spooky48 Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Hi, I'm a straight, heterosexual, Caucasian woman who's officially been single since 2004. I am in my forties now. I WAS engaged in the past but, due to unforeseen circumstances, he passed away. From there, I have been on SO many dating sites. What I'm questioning is this.... I have spent since 2004, a total of over $5,000 now for online dating sites such as Match, Eharmony, American Singles, Christian Mingle, etc. I have been on a total of 12 sites in total. I have NOT been on or made a profile for any "adult" sites due to the fact that I'm not looking for a one-night stand, etc. Plus, with my career, I do not want problems at my job or be perceived as problematic, disgusting, etc. People WILL judge you, believe it or not but, they WILL if you're on those sites. Think about it. I have changed my appearance, my weight has fluctuated and I've done many other options/activities in trying to meet a decent, sane, secure & most of all, loving man. I will admit though, I am plus-sized, fat, whatever you want to call me. However, I know men (well, SOME do) like a plus-sized woman but, it takes a SPECIAL man to love a fat woman, seriously. What my question then is this.... Is this obsessive concerning the sites? What other option would you try if you were in my situation then? I am TIRED of being alone, wondering where I'm going every holiday because I don't have a family/spouse/kids. I mean, I can go to my parents and brother's house (I have a sister too but, we're estranged). I have relatives too but, it's not the same as having a spouse/partner and your own family. So, should I try on some more sites and spend the money again if not, what options should I try?
clam Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Ditch the sites (you're already out 5 grand and have nothing to show for it), focus on your health and wellness (lose the extra weight) and stop searching so hard. Why settle for being overweight and depressed because you're alone? Moping about having no one to spend holidays with is unattractive and naturally repels people. Lose weight -- not for appearance but because it's the healthy thing to do. Focus on exercise, eating healthy, making the best life for yourself, and stop viewing being single as a curse. Losing weight and exercising will EMPOWER you. You will feel stronger and naturally become more attractive to men. Meet people the old fashioned way. Join a walking/hiking club, attend lectures, go to free concerts in the park, join a book club, volunteer at church or a community organization, participate in Meetup groups, etc. Dating sites have pretty dismal "success" statistics. 3
Buddhist Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 You should try the only option you have, and you'll end up there whether you want to or not. Find some purpose for your life besides having a boyfriend and get healthy and comfortable. I know that sounds really harsh but seriously you've wasted $5k on hunting for a boyfriend. How one even spends $5k on those sites is anyone's guess. You could have taken yourself on a holiday with that and come back with great memories. It would have done your self esteem a lot more good than countless rejections on a dating site. 1
Versacehottie Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Maybe you are worried about needing to be perfect with your weight loss and that's why you are not attempting it. I have seen many people even though they don't have near model bodies commit to the gym or weight watchers or other social activities and their confidence soars because of being able to make a change. Even a little one. There are lots of ladies at my gym who are regulars there that are still overweight but fitter than they used to be and now loving their lives. So I would start with something like that. Realistically, it's difficult enough to date without having the added problem of not being your best physically (I don't mean perfect just giving it your all) and with your confidence at a low. Dating sites in particular are so about the first initial attraction and based on superficial measures so I think you will be at a disadvantage. So if you are going to put your efforts and money anywhere, I would try to expand your social circle, get some fitness and health into your life, make more friends and hobbies. With an increase in your confidence and vitality, and more social connections, I think it will be your best bet to find love. Good luck
Redhead14 Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Hi, I'm a straight, heterosexual, Caucasian woman who's officially been single since 2004. I am in my forties now. I WAS engaged in the past but, due to unforeseen circumstances, he passed away. From there, I have been on SO many dating sites. What I'm questioning is this.... I have spent since 2004, a total of over $5,000 now for online dating sites such as Match, Eharmony, American Singles, Christian Mingle, etc. I have been on a total of 12 sites in total. I have NOT been on or made a profile for any "adult" sites due to the fact that I'm not looking for a one-night stand, etc. Plus, with my career, I do not want problems at my job or be perceived as problematic, disgusting, etc. People WILL judge you, believe it or not but, they WILL if you're on those sites. Think about it. I have changed my appearance, my weight has fluctuated and I've done many other options/activities in trying to meet a decent, sane, secure & most of all, loving