blackcat777 Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 I am going to advise going complete no contact in this situation. The sooner you get this guy off your radar, the faster you can heal. Block him everywhere. Don't cyber snoop. Don't look to see if he's online. Don't anything. Let him go. He wanted something very casual... and rejected you many times. I'm sorry, it hurts, it sucks, but it is over. Please try to understand: every time you reach out to him, he is going to reject you again. You will never get the connection or intimacy that you crave. (I'm shocked this guy was as clear as he was and didn't just ignore you or lead you on--that isn't commonplace in the electronic age.) Every single time he rejects you, it's going to tear your wounds open fresh. You will bleed, bleed, and bleed, until you give yourself that space and distance to heal. It feels harsh and terrible, and it will continue you to feel that way for a bit, compounded with your other loss, and for that I am very sorry. What you need to do is pour a TON of love into yourself, friend time, hobbies, manis and pedis. When I dealt with my worst moments of heartbreak, I found a dance class to be extremely helpful, because I'm a very physical person, and all the energy I would have spent on sex and cuddling, I could relieve through joyful physical movement. And it was good for me, kept me looking good. Self-esteem boosters are super important when recovering from feelings of rejection. I'm very sorry you're hurting. I implore you to consider the concept of how reaching out is only ever going to tear open the same pain, and for no reason. Give yourself lots of love. It's 110% okay to cry. It's okay to not be okay. Just keep being good to yourself, even in times of darkness... it's the fastest path to being okay again. (When you realize you were strong enough to let something that hurt you go, once the wounds start to heal, you may even feel stronger than ever. ) You need to quit this guy cold turkey. Being friends will only hurt you. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason for rejection, and that's okay. It doesn't have anything to do with your worth as a person. You need to focus on loving up yourself until you feel solid in your self-worth again... solid enough to handle rejection. Dating includes lots of rejection without explanation, plus lots of other weird experiences, which is why you want to go into it from a sturdy, healed place... otherwise it will mess with your head and you might start thinking things about yourself that aren't true. 3
Popsicle Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 Most guys who are 10+ years younger than the woman just want a good time. They do not and will not see a future with her beyond next week so saying anything heavy like ILY will scare them. This is especially true if They are self-aware. 1
Popsicle Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 Oh and do NOT stay friends with him. That would be a huge mistake. 1
Qboro90 Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 Oh jeez. Honestly , it's no surprise that this guy wanted to end things with you. That chat is exactly the reason why men lie to women and make up excuses for wanting to end things. You simply would not take no for an answer. Then you go into a whole tirade of "did you know you were going to hurt me from the beginning!?? Why would you do that to me?"... Ummm that is stage 5 clinger textbook right there. This guy remained pretty mature the whole way through despite every reply of yours becoming less and less mature and more illogical. I don't think advice from anyone here will change the way you go about dating but you have a lot of self reflection to do and changes to make if you ever want to have a healthy relationship. 3
Omei Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 (edited) I warned you not to pester him he was loud and clear so many times OP. Stop talking to him now before you end up being called a psycho Ps his "I guess that's ok" he doesnt want to be your friend your emotions are draining him he is hoping you'll fade out if you dont you are going to get this very nasty side of him when hes had his final straw. Leave him alone. Edited September 13, 2015 by Omei
Versacehottie Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 oh gosh, that exchange was painful. IMO, OP you were pretty unfair to him. He had been clear. You just didn't want to accept it. That is just real talk. I think you need some self-care and support about your loss. Have you tried a bereavement group? I just met a lady who was telling me about her mom meeting her boyfriend at one of those. Also I have a family member who got her new boyfriend (business colleague/friends) when they reached out to each other to give support after their spouses died. I think, first and foremost, you need support to help you deal with you loss. The way only someone who's going through it can understand. I bet you will find that really helpful. And if you get a new bf or meet new friends through the process eventually, that will be a happy by-product. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 13, 2015 Posted September 13, 2015 Oh dear. OP, you need to let him go. He tried to tell you he wasn't interested in anything serious and you wouldn't accept that. Instead, you became a bit aggressive in questioning his feelings, and then told him you were head over heels for him. Don't try to stay friends with him. It's going to hurt you too much. I would again encourage you to seek support for your loss instead. Having been in a similar situation some years ago (though with a boyfriend who passed, not a husband) I can somewhat understand the trauma of the death. I too reached out to a guy who really wasn't interested because I felt so much grief and loneliness and wanted someone to fill that void. I projected my feelings of emptiness and bereavement onto a third party who would never have been able to comfort me in the way I needed, even if he had reciprocated my affections. Why? Because love wasn't the problem. Grief was. I finally had to face the pain of my ex's death head-on rather than seeking out a "band-aid" to temporarily ease the awful feelings. I can't speak for you or imagine what you are feeling; I can only speak from my own experience with traumatic loss of a partner. The best thing I ever did for myself was get professional guidance and support from someone qualified to help me with it, and to share my pain with other people who'd had similar losses. It took me a long time to work through those feelings and it will always hurt, but I came through it much more at peace and ready to open up my heart again. I sincerely offer you my condolences and best wishes for happiness in the future. 2
Author RazzberryGirl Posted November 11, 2015 Author Posted November 11, 2015 Well, after 2 months of him barely replying to my here & there texts, then followed by a whole month of him never replying again....out of the blue he replied. We chatted for a short bit. Found out he also had not met anyone new or been with anyone else since we were with each other. We agreed it's not easy to find someone new when we're both so busy with work etc. So he came over the other night. It was purely a booty call which was fine with me. Yes, I admit, I want more, but we will see if this was just a one-time thing or if it becomes a regular thing again. I hadn't heard from him for a couple days, so I sent him a text & he replied right away. I know I could get hurt again, but I'm going to try to stay detached as much as I can & just enjoy him being back in my life. I recently started working again after several years, so I'm so much stronger now than I was over the Summer. It's now been 9 months since my husband passed. I'm doing really well, thank goodness. I'm in a much better mental place now.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Well, after 2 months of him barely replying to my here & there texts, then followed by a whole month of him never replying again....out of the blue he replied. We chatted for a short bit. Found out he also had not met anyone new or been with anyone else since we were with each other. We agreed it's not easy to find someone new when we're both so busy with work etc. So he came over the other night. It was purely a booty call which was fine with me. Yes, I admit, I want more, but we will see if this was just a one-time thing or if it becomes a regular thing again. I hadn't heard from him for a couple days, so I sent him a text & he replied right away. I know I could get hurt again, but I'm going to try to stay detached as much as I can & just enjoy him being back in my life. I recently started working again after several years, so I'm so much stronger now than I was over the Summer. It's now been 9 months since my husband passed. I'm doing really well, thank goodness. I'm in a much better mental place now. With all respect and kindness, you're already not succeeding at this. You still like him. He still wants sex. He disappears and you reach out. It's the same cycle. Do you not see this? Get ready for more of the same, OP. I wish you luck but I don't see this ending well for you. 1
CalvinM Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 He actually did take me out on a few dates where he paid for dinner & the movie though. So that's why I'm left feeling confused I guess. Yes, I agree with you that props to him for bailing out before he hurt me more, but to do it through text was just gut wrenching. I deserve a real goodbye in person. He wanted sex, you complied. He doesn't really owe you anything.
Omei Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Op the in your first post when he said he didnt think you should see each other anymore that was him saying goodbye. he is only and I repeat ONLY back now because hes horny and after some time couldnt find anyone else and knew calling you up you would cater to his needs. You need to let this go you dont seem to be the casual sex type hun, because he wont stay.
Lois_Griffin Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 He actually did take me out on a few dates where he paid for dinner & the movie though. So that's why I'm left feeling confused I guess. Yes, I agree with you that props to him for bailing out before he hurt me more, but to do it through text was just gut wrenching. I deserve a real goodbye in person. OMG come on. You're a 40 year old woman who was hooking up with a 24 year old kid. And yes, to someone your age, he's a kid. A lot of young guys have fantasies about bedding older women, not dating them long term or marrying them. And he pretty much always told you that it was nothing more than casual sex. You obviously were ok with that until you wanted more. He doesn't. What did you really expect from someone his age? 1
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