Did he dump me or is he in need of space?

[RazzberryGirl]

Backstory:

We met on OKCupid. Had our first date 1 week after chatting. Things got hot & heavy another week after that. We've had sex 6 times. I saw him once a week, sometimes more. We would text almost daily. Both of us knew we didn't want a relationship yet. However, I told him I felt like I was falling at about 6 weeks into it (big mistake I know). This guy has NEVER been in love & has NEVER had a relationship, just hookups where he only had sex one time or two times with the same woman...he's 24yo, I'm 40yo. I've never dated someone so young, but he loves older women.

At the 8 week mark of "dating", shortly after he left my place, I text him that I really didn't want him to leave & that I missed him already. He goes on to say this: "Idk if we should keep doing this. I know I don't like you as much as you like me. And I think in the end you're just gonna get hurt. And the longer this goes on, the worse it's gonna be." So I told him I'm okay with just being casual & that all I want is sex & he said "Alright".

 

Well, I haven't seen him in THREE weeks. I've initiated texts every few days & he replies, but we don't talk long. So last week after asking him to come over 3 days in a row & being told No, I asked if I should just stop asking & he said "Probably". So then I asked him why & he said "I always try to be honest with myself. And honestly, I haven't wanted to come over." So I ask if my telling him my feelings is what scared him off & he says "That's not the reason".

Did he dump me even though I agreed to being just casual, or did he start to get feelings & need space cause he's scared?

Edited September 9, 2015 by RazzberryGirl

[Redhead14]

Backstory:

We met on OKCupid. Had our first date 1 week after chatting. Things got hot & heavy another week after that. We've had sex 6 times. I saw him once a week, sometimes more. We would text almost daily. Both of us knew we didn't want a relationship yet. However, I told him I felt like I was falling at about 6 weeks into it (big mistake I know). This guy has NEVER been in love & has NEVER had a relationship, just hookups where he only had sex one time or two times with the same woman...he's 24yo, I'm 40yo. I've never dated someone so young, but he loves older women.

At the 8 week mark of "dating", shortly after he left my place, I text him that I really didn't want him to leave & that I missed him already. He goes on to say this: "Idk if we should keep doing this. I know I don't like you as much as you like me. And I think in the end you're just gonna get hurt. And the longer this goes on, the worse it's gonna be." So I told him I'm okay with just being casual & that all I want is sex & he said "Alright".

 

Well, I haven't seen him in THREE weeks. I've initiated texts every few days & he replies, but we don't talk long. So last week after asking him to come over 3 days in a row & being told No, I asked if I should just stop asking & he said "Probably". So then I asked him why & he said "I always try to be honest with myself. And honestly, I haven't wanted to come over." So I ask if my telling him my feelings is what scared him off & he says "That's not the reason".

Did he dump me even though I agreed to being just casual, or did he start to get feelings & need space cause he's scared?

 

I told him I felt like I was falling at about 6 weeks into it

 

So I told him I'm okay with just being casual & that all I want is sex & he said "Alright"

 

He already knows you're more invested than you should be and saying the second thing is a contradiction. You are attempting to keep things going in spite of the fact that he doesn't want a relationship with you and hoping he will change his mind. He's knows this too. He's not scared, he just doesn't want to be with you. "I always try to be honest with myself. And honestly, I haven't wanted to come over."

[RazzberryGirl]

I'm sure I was just feeling infatuation or lust, not love. The thing about him is our time spent together was always so so good. Lots of affection like cuddling, hand holding, making out, tons & tons of staring into each others eyes. So it really felt like he was getting deeper feelings for me as time went on. I'm willing to just be casual because I don't want to lose him. I want him to remain in my life, if only for sex. I'm just so surprised that a 24yo guy isn't jumping all over that offer?

[losangelena]

I'm sure I was just feeling infatuation or lust, not love. The thing about him is our time spent together was always so so good. Lots of affection like cuddling, hand holding, making out, tons & tons of staring into each others eyes. So it really felt like he was getting deeper feelings for me as time went on. I'm willing to just be casual because I don't want to lose him. I want him to remain in my life, if only for sex. I'm just so surprised that a 24yo guy isn't jumping all over that offer?

