Can't stop thinking about my ex

[Bellerophon]

Hey everyone! I have never posted anything about relationships or asked for advice on forums, but i am just so lost right now that i don't know what else to do.

 

So here is my story:

Im a 26 year old guy living in Amsterdam. and my ex is really my first actual true love. I started dating my ex girlfriend in december 2013, we had a great relationship and were madly in love, going out all the time and were just very happy. I had a good job and made quite a lot of money so we could do a lot of nice things.

 

Then after around 6-7 months she wanted to move in together, but i just thought it was too soon and told her that i would like to move in with her also, but just wasn't ready at that time yet. This really hurt her she says and basically still hasn't let that go. But moving on we were still great together...Until in november 2014 i lost my job.

 

In the beginning i was fine and just relaxed a bit, but then after still not finding a job after a few months i got a bit depressed. She was pretty good in supporting me and encouraging me. But after a few months that got less and less and we started having more fights also bc my situation was making her depressed. We couldn't go out as much anymore and i feel like that also made it even worse for her. I myself am a pretty optimistic person in general and i felt like sometimes she was having a more difficult time with it than me. I even told her a couple of times during our fights that she should stop acting like this was happening to her, when im the one without a job.

 

During all this i was making sure in telling her that i wanted to have a future with her and wanted to make plans for moving in together as soon as i found a job, but she often told me that she wasn't sure if she wanted that anymore. This really hurt me and i told her, but i kept on trying my best to make her happy.

Eventually in juli 2014 she wasn't sure anymore about us and we decided to take a break... after 3 weeks we got back together because we missed each other so much...it went well for the first few weeks until she got back into the same depression she had about my situation, and i felt like while having to deal with my own problems, i had to try my best to keep her happy also.

 

Then about a month ago the situation still hadn't changed and she said maybe its best to break up so i can focus on myself because she felt like she was just a distraction to me. Which was partly true, but i told her also that i didn't want to lose her and wanted to get through this together, bc she stuck with me in my best times..but now at my worst she couldn't handle it. She was not convinced and we broke up saying if we are meant to be, we will eventually get back together when we are both in a better place in our lives.

 

This has been the most difficult time of my life, doing this without her and i miss her so much, but at the same time i feel broken that she didn't want/could stick with me during these times. Also she is off to new york for work for 3 weeks and is very busy, so i feel like it is easier for her not to think of me as much as i am and maybe in my mind i sort of resent her for that.

 

Now for the good news: this Monday i got offered a great job i interviewed for and i start this coming Monday ) Through a picture i posted today on Instagram i think she noticed that i had found something and asked me about it, when i told her she was genuinely very excited for me and told me how happy she was and wished me all the best. I thanked her but was also a bit reserved and that was it.

 

I can't help but think how great this would have been with her with me, and i just can't stop thinking about her. Part of me want her to tell me she misses me and wants me back, but another part is still mad that she left. I just feel so alone and sad every day and i was just thinking about texting her and telling her is missed her and stuff but decided to wait with that.

 

She was really my best friend and i was always with her. I have a couple of good friends but i don't see them that often and i feel like they just don't get me and they all said: **** her and stuff like that..

So i was hoping maybe any of you might have some advice or just share what you think of the whole situation. If you have any questions feel free to ask and i will answer.

 

Thanks in advance!

[Jackiejolie]

If you still feel the same way about her, see a possible future with her why not reach out and arrange to meet for a casual chat and see if she feels the same? It must hurt if you feel she left you at a critical time in your life and hopefully talking about this will allow her to see this. People make mistakes, but perhaps the break will have been a positive thing for you. Good luck!

[thunder777]

im kinda of in a similiar position

 

i get on very well with girls and really can appeal to most

 

however a lack of employment soon becomes a burden on the relationship because rather than being a man who has somewhere to be, who is preoccupied with being at work first and earning lots of money to play with, I seem to become a very bored individual who instead puts the majority of his focus on what his girl is doing

 

so in like my recent relationship i found to an extend that my boredom was saturating her and no matter how attractive or terrific the spending time together could be, the times when i should be at work, would instead be a massive depressive drag, and that becomes a massive burden to anyone around you let alone a girlfriend

 

women want & need men with an "empire", why would they want some insufficient bored ass and broke stooge who has nothing to do with his day except be totally focussed on his girl because he has nothing better to do. This would turn anyone off, and it would even turn you off too if your girl was completely unemployed

 

She has stucked around for a long time and hasnt given up on you, but how long can she keep going?

