Monstrous trigger

[NotCamelot]

Some of you may remember me.....I haven't dropped in here very much in the last year.

 

 

To recap, 3 1/2 years past D-day in a wonderful love affair with my former wayward wife. Things really are great between and with us.

 

 

Trigger event? Here is what happened:

 

 

Three days ago, Sunday, we were at grocery store on the way home. It had been another incredibly loving day; just the two of us roaming around with nothing to do but enjoy each other.

 

 

She was pushing cart and we made a turn. I looked down an aisle. There was her former AP with his wife and two kids. His wife looked directly at me and stared as she was walking my direction. His back was to me, leaning against shopping cart.

 

 

I did not know if my W saw anything. I was incredibly shocked and shaken. I muttered, I thought quietly, "son of a bitch". My W quickly grabbed my hand and said, "What is it?" I said, "Nothing."

 

 

She sped up and said, "Come one." She never let go of me. I noticed I was shaking. We turned down an aisle to get an item. She said, "You've got to calm down. Did they see you?" I said, "She did." She said, "You need to calm down. Don't let them know it bothers you." I put the item in the cart. She said, "Come on, let's go. We will get the rest tomorrow. We don't need you to make a scene in here."

 

 

We immediately checked out and left the store. I felt really uneasy about that. I did not want them to see us leave. However, I can't say what may have happened if we had stayed.

 

 

She said she knew what I had seen by the look on my face and my reaction. That may be true. But I think she saw them and hoped that I did not.

 

 

On the drive home, I got a little lecture about how I should not let it be known that it bothered me to see him. And, if it happens again, I need to act like it does not so that they don't know. For some reason that is important to her from an "image" point of view.

 

 

Obviously, a lot of memories came rushing back into my head. I was shaken for a few hours.

 

 

Everything is fine. I guess this was bound to happen sooner or later. I am just glad it happened where it did. I swear, after everything that went down after D-day, back then, there is no telling what would happen if it had not been such a public place.

 

 

I just wanted to relate this to some that would understand. No problems to solve here. No real help needed. I imagine this went down as calmly as it could. She continues to prove her love every day. It really has been a great 3 1/2 years.

 

 

My memories of that time were few and far between. Now, it is going to be in my mind more frequently for a bit. I just have to remember she did not cause what happened Sunday.

[BetrayedH]

She doesn't want them to have that power over you. And if they still do have that power, she doesn't want them to know it.

 

Put it behind you, brother.

[Satu]

Just a bump in the road, OP.

 

You'll be fine.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Some of you may remember me.....I haven't dropped in here very much in the last year.

 

 

To recap, 3 1/2 years past D-day in a wonderful love affair with my former wayward wife. Things really are great between and with us.

 

 

Trigger event? Here is what happened:

 

 

Three days ago, Sunday, we were at grocery store on the way home. It had been another incredibly loving day; just the two of us roaming around with nothing to do but enjoy each other.

 

 

She was pushing cart and we made a turn. I looked down an aisle. There was her former AP with his wife and two kids. His wife looked directly at me and stared as she was walking my direction. His back was to me, leaning against shopping cart.

 

 

I did not know if my W saw anything. I was incredibly shocked and shaken. I muttered, I thought quietly, "son of a bitch". My W quickly grabbed my hand and said, "What is it?" I said, "Nothing."

 

 

She sped up and said, "Come one." She never let go of me. I noticed I was shaking. We turned down an aisle to get an item. She said, "You've got to calm down. Did they see you?" I said, "She did." She said, "You need to calm down. Don't let them know it bothers you." I put the item in the cart. She said, "Come on, let's go. We will get the rest tomorrow. We don't need you to make a scene in here."

 

 

We immediately checked out and left the store. I felt really uneasy about that. I did not want them to see us leave. However, I can't say what may have happened if we had stayed.

 

 

She said she knew what I had seen by the look on my face and my reaction. That may be true. But I think she saw them and hoped that I did not.