 

Probably because you said you're falling for him.

 

I know a guy. Thank the lord I never slept with him, but he will have casual relationships with women until he senses (or they tell him) that they're getting emotionally involved, and then he peaces out.

 

You say: He goes on to say this: "Idk if we should keep doing this. I know I don't like you as much as you like me. And I think in the end you're just gonna get hurt. And the longer this goes on, the worse it's gonna be."

 

Besides being a bit calloused, this is actually very perceptive on his part, and at the end of the day he's doing you a FAVOR. He sees the situation for what it is, and instead of stringing you along, he's cutting out. Fair play to him, I say.

 

You may state that it's infatuation or lust or whatever, but he's probably not willing to risk it.

 

Look at his track record. He's never had sex with the same woman more than a handful of times. You are not going to magically turn that ship around, I'm afraid. Cuddling, looking into each other's eyes—yeah I suppose they could be signs of deepening affection, but if they're divorced from things like consistent contact and going out on dates, then they really mean nothing.

[RazzberryGirl]

Cuddling, looking into each other's eyes—yeah I suppose they could be signs of deepening affection, but if they're divorced from things like consistent contact and going out on dates, then they really mean nothing.

 

He actually did take me out on a few dates where he paid for dinner & the movie though. So that's why I'm left feeling confused I guess. Yes, I agree with you that props to him for bailing out before he hurt me more, but to do it through text was just gut wrenching. I deserve a real goodbye in person.

[losangelena]

I deserve a real goodbye in person.

 

Perhaps, but considering who you were dealing with, I'm not surprised you didn't get one.

 

Not to sound harsh, but move on OP. You can always look back on the thrill of having sex with such a younger man (I hope it was good at least!), but don't let his unceremonious exit bum you out too bad.

[RazzberryGirl]

The sex was ah-mazing every single time, so it was definitely worth it. I'd love to not let it bum me out, but I've been crying off & on from the heartache of it all. Him dumping me was just soooo incredibly unexpected.

 

You really don't think he could come back after awhile though??

[mattelipstick]

He actually did take me out on a few dates where he paid for dinner & the movie though. So that's why I'm left feeling confused I guess. Yes, I agree with you that props to him for bailing out before he hurt me more, but to do it through text was just gut wrenching. I deserve a real goodbye in person.

 

What does he need to say in person, though? Just come to your house and repeat what he's already told you clearly - that he doesn't want to see you anymore? All that would do is give you an opportunity to try begging him not to cut things off, and he probably doesn't want to deal with that.

 

Just let this one go.

[losangelena]

You really don't think he could come back after awhile though??

 

Stop it.

 

Please clear your head and look at the reality of the situation.

 

I think he made it pretty clear to you that he was only looking for a casual, hook up situation. Despite this, you are making overtures of interest and he's backed out. You can backpedal all you want and say that it's just infatuation, or that you're OK if it's just sex, but you're clearly NOT ok with that. You're crying, you're upset, you're wishing he would come back. That is not the attitude of an unattached person. Do you know how I reacted when my FB stopped wanting to hang out after 3 months? I was annoyed for two days and then I got online and started meeting other people—I was unattached.

 

I think he knows that the possibility of you getting more attached exists, and he's staying away. He's already told you that he doesn't want to come over.

 

If he change his mind and does decide to come back, what do you think he's going to come back for? For sex, of course. Do you really want to open yourself up to more of this? No, you do not. Continuing to sleep with you is not going to make him more attached.

[Redhead14]

The sex was ah-mazing every single time, so it was definitely worth it. I'd love to not let it bum me out, but I've been crying off & on from the heartache of it all. Him dumping me was just soooo incredibly unexpected.

 

You really don't think he could come back after awhile though??

 

It's been three weeks of you basically chasing him and him turning you down, what about that scenario says there's a possibility of that. He's not reaching out to you, he's not apologizing for being a dummy.

 

The end of a dating scenario is sometimes a shock, however, in this case, the writing was on the wall for quite a while -- they guy was honest from the get go.

