He just ended things because we weren't going at the same pace

[Hope87]

Hello,

 

This might be a long read , please bear with me. Thank you very much for reading.

 

I met a guy a few months ago at a wedding and he seemed very keen. We pursued me and things developed as they typically do during the early stages. Initially, he appeared to be very serious and said a lot of serious things pretty early which made me let my guard down. In hindsight, the things he said so early after meeting should have been a red flag but I guess I was really into him and chose to believe the things he said. Some of these things were about marriage and wanting commitment to me even though he hadn’t been in a serious relationship in over two years.He said so many heart-warming things which really endeared me to him. However,a few friends of mine had mentioned that he was an ‘’unserious’’ person with a reputation for breaking hearts and cautioned me against going ahead with him but I chose to give him a chance.

 

The first few weeks were really lovely, we spoke consistently and he was really sweet, attentive and caring. We had occasional mild disagreements but nothing serious. I thought things were progressing but I guess I was wrong. Anyway, as things continued, I noticed that he stopped being as attentive, even though we were still meeting up and talking somewhat regularly (he lives in my city but works out of state so comes down during the weekends). For example, there was an incident where he came into town unexpectedly mid-week and asked us to see, we ended up spending the night together but I refused to have sex (because of past experiences-I wanted to wait and be sure he was for real.). We cuddled and engaged in a bit of foreplay (no oral sex though). I had explained to him that I wanted to take things slow in that department and he was understanding about that.

 

Anyway,after spending the night together, I didn’t hear from him after that night after dropping me off, nor did I hear from him all day the next day. Naturally,I felt funny because we had gotten physically intimate albeit not sex and I expected that the natural progression of things would lead to him reaching out. I eventually called him that evening and the line got disconnected after a few minutes. I tried calling him back but there was no response. He then texted me shortly afterwards saying he’d call me in a bit, but never did. The next morning he sent an apology and explained that he slept off at his friends. I told him it was okay. He didn’t say much after that and I ended up reaching out to him the next day.

 

In a nutshell, I perceived that he wasn’t as nice as he used to be… it started to reflect even in our meeting schedules for example, he stopped making plans ahead and reduced contact. We had several conversations about it and he told me ‘’not to read much into it’’ as ‘’that was simply the way he is/was’’. He said ‘’ the fact that I haven’t been in touch as much doesn’t mean anything is wrong’’. We agreed to meet that Sunday (I initiated it), we were supposed to go to a wedding together which he invited me to but ended up effectively uninviting me because he claimed to have an issue with the groom and didn’t really want to go or spend time there, so didn’t really thing it was worth me coming along. He then promised to stop by my house after the wedding ( 10pm on a Sunday night)…

 

we had a little argument about it but that was that. He never showed up at mine and didn’t pick up his phone when I tried to call him. I eventually got across to him the next day and he said he was mad at me for making it about me when it had nothing to do with me. I felt bad and apologized and promised to make amends, which I did. Things appeared to be progressing and he began to make more of an effort, he became more attentive etc. We had another incident where we tentatively agreed to meet up Friday night and he ended up disappearing/ going AWOL that night, despite my attempts to call him. He went clubbing with his friends. He ended up calling me that night at 5.30am and begging me to come out of my house to see him…because he was traveling that morning and wanted to see me before he left.After much persuasion I eventually got out of bed, took a quick shower and went down to see him…

 

we ended up driving to his place where I spent the night. We indulged in a bit of physical activity (big mistake) but I refused to have sex when he tried to initiate it. That night, we had a talk and he explained that we weren’t on the same pace i.e he wasn’t ready to give me the level of commitment (said he gets panic attacks when the question of commitment comes in) I wanted but that he enjoyed what we were having and wanted things to continue as they were and see how things progressed. I didn’t want to put pressure on him, so I agreed with his proposition. On that note, he traveled for 10 days for a work-related conference/ mini holiday. He contacted me when he went abroad and seemed sweet and caring… this went on for like 4 days. Afterwards (immediately after the conference ended and the official holiday began) I noticed that he had stopped reaching out and I had to start initiating contact; a whats app message here and there etc.

