Monstrous trigger

[qubist]

"should?" I'd never tell someone how quickly they "should" be healing. But even so, he IS feeling a lot better by now, as evidenced by his stories about the loving relationship he is having with his FWW.

 

 

I also happen to think there is a world of difference between a trigger....and running into the OM in person.

 

I "triggered" watching a friggen George Clooney movie recently. I SAW RED when I ran into OM on the street.

 

Trustedthenbusted: I went and read OP's initial thread and some of his other threads. as a matter of fact this isn't the first time he sees AP, strange thing that he actually run to him face to face with his wife in a party few days after dday where Ap had to pass by their table many times in his way to the bathroom. there was no reaction at all he was able to control him self. in another thread the AP followed them while he was in a rental car, until they stop in a parking lot.

so why this time is different. I really think it was a trigger unless there is another explanation i can't see

Edited September 10, 2015 by qubist

[HereNorThere]

I think elephant in the room isn't the trigger itself by the the WW handled it. She should be less concerned about her image and more concerned about him.

 

That would really, really bother me, because it shows that she's still more concerned with how she looks and feels as opposed to OP.

[Jkidding]

but are we all supposed to pretand to be stupid here?

 

I guess yes When I was cheated I was like... crazy. Absolutely. I was foolish, dumb and all the names you can think of. And it lasted almost 2 years. You can not reason with a man who was cheated. Nor we can judge. After all it's a major decision what to do and everybody has to make one.

[Jkidding]

I think elephant in the room isn't the trigger itself by the the WW handled it. She should be less concerned about her image and more concerned about him.

 

That would really, really bother me, because it shows that she's still more concerned with how she looks and feels as opposed to OP.

 

Well. But we do that. Buying things we don't need for money we don't have to impress people we don't like so here is something similar. We are social beings and try very hard not to cause any havoc. Only few people with no social skills (or super skills) are blessed to do whatever their hearts desire.

Edited September 10, 2015 by Jkidding

[qubist]

Well. But we do that. Buying things we don't need for money we don't have to impress people we don't like so here is something similar. We are social beings and try very hard not to cause any havoc. Only few people with no social skills (or super skills) are blessed to do whatever their hearts desire.

 

i have not met a human being who has no social skills nor super skills. . we all do it. I can see why she didn't want him to look bad or affected. it doesn't have to mean anything it is just a behavior

[TrustedthenBusted]

Trustedthenbusted: I went and read OP's initial thread and some of his other threads. as a matter of fact this isn't the first time he sees AP, strange thing that he actually run to him face to face with his wife in a party few days after dday where Ap had to pass by their table many times in his way to the bathroom. there was no reaction at all he was able to control him self. in another thread the AP followed them while he was in a rental car, until they stop in a parking lot.

so why this time is different. I really think it was a trigger unless there is another explanation i can't see

 

Word. Fist Bump. High Five. All that stuff.

 

I guess I'm as guilty as the next guy of taking my own stuff and pressing it into another's experience. But I slapped OM around 6 years ago, and spent an afternoon in the hoosegow for it. I regret it, and have said many many times I will not do it again.

 

But truth be told...if that little turd hadn't moved across the country, and if I ever ran into him again...I dunno. I think my turd-slapping reflexes might get the better of me again and it's be another night in the pokey for ol' T&B.

 

Is that misplaced? I don't think so. Stupid? Definitely.

 

What I'm saying is I can relate to the OP and his getting the shakes over it.

 

And maybe, as a result, I'm really not hearing anyone else.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

Why do you allow your wife to tell you what to do?

[Jkidding]

Why do you allow your wife to tell you what to do?

 

It's a western thing. Sorry your nickname suggests you're from east, right? You can call it conditioning but it is how things are here. Look from the other perspective: can you tell your wife what to do? Here both can tell each other what to do. Sometimes one listens sometimes not, but the other can't really do anything about it. Anything legal.

[road]

I simply find it childlish that he feels this animalistic fury toward the OM while being so hopelessly in love with the person who actually hurt him the most. Did NoCamelot dance with the OM on his wedding day? Nope! So, why does he feel such violent anger toward the OM who actually owns him nothing? Is there a chance that he, like most betrayed husbands, is simply misplacing his rage because he is too weak to see his wayward wife for who she really is?

 

You are asking how my post is helping him to heal. Well, it doesn't but are we all supposed to pretand to be stupid here? I just pointed out where the real source of his anger is and it isn't the OM. That's all.

 

Some day people will learn that there is never going to be the need to forgive the AP for there is no need or motivation to do so. The BS forgives the WS and moves past the affair otherwise there can never be recovery.

[road]

Notcamelots WW was right to tell her BH to not show any emotion or even acknowledge the OM.

 

 

It has nothing to do with the WW but with the BH not empowering the OM. To make a scene with words will not gain anything worth of value.

 

 

To make a scene physically will only involve the police, criminal records, civil suits.