 

Yeah, he might come back in another month -- when all his other options have dried up and wants sex from the girl who just couldn't let him go and proved that she'd be waiting in the wings by chasing after him. Honestly, I don't think this guy would do that though, like I said, he was being honest with you all along. He did do the right thing with you. He didn't want anything serious, he sensed/heard that you were getting too emotionally involved and he backed off instead of using you for sex for as long as you would tolerate it.

 

Go out with your friends, do some nice things for yourself that make you happy. This guy isn't going to do that for you, in fact, no man should do that for you. You should be happy in your own right with or without a man.

[Maggie4]

You have to give this young man some credit. He's smart. The fact that you are now crying, means casual sex is not ok even though you told him you're ok with it. Seems he knows what he is doing.

[ExpatInItaly]

The sex was ah-mazing every single time, so it was definitely worth it. I'd love to not let it bum me out, but I've been crying off & on from the heartache of it all. Him dumping me was just soooo incredibly unexpected.

You really don't think he could come back after awhile though??

 

No, it wasn't. You yourself said he's never had a relationship (and you weren't in one with him either) and that you told him casual sex was ok. Why was this unexpected? He's doing exactly what his past behaviour indicated he would do.

 

Also, he didn't exactly "dump" you because you were never a couple. He knew you liked him, he didn't feel the same way, so he did the right thing by saying you two probably shouldn't continue having sex. He didn't want to lead you on.

 

And why in heaven's name do you want him to come back? For what?

[RazzberryGirl]

I want him to come back because......

 

I lost my husband in February. This is my very first experience being on the dating scene in several years. I don't want to get serious with anyone yet. I just want someone to go to the movies with, dinner, and have sex with basically. Yes, I got feelings, not sure how deep they even were, but this guy would sit & talk with me for HOURS about so many personal things. He let me into his life & I let him into mine. His Mom is also a Widow so he understands me.

 

Why would a guy who ONLY wants a casual hookup even DO these kinds of things with me?

 

I want him back because he's a great person & I love his company. Plus I have needs & he fulfills them very nicely. I know I'm still very vulnerable from my husband dying, so yeah, that's why I'm not handling this well at all.

[Versacehottie]

Backstory:

So last week after asking him to come over 3 days in a row & being told No, I asked if I should just stop asking & he said "Probably". So then I asked him why & he said "I always try to be honest with myself. And honestly, I haven't wanted to come over."

[/left]

 

As harsh as that was, you have to see that he was being truthful. The reason doesn't matter and farther in the future doesn't matter. You agreeing to a lesser deal also doesn't matter. Right now he is not interested. I wouldn't hold out hope for the future. Do your best to move on a date someone else. Consider yourself very lucky you were just a little while into it. Hang in there and good luck

[ExpatInItaly]

I want him to come back because......

 

I lost my husband in February. This is my very first experience being on the dating scene in several years. I don't want to get serious with anyone yet. I just want someone to go to the movies with, dinner, and have sex with basically. Yes, I got feelings, not sure how deep they even were, but this guy would sit & talk with me for HOURS about so many personal things. He let me into his life & I let him into mine. His Mom is also a Widow so he understands me.

 

Why would a guy who ONLY wants a casual hookup even DO these kinds of things with me?

 

I want him back because he's a great person & I love his company. Plus I have needs & he fulfills them very nicely. I know I'm still very vulnerable from my husband dying, so yeah, that's why I'm not handling this well at all.

 

I'm very sorry for your loss. I lost a boyfriend some years ago and the pain you must be feeling is overwhelming. Have you sought any type of grief counseling? Bereavement support? I highly recommend it, having done so myself.

 

Having said that, this young guy is not the solution. He doesn't fill your needs or he'd still be around. He knew it wasn't a good situation for either of you, and he got out of it. He might have liked you well enough (hence the chats) but he didn't wasn't looking for a girlfriend. You'd be surprised at what a lot of people share without having a deep meaning behind it. Men in particular can compartmentalize better than we can. We connect these seemingly deep conversations to emotions; some men view it as conveying information without the emotional connotation. You can't assume it means he felt very deeply for you, unfortunately.