 

Again, the dynamics changed ( we didn’t have any argument)and he started acting more distant. He came back to our country and although we chatted (mostly because I initiated it) he never called me once (so we basically hadn’t spoken on the phone for 2 weeks inclusive of the 10 days he was away for). He also hadn’t on his own volition, initiated contact with me since he returned from abroad. Things went downhill from there ( we ended up seeing on Saturday mostly as a result of my efforts) and had a brief conversation during which he told me that he perfectly understood my concerns etc but that was ‘’just the way he is/was’’.‘’We might not get to hang out each time I come home because I might have other things to do’’ ‘’that’s just the way I am’’ ‘’nothing is wrong’’. etc. Once again, our plans to actually spend time together went out of the window and he hung out with his friends instead.

 

Afterwards, I didn’t hear from him (this was Saturday night). I initiated contact on Sunday and and on Wednesday (after two days of silence on his part). At this point, I was ready to throw in the towel…I hadn’t demanded much from this guy, we were barely having conversations, seemed everything had become static and I was basically making all the effort with none what so ever coming from him. I called him this morning to have a chat about things duringwhich he told me that ‘’honestly, we weren’t going at the same pace and he wasn’t asking me to come down to his pace’’. He said that he wasn’t ready to explore the emotional aspect or invest emotionally even though he had feelings for me.He said he simply wasn’t ready and that he’s been unable to commit to anyone in a long while.

 

He said he didn’t want us to start doing things which would give me the impression that the rship (if I can call it that) was going in a direction which it wasn’t etc. He told me that I had done nothing wrong and that my complaints and concerns were normal and expected. I told him I was quite disappointed to hear that especially as I had given him a chance despite the warnings from my friends etc. I asked him if he wanted us to stay in touch and he said he did, because we are not fighting after all.

 

I’m not sure why I typed this all up… I guess it’s therapeutic for me. Right now, I feel so sad and worried about the future. I’m a very soft and sensitive person and I guess I shouldn’t have fallen for him. But I feel really sad and lonely and also worried about the future. The feeling of having someone there one day and him not being there the next day is so painful. He seems so unaffected by it but I guess he checked out a while ago. After the conversation I told him that id really miss the hugs, kisses and our great conversations and he responded saying ‘’I’m sorry babe’’.

 

Afterwards, I said to him ‘’had no idea when we saw on Saturday, that it would be the last time we hugged- but thanks for the honestly and have a good day though and he responded saying ‘’you too hun’’. So that’s it… just like that. He’s gone. I know it was only a few months but I feel crushed. Just need some words of encouragement and advice. I keep asking myself what I could have done better or done to salvage things…he said initially when he met, he thought he might be able to explore the emotional aspect but that he realized he isn’t ready.

 

Thanks for reading… any thoughts/ comments would be much welcome.

Edited September 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
tried to make this mess readable

[Robert]

moderator bump

[clam]

Sorry for what you're going through.

 

I don't think you did anything wrong. I think he just doesn't want to be in a relationship. He made that clear through his actions -- not showing up for dates, not attending the wedding, going AWOL, clubbing with friends instead of seeing you, etc. Remember, your friend told you he has a reputation for being this way. It's not you. It's him.

 

It sounds like you were way more emotionally invested than he was. Your refusal to have sex (in hindsight, a very good thing) probably pushed him to look for someone who would. He doesn't want to be involved. With anyone.

 

Lick your wounds and don't give him anymore wasted thoughts or energy.

[Hope87]

Sorry for what you're going through.

 

I don't think you did anything wrong. I think he just doesn't want to be in a relationship. He made that clear through his actions -- not showing up for dates, not attending the wedding, going AWOL, clubbing with friends instead of seeing you, etc. Remember, your friend told you he has a reputation for being this way. It's not you. It's him.

 

It sounds like you were way more emotionally invested than he was. Your refusal to have sex (in hindsight, a very good thing) probably pushed him to look for someone who would. He doesn't want to be involved. With anyone.

 

Lick your wounds and don't give him anymore wasted thoughts or energy.

 

Thank you for taking out the time to read my post and responding. I guess something that made me really confused was essentially the fact he kept saying ''nothing was wrong'' when I asked if anything was wrong. This makes me wonder if I pushed him away by repeatedly asking him if something was wrong- almost like a self-fulfilling prophesy. According to him, verbatim ''initially, there was no problem, but you kept asking if there was a problem and then a problem kinda cropped up''... This is killing me. But at the same time, I try to remind myself about the actions (on his part) which prompted me to seek assurances from him. His distance, his withdrawal or reduction of communication and generally the impression he began to give me through his actions ( even though he claimed otherwise) that I was no longer a priority.