man. I will admit though, I am plus-sized, fat, whatever you want to call me. However, I know men (well, SOME do) like a plus-sized woman but, it takes a SPECIAL man to love a fat woman, seriously. What my question then is this.... Is this obsessive concerning the sites? What other option would you try if you were in my situation then? I am TIRED of being alone, wondering where I'm going every holiday because I don't have a family/spouse/kids. I mean, I can go to my parents and brother's house (I have a sister too but, we're estranged). I have relatives too but, it's not the same as having a spouse/partner and your own family. So, should I try on some more sites and spend the money again if not, what options should I try? Not necessarily obsessive, but certainly excessive. Spending $5,000 to find a man? I hope when you do, you will get a ring that costs at least $5,000 There are so many other things that $5,000 could be spent on that are all about YOU. Join a gym, get your hair done, buy some new clothes, find a hobbie. If you've spent this much money and time on dating sites with no success, just stop doing it. Enhance and reflect on the things you like about yourself and work on the things you don't like one at a time. Be yourself, go out as often as possible with friends and even by yourself sometimes. Going out by yourself doesn't come across as being a loser, it's confident, secure and open. Men are more likely to approach you for conversation at least if you're not lost in a "crowd". Mix it up a little. And, just learn to be happy with yourself and being alone. When you do that, you'll feel freer, in fact. That comes across well with men usually.
pteromom Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 I would forget about finding a man for now. Have an attitude that you are going to go out and enjoy your life, and if you meet someone, great. Going out and doing things you enjoy is going to surround you with an aura of happiness and joy. It will make you much more attractive. Is 48 your age? Because if so, that is a much bigger hurdle than your weight. Most of the good men your (our) age are married. Of the ones that aren't, a good portion of them are looking for younger women. You will have the best chance of meeting someone by just going out and living your life, and making sure to talk to the people around you. Let all your friends and family know you are looking in case they know or meet someone interesting. When it comes to your appearance, do not try to be what you think men want. Dress in the way that most makes you feel like your true self. I wouldn't waste more money on dating sites, but it doesn't hurt to keep profiles up on the free sites, just in case.
Gary S Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 The majority of men prefer women who are in shape. Eat smaller portions, low-crab diets also work. Exercise. Easy to say, hard to do, but you must make a lifestyle change. Then watch the guys flock to you. I'm not kidding. Besides, it's healthier for you.
losangelena Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 OP, couple of questions: Hi, I'm a straight, heterosexual, Caucasian woman who's officially been single since 2004. I am in my forties now. I WAS engaged in the past but, due to unforeseen circumstances, he passed away. From there, I have been on SO many dating sites. What I'm questioning is this.... I have spent since 2004, a total of over $5,000 now for online dating sites such as Match, Eharmony, American Singles, Christian Mingle, etc. I have been on a total of 12 sites in total. [What's your track record been like on these sites? Have you actually been on dates, or have there been like, tumbleweeds?] I have NOT been on or made a profile for any "adult" sites due to the fact that I'm not looking for a one-night stand, etc. Plus, with my career, I do not want problems at my job or be perceived as problematic, disgusting, etc. People WILL judge you, believe it or not but, they WILL if you're on those sites. Think about it. I have changed my appearance, my weight has fluctuated and I've done many other options/activities in trying to meet a decent, sane, secure & most of all, loving man. I will admit though, I am plus-sized, fat, whatever you want to call me. However, I know men (well, SOME do) like a plus-sized woman but, it takes a SPECIAL man to love a fat woman, seriously. [it's true that your dating pool will be smaller because of your weight, but it's not an impediment unless you allow it to be. That's not a judgement, by the way. I used to weight over 300 lbs and just assumed I'd never been in a relationship. I'm about half of what I used to weigh, and it can still mentally be hard sometimes, but the emotional issues from having been so big have been harder to shed than the weight itself. However, I know two plus-sized ladies who are very successful with men. One was actually on a dating site that catered to the larger set (where she met her husband, who is actually very thin). The other, unmarried one started by meeting men for casual encounters on CL and eventually met two decent guys that way (maybe not the best way, but it worked for her).] What my question then is this.... Is this obsessive concerning the sites? What other option would you try if you were in my situation then? I am TIRED of being alone, wondering where I'm going every holiday because I don't have a family/spouse/kids. I mean, I can go to my parents and brother's house (I have a sister too but, we're estranged). I have relatives too but, it's not the same as having a spouse/partner and your own family. [Not obsessive, no. That's 11 years of online dating; $5,000 doesn't actually seem like that much money. It may be time to try some new things though, if you're not getting the results you want. Try free sites, or ones that cater to plus-sized women (if you haven't already). If you want to lose weight, try. If you feel like you have mental or emotional hang ups about it, find a therapist.] So, should I try on some more sites and spend the money again if not, what options should I try? 1