 

Also, if he knew that your husband passed, he probably also realized it's not a good time to be getting into anything serious. He's very young and inexperienced; he wouldn't be a great match for an older woman who has just had such an traumatic event. He knows you're vulnerable and doesn't want to take advantage of that.

[mattelipstick]

I'm very sorry for your loss. You might not be able to see it now, but this guy is doing you a huge favor. Give yourself some time... I have to imagine that the tears you're shedding are more related to your overall sense of loss than they are to this guy in particular. It's OK to not be OK.

[ScienceGal]

I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband. Perhaps you want to be ok with casual dating and sex, but it doesn't seem like deep down you are. And, why should you be, coming from a marriage that was (I'm assuming) a much more meaningful and connected relationship?

 

Do you think what you're feeling is desperation to move on? I don't blame you (many of us have been there), but it can be a difficult road, especially if we try to take shortcuts we aren't ready for.

[Redhead14]

I want him to come back because......

 

I lost my husband in February. This is my very first experience being on the dating scene in several years. I don't want to get serious with anyone yet. I just want someone to go to the movies with, dinner, and have sex with basically. Yes, I got feelings, not sure how deep they even were, but this guy would sit & talk with me for HOURS about so many personal things. He let me into his life & I let him into mine. His Mom is also a Widow so he understands me.

 

Why would a guy who ONLY wants a casual hookup even DO these kinds of things with me?

 

I want him back because he's a great person & I love his company. Plus I have needs & he fulfills them very nicely. I know I'm still very vulnerable from my

husband dying, so yeah, that's why I'm not handling this well at all.

 

There is a guy type called The Quality Casual guy. They will date you, treat

you with respect, and be honest about their intentions. They will, however,

end the relationship when they realize that the woman is becoming emotionally

invested and wanting more from him. He will be exclusive with her as well.

 

What this has shown you is that you need more time to grieve. You are only trying to replace your dear husband, but you know you can't do that.

 

Trust me, it took me well over a year to be able to date with "fresh eyes" after my fiance passed away 3 months before the wedding. I understand that desperate, lonely feeling. I did date someone fairly soon after and i found it to be opposite of your experience. It felt empty to me although the man was

truly wonderful. I wish i would have met him much, much later. I am with awonderful man now and happy again.

 

All I'm saying is that grief comes out in different ways when it hasn't been fully

processed. The "loss" of ths guy is simply tapping into your grief. Yes, it

hurts just about everyone to have a guy stop seeing you, but I'd say some of

your "shock" is just about experiencing another loss.

 

Give yourself more time and don't date for a while now to process both. Be patient with yourself. Do tons of nice things for yourself as well.

[RazzberryGirl]

Yes, I definitely am in major need of that male companionship since my husband died. I found that void to be kind of filled with this current guy, which is why going 3 weeks without him has been so difficult.

 

I have an update though...after a week of him not texting me, I asked him if he's been having a good week and he proceeds to tell me that he got BRACES on his top & bottom teeth. I knew he was kinda thinking about getting them, but didn't realize he meant right now. Is it possible that the braces are the reason he's been too embarrassed to see me?? Or am I just grasping at straws still.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I definitely am in major need of that male companionship since my husband died. I found that void to be kind of filled with this current guy, which is why going 3 weeks without him has been so difficult.

 

I have an update though...after a week of him not texting me, I asked him if he's been having a good week and he proceeds to tell me that he got BRACES on his top & bottom teeth. I knew he was kinda thinking about getting them, but didn't realize he meant right now. Is it possible that the braces are the reason he's been too embarrassed to see me?? Or am I just grasping at straws still.

 

Grasping at straws. 100%

 

He didn't reach out to you. You reached out to him.

 

Stop doing this to yourself and just let him go.

[Qboro90]

Yes, I definitely am in major need of that male companionship since my husband died. I found that void to be kind of filled with this current guy, which is why going 3 weeks without him has been so difficult.