 

 

On the drive home, I got a little lecture about how I should not let it be known that it bothered me to see him. And, if it happens again, I need to act like it does not so that they don't know. For some reason that is important to her from an "image" point of view.

 

 

Obviously, a lot of memories came rushing back into my head. I was shaken for a few hours.

 

 

Everything is fine. I guess this was bound to happen sooner or later. I am just glad it happened where it did. I swear, after everything that went down after D-day, back then, there is no telling what would happen if it had not been such a public place.

 

 

I just wanted to relate this to some that would understand. No problems to solve here. No real help needed. I imagine this went down as calmly as it could. She continues to prove her love every day. It really has been a great 3 1/2 years.

 

 

My memories of that time were few and far between. Now, it is going to be in my mind more frequently for a bit. I just have to remember she did not cause what happened Sunday.

 

 

You know that scene you were trying to avoid?

 

I didn't avoid it. My scenario ended with with OM in a chokehold with a bloddy nose listening to death threats, and ultimately my a$$ in the back seat of a patrol car, and a permanent blemish on an otherwise spotless criminal record.

 

Worth it? Meh.... probably not.

 

I understand your wife's point of view...not wanting confrontation or any further embarrassment... But I'm also a man, and I know how hard that must have been for you.

 

Ya done good.

[troubadour]

NoCamelot, I remember your story.

 

I understand your anger toward OM but you have to keep in mind that he didn't rape your wife. She was more than willing to have an affair with him. Do you remember how beautifully she played you for a fool in order to meeet him at the hotel in another city? Yes, the OM is a lowlife but is your wife really better than him?

 

I am glad to hear that you are doing fine.

[TrustedthenBusted]

NoCamelot, I remember your story.

 

I understand your anger toward OM but you have to keep in mind that he didn't rape your wife. She was more than willing to have an affair with him. Do you remember how beautifully she played you for a fool in order to meeet him at the hotel in another city? Yes, the OM is a lowlife but is your wife really better than him?

 

I am glad to hear that you are doing fine.

 

I don't see where tearing his wife down helps him in any way. They've agreed to move on, and have found a way to have a loving relationship AFTER betrayal.

 

He is obviously acutely aware of what she did...hence the awful trigger. What benefit is there to drudging it all up for him again?

 

His anger at the OM is fully justified, regardless of his wife's involvement.

 

Let people heal. Isn't that why we're here?

[Sastrugi]

I don't see where tearing his wife down helps him in any way. They've agreed to move on, and have found a way to have a loving relationship AFTER betrayal.

 

He is obviously acutely aware of what she did...hence the awful trigger. What benefit is there to drudging it all up for him again?

 

His anger at the OM is fully justified, regardless of his wife's involvement.

 

Let people heal. Isn't that why we're here?

 

 

Could not have said it better myself

[Chi townD]

I don't see where tearing his wife down helps him in any way. They've agreed to move on, and have found a way to have a loving relationship AFTER betrayal.

 

He is obviously acutely aware of what she did...hence the awful trigger. What benefit is there to drudging it all up for him again?

 

His anger at the OM is fully justified, regardless of his wife's involvement.

 

Let people heal. Isn't that why we're here?

 

 

What I don't like is his WW telling him that it shouldn't let it bother him and if it does, then don't show it.

 

 

Sorry, I don't agree with that. If he triggers, then he triggers. And if it results in some angry feelings and pain, then he needs to vent that out. Not "rug sweep" it until it subsides by putting on a "happy face". All that does is build up until it gets too big to contain and he's going to explode.

 

 

Now, I'm not saying he should have beat the hell out of him in the middle of the store. But, he should be able to vent his frustrations and not bury them. Triggers will happen. And when they do, he might slash out at his wife for what happened. It's part of the price you pay when you cheat but want to reconcile. It's part of that emotional rollercoaster.

 

 

Winston Churchill said, "If you find yourself walking through hell, keep walking" Meaning, that sooner or later you're going to get to the other side. But, you'll have to endure a little hell before you get there. You'll never get to the other side if he's being told to hide in hell.