 

you need to set her free, and focus on getting your own "empire" to an impressive & attractive routine

 

work first, girls later

 

also it seems like you not following the NO CONTACT rules, you must totally remove all evidence & all contact avenues to her from your life. its the only way to find strength in this short term pain

 

if youve gone 3 days free and then tomorrow you start stalking her facebook, you are only hurting yourself & the strength youve gained from those 3 days will be washed away, and then youre in pain again

 

 

start also applying yourself to the dating scene, its difficult but really make an effort to apply your energy to new friendships with other women

 

but remember, as soon as the new girls see you have no work and are totally bored, they too soon be disinterested no matter how attractive you maybe

 

"wow thats a long write up, helping you is helping me too"

[Bellerophon]

Thanks to the both of you for reading and replying.

Thunder, i think you are right about the whole view of men that women will have if you dont have a job, and also the fact that she did support me for a long time before ending it.. But i just cant seem to let her go.

Specially now that i have foubd a good new job again, i feel like reaching out and ask to meet or something like jackie said.. But i am just very affraid that she wont feel the same way and then i would feel even more hurt.

 

I do know she still loves me and cared about how i do, but maybe its best for me to wait until at least a couple more weeks to get myself more sorted and be more comfortable before trying to give it another try with her.

The hard part though is that i just feel so sad everyday and i cant bring myself to "erase" her from my life..i look at her social media at least twice a day and i know that really only hurting me more...but i cant delete het profiles.

 

I need to figure out a way to not think about her as much at least for the next couple of weeks, and im hoping starting my new job this monday will help me with that.

 

And btw you are very right in writing about it is a therapy in itself and is helping me also.

[thunder777]

Bellerophon firstly you need to accept that she is out there likely being courted by other guys, and having a good time chatting & possibly meeting other boys

 

So are you doing the same? Courting new girls?

 

a moving on chapter must be followed, no matter what the future holds

 

Secondly u are NOT following the NO CONTACT rules

2014-no-contact-guide

 

 

You have got to mould your life to become someone who has no existence of her, by blocking facebooks, deleting numbers, get all pics of her off your phone & pc, all the presents put them in a box and DO NOT open the box for a year. Change your whole house around, become a person who doesnt even know this girl

 

She must become a "stranger" for your future to heal, the second you go look and reminisce or stalk her FB you are only sticking knives in yourself and making yourself bleed even more

 

getting a job is not for her, its for you. after 2 weeks dont go telling her "look look i got a job"

 

forget about trying to feed her further information about you. deprive her. if she wants to know she will find out for herself

 

im doing the same thing, im hurting and i have moments, but this is the only way mate

[Bellerophon]

Actually i went on 1 date and was also talking to another girl a week ago, but i broke contact with both of them because i just didn't feel like it. I am just not over my ex and am not in the mood to have all this bs smalltalk with women im not really interested in.. So i won't be in the dating game for a while..And i just try not to think about her dating life and don't want to know about it.

 

You are very right about the no contact thing though..I have been wanting to do that and apart from the Instagram 'stalking' i didn't have any contact, until she texted me saying how happy she was i got a job 2 days ago..

But i deleted all our conversations and put away all the pictures like the guide says, and now just forcing myself not to look on social media and stuff like that. The thing that keeps killing me though is whenever i post something, she is immediately one of the first to 'like' it...i know its silly, but that gets me every time..

 

I just really feel (and hope) that when i start the new job it will be a lot easier bc i will be too busy and also trying to go out and hang more with friends.

 

Thanks a lot for your help man, its nice to be able to talk about this and getting advice.

[thunder777]

wow thats seriously weird ur still friends on fb

 

and the fact she is liking and connecting to u still

 

no ex would do that surely, especially if she is hunting other guys in the meantime and trying to move on herself

 

its probably something for the other posters on here to express, but me being a bit of an irrational brute would say to her "if u dont wanna be with methen please stay da f##k out of my life, im trying to heal, im not into friendships, when im here alone and missing my long term partner"

 

thats not fair on u and is kinda making a mockery of you if she is out dating other guys but still patting u on the back like ur a good little boy"

 

maybe im wrong, what do others think?