 

Also, another thing that keeps eating me up is the question of what I could have done to salvage things. If I had maybe played it super cool, would we have worked out? But at the same time, I would have gained no gratification from being casual...

[Redhead14]

Hello,

 

This might be a long read , please bear with me. Thank you very much for reading.

 

I met a guy a <Snip>

 

Thanks for reading… any thoughts/ comments would be much welcome.

 

I keep asking myself what I could have done better or done to salvage things -- When you accept the fact that development of a relationship is not something you have control over, it will be easier to let go.

 

You can't control it, you just need to be yourself and manage your emotions and expectations for quite a while. There are things you can do that will damage the potential, but there are very few, if any, that you can do to make it happen.

 

This guy appears to be emotionally unavailable and is demonstrated by his hot/cold approach. he thought he might be able to explore the emotional aspect but that he realized he isn’t ready. -- These types do think they want to explore the emotional aspect of a relationship, while at the same time knowing they have very little if any success at it. They want and need a connection with a woman yet it scares them. said he gets panic attacks when the question of commitment comes in.

However,a few friends of mine had mentioned that he was an ‘’unserious’’ person with a reputation for breaking hearts -- They are perceiving him from the outside likely. IN other words, they see that he's attempted relationships in the past and think he's maybe a player, etc. when in fact, he breaks hearts not because he's unserious. He wants to be more serious, he just can't do it.

 

Be patient with yourself and give yourself the space to grieve.

Edited September 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Hope87]

I keep asking myself what I could have done better or done to salvage things -- When you accept the fact that development of a relationship is not something you have control over, it will be easier to let go.

 

You can't control it, you just need to be yourself and manage your emotions and expectations for quite a while. There are things you can do that will damage the potential, but there are very few, if any, that you can do to make it happen.

 

This guy appears to be emotionally unavailable and is demonstrated by his hot/cold approach. he thought he might be able to explore the emotional aspect but that he realized he isn’t ready. -- These types do think they want to explore the emotional aspect of a relationship, while at the same time knowing they have very little if any success at it. They want and need a connection with a woman yet it scares them. said he gets panic attacks when the question of commitment comes in.

 

However,a few friends of mine had mentioned that he was an ‘’unserious’’ person with a reputation for breaking hearts -- They are perceiving him from the outside likely. IN other words, they see that he's attempted relationships in the past and think he's maybe a player, etc. when in fact, he breaks hearts not because he's unserious. He wants to be more serious, he just can't do it.

 

Be patient with yourself and give yourself the space to grieve.

 

Thank you for reading my long post and responding. I guess I need to accept that there are few things I have control over. When I met him, he told me that he hadn't ''liked'' anyone (besides me and his ex) in over two years. He said in the past two years he's basically just had a string of casual flings, typically lasting about a month. He once told me that he wasn't sure ''he had the capacity to even go at my pace/ commit''. I should have listened to him. Hindsight is 50/50. This was after he made all sorts of declarations of feelings along the lines of ''I have fun with friends but i want to do everything with you'', ''my friends know you're the one, they asked me if you're going to be a casual affair and i told them you're not because I'm going to take you seriously'', ''I want you to help me minimise my drinking''. Shortly after we met, his best friend told me he (my ex, if í can call him that) was crazy about me and that he had never seen him so into someone''. His friends welcomed me as ''family'' under the instruction of my ex who told him I was the one. I guess he didn't mean any of these things. One time, we were out having dinner and he told me that he hadn't done this in a while.

 

There's another thing issue that weighs me down... should I have brought up the topic today? Or simply mirrored his behaviour and said nothing...? But for how long before getting fed up? My sister advised me to not contact him for two weeks (before I called) but i couldn't deal with the uncertainty. I'm now encouraging myself with the thought that waiting two weeks would probably have made no difference to the outcome of this relationship. Or would it? Would two weeks of silence have had the effect of significantly altering or changing his non-committal mindset?

