Lost my soul mate. Help!

[lost_girl1]

Long post i am sorry!

 

I'm a girl, i was in a lesbian relationship with my girlfriend for 2 and a half years, we met each other when we were both 18, I literally could not of asked for a better girl, i never thought it was possible to find someone who was so much like me! we enjoyed the same things, had the same sense of humour, we even used to know what eachother was thinking 99.9% of the time. we done everything together, lived together, our families got on well with the pair of us, to the extent of even now after we have broken up her family still contact me.

 

my story is a bit complicated i guess:

July this year me and her went to Paris, a gift from her to me for my birthday, whilst we were there we both felt so intensely strong for each other, this was probably the strongest i had ever felt for her, and the same for her, we were both feeling the same thing, we discussed marriage, and the future with excitement and enthusiasm.

 

skip a head a month, and my girlfriend accepts a new job, not to far from where we live, however both of our jobs meant we didnt get to see each other quite as much, however we still used the time we had to talk, see eachother, and do things together. a week later she meets a "friend" at work, shes 5 years older than my ex. they were just friends... i was perfectly okay with this new friendship, and never in our relationship did i get jealous or over protective, i trusted her 100% and she trusted me. they began to talk more and more, mainly about how this girl was confused about her sexuality, this is where i questioned my ex on what was going on, to which i got the reply.... shes just a friend (in the past my ex's "friends" have taken advantage of her kindness and meant she didn't have any of her own friends as such, only mutual friends) a few days go by, and i express my doubts about this girl, and i ask if this girl liked my ex, to which my ex said no don't be stupid, she's not even sure if shes gay... i asked my ex if she liked this girl and she said no, she felt an attachment to her due to her not having a friendship of her own for a while. I accepted this. a week later and my ex is getting more distant with me. I asked her if she still wanted to be with me to which she replied " of course i do, i can't imagine my life without you", that afternoon we went to view a house together. the next morning came and i had had enough of feeling second best, so i voiced my concerns yet again, i was pretty much breaking up with her as i could no longer watch someone else dig their claws into her. she cried and begged me not to leave her, she told me i was the love of her life, and that without me she was nothing. she promised me she would stop talking to this girl, and show me that i am never second best to anyone, to which i agreed, and said that i didn't want her to stop talking to this girl, but the only way i could be okay with them two talking was if she could guarentee me there was no feelings involved. to which she replied "I don't know i don't think so".

 

obviously i blew up, i told her i couldn't do this, and until she figured things out it was best for her to go and stay at her parents. she dropped to her knees and begged me not to leave her, she begged me to stay and promised me that she would stop talking to this girl, she repeated over and over again that she can't lose me as i am the love of her life. i told her she needed to give me some time to think.

 

She went to work, i told her when she finished we needed to have a brutally honest conversation about us, and where we are going. which we did. she told me i was the love of her life.. again and that she couldn't lose me, she promised me she hasn't cheated on me physically (which i believe) but stated she could not forgive herself for allowing herself to be attracted to another woman whilst she was with me. she went on to tell me that she was disgusted with herself, she laid cuddling me telling me she was fat and ugly, to which i obviously told her she was stupid for thinking and that until the day i die, i will always tell her how beautiful she is to me.

 

i took her shirt off to discover she had cut her arms on purpose, i asked her if it was because of me, because if it was i would walk away, to which she said it wasn't and that she just lost control. she stayed with me that night, crying, cuddling me and kissing me telling me how sorry she was, how she couldn't lose me and she would fix it.

 

the next morning comes, she goes to work telling me she loves me. comes home and without a shed of emotion tells me its over. of course i was confused, considering how passionately tight she held me whilst we cuddled the night before and how remorseful she was for feeling anything for this girl.

 

and now a month later, she has given me a million reasons why we are over, of course i have asked if shes left me for this girl, to which she says no.. she she was there to comfort me when we split up, and now i don't know how i feel for her. shes told me she loves but isnt in love with me blah blah blah. but she wanted to be friends. I told her, i cannot be friends with you, if you are not going to be my girlfriend, then i am sorry i cannot be your friend. she broke down crying telling me she loved me and missed her best friend, and she couldn't imagine her life without me in it...

 

she contacts me occasionally asking how i am, or calls randomly to say shes worried about me, every phonecall ends with "i love you, i miss you" however she is seeing this girl!?

 

as you can imagine i am very confused, she has gone from a honest, pure, loving girl, to someone unrecognisable, her family don't recognise her, she usually puts her family before anything, and now she is not bothering, shes almost changing herself, and lying about herself to please this girl.

 

of course i love her with all of my heart, and i am healing now, however i want her back

 

someone help me

[EO422]

Got the same bs from my gf..love you but not in love with you blah blah blah...BS...they probably have gigs..wanna see what else is out there...let them go...all you can do..move on yourself. Don't think about "they may come back"etc...NO..just move on...I'm trying to accept it just like you are..I still get mad...if it's meant to be..she will come back years down the road..or you two will meet up somehow...that's when you know it's meant to be..as for yourself ..get into gigs..go out and date. Learn stuff about yourself. Learn about other relationships. Etc...