[Bellerophon]

I am 99% sure she isn't dating other guys, she is not that type of person and is also just focusing on her work alot to try and get over it. Its just that she is waaayy better in hiding how she feels and can come across as quite cold but inside she would be hurting. I guess its also that she has had more experience with breakups than me.

 

Thats why its hard for me to disconnect and move on bc i do want to get back with her and she is not sure and doesn't know what she wants..Thats also why i was thinking of just doing my thing for a while and then try and meet up in a couple of weeks and just say straight up: Do u want this or not, bc if not then its no contact anymore and im deleting you from social media and such.. At least then no matter the outcome, i feel like i have a bit more ''closure'' and can actually start moving on...The downside is that i have to live with this feeling of possibly fake hope for the next weeks...

[thunder777]

from what youve been saying and if u believe she is not dating, then she strongly does have feelings but is simply just traumatized by your long term unemployment and just never wants to see 'that' again

 

remember most attractive girls need to be fed just like guys and if she is not being fed by u then other boys are lurking whether u believe it or not

 

and i know i know, some girls dont jump from one man to the next

 

if does feel like ur reuniting once ur in solid work, dont treat it as ur back together, be strict and 'date' her once a week for a few months

[hakim]

QUOTE=Jackiejolie;6537698]If you still feel the same way about her, see a possible future with her why not reach out and arrange to meet for a casual chat and see if she feels the same? It must hurt if you feel she left you at a critical time in your life and hopefully talking about this will allow her to see this. People make mistakes, but perhaps the break will have been a positive thing for you. Good luck![ QUOTE]

 

This is a stupid idea OP, and I'm sure you know it.

 

She broke up with you, so you have no 'right' to reach out to her. It is her that has to do that.

 

The best thing for you OP is to move on, because eventually you'll meet someone better - I know I will.

[Bellerophon]

But she does keep looking at my social media and reacting/liking to my posts..I can't move on if i don't know for sure that she doesn't want to give it another try.

 

Thats why i was thinking of reaching out and just simply saying: Look, i want you back and i miss you alot.. But if you don't want that than we can't have any contact and i am deleting/blocking you from social media and everything else, because i can't deal with the situation as it is...

 

Because when we broke up in the beginning i said i might do that and she thought it was weird and didn't want me to break all contact..

[thunder777]

maybe she is keeping u there at arms reach cos it helps her feel secure whilst shes looking for someone else

 

you are readily available to her. u are not a challenge u are easy to get if she really has to

 

change this, break the norm, cut her off immediately and isolate her from u. ur just a floating device to prevent her from drowning until someone heroic comes to finally collect

 

cut her off now, let her drown so she can realize how much she needs u too before its too late

 

sounds harsh but u need her wanting u

 

there is no other way

 

i dare u

[Bellerophon]

Alright so i am well prepared to do what you said Thunder, but i feel like i need to do it in a different way. So i am about to send out the following text:

 

''Hey hope you are doing well. Sorry to drop this on you today but i just feel like i need to get it out. I just feel so sad and keep thinking about you alot. I am trying to keep myself busy with other things but you are always there. Simply said: I want to give it a try again and change things up..but if you dont want that then I really have to break all contact with you..so that means no social media, pictures and whatever..i cant see that stuff anymore, in deleting/blocking everything. I'm sorry but thats the only way for me to move on. You maybe have it easier or i dont know but i have never had this and i feel like this is the only way.. So i would love to hear from you that you would want to give it another try, but if not.. Then i guess this is it. Hope to hear form you soon.''

 

Something like that...i would like to know what you guys think about it or might have any notes/changes..

[thunder777]

hmm some good points in there but its not hostile enough, a manly man is a brute, your being that mr softy with all his heart crap

 

for instance what would "captain jack sparrow" say or a i dunno someone chicks go wild for

 

but anyways...