Edited September 9, 2015 by Hope87

[Zapbasket]

Thank you for taking out the time to read my post and responding. I guess something that made me really confused was essentially the fact he kept saying ''nothing was wrong'' when I asked if anything was wrong. This makes me wonder if I pushed him away by repeatedly asking him if something was wrong- almost like a self-fulfilling prophesy. According to him, verbatim ''initially, there was no problem, but you kept asking if there was a problem and then a problem kinda cropped up''... This is killing me. But at the same time, I try to remind myself about the actions (on his part) which prompted me to seek assurances from him. His distance, his withdrawal or reduction of communication and generally the impression he began to give me through his actions ( even though he claimed otherwise) that I was no longer a priority.

 

Also, another thing that keeps eating me up is the question of what I could have done to salvage things. If I had maybe played it super cool, would we have worked out? But at the same time, I would have gained no gratification from being casual...

 

No, no, no--this is not on you! Let me translate what he was saying in the statement I bolded: "I was hoping that you'd just go along with the relationship on my terms, but when you asked whether something were wrong, I realized I'd actually have to take into account your feelings, and I don't want to have to do that because I am not, at present, capable of a relationship with mutual care, respect, and trust."

 

Whether you'd said something to him or not, there was something wrong--a big thing. You wanted more commitment, and he didn't want / wasn't able to give it to you. You have to understand that in no way does that indicate there was something wrong with YOU; you feel the way you feel and of course you want a relationship where you're not having to chase after someone to spend time with you. He just wasn't on board, wasn't available, and it's right and good (for you!) that this "relationship" is over. Cut him loose so you don't get pulled into more wishy-washy behavior.

 

And HUGE kudos to you for not sleeping with him--smart woman!

[madde]

I guess something that made me really confused was essentially the fact he kept saying ''nothing was wrong'' when I asked if anything was wrong. This makes me wonder if I pushed him away by repeatedly asking him if something was wrong- almost like a self-fulfilling prophesy. According to him, verbatim ''initially, there was no problem, but you kept asking if there was a problem and then a problem kinda cropped up''... This is killing me. But at the same time, I try to remind myself about the actions (on his part) which prompted me to seek assurances from him. His distance, his withdrawal or reduction of communication and generally the impression he began to give me through his actions ( even though he claimed otherwise) that I was no longer a priority.

 

Hello, sweetie! I was reading your posts and this quote reminded me my emotions only 7 weeks ago. Yes, at that moment it seems like you did everything wrong, because you are dumped, but believe me - it's NOT you! You wanted to work on this relationship, but he simply wasn't available. It hurts, I know. It is very cruel, yes. But it is not your fault. it is his decision and now he will see what is his life without you. Allow yourself grieve and feel all horrible emotions to get through and never return, do everything to feel better day by day. It is slow process - but it gets better. And my congrulations for you that you didn't sleep with him Hugs for you!!

[madde]

I remember one quote from FB Idealist profile:

I didn't lose you, you lost me. You'll search for me inside of everyone you're with& I won't be found.

[pteromom]

Thank you for taking out the time to read my post and responding. I guess something that made me really confused was essentially the fact he kept saying ''nothing was wrong'' when I asked if anything was wrong. This makes me wonder if I pushed him away by repeatedly asking him if something was wrong- almost like a self-fulfilling prophesy.

 

You wouldn't have been asking him if something was wrong if he wasn't acting as if something was wrong. Trust your instincts!

 

But at the same time, I try to remind myself about the actions (on his part) which prompted me to seek assurances from him. His distance, his withdrawal or reduction of communication and generally the impression he began to give me through his actions ( even though he claimed otherwise) that I was no longer a priority.

 

Exactly. This is what I mean by trusting your instincts. When he said nothing was wrong, he meant it - nothing was wrong for HIM, because he was doing what he wanted to do - only make effort when he wanted to. But there was something wrong for YOU. Your mistake was assuming he wanted what you wanted.

 

Also, another thing that keeps eating me up is the question of what I could have done to salvage things. If I had maybe played it super cool, would we have worked out? But at the same time, I would have gained no gratification from being casual...

 

Nothing. This wasn't about you. He wanted something casual. You didn't. Nothing you could have done would have turned him into someone different.

[Hope87]

Thanks so much for all your responses. My sister has been my support system but she's travelling today on holiday so really appreciate your support. e.

 

 

A number of things keep coming to mind, I remember when we were having a conversation and he said that " he didn't see himself settling down ie married until he's financially stable enough to raise two kids" and that when people say to him " what if you meet someone whom you can settle with?" he responded saying "no. I'll know I'm ready to settle down AFTER I've made enough money to raise two kids ". At the time I thought he was just being a typical man ( wanting financial stability although waiting until one can afford to raise two kids is a bit extreme), but in hindsight I realise he might have been trying to pass/ make a point to me ( basically backtracking after all serious declarations of serious intent he had made previously. e).

 

When I met him he also told me that he liked to be "in control" of situations and also his emotions because of a deep mistrust in women due to the fact that many of the girls he's hooked up with had boyfriends at the time he was messing with them.

 

I really tried my best with this guy- guess I'm simply not built for casual affairs. I really tried to be cool and calm. All I wanted was for him to contact me regularly ( build a friendship and then relationship) and spend quality time together.

 

When I called him this morning, I said to him "are you trying to do the slow fade "? I never imagined that he'd go right ahead and basically break up with me. I said to him " I can't believe you dont even want to see where things go". It's crazy because things were so young... we hadn't explored or done so many things.... still so many experiences to share but he terminated things so prematurely and so easily.

 

Thanks once again for reading.

Edited September 9, 2015 by Hope87

[pteromom]

 

When I met him he also told me that he liked to be "in control" of situations and also his emotions because of a deep mistrust in women

 

And for some reason after he said this, you thought "Hey that sounds like just the kind of guy I want! Someone who won't trust me and isn't capable of vulnerability!"

 

In the future, listen to what guys say. Don't go off his looks or chemistry or who you believe he is inside. Listen to what he says.

 

He showed you who he was from the very beginning - you just chose to ignore it.

 

I really tried to be cool and calm.

 

Why should you settle for a relationship where you have to put on a facade in order to keep him from running scared? Be yourself. Demand what you want (and be prepared to walk away from a man who is incapable of giving it to you.)

 

It's crazy because things were so young... we hadn't explored or done so many things.... still so many experiences to share but he terminated things so prematurely and so easily.

 

He didn't want what you want. You are again assuming he did. He isn't wanting to turn a young relationship into a stable long-term relationship. That's YOU who wants that.

 

Let this one go and find someone who wants what you wants. And quit blaming yourself for who he is.

[Hope87]

And for some reason after he said this, you thought "Hey that sounds like just the kind of guy I want! Someone who won't trust me and isn't capable of vulnerability!"

 

In the future, listen to what guys say. Don't go off his looks or chemistry or who you believe he is inside. Listen to what he says.

 

He showed you who he was from the very beginning - you just chose to ignore it.

 

 

 

Why should you settle for a relationship where you have to put on a facade in order to keep him from running scared? Be yourself. Demand what you want (and be prepared to walk away from a man who is incapable of giving it to you.)

 

 

 

He didn't want what you want. You are again assuming he did. He isn't wanting to turn a young relationship into a stable long-term relationship. That's YOU who wants that.

 

Let this one go and find someone who wants what you wants. And quit blaming yourself for who he is.

 

 

Yeah, he gave me a fair idea about who he was, I chose to focus on the other things he said.

 

Yes, i guess I assumed he wanted something serious because of all the stuff he said when we started, but I guess he was just giddy off the excitement of meeting someone new. He said a lot of things to make me feel comfortable but he also mentioned some things which raised red flags, flags I ignored. You're right.

[Hope87]

Day 1 of no contact.

 

 

I've decided to document my no contact journey. Seems really bleak ahead considering the fact that we've pretty much spoken every day or every other day since we met. Right now, I'm focused on the next 30 days.

 

 

I woke up with a physical dull feeling/ ache in my chest. I felt really down in the dumps. Didn't sleep too well either ( woke up a few times). I've taken the day off from work and I'm going to pray in church today, for a few minutes. I'm anxious about the future and the prospect of not having him there is a but scary. There are times where my heart starts racing. I generally feel very sad, low and down when I think/ remember him, almost like " this it it?". I wonder if I'll see him again, even though I doubt I'd ever give him another chance.

 

I've been told to take it a day at a time, really wish time would fly asap.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Hope87]

Day 1- evening. It's about 7.30 pm now and it's been a tough day. I didn't know I'd be this affected by the break up. I find myself struggling with sporadic crying spells. Feels like that's the only way to let the emotions out. I've cried about 5 times today; I now feel quite tired and weary. Can emotional stress make you physically tired? I feel lethargic and quite tired.