 

 

This is why after an affair has ended it is best for the WS and the BS move far away to recover their marriage because all local triggers will be removed.

[Jkidding]

It has nothing to do with the WW but with the BH not empowering the OM. To make a scene with words will not gain anything worth of value.

 

I do not agree. Why would you think OM is going to be empowered in any way? Like OM was taking pleasure hurting him.. He was probably not thinking about him at all. So how can one be empowered about something he does not care? But what he could do is majorly screw up the OM life. Talking about things in front of his wife and children would at very least make OM get no sex for another week and at best facing divorce. Now how much value in that I do not know. But sometimes you want to be bad to ones who have been bad to you.

[Chi townD]

Could be wrong, but I'm gonna hazard a guess that after 3 1/2 years and they are still together, she probably has learned some things, and maybe, unlike the party line, the OP doesn't see any real benefit or secondary gain of making her pay forever.

 

 

Triggers are the weirdest things and there's really no time limit on them. You could be watching a commercial and it has a guy eating a banana, and that banana looks good and the only place you see banana's that fresh is at your local market. And that's the same local market that your WW/WH meet their AP in the produce section. And then BAM! You're triggered.

[NotCamelot]

Notcamelots WW was right to tell her BH to not show any emotion or even acknowledge the OM.

 

 

It has nothing to do with the WW but with the BH not empowering the OM. To make a scene with words will not gain anything worth of value.

 

This is pretty much what she was getting at. It was not protecting her image. It was very simply that I should not let him know that it upset me to see him. Not giving him any idea that it still effects me.

 

 

I think I am ok with this thinking. However, I most certainly do not want him to get the idea that I am now nor ever will be "ok" with "him". I would much prefer that he be "bothered" by the thought or sight of me.

 

 

In other words, I don't want him to think that, by seeing me not upset at his sight, what happened was and still is not a big deal to me. I would rather that he know that it still infuriates me.

 

 

Some here seem to think that my W was concerned about herself. Not the case at all. She was very comforting to me. Holding, hugging, assuring...... She just did not want me going to jail, or anything like that. And, I agree, there would be no good outcome from that. The personal satisfaction I would get would be fleeting at best. He would still exist in this world and a chance meeting could happen again....so nothing gained except staining my heretofore spotless record.

 

 

And, with their kids there, would it be decent of me to inflict damage, verbally and/or physically, on their father? They, at now 7 and 10, are obviously oblivious to all of this. I know that I am a much better person than he. I could not subject those kids to something that they would long remember. Their only thought would be horror and a disgust for me. They would only know and believe what they would be told by their parents.

 

 

My W was right. I should never let him know that it upsets me to see him. She did NOT say it should upset me.......just don't let him know it. That is exactly what she was saying. Maybe I did not state this clearly in the first post. The OM should never have any idea that he has any "power" at all over me.

[NotCamelot]

Some day people will learn that there is never going to be the need to forgive the AP for there is no need or motivation to do so. The BS forgives the WS and moves past the affair otherwise there can never be recovery.

 

Exactly.....

[autumnnight]

Triggers are the weirdest things and there's really no time limit on them. You could be watching a commercial and it has a guy eating a banana, and that banana looks good and the only place you see banana's that fresh is at your local market. And that's the same local market that your WW/WH meet their AP in the produce section. And then BAM! You're triggered.

 

I agree. I still trigger many years after a couple of bad experiences. However...there is a difference between dealing with a trigger years later and making sure someone knows how awful they are years later. The former is healthy. The latter is not.

[katielee]

I will say, from experience, that seeing the AP of your WS is a pretty awful trigger. I can handle seeing cars, reminders, places he took them to - on my own. But I really think seeing the person is very different, and many have extenuating circumstances - stalking, harrassing, or in my case - I caught them making out. I'm guessing I'll have a fight/flight reaction when I see either OW for the rest of my life. I hope not, but that's what trauma does to you.

Working on oneself or forgiving or putting the blame where it belongs (on the WS not the AP) is really beside the point.

[autumnnight]

I will say, from experience, that seeing the AP of your WS is a pretty awful trigger. I can handle seeing cars, reminders, places he took them to - on my own. But I really think seeing the person is very different, and many have extenuating circumstances - stalking, harrassing, or in my case - I caught them making out. I'm guessing I'll have a fight/flight reaction when I see either OW for the rest of my life. I hope not, but that's what trauma does to you.

Working on oneself or forgiving or putting the blame where it belongs (on the WS not the AP) is really beside the point.

 

Oh I am sure it is terrible. I remember seeing the man who killed a friend of mine at a restaurant one time, and I shook all over. He had served his manslaughter time, but I still wanted to just go to his table and rage and make him feel awful.

 

That isn't the same, but triggers ARE terrible.