 

try something like this

 

look weve broken up we're are not in a relationship. you moved on and left me for whoever youve found so congrats to you. im getting a little fed up with u still "partially being there". I realize now that my long term unemployment has probably been traumatic for you and thats my fault ive been lazy and now because of it ive lost my girlfriend. U stood by me with hope for a long time and i still didnt get work. Ok i ****ed up and am now getting what i deserve. To move on and rebuild myself its not helping that "were still in contact". I have to break ties, close contact and get on with my new life. If you wish to spend an afternoon together from some time i might consider it otherwise im cutting you out of my life now for my own good. goodbye & goodluck

 

 

haha so in a way your "dumping" what it is you now have together, and that makes you the new "dumper"

 

block her, delete numbers, shutdown all avenues of contact. then actually do move on with your life. go no contact, if this seed u plant flowers and she reach for u then great, if she doesnt then youll know shes not interested and youre better off living the NO CONTACT life, moving towards your next girlfriend

[thunder777]

Alright so i am well prepared to do what you said Thunder, but i feel like i need to do it in a different way. So i am about to send out the following text:

 

''Hey hope you are doing well. Sorry to drop this on you today but i just feel like i need to get it out. I just feel so sad and keep thinking about you alot. I am trying to keep myself busy with other things but you are always there. Simply said: I want to give it a try again and change things up..but if you dont want that then I really have to break all contact with you..so that means no social media, pictures and whatever..i cant see that stuff anymore, in deleting/blocking everything. I'm sorry but thats the only way for me to move on. You maybe have it easier or i dont know but i have never had this and i feel like this is the only way.. So i would love to hear from you that you would want to give it another try, but if not.. Then i guess this is it. Hope to hear form you soon.''

 

Something like that...i would like to know what you guys think about it or might have any notes/changes..

 

have highlighted where your still being easy to get, loving and unmanly

[thunder777]

and DO NOT reply to anything u may get back

 

create a void in her, so she no longer has u in any way

 

see if it affects her, if it does she'll plead and beg for it back

 

still DO NOT reply until she recommits or gives u something substantial otherwise its breadcrumbs, so ignore ignore ignore

 

sorry if im turning into a prick but u have no other hope left

 

eventually she may even say "sorry i want you back it was wrong of me to dump u away can we talk?"

 

haha maybe, reconciliation is doubtful but the way she is kinda still watching you until u find work, i think there is still hope

[Bellerophon]

Hey thanks a lot for your posts man, you have helped me a lot in this!

So i have made a combination of yours and mine, and this is what i have now.. Am going to email this to her bc i think its too long for a text:

 

''Hey! Hope you are doing well.

 

I know we have broken up, we're are not in a relationship and i think since you are more experienced in this than me you have your ways to deal with it, but i don’t really have that. So im really getting a little fed up with you still being partially ‘there’ and its not helping me move forward.

 

I realize now that my long term unemployment has probably been traumatic for you and thats my fault I've been lazy and now because of it I've lost my girlfriend and best friend. U stood by me with hope for a long time and i still didn't get work. I ****ed up and now im getting what i deserve.

 

Like i told you the other day, I do want to try and make this work again and change things up this time. But if you don’t feel the same, then for me to move on its not helping that were still ''in contact” through social media and such. I have to break ties completely, and would then ask you to do the same.

 

So if you would want to spend some time together when u are back and try to take things slow or whatever, then let me know. But if not then i am cutting you out of my life for my own good.''

 

I have cut out a lot of my text, specially the ones you highlighted. But i did want to get the point across of me being open to trying again, because essentially thats the biggest reason for me sending this email to her.

[thunder777]

Hey thanks a lot for your posts man, you have helped me a lot in this!

So i have made a combination of yours and mine, and this is what i have now.. Am going to email this to her bc i think its too long for a text:

 

''Hey! Hope you are doing well.

 

I know we have broken up, we're are not in a relationship and i think since you are more experienced in this than me you have your ways to deal with it, but i don’t really have that. So im really getting a little fed up with you still being partially ‘there’ and its not helping me move forward.

 

I realize now that my long term unemployment has probably been traumatic for you and thats my fault I've been lazy and now because of it I've lost my girlfriend and best friend. U stood by me with hope for a long time and i still didn't get work. I ****ed up and now im getting what i deserve.

 

Like i told you the other day, I do want to try and make this work again and change things up this time. But if you don’t feel the same, then for me to move on its not helping that were still ''in contact” through social media and such. I have to break ties completely, and would then ask you to do the same.