 

I have to go I to work tomorrow, not looking forward to it because I really don't want to get drawn into idle conversation with my room mates. I can't confide in them about this and they're quite chatty so not looking forward to being forced to converse about things I really have no interest in at this point. There were a few moments today when i felt a bit normal but they've been punctuated with quite a number of low feelings. I really want the physical ache to stop as well ( it happens when I reminisce about memories together). My heart skips a and I have to sigh to calm myself down.

 

Does it get better? When will I start feeling a bit okay? I want to heal so desperately and i don't know if I'm capable of dealing with many more days like today.

[Blanco]

Can you elaborate on the mild disagreements thing? That stuck out to me. That early in any courtship, most people are on their best behavior, doing what they can to see eye-to-eye with each other. Reading that part, it didn't surprise me when you mentioned later in your post that he wasn't as nice as you had originally thought.

[pteromom]

I've cried about 5 times today; I now feel quite tired and weary. Can emotional stress make you physically tired? I feel lethargic and quite tired.

 

Absolutely it can. Very normal.

 

There were a few moments today when i felt a bit normal but they've been punctuated with quite a number of low feelings. I really want the physical ache to stop as well ( it happens when I reminisce about memories together). My heart skips a and I have to sigh to calm myself down.

 

Does it get better? When will I start feeling a bit okay? I want to heal so desperately and i don't know if I'm capable of dealing with many more days like today.

 

It takes time. More than a day. It's a slow process. The pain will slowly start overtaking you less often, and before you know it, there will be more sunshine than rain. For now, be grateful for the small moments of sunshine you get. And keep moving forward one step at a time.

[Hope87]

Can you elaborate on the mild disagreements thing? That stuck out to me. That early in any courtship, most people are on their best behavior, doing what they can to see eye-to-eye with each other. Reading that part, it didn't surprise me when you mentioned later in your post that he wasn't as nice as you had originally thought.

 

 

Hey Blanco,

 

Most of those early disagreements were directly related to his actions or in actions for example the wedding argument(when he essentially uninvited me a few minutes before he was supposed to pick me up), or when he went clubbing instead of meeting up with me ( and ignored my attempts to reach him), and ended up coming to my house at 5.30am, or when he didn't contact me for a few days after spending a lovely night together ( although we didn't have sex). I was mostly cool and calm throughout and even he admitted that " I did nothing wrong, I wasnt crazy, I didn't nag him and in hindsight my reactions were valid). I'm far from perfect and I have my flaws for example insecurity but i really tried to be accommodating and not too pushy. Tried to be understanding too. I never disrespected him, raised my voice or yelled at him. My desire ( each time we has a mini disagreement) was to resolve our issues amicably and forge ahead...Sometimes I complained but that was because he wasnt meeting my basic need such as consistent communication ( not even talking about phone calls- simple what's app msgs saying hey, how are you doing? ).Sometimes he was attentive and doting and other times he was basically no where to be found and I found myself reaching out to him more often than I wished to. It's nice to be with a guy who makes you feel desired and appreciated on a fairly consistent basis.

 

 

Towards the tail end of the rship, we were barely having meaningful conversations. I actually felt so alone...like he was present mentally but absent physically.

[madde]

Hi, Hope87, what can I say... Hold on, hon! First days and first weeks are the toughest -it is different for each person. For me it was hard, because day after break up I was working together with him two weeks, so I couldn't cry but got horrible anxiety instead weeks later. So it is good that you can cry - put your emotions out, it is healing process. I am on my week 7 and last two days I can say - I can think about situation without anger, anxiety or sadness, it feels like little nostalgia. Maybe for you it will be less, maybe more - but is your time and do it by yourself and don't look at the limits. You will do, because you already held on through the worst - break up. You are alive and definitely will be fine again. Just keep going!

[Hope87]

Absolutely it can. Very normal.

 

 

 

It takes time. More than a day. It's a slow process. The pain will slowly start overtaking you less often, and before you know it, there will be more sunshine than rain. For now, be grateful for the small moments of sunshine you get. And keep moving forward one step at a time.

 

Thank you, I will keep this in mind. Looking forward to better days

[kismetkismet]

Don't blame yourself at all, you acted in a completely reasonable way to everything - this guy sounds like a maaajor flake with commitment issues.