 

I have an update though...after a week of him not texting me, I asked him if he's been having a good week and he proceeds to tell me that he got BRACES on his top & bottom teeth. I knew he was kinda thinking about getting them, but didn't realize he meant right now. Is it possible that the braces are the reason he's been too embarrassed to see me?? Or am I just grasping at straws still.

 

 

I understand you are upset and want to have this guy around but you need to face the facts and have someone give you the blunt truth. It's done. He doesn't like you or want to see you anymore and that's not something that's temporary or just a phase he's going through, or because of his braces, or because he's 24.

I'm not sure if it's the longing for companionship that's making you think irrationally or if this guy really had that much of an impact on you in such a short amount of time relatively speaking. Maybe his age boosted your ago and gave you a bit of an escape like you were back in your 20's as well.

 

But look at the facts and don't even consider or ponder the "what if it's this? Or what if he just needs someone to show him the care and won't hurt him"

 

It's none of that. And he actually had been very forward, honest, and definitive in telling you it's over yet you still keep reaching out to him because.....?

 

He tells you he doesn't like you at the same level. Right there I already know he's checked out. If a guy is into you, he'd never say that. Then you made the mistake of devaluing yourself and basically saying "ok please don't just leave me so easily.... If you want, you can still have sex with me... I'm ok with that"

 

And his reply to that was "alright". Jeez. You basically threw yourself at him and offered commitment less sex and he still had no interest or change of heart. Please stop trying to ask him why he doesn't feel this way, or what's really going on, etc. The answers mean nothing to him. Once we check out of a relationship, you'll never get a legit reason that you'll accept anyways. So he'll just bs you and say things that really aren't true whatsoever.... But you won't leave him be even when he told you that you should "probably" stop texting him.

 

 

Because he's done and doesn't like you anymore, doesn't mean that he never liked you. I'm sure he did in the beginning. But people who harp on break ups and the "why" and "will he come back" usually have trouble accepting that.

[Omei]

Razzberrygirl you need to stop seeking reasons for this guy to come back and take it for what it was casual sex and now hes moved on, a 24 year old guy who's never had a relationship yet isn't looking to venture into that with someone your age.

 

I think you should cut contact before your met with some harsh words because your not listening to him and hes been very clear, he doesnt want to see you anymore, eventually he will tire of the kindness act and let you have it out of annoyance I don't suggest bothering him right up till then.

[Zippy2000]

He`s 24. He`s young and not man enough to say "no".

[Omei]

He`s 24. He`s young and not man enough to say "no".

I think everything hes said according to the OP is/was a soild no in more than one way.

[RazzberryGirl]

UPDATE:

Well, I got it loud & freakin clear tonight through text. I'm sharing our chat in case it can help someone else to understand when it happens to them...

 

Me: I guess I give up. Can't believe you ended things like you did. I thought I would've meant more to you than that.

Him: I tried to be nice about it. Sorry if you didn't like how I went about it.

Me: I've been hoping to see you for weeks. You were not clear enough about it. I know you didn't want to hurt me but I definitely got hurt.

Him: Maybe not, but I mentioned that I thought we should end things and you were persistent about just staying casual. I just didn't want to be an ***hole about it. Didn't know which way was better.

Me: Doing so through text is just very uncool. I just don't understand why you wanted to end things already. You totally caught me off guard. Did you not care for me or like me at all??

Him: You really think in person would of been better? I liked you, I wouldn't have seen you as much as I did if I didn't. I just don't want to see you anymore. I lost the attraction I guess. Didn't think you'd get so worked up over it.

Me: I was head over heels for you. How could you think I would be fine with it being over? Ugh. I feel like a fool. How can you have amazing sex with me for 2 months & suddenly lose the attraction?

Him: I don't know. I'm sorry.

Me: Did you plan on doing this from the very beginning? Or were you actually open to see where it could go? I'm just trying to understand what I did wrong.

Him: From the beginning I never planned on a relationship, but just something casual and have some fun. You didn't do anything wrong.

Me: Okay. Thank you saying you're sorry & for explaining your intentions. I want to stay friends with you if you want. It hurts too much to think that I'll never see you again.

Him: I guess that's ok.