 

So if you would want to spend some time together when u are back and try to take things slow or whatever, then let me know. But if not then i am cutting you out of my life for my own good.''

 

I have cut out a lot of my text, specially the ones you highlighted. But i did want to get the point across of me being open to trying again, because essentially thats the biggest reason for me sending this email to her.

 

improve a little, i know its coming from you & not me so i understand, but be strict on the softness of it (the ease at which she can have you) but professional at same time

 

-------------------------------------------

 

Hi we have broken up, we're are not in a relationship. So im really getting a little fed up with you still being partially ‘there’ and its not helping me move forward.

 

I realize now that my long term unemployment has probably been traumatic for you and thats my fault I've been lazy and now because of it I've lost my girlfriend and best friend. U stood by me with hope for a long time and i still didn't get work. I ****ed up and now im getting what i deserve.

 

I have mentioned I want to this work again but nothings going to change until i actually get work. Until then its not helping me that were still ''in contact” through social media and such. I have to break ties completely for me to improve. goodbye, good luck.

 

------------------------------------

 

then she'll think WTF, the void in her is created instantly, lets hope the seed flowers

 

but fact is it isnt fair on her, that your asking her back to your unemployment world anyway mate

 

truth is u need work, for yourself, a woman in your life is just a page in your book, she is not the whole book

[Bellerophon]

Oh but i do man. I said earlier, i have found a very good job and am starting tomorrow. That part is taken care of and she also knows this now.

 

But i am going to take you advice on the being more strict part.

Just sent out the email I feel so relieved and lighter...I know now that whatever she says, i will have a more clear answer and goal for myself to either move on or try again with her.

 

Thanks a lot for your advice i will let u know when she replies.

[thunder777]

ok. DONT reply to anything, do not say another word from here EVER

 

or until u get something substantial where she is pleading for you back

 

you must go no contact now, u must, no matter how mean you may feel by ignoring her, if she replies, u must deprive her of you for a while and become a mystery to her

 

a void in her over time must be created now

 

get on with your job and good luck with it mate, its really going to change your inner self

[Bellerophon]

So i got a reply.. She basically is saying that bc since the breakup she has gone to New York for work that she hasn't had time to think about it or had a personal life bc she is working very long days.

 

So she is saying that she hasn't made her decision and asked me if its okay that we wait with this conversation until she gets back on Friday and she has some time to think about everything...

 

I have not replied yet, but am thinking about saying i understand and don't mind discussing this when she gets back next week..

 

I have already deleted her from my social media and have put away all the pictures somewhere i won't reach easily.. In the meantime i am starting my new job tomorrow and will be preoccupied myself this coming week, so that is very convenient for me. At the same time i am managing my expectations and am going to start moving on so i will be more prepared for whatever happens when i talk to her next week.

[thunder777]

So i got a reply.. She basically is saying that bc since the breakup she has gone to New York for work that she hasn't had time to think about it or had a personal life bc she is working very long days.

 

So she is saying that she hasn't made her decision and asked me if its okay that we wait with this conversation until she gets back on Friday and she has some time to think about everything...

 

I have not replied yet, but am thinking about saying i understand and don't mind discussing this when she gets back next week..

 

I have already deleted her from my social media and have put away all the pictures somewhere i won't reach easily.. In the meantime i am starting my new job tomorrow and will be preoccupied myself this coming week, so that is very convenient for me. At the same time i am managing my expectations and am going to start moving on so i will be more prepared for whatever happens when i talk to her next week.

 

good man good. just hope u havent replied

 

leave it all alone and like her she dont wanna think about

 

lets not be mr clingy responding to every tiny noise she makes

 

you are the king not her, get sexy, get hard to get and hard to reach. she feels that your a guy who has this friendship as the only thing going in your life. its obsessive & yucky and making her feel claustrophobic

 

again, deprive her, create a void where she is the last thing your thinking about right now. become too busy for all this crap. dont even initiate the contact in a week or 2. the mystery will eventually see her being curious as to whats new with you

 

that is what will make u appealing and wanted

 

im on day 8 of no contact, i have the benefit of having this forum, she doesnt. god knows what she is up to and as each day passes i dont really care. building my empire is what matters and girls can come & go as they please but im too busy to need them in every second of my life