kendahke Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Quite honestly, I'd go travel during the holidays. You can't put your life on hold waiting for someone to go somewhere with you. You have to take that bull by the horns. Pick a place and go make traveling there happen. 1
losangelena Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 The majority of men prefer women who are in shape. Eat smaller portions, low-crab diets also work. Exercise. Easy to say, hard to do, but you must make a lifestyle change. Then watch the guys flock to you. I'm not kidding. Besides, it's healthier for you. Lol, Gary—I think you mean "low carb." While I agree with you about what most guys prefer, I don't necessarily think that someone's size or shape they're in exempts them from finding love. Some men DO think larger women are attractive, so to say that her only option is to lose weight seems not only unfair but inaccurate. That can be a years-long process, so what is she supposed to do in the meantime, sit on the sidelines? Weight loss is not just about eating smaller portions and exercising (though those things do make a difference). Things like heredity and metabolism come into play that sometimes make it quite difficult. Besides, some people just don't WANT to lose weight. Fat people find love all the time. So the fact that OP has not had success means that either she's not looking in the right place or that there's some kind of mental/emotional block coming into play (IMO). 3
Gary S Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Lol, Gary—I think you mean "low carb." While I agree with you about what most guys prefer, I don't necessarily think that someone's size or shape they're in exempts them from finding love. Some men DO think larger women are attractive, so to say that her only option is to lose weight seems not only unfair but inaccurate. That can be a years-long process, so what is she supposed to do in the meantime, sit on the sidelines? Weight loss is not just about eating smaller portions and exercising (though those things do make a difference). Things like heredity and metabolism come into play that sometimes make it quite difficult. Besides, some people just don't WANT to lose weight. Fat people find love all the time. So the fact that OP has not had success means that either she's not looking in the right place or that there's some kind of mental/emotional block coming into play (IMO). - Darn typos! I like "low crab" though, it's funny.......I think I'll just say that from now on, lol Of course horizontally-challenged people find love. But it's a smaller dating pool- much smaller. Like I said, if she looses the weight, the guys will flock to her. 3
losangelena Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 - Darn typos! I like "low crab" though, it's funny.......I think I'll just say that from now on, lol Of course horizontally-challenged people find love. But it's a smaller dating pool- much smaller. Like I said, if she looses the weight, the guys will flock to her. I would hate to be on a low-crab diet! I love the shellfish! I understand what you're saying, but I don't think OP just wants to hear that she should lose weight. She has probably gotten that message many times over the years. Besides, it's so easy to just tell someone to lose weight, but so much harder in practice. Like I said before, IF she even WANTS to lose weight, that's a process that could take years; she's interested in finding companionship now. I don't mean to berate or lecture or anything. It's just that I've been there, and it's an awful place to be. I personally could not accept myself as a larger person, so losing weight was imperative. I have some larger female friends who are quite content with their size, and have had luck finding interested men. It really comes down to what OP wants to do in that arena. 2
Versacehottie Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 OP you sound like you have a good attitude for what you have been through. Very matter of fact too. I like what losangelena said about some specific sites what that is the physical preference. Also I don't think christian mingle would be bad to stay on since it would seem like a relationship with God might be the most important thing people there were looking for. Admittedly, I don't have experience or knowledge if this is true. My advice about losing weight is to get your confidence up from achieving something primarily and appealing to a wider audience of men secondarily. I don't want you to think from what I said or what anyone else has said that if you are overweight you would have a very, very difficult time finding a boyfriend. My coworker just got engaged and she is very overweight. I notice lots of couples where the girl is overweight so don't let that affect your mindset of what is possible. I feel like you can absolutely do this. Good luck! We are here to help you navigate it too. 1
