pearlydewdrops Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 So I've been with my 'bf' for six years and we started living together last year and increasingly over the last few months I'm starting to feel like I've made a huge mistake. To give you a bit of background we met though a mutual friend all those years ago. We were both recently out of long term relationships but there was a spark and we got on well...we hung out each weekend which suited me fine. The 'relationship' was weird he had his own place and car yet he would make me get two trains to get to him but me being me I accepted it and went to him like an obedient dog each weekend...he of course had no complaints. Not long into things I found he had a wandering eye he would constantly compliment other girls assets or say he'd like to screw them in front of me then wondered why I'd get upset. Then one day about a year in I found he'd had a girl from his work sleep over in the same bed but he said they didn't have sex..as you can imagine I didn't believe him. Anyhow normal services resumed, we hung out and the usual but very suddenly two years into our 'thing' my mother died and I was a mess. He was okay about it sort of thoughtful but when I asked him to attend her funeral and be there to support me he didn't show. I was too emotionally drained to be upset at the time but it angered me so much afterwards. It was becoming more and more apparent how selfish he was and one night I heard a song that made me think of my mother and burst into tears. His response...”It’s been a while now get over it!”That made me so mad and I told him he wouldn’t be seeing me for a while. I was so insulted. This lasted 5 weeks and he would text when he was drunk saying he didn’t want me to forget him and other such stuff. I gave in went to see him we slept together and resumed our ‘thing’. He seemed different as if he’d changed got rid of the condescending remarks, leering at other girls and I felt I’d been abit melodramatic. A few times I’d told him I loved him but he never ever said it back and to this day still hasn’t. The nearest I got was a drunken text one night saying “Your my good friend who i love” but that’s been it tbh which made me feel cheated but I accepted it. We have each other on FB and not to sound immature but we don’t have a relationship status at all. In the six years we’re known each other we have NEVER had a photograph together and a few times in the past he’s been invited to friends weddings as a guest with myself he declines. He’s even gone so far as to hide from work colleagues of his when he’s out with me. Last year I thought it’d be a good idea to suggest moving in together. I’m not getting any younger and my dad needed his own space as our relationship had gotten about rocky. We got a flat in the city near his work and as with most of our ‘thing’ has been it’s me that’s made all the sacrifices. I’ve moved 30 miles from home but have to travel for 1 hour and a half each way to get to work (near my old house) five days a week. Things seemed good at first but progressively he’s been grinding me down he doesn’t like how I clean the flat even though he doesn’t lift a finger, he moans about how early I get up for work and how late I get home. He hates how long it takes me to do my hair, he doesn’t like the clothes I wear. He complains about me being always broke (the travel and living in city is expensive) it’s a constant cycle of moaning. If he’s not doing so about me it’s about his friends (he only has a few) or his health he’s such a hypocondriact! Every weekend it’s the same routine he’s supposed to go out with friends but has a diva moment and cancels so I’m stuck with him doing what he wants for a quiet life. Sex well let’s just say only one person is ever pleased during the act which is only ever when it is a suitable time for him and he’s ‘in the mood’. He says I have a pretty face but my body could be doing with some work....he’s not exactly perfect himself. I’m broke because of the expenses of everyday life and sometimes I ask to borrow money I don’t do it unless totally necessary because I get a ‘your such a stupid little girl’ speech and it’s cast up to me at every opportunity. It was my mums anniversary last month and I was pretty depressed and I’m not even denying it but again I got told that 4 years was long enough to mourn time to move on. I didn’t bite but was seething once again. I went to the doctors the other day I’m suffering anxiety and was given pills something which I’ve never had to do but I do feel it’s helping. I feel a failure but I needed something. So basically it’s ultimatum time I can’t move back with dad as he’s said he won’t have room. I’m stuck in a house with a guy who makes me feel worthless and I can’t get out. I’m 34 and I just have this whole notion that there could be something better out there for me. I just don’t know how to do it...he’ll be devastated but I think I need this because I’m losing myself and I have a knot in my stomach each day. Sorry to go on but any help or advice would be so amazing.
