a few celebrities in it and one of Neils best friends in it called "mystery" is an interesting guy to say the least. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jonp219 Posted September 12, 2015 Author Share Posted September 12, 2015 It will give you a better insight into relationships and how females work...women have also read it to gain an insight into men too so it works both ways. I wouldn't use the pick up lines etc they use its a bit cringey but it gives good advice on how to approach women and what to wear etc. If nothing else it's a very interesting read, a few celebrities in it and one of Neils best friends in it called "mystery" is an interesting guy to say the least. I'm going to check it out heard it was a great read. Did the advice is the book help you with women at all excluding the pick up lines? Lol Link to post Share on other sites
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