Versacehottie Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 I would hate to be on a low-crab diet! I love the shellfish! I understand what you're saying, but I don't think OP just wants to hear that she should lose weight. She has probably gotten that message many times over the years. Besides, it's so easy to just tell someone to lose weight, but so much harder in practice. Like I said before, IF she even WANTS to lose weight, that's a process that could take years; she's interested in finding companionship now. I don't mean to berate or lecture or anything. It's just that I've been there, and it's an awful place to be. I personally could not accept myself as a larger person, so losing weight was imperative. I have some larger female friends who are quite content with their size, and have had luck finding interested men. It really comes down to what OP wants to do in that arena. I agree. I think OP wants a love strategy not a fitness and weight loss one. If I thought that telling her to lose weight was the ONLY way she'd find a bf, I'd say to do that. But being overweight is not going to stop her from having a bf if she takes as much action as she can to make it happen in all ways, such as building her social network, keep some dating sites, build her confidence, expand her hobbies. Even if weight loss is a goal of hers, she can do these things and have a boyfriend in a few weeks time whereas lasting weight loss of a significant amount may take a year or two. If you are a reader of fitness magazines, like I am, they always have these great stories about people who have lost weight and OFTEN the story has that the boyfriend or husband loved her from the beginning when she was at her heaviest and has supported her through and they are stronger for it. So just want OP to know love is possible! 1
losangelena Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 OP you sound like you have a good attitude for what you have been through. Very matter of fact too. I like what losangelena said about some specific sites what that is the physical preference. Also I don't think christian mingle would be bad to stay on since it would seem like a relationship with God might be the most important thing people there were looking for. Admittedly, I don't have experience or knowledge if this is true. My advice about losing weight is to get your confidence up from achieving something primarily and appealing to a wider audience of men secondarily. I don't want you to think from what I said or what anyone else has said that if you are overweight you would have a very, very difficult time finding a boyfriend. My coworker just got engaged and she is very overweight. I notice lots of couples where the girl is overweight so don't let that affect your mindset of what is possible. I feel like you can absolutely do this. Good luck! We are here to help you navigate it too. I agree, I agree! I am bigger than my BF. Sometimes it bothers me, but most of the time I don't think about it. He seems to have no qualms, that's for sure. Also Versace, back in my church-going days (when I was a bit heavier than I am now), I was NEVER asked out. For a long time, I thought it was just because the church guys I knew didn't date. Imagine my surprised when I realized that so many of my (thinner, more conventionally attractive) were getting asked out left and right. I have never been in a more shallow dating pool than a church dating pool. I had to LEAVE the church to find interested men. Crazy, huh? 1
Versacehottie Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 I agree, I agree! I am bigger than my BF. Sometimes it bothers me, but most of the time I don't think about it. He seems to have no qualms, that's for sure. Also Versace, back in my church-going days (when I was a bit heavier than I am now), I was NEVER asked out. For a long time, I thought it was just because the church guys I knew didn't date. Imagine my surprised when I realized that so many of my (thinner, more conventionally attractive) were getting asked out left and right. I have never been in a more shallow dating pool than a church dating pool. I had to LEAVE the church to find interested men. Crazy, huh? Oh ok maybe strike the christian mingle idea. It does make sense that they would have a very conventional and rigid idea of who they should be with. I don't have much experience in that realm. Losangelena has great advice and words of encouragement for you OP. You should listen up
fitnessfan365 Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 If you're unhappy w-your size and you're single, why not spend this time getting in shape and changing your body to look the way you want? Having a settling mentality where you tell yourself that you'll eventually find a man that likes bigger women won't get you anywhere. Instead, take action and go after what you want. Start exercising regularly, use portion control, and get in shape.
clam Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 - Darn typos! I like "low crab" though, it's funny.......I think I'll just say that from now on, lol This cracked me up when I read it the first time!! "Low-crab"... Lol
Author spooky48 Posted October 2, 2015 Author Posted October 2, 2015 Thank you for your thoughts and posts regarding this.
losangelena Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Thank you for your thoughts and posts regarding this. OP, what are you current thoughts/been your experience since you posted this?
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