I think I'm the rebound woman... should we take a break?

[millymollymandy]

I very recently met a wonderful man and we were instantly extremely attracted to each other. He asked me if I was available and we went out on a date the following evening, and then the second date the next day (yesterday).

 

We had an amazing connection and I am smitten and swept off my feet. I was excited and really truly felt that finally I have met the man I'm supposed to be with. We even spoke about possibly having children together in the future. He has called me every day since we met - 4 days ago and I felt happy and comfortable. It was moving fast but felt right.

 

Anyway, today it dawned on me that I am merely his rebound girl and although the feelings are real on my part, from his side he is only transferring his feelings from his ex onto me and wanting me to fill the void, fill her shoes, numb his pain.

 

He was having an affair with a married woman and it only ended two weeks ago! And I already know a lot about her bc he talks about her a lot eg I know her name, her husband's name, kids names, what she does, what she's like etc... They are still friends, and most likely still gym buddies.

 

I went from floating on a cloud to crashing down to the cold hard ground of reality. He could've picked any woman to date and it would have been as intense and the connection as strong as it seemed with us, right?

 

I really like him. I have been single for a long time waiting for someone exactly like him - kind, funny, emotional, and a bonus is he's so gorgeous as well.

I did think initially that he was out of my league - before he asked me out, and I couldn't believe my luck, but if he was rebounding he doesn't care who the rebound is as long as she acts as a bandaid and fills the void, suppresses the feelings. Is this correct?

 

What should I do? Do you think I should tell him that we should stop seeing each other for at least two months while he addresses the feelings he is suppressing and see whether to not he will continue with the ex. Then after that time, if they haven't reconciled and he still wants to date me, we can start again? Would that give us a better chance of working out?

 

Sorry for the long post, it's the middle of the night and I'm a romantic, highly sensitive person, and I just want to take the right course of action to lower the risk of heartbreak where at all possible, bