confusedlady90 Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 My bf has been broken up with his ex of 3 yrs for a little over a year. Right after they broke up he started casually dating someone for 6 months. 2 months after that ended we started seeing each other. We've been serious for about 6 months now. The first conversation I had with him we talked about why we were both single. He talked about the girl he was with for 3 yrs. He said she was crazy and abusive. He had a giant stuffed animal laying around his house he said she gave it back to him after their break up and he never got rid of it bc he liked to lounge around on it but he got rid of it a week after I told him to. I'm not sure if he threw it away or gave it to his sister. He would talk about her all the time how she tried to control his life telling him he couldn't go to the gym (I guess she didn't want him to see hot girls or she thought he would cheat). He said she cheated on him and hit him. It seems like she hurt his ego or he is still bitter even a yr later. He never met her bf but he says her bf is fat and ugly. She is having a baby with her new bf he seems to be gloating that he is in a better situation than his ex. His friends say he adores me and always talks about me. He wants me to meet his parents and the other family members I haven't met. He said he loves me and he's never been in love before. He said he's never really loved her and she didn't deserve him. That she deserves a fat guy and I am on his level. Is he over her? Or maybe still hurt by the situation? Is it possible for him to truly love me and still not have completely moved on. I confronted him he laughed and said I'm being ridiculous that I must be kidding that he cares more about her cat than her. He said we should focus on our future and he is 100% committed to being with me and his parents are excited about meeting me.
Blanco Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 These things stood out to me: - He's been single for just two months out of the last four years, despite having three relationships in that time. - He called his ex crazy and abusive. - He talks about her frequently and in a negative way. - He seems happy that his ex is worse off than him (despite not even really knowing if that's true). It's hard to say if he's over her, but it definitely doesn't sound like he's over the hurt from the relationship. Sometimes meeting a new person is what completes your healing process, but from what you've told us, the pain he feels from the relationship and breakup still sounds raw. After a year, this shouldn't really be the case. My amateur opinion is that he has looked to new relationships as a means of healing rather than doing the brave thing and remaining single while he processes the demise of the relationship and recovers. He is still the walking wounded and until he is able to process what happened, he won't be able to ever really move on or fully invest in a new romantic relationship. 2
Author confusedlady90 Posted September 9, 2015 Author Posted September 9, 2015 These things stood out to me: - He's been single for just two months out of the last four years, despite having three relationships in that time. - He called his ex crazy and abusive. - He talks about her frequently and in a negative way. - He seems happy that his ex is worse off than him (despite not even really knowing if that's true). It's hard to say if he's over her, but it definitely doesn't sound like he's over the hurt from the relationship. Sometimes meeting a new person is what completes your healing process, but from what you've told us, the pain he feels from the relationship and breakup still sounds raw. After a year, this shouldn't really be the case. My amateur opinion is that he has looked to new relationships as a means of healing rather than doing the brave thing and remaining single while he processes the demise of the relationship and recovers. He is still the walking wounded and until he is able to process what happened, he won't be able to ever really move on or fully invest in a new romantic relationship. he told me he was single for 5 months he dated a girl while he was single and it was very causal I'm assuming it was just sexual for a long time they were only exclusive for 2 months although they dated longer
Blanco Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 he told me he was single for 5 months he dated a girl while he was single and it was very causal I'm assuming it was just sexual for a long time they were only exclusive for 2 months although they dated longer OK, well revise my post to say he's only been NOT SEEING SOMEONE or in a relationship for a couple months in the last four years. My overall point is that he has jumped from one girl to another. How can you heal and gain prospective from a failed relationship if you are seeing someone else right away, even casually? I'll also point out that virtually no relationship falls apart because of only one of the two people involved. If this girl was so crazy and abusive, then why did he stay for three years? At some point, he has to take responsibility for staying so long, because I'm going to assume that this behavior didn't just bubble out near the end of the relationship. I was in a three-year relationship. I can trace back many of my gripes with it to the first year we were together, meaning I sunk in another two years to the relationship, thinking she could change or things would change. So while I still find myself upset at times that she remained mostly emotionally unavailable and unappreciative, I have to saddle some of the blame, too, because I was aware of this behavior long, long, long before I finally threw in the towel. 1
Author confusedlady90 Posted September 9, 2015 Author Posted September 9, 2015 I'll also point out that virtually no relationship falls apart because of only one of the two people involved. If this girl was so crazy and abusive, then why did he stay for three years? At some point, he has to take responsibility for staying so long, because I'm going to assume that this behavior didn't just bubble out near the end of the relationship. I was in a three-year relationship. I can trace back many of my gripes with it to the first year we were together, meaning I sunk in another two years to the relationship, thinking she could change or things would change. So while I still find myself upset at times that she remained mostly emotionally unavailable and unappreciative, I have to saddle some of the blame, too, because I was aware of this behavior long, long, long before I finally threw in the towel. I think he stayed with her bc he likes to save people I think he thought he could fix her. I think he is upset with himself for staying with her so long. He told me if I ever cheat on him or hit him it's over. Yet he tolerated that behavior from her.
Blanco Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 So am I to infer that she cheated on him and was physically abusive? It sounds like he maybe didn't have healthy boundaries or self-respect. Some people can work past infidelity, but physical abuse should be a game-changer for anyone. My concern here is that he hasn't resolved his issues with this past relationship and he may eventually project that onto your relationship. For example, worrying that you'll cheat on him. 1
Author confusedlady90 Posted September 9, 2015 Author Posted September 9, 2015 My concern here is that he hasn't resolved his issues with this past relationship and he may eventually project that onto your relationship. For example, worrying that you'll cheat on him. he said he broke up with her after she hit him he moved out of their apartment. He doesn't worry about me cheating but we were discussing deal breakers. We both agree those are the only 2 things that could really end our relationship.
Gaeta Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 He said we should focus on our future . Next time he makes a comment about her, whether it's positive or negative, remind him this. 1
nyah Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 I guess I'm from the other side. I have been a massive pain in the ass bitching about my x husband to my amazing partner of nearly a year. I have no love for my x husband, he just infuriates me by what he did to myself and our son and continues to. When someone has been in your life for such a long period of time and hurt you, it's hard to let the anger and pain go so easily, so quickly. It does not mean he still loves her. So what I'm basically trying to say, is that he just still feels angry and hurt. It's not a reflection on how he feels about you. 1
Ami1uwant Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 I think he stayed with her bc he likes to save people I think he thought he could fix her. I think he is upset with himself for staying with her so long. He told me if I ever cheat on him or hit him it's over. Yet he tolerated that behavior from her. I think people who can easily talk about their past relationships is usually fine to date again. If he gets real emotional about talking about past relationships then he isn't past them. If he doesn't want yo talk about it he isn't past them. He probably has some trust issues because he was cheated on.
Author confusedlady90 Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 I guess I'm from the other side. I have been a massive pain in the ass bitching about my x husband to my amazing partner of nearly a year. I have no love for my x husband, he just infuriates me by what he did to myself and our son and continues to. When someone has been in your life for such a long period of time and hurt you, it's hard to let the anger and pain go so easily, so quickly. It does not mean he still loves her. So what I'm basically trying to say, is that he just still feels angry and hurt. It's not a reflection on how he feels about you. I needed that. I know he's crazy about me I don't think he really cares about her. I just can;t wait for the day he stops being hurt. I wish you and your hubby the best. 1
lop98 Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 You don't mention who broke up with who... and in your post, you seem to repeat (almost as a note to self) how bad she's doing and how much he REALLY REALLY loves you. You also seem to have found comfort in his comments about the other guy being "fat" and "ugly" and you're the upgrade and more on his level (higher according to him?). How blindly you echo his words and efforts to reassure you plus the amount of time spent on this comes across as a red flag to me. Two of my friends have been rebound girls this year.. they all sounded like this, firmly convinced the ex was everything the guy said (crazy, controlling, liar, cheater, abusive), teaming up with the guy on reminiscing his past and believing together he was in that awful relationship because poor guy was only trying to fix that crazy girl... eventually getting obsessive thoughts on whether he is over the ex or not. I think you should listen to your instincts. They've been with you longer than this guy... 2
Gaeta Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 I am not a young chick. I have loved many times and hurt many times. I truly believe that you cannot love someone if your heart and head are busy hating-resenting someone else. Hate consumes you and takes up even more energy than loving.I would not date someone who's busy resenting or hating an ex. You want to date someone who's reached a place of peace and indifference toward his/her past. All you are at this moment is a balm on his heart. When he's done resenting and hating his ex - he'll be done with the balm you're offering. 1
Blanco Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 I am not a young chick. I have loved many times and hurt many times. I truly believe that you cannot love someone if your heart and head are busy hating-resenting someone else. Hate consumes you and takes up even more energy than loving.I would not date someone who's busy resenting or hating an ex. You want to date someone who's reached a place of peace and indifference toward his/her past. All you are at this moment is a balm on his heart. When he's done resenting and hating his ex - he'll be done with the balm you're offering. I have not dated since my breakup earlier this year. Part of that is me wanting to focus on some things first, such as getting back in shape and being honest about my role in the relationship's demise. But on top of that, I knew that I still felt a lot of resentment for my ex. Logically, I knew she was who she was. She's not a bad person. She could be very caring and thoughtful. But we weren't compatible in some crucial ways. I had accepted that she wasn't much for verbal affection. What broke the deal for me was when that lack of verbal affection got paired with increased criticisms that seemed to stem from no-win situations for me. So when I left, I knew I was freeing myself of this life where I was helping someone raise their children, sacrificing a ton of my time and energy, all for the payoff of regularly feeling like I was failing her. And for that, I resented her. And that resentment grew when it became clear that she would rather me leave than her address and fix what I thought were valid grievances on my part. Imagine how I felt when she jumped right into a new relationship that she remains in to this day. All of this has left me feeling hurt and, if I'm not careful, bitter. These emotions have eased with the passing of time, though they are still feelings I must keep at arm's length, because it is easy for them to flare up. This is my roundabout way of saying that I've been in no condition to date. I'm at a point where I want to get to know some people, but the idea of a full-fledged relationship at this time is unappealing. And, if I'm being truthful, it would be unfair to embark on something like that right now. Well-meaning people don't deserve to be emotional band-aids to their partners when that hurt stems from that person's ex. 1
Author confusedlady90 Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 I'm confused bc I know he's still hurt by her but I think he really loves me. He genuinely seems happy when he is with me the look on his face and the way he behaves. Other people told me he talks about me all the time and is crazy about me. He said I'm the only girl he's ever loved that he didn't love his exs and he thinks I'm the one bc we connect on so many levels. He thinks I'm his soulmate We do have a lot in common we share the same values and goals. I just wish we met at a different time. Whenever I suggest a break he says that's not what he wants. I think she bruised his ego bc he is an overachiever and he couldn't believe she hurt and disappointed him. He also likes to show me off bc I'm attractive and he feels like I'm his upgrade. I don't just see myself as his trophy we can talk about anything he said he never gets tired of me or annoyed by me like he did with other girls. I just don't know what to think I wish he could instantly get over his past.