 

In reading more than just this thread, it is evident that THIS OM rubbed things in the OP's face every which way and kind of lived to torment him for awhile. THAT is why the wife encouraged him to be calm - so that OM wouldn't have more satisfaction. Which would have been evident (and was actually stated by the OP) had people read and not just gone down the knee jerk path.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

It's a western thing. Sorry your nickname suggests you're from east, right? You can call it conditioning but it is how things are here. Look from the other perspective: can you tell your wife what to do? Here both can tell each other what to do. Sometimes one listens sometimes not, but the other can't really do anything about it. Anything legal.

No I am from NYC.

 

By the OP's own analysis, his wife is barking orders at him to not let it be known that seeing this guy bothers him.

 

But it does bother him. Understandably so.

 

The OP even wrote that "For some reason that is important to her from an "image" point of view."

 

The image is important. The reality, less so.

 

I saw the OP's analysis that he dearly loves his wife and their time together recently has been great. I doubt it. If that were true, none of this would have bothered him.

 

But it did.

 

She's telling him to keep up appearances, and from the limited narrative it comes across to me that it is more for her sake, less for his.

 

This sucks. My girlfriend can tell me what to do within reason. But this is him giving a lot, her taking a lot, and that's that.

[autumnnight]

No I am from NYC.

 

By the OP's own analysis, his wife is barking orders at him to not let it be known that seeing this guy bothers him.

 

But it does bother him. Understandably so.

 

The OP even wrote that "For some reason that is important to her from an "image" point of view."

 

The image is important. The reality, less so.

 

I saw the OP's analysis that he dearly loves his wife and their time together recently has been great. I doubt it. If that were true, none of this would have bothered him.

 

But it did.

 

She's telling him to keep up appearances, and from the limited narrative it comes across to me that it is more for her sake, less for his.

 

This sucks. My girlfriend can tell me what to do within reason. But this is him giving a lot, her taking a lot, and that's that.

 

AGAIN...read everything the OP has written about his situation and maybe some of his other threads regarding what the OM did to him post D-Day.

 

It's not as simple as some would like it to be.

[badkarma2013]

Triggers are the weirdest things and there's really no time limit on them. You could be watching a commercial and it has a guy eating a banana, and that banana looks good and the only place you see banana's that fresh is at your local market. And that's the same local market that your WW/WH meet their AP in the produce section. And then BAM! You're triggered.

 

I agree. I will state again MOST BHs enter into reconciliation Knowing full well they will Never get over their WWs affair EVER...They struggle for years with triggers ...self esteem issues and angst untold...WHY...

 

I burned Everything and Everyone associated with my WWs A to the ground and I outed the Om to his BW and she destroyed him in their Divorce..

 

Now My ww lives alone her family will not communicate with her and ...I NEVER trigger... Badkarma indeed...

[badkarma2013]

I agree. I will state again MOST BHs enter into reconciliation Knowing full well they will Never get over their WWs affair EVER...They struggle for years with triggers ...self esteem issues and angst untold...WHY...

 

I burned Everything and Everyone associated with my WWs A to the ground and I outed the Om to his BW and she destroyed him in their Divorce..

 

Now My ww lives alone her family will not communicate with her and ...I NEVER trigger... Badkarma indeed...

 

 

 

P.S. If you want to kick someones Ass ..Start with your WW...She is the one who Lied,Deceived and Betrayed you and your marriage.....

[qubist]

OP: I still don't understand why you didn't have the same reaction when you saw the OM face to face only few days after the Dday?

I think you are not over this yet although your relationship with your W is currently at its best. you should talk to your therapist about it

[NotCamelot]

OP: I still don't understand why you didn't have the same reaction when you saw the OM face to face only few days after the Dday?

I think you are not over this yet although your relationship with your W is currently at its best. you should talk to your therapist about it

 

That evening was really quite different. 2 weeks past D-day. In a bar, surrounded by friends from work - 1 of which is his cousin.

 

 

I was doing my best to prove to me that I could make things work. It was not easy. However, I was more concentrated on my wife that night than OM.

 

 

I don't know that I will ever be "over" this. I don't know or believe that any of us ever get to that. But, I know that she loves me and only me and me for her. That is certain.

[qubist]

I spent 2 hours last night reading all you threads I relived your story from start to now and I have to tell you man what a journey. What got my intention the most was your initial reaction to the A how calm you were and how patient you were despite her uncertitude at that time, I hope I'm not bringing back some bad memories but I just thought your reaction was worth a salut. I wouldn't have understood it 2 years ago.

You said :

I don't know that I will ever be "over" this. I don't know or believe that any of us ever get to that.

If your definition of "being over" is forgetting you will never get over it . But I think getting over it should mean not being bothered by to a significant degree. I'm not sure you there yet and I hope you realize the difference between your reaction to A and what you are feeling toward your wife now. I understand she s been doing all she could to assure you and you are enjoying each other's but unless the A is really behind to a point where you don't have to literally shiver when you face a trigger you should still be concerned

[TX-SC]

Can someone link to the original story I want to? read it before commenting.