Edited September 10, 2015 by Chi townD

[TrustedthenBusted]

What I don't like is his WW telling him that it shouldn't let it bother him and if it does, then don't show it.

 

 

Sorry, I don't agree with that.

 

I don't either. I can understand her panic, but not the ride-home lecture. That said, my only issue was with an earlier response that I thought was out of line.

 

I think the OP and his wife have found a way to work together on this stuff, and will get through this one the same way. My guess is that rug-sweeping is not a huge part of their healing process, aside from this random and difficult sighting.

[qubist]

 

I think the OP and his wife have found a way to work together on this stuff, and will get through this one the same way. My guess is that rug-sweeping is not a huge part of their healing process, aside from this random and difficult sighting.

You maybe right but the way he reacted was worrying, it's been 3 years and a half he should be feeling better by now. I do understand the triggers affects and the anger toward the OM but not to a point where he would be shivering

[troubadour]

I don't see where tearing his wife down helps him in any way. They've agreed to move on, and have found a way to have a loving relationship AFTER betrayal.

 

He is obviously acutely aware of what she did...hence the awful trigger. What benefit is there to drudging it all up for him again?

 

His anger at the OM is fully justified, regardless of his wife's involvement.

 

Let people heal. Isn't that why we're here?

 

 

I simply find it childlish that he feels this animalistic fury toward the OM while being so hopelessly in love with the person who actually hurt him the most. Did NoCamelot dance with the OM on his wedding day? Nope! So, why does he feel such violent anger toward the OM who actually owns him nothing? Is there a chance that he, like most betrayed husbands, is simply misplacing his rage because he is too weak to see his wayward wife for who she really is?

 

You are asking how my post is helping him to heal. Well, it doesn't but are we all supposed to pretand to be stupid here? I just pointed out where the real source of his anger is and it isn't the OM. That's all.

[NotCamelot]

I don't want to go into all the guts and gore, but go back and read the disgusting saga that I had to endure from the OM. After D-day, I was threatened, stalked, emailed, and various crap to the point that we both had to secure TPO against the idiot..... he even chased us though town while my W was on the phone with the police until they could get to us.

 

 

SO.....at this point, I am and will forever be quite furious for the things he did after the A was over. Psychotic idiot. Again, I don't want to talk about any of that. The future is my focus.....and it looks good!

[bluefeather]

I don't know your story, but that sounds completely normal. I would have probably reacted the same. Hey, you know what, it's a wonky situation. You have permission to be human and act accordingly. As an example, if someone I cared about died years ago, I could eventually get over it and be ok. But if one day, I saw a picture of that person, many feelings of pain will come back up. It's natural.

 

What is not natural would be for a person to hold onto that feeling and continue to fester in it longer and longer for the rest of forever. I don't think you need to hide your pain, at least not to her, and especially not to yourself. But if you wish things to be alright, I would suggest that you experience it, and then let it go.

[afoolto no end]

I think triggers are things that just bring back the physical part of the feelings you had when you were living it the first time, it is an automatic result or a horrible memory.

I think leaving was the right thing to do, of course he wants to hurt OM, he stole something from him, the OM was selfish…….he has every right to be angry with both of them.

I think the wife should have only worried about him and not some image thing.

She should have taken care of him in those moments.

Adultery changes people, the BS will never be the same and situations like this are the bad days that come with it……

They seem to be working things out …….and that takes a lot from both sides.

My only suggestion would be to grocery shop some where else………and forget about that ……….it takes a very long time to get over an affair……..

[katielee]

"You need to calm down. Don't let them know it bothers you." We don't need you to make a scene in here."

 

 

If my husband told me how to handle my triggers I would be livid, especially the "don't let them know..." like I have to do some sort of acting job for their benefit. No way.

If I told him not to cause a scene if he saw my AP I would be kicked out on my a$$. I would say "do what you need to do honey, with my full approval and money to bail you out of jail."

[bluefeather]

I would say "do what you need to do honey, with my full approval and money to bail you out of jail."