[Hope87]

Hi, Hope87, what can I say... Hold on, hon! First days and first weeks are the toughest -it is different for each person. For me it was hard, because day after break up I was working together with him two weeks, so I couldn't cry but got horrible anxiety instead weeks later. So it is good that you can cry - put your emotions out, it is healing process. I am on my week 7 and last two days I can say - I can think about situation without anger, anxiety or sadness, it feels like little nostalgia. Maybe for you it will be less, maybe more - but is your time and do it by yourself and don't look at the limits. You will do, because you already held on through the worst - break up. You are alive and definitely will be fine again. Just keep going!

 

Thank you Madde, it's really encouraging to hear a positive story especially as you had to work with him for two weeks following the break up. Must have been horrible. I'm physically exhausted and hoping for a more balanced day tomorrow even though I understand that it's still early days. Fingers crossed. It's the weekend tomorrow, we'd have been spending it together but then again, he had started cancelling dates do maybe not.

[Hope87]

Don't blame yourself at all, you acted in a completely reasonable way to everything - this guy sounds like a maaajor flake with commitment issues.

 

He's a self -admitted commitment phobe even though he didn't use those specific terms, but everything he said underscored my belief that he has serious commitment issues. Actually said he starts panicking when the reality or commitment sets in. Hasn't had a proper rship in years, mostly does casual flings etc. But he made me believe that I would be different and I naively fell. Ah well, such is life.

[Hope87]

Don't blame yourself at all, you acted in a completely reasonable way to everything - this guy sounds like a maaajor flake with commitment issues.

 

He's a self -admitted commitment phobe even though he didn't use those specific terms, but everything he said underscored my belief that he has serious commitment issues. Actually said he starts panicking when the reality or commitment sets in. Hasn't had a proper rship in years, mostly does casual flings etc. But he made me believe that I would be different and I naively fell. Ah well, such is life.

[Hope87]

It's Day 4 of NC. Longest amount of time we've gone without communicating since we met. It's generally been a roller coaster of emotions since with crying spells but I'm getting through each day. Sometimes I wake up with knots in my stomach or a pounding chest....I'm guessing this will subside with time?

 

 

Being in solitude has allowed me reflect on things. This guy was essentially telling me that he was unable to offer a serious relationship and didn't want me to think things were going were they weren't. He said we were moving at a different pace and he wasn't asking me to come down to his pace but was simply explaining from his own perspective, the reason why we were having conflicts. I asked him if he was insinuating that he didn't want us to talk or spend time together anymore and his response was no, he had no problem with us chatting and meeting up/ hanging out etc but simply isn't ready for any added emotional obligation. In other words - is happy to ride along in a casual meaningless affair but not offer anything serious. I told him I wasn't a casual girl and would never be a casual girl.

 

 

Initially I was so distraught that I started contemplating the idea of being casual with him... anything just to have him there. I'm pretty sure he won't mind that - he told me during our last conversation that he's very attracted to me. But today, i woke up questioning if my self esteem and sense of self value is so battered to the point where I'd even contemplate having a casual affair with a guy when I truly desire and I believe I deserve a loving, committed relationship. I began to explore the reasons for even entertaining such an idea which led me to realise that I must be suffering from low self esteem. There are women out there who don't tolerate bad behaviour and who would not stoop so low as to accept casual affairs as opposed to the serious relationship they truly desire? I'm 28 years old, not 19 years old, my sister is engaged to be married, my friends are in serious relationships... surely I should have standards?

 

 

I've been doing some research on the relationship between low self esteem and tolerating bad relationships and all the material online identity factors such as troubled or lonely childhoods as the causes of low self esteem etc. The problem however is that I was raised in a loving and stable home so I can't really relate to that. Nonetheless I've observed that I appear to have a high thresh hold for disrespectful and hurtful behaviour and attitudes in relationships and I end up staying and labouring in relationships which I really have no business being involved in. I end up in relationships with complicated men who have commitment issues ( guys termed as unseeiiys) this has become a recurring pattern of late. How can I address the root cause of my low self esteem as demonstrated by the patterns and negative trends in my relationships? I'm described as very pretty, I'm naturally slim and I've even lost more weight, I have a good career, I have a lovely family and friends, no history of physical abuse in my family etc.

 

Thank you so much for reading. Any thoughts/ comments would be much appreciated.

Edited September 13, 2015 by Hope87