Author confusedlady90 Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 You don't mention who broke up with who... and in your post, you seem to repeat (almost as a note to self) how bad she's doing and how much he REALLY REALLY loves you. You also seem to have found comfort in his comments about the other guy being "fat" and "ugly" and you're the upgrade and more on his level (higher according to him?). How blindly you echo his words and efforts to reassure you plus the amount of time spent on this comes across as a red flag to me. Two of my friends have been rebound girls this year.. they all sounded like this, firmly convinced the ex was everything the guy said (crazy, controlling, liar, cheater, abusive), teaming up with the guy on reminiscing his past and believing together he was in that awful relationship because poor guy was only trying to fix that crazy girl... eventually getting obsessive thoughts on whether he is over the ex or not. I think you should listen to your instincts. They've been with you longer than this guy... I mentioned he broke up with her bc she hit him
kendahke Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 Is he over her? Or maybe still hurt by the situation? Is it possible for him to truly love me and still not have completely moved on. I confronted him he laughed and said I'm being ridiculous that I must be kidding that he cares more about her cat than her. He said we should focus on our future and he is 100% committed to being with me and his parents are excited about meeting me. I'd believe that if you hadn't written: The first conversation I had with him we talked about why we were both single. He talked about the girl he was with for 3 yrs. He said she was crazy and abusive. He had a giant stuffed animal laying around his house he said she gave it back to him after their break up and he never got rid of it bc he liked to lounge around on it but he got rid of it a week after I told him to. He would talk about her all the time he is still bitter even a yr later. Sir doth protest too much, methinks. I don't believe he is over her if he keeps going on and on about the past. A usual sign that you're over someone is that you'd rather put your eyes out with a pencil than talk about them. I dont' like talking about my past relationships--they're over and that's all that matters about them. People generally talk about things they care about or are emotionally invested in. A true sign that he's 100% committed to being with you is for him to stop talking about his ex. Period. Fin. Don't nobody want to hear that mess. 1
kendahke Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 I think he stayed with her bc he likes to save people I think he thought he could fix her. I think he is upset with himself for staying with her so long. He told me if I ever cheat on him or hit him it's over. Yet he tolerated that behavior from her. Uh oh... Captain Save a Jo.... He tolerated it because he thought he could fix her. He may perceive that you don't require fixing--be careful of that. Guys who like to rescue women tend to grow bored with women who are already whole.
Blanco Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 I don't doubt he has very strong feelings for you, OP, but the cynic in me thinks he's using some of the hatred he feels toward his ex to fuel his infatuation with you. Why would he care what any of his exes are up to if he was now with his "soul mate," let alone still be keeping up-to-date with her life AND talking about her a lot? He can say all of these superlative things about you, but it doesn't jive with him still showing his HEAVY emotional involvement with the ex. And yes, he's emotionally involved with her, because he is still carrying extreme feelings (disdain) for her. I've let a lot of time pass in between serious relationships, so if I ever referred to an ex with the current girlfriend, it was never negative and always pertinent to something we were talking about. I've been hurt by girls before, but I have never let that seep into a relationship. Not because I'm mature or anything, but because by time I let myself get seriously involved with someone, I had reached a place of INDIFFERENCE toward the previous girlfriend. This guy has not done that and until he does, it doesn't really matter how many nice things he wants to say to you. P.S. I find it concerning that he's conveyed to you how much of an upgrade you are to his ex. I would NEVER tell a girl that they are an "upgrade" from a past girlfriend. Even if in my heart I felt it to be true, it's such a tacky comment that makes the person sound like they're somehow viewing this as a competition versus finding someone best suited for them at this time in their life. 1
Gaeta Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 I'm confused bc I know he's still hurt by her but I think he really loves me. He genuinely seems happy when he is with me the look on his face and the way he behaves. Other people told me he talks about me all the time and is crazy about me. He said I'm the only girl he's ever loved You're like morphine. When I had my big surgery I could not wait for 3pm and get my shot of morphine. When the nurse came by with her needle I welcomed her with the biggest smile she was like a vision to me. She had something I needed at the time, pain relieve. It's like I explained to you about you being a balm on his wound. When the pain is gone chances he won't need you anymore, just like soon didn't need morphine any longer and I cannot even remember that nurse's face. that he didn't love his exs That is the biggest mambo jumbo lie ever !! and you know it's a LIE. If he had not loved her, deeply, he would not feel resentful toward her. He also likes to show me off bc I'm attractive and he feels like I'm his upgrade. I don't just see myself as his trophy we can talk about anything he said he never gets tired of me or annoyed by me like he did with other girls. I just don't know what to think I wish he could instantly get over his past. wow, really. You're his upgrade. Like a car. Better body and less millage.
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