PaperCrane Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Is it love? No. Was it convenient? Yes. Is there something better? Yes. Is it time to get out as fast as you can? Yup. 3
stillafool Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 How you end it is to move out and go no contact with him. I'm glad you saw his true colors before you made the biggest mistake of your life by marrying him. 3
Author pearlydewdrops Posted September 9, 2015 Author Posted September 9, 2015 He's told me he doesn't want to marry me. I think he's got delusions of grandeur where he believes he'll marry someone who is absolutely beautiful but I can't see it. 1
stillafool Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 He's told me he doesn't want to marry me. I think he's got delusions of grandeur where he believes he'll marry someone who is absolutely beautiful but I can't see it. Who cares who he marries. The point is he told you he doesn't want to marry you and now you know there's no future with him. What else do you need to make you move out? 2
Satu Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Do whatever you have to do to get out of there. Don't waste you life on someone who only cares about himself. 3
mightycpa Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 What's the problem? Is a lease obligation the obstacle? Uncertainty? Or is it 6 years of history? I can't put my finger on what's holding you back. 1
Author pearlydewdrops Posted September 9, 2015 Author Posted September 9, 2015 I'm not sure why I'm scared I just am.
PaperCrane Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 I'm not sure why I'm scared I just am. Change. Change is scary. 1
mightycpa Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 This seems pretty straightforward then. How to do it? In order: 1) DECIDE. Everything else will follow once you decide. The truth seems to be that you haven't quite done that yet. To decide means to choose a course of action, and to accept the consequences for that action. Yes, it will hurt him. Yes, it will hurt you. Yes, it will be difficult, challenging and troubling in many ways. And you do it anyway, and you stick to it. I don't think you're there yet. I think that's the trouble. 1
SoThatHappened Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Ok, you're scared, likely because of the uncertainty and change. But, let me run this question by you; - Do you want to continue being unhappy in what sounds like a pretty love-less relationship? I think you have 2 options, and what mightycpa said you need to decide: 1) Stay in the relationship and hope it gets better. 2) Get out of the relationship and find someone better suited to you. Getting out may also make him realize what he had and fight for you back. However, if that happens, you BOTH need a good amount of time alone between the breakup and reconciliation. I'd say a year, minimum, to learn and grow. I'm sorta pushing for Option 1 because you sound like a great girl who's simply being treated like you're disposable. 1
Author pearlydewdrops Posted September 9, 2015 Author Posted September 9, 2015 Thanks so much for the replies and support folks. Change is scary I don't want to hurt him but I can't keep living a lie and I know it's bad because my own mental health is suffering. I suppose I'm feeling ashamed because I've failed in yet another relationship. My judgement skills are poor.
opalant Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 I'm 18, I had to force myself to stay away from my ex boyfriend of 3 years because he was selfish too, he was emotionally and physically abusive but he was all I'd ever known. I didn't know any better. Get out of the relationship as soon as you can, don't waste yourself on a guy like him. I stayed with my ex for longer than I should have done because of our history, I felt like I needed to make it work, that I was a failure if I didn't. But 4 months after the break up I now feel like a failure for not leaving sooner, I wasted so much time I could have spent on myself and finding someone that would treat me right. What's the point in staying in a relationship with someone that doesn't show you they care through their actions, words are all very well and good but if they're actions show the opposite that's who they truly are. Move out, stay with a friend if possible? 1
Author pearlydewdrops Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 Alot of my friends have partners, kids or both I wouldn't want to intrude. I just need to get a plan in place and stick to it
stillafool Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 Can you move back in with your family? People have failed relationships all the time and there's nothing to be ashamed of. This man isn't your husband and has told you he isn't going to marry you. People will look at you as a fool if you stay with this guy. 1
Author pearlydewdrops Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 Can you move back in with your family? People have failed relationships all the time and there's nothing to be ashamed of. This man isn't your husband and has told you he isn't going to marry you. People will look at you as a fool if you stay with this guy. Sadly no my dad has had work done to the house so it's no longer suitable for me to live there. I know, that's why I'm looking to change the situation...I have a knot in my stomach every day so I know it's not healthy.
stillafool Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 That knot in your stomach may turn into an ulcer if you don't get away from this man. You probably aren't eating good either with that knot, are you? 1
Author pearlydewdrops Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 That knot in your stomach may turn into an ulcer if you don't get away from this man. You probably aren't eating good either with that knot, are you? I'm not really eating tbh when I do eat he always comments on the calories and the weight so nah I don't tend to eat much.
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