 

That's hot.

[NotCamelot]

Her point is that I should not let him know that it upsets me to see him. I can understand and, I do agree, that he should feel that he is insignificant to me.

[katielee]

As long as you guys have a plan notcamelot. Perfectly understandable that it was a strong reaction.

[TrustedthenBusted]

You maybe right but the way he reacted was worrying, it's been 3 years and a half he should be feeling better by now. I do understand the triggers affects and the anger toward the OM but not to a point where he would be shivering

 

"should?" I'd never tell someone how quickly they "should" be healing. But even so, he IS feeling a lot better by now, as evidenced by his stories about the loving relationship he is having with his FWW.

 

 

I also happen to think there is a world of difference between a trigger....and running into the OM in person.

 

I "triggered" watching a friggen George Clooney movie recently. I SAW RED when I ran into OM on the street.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I simply find it childlish that he feels this animalistic fury toward the OM while being so hopelessly in love with the person who actually hurt him the most. Did NoCamelot dance with the OM on his wedding day? Nope! So, why does he feel such violent anger toward the OM who actually owns him nothing? Is there a chance that he, like most betrayed husbands, is simply misplacing his rage because he is too weak to see his wayward wife for who she really is?

 

You are asking how my post is helping him to heal. Well, it doesn't but are we all supposed to pretand to be stupid here? I just pointed out where the real source of his anger is and it isn't the OM. That's all.

 

What's childish is your implied notion that the OP should feel exactly the way you feel about it all. Fury toward the AP? That's about as natural a human instinct as there is! Perhaps our most primal! And to think that you need to remind him of her crime? Come on man...

 

And make no mistake... APs who are aware of spouses are SURELY committing a horrible act that merit rage and a response of nearly any magnitude. They know it, which is why they too go to great lengths to hide their activities.

 

You ask why they should not be the object of a BS's rage? I ask, why should they be let off the hook?

 

At least his wife apologized, has ostensibly improved herself, and has recommitted. OP has a vested interest in a life with her.

 

What has OM done, besides walk away squeaky clean? OP owes HIM nothing...except maybe an ass whoopin.

[NotCamelot]

And make no mistake... APs who are aware of spouses are SURELY committing a horrible act that merit rage and a response of nearly any magnitude. They know it, which is why they too go to great lengths to hide their activities.

 

EXACTLY. Thanks for clearly explaining this. I could not have said this any better.

[Chi townD]

Dude, triggers happen. And they happen at the weirdess times. Do not feel like you did anything wrong with your reaction. It was completely normal. And especially seeing the OM is the ultimate trigger.

 

 

You did well. But, if something is bothering you, communicate it! And if you're angry, communicate it. That's the only way you're going to be able to let it go and it's the only way that your WW will truly see how her actions affected you and hopefully will let her learn from her mistakes.

[autumnnight]

Dude, triggers happen. And they happen at the weirdess times. Do not feel like you did anything wrong with your reaction. It was completely normal. And especially seeing the OM is the ultimate trigger.

 

 

You did well. But, if something is bothering you, communicate it! And if you're angry, communicate it. That's the only way you're going to be able to let it go and it's the only way that your WW will truly see how her actions affected you and hopefully will let her learn from her mistakes.

 

 

Could be wrong, but I'm gonna hazard a guess that after 3 1/2 years and they are still together, she probably has learned some things, and maybe, unlike the party line, the OP doesn't see any real benefit or secondary gain of making her pay forever.

[Tobin]

There are always going to be reminders and triggers, as long as you are with her, and she doesn't seem to be very concerned about anything other than what people might think of you when you're having these breakdowns.

 

That's just sad.

 

Good luck man, as long as you're with her you're going to need it.

Edited September 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Jkidding]

Actually... You could pull some really nice tricks on him since he is with wife and kids. You know cause some pain for him and his family. And superstore is a perfect environment for that. I know your wife would be pissed, but .... <despicable me>. I am of course not talking about violence.

Edited September 10, 2015 by Jkidding