 

It's FREAKING petty that they do this crap...we are both mature you and I. We KNOW that gigs is a bunch of Bs..our Ex SO doesn't realize that yet and unfortunately are not smart enough to realize this..all that's left is for them to experience it...that's all I can say. Move on, yall down the road a few years later may meet up and get back together again..which will be BETTER anyways...you will both have grown..will be better..so stay cool about it. It's not the end of the world..and who knows..someone else may come along and sweep you back up and never want to look back and not give twob****s about the ex ever again!

Edited September 9, 2015 by EO422

[lost_girl1]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through the same thing! because it honestly sucks! its like the person you knew on every level all of a sudden becomes the one person you thought they'd never be

 

 

I know i have to move on, and I am doing better, I guess its just difficult to understand, she always initiated the conversations about our future, I was the one who got cold feet, nothing major, i'd talk to my mum about how I was feeling, and talk to her about it too.

 

Even now she's telling her family she knows she will regret what she's done, but she can't see a way of fixing things. She tells me she's always here for me, and will always care for me. I guess I am just confused.. Shes acting like I am the one who broke up with her. She cries with her family saying how amazing i am, how perfect i am, and how she doesn't think she will find someone like me... She's still bragging about what i am like in the bedroom!

 

I want to go N/C but its difficult due to how close I am with her family, and the fact her nephew calls me aunty, I have a love for him like he's my nephew....

 

its just weird! so out of character!

[EO422]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through the same thing! because it honestly sucks! its like the person you knew on every level all of a sudden becomes the one person you thought they'd never be

 

 

I know i have to move on, and I am doing better, I guess its just difficult to understand, she always initiated the conversations about our future, I was the one who got cold feet, nothing major, i'd talk to my mum about how I was feeling, and talk to her about it too.

 

Even now she's telling her family she knows she will regret what she's done, but she can't see a way of fixing things. She tells me she's always here for me, and will always care for me. I guess I am just confused.. Shes acting like I am the one who broke up with her. She cries with her family saying how amazing i am, how perfect i am, and how she doesn't think she will find someone like me... She's still bragging about what i am like in the bedroom!

 

I want to go N/C but its difficult due to how close I am with her family, and the fact her nephew calls me aunty, I have a love for him like he's my nephew....

 

its just weird! so out of character!

 

 

 

I know. It really does suck! If you want to talk about it just send me a DM on here instead so it doesn't spam the forums lol..

 

Anyways I know. It does suck. I know my gf still cares about me to..which makes me think "well why is she doing this then?" Its so confusing and makes no sense...it's just..we need to let it go and worry about ourselves

[Downtown]

i took her shirt off to discover she had cut her arms on purpose

LostGirl, the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5) lists "self-harming behavior such as cutting" for only one disorder: BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). That is, of the 157 disorders listed in DSM-5, only BPD has cutting listed as a defining trait. Moreover, many studies have shown that self harm like cutting is strongly associated with BPD. A 2004 hospital study, for example, found that

Self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but

the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder

. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma.

See

J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004

.

If your exGF really does have strong BPD traits, you should have been seeing most of the other BPD warning signs over the past two and a half years. I therefore suggest you take a look at my list of BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid repeating the painful experience -- i.e., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like the one you left (if she has strong BPD traits). Take care, LostGirl.

[EO422]

LostGirl, the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5) lists "self-harming behavior such as cutting" for only one disorder: BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). That is, of the 157 disorders listed in DSM-5, only BPD has cutting listed as a defining trait. Moreover, many studies have shown that self harm like cutting is strongly associated with BPD. A 2004 hospital study, for example, found that

Self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but

the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder

. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma.

See

J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004

.

If your exGF really does have strong BPD traits, you should have been seeing most of the other BPD warning signs over the past two and a half years. I therefore suggest you take a look at my list of BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid repeating the painful experience -- i.e., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like the one you left (if she has strong BPD traits). Take care, LostGirl.

 

 

Your ex Gf does not have bdp....maybe she does, but then in that case maybe I do, Maybe you do, maybe your friends do...cutting is just a symptom...like so many other symptoms of diseases etc...

 

I doubt your ex has bdp...people cut because of many other things. Sometimes they think it's the only way to deal with stress, which its not. But it works for them so they do it.

 

Listen, I know people who cut. Stop trying to make her diagnose her gf. People do stuff they regret when there mind is not in the right place and emotions take over.

 

Although, I do think you should be concerned and take care of her. Not directly, but you need to alert her family of this so she can go and get the correct help she needs. It does NOT mean she has bdp...no one can diagnose that except a psychiatrist themselves. Make sure she gets help if she is cutting, this is something serious and could be deathly.

[lost_girl1]

To be honest, I don't think she has a personality disorder. This new girl she is seeing however does, maybe I am being nieve but I feel like this girl has got inside my exs head, we had savings, well over 5000 admittedly more hers than mine... I find out today that due to this girl being in massive amounts of debt mu ex has "lent it to her". I don't know if its just me, but I do feel this girl has manipulated my ex. one thing my ex was always insecure about was her weight (I didn't see it, she wasn't big, but not tiny either) and through conversations my ex told me about when I was together, this girl has used that in a way. I went from being my girls port of call on all of her issues for two and a half years, to my ex saying that this girl is the only one who understands her... despite the fact she has a massive support base in her family and as silly as this sounds, she will always have in me. ahhh I don't know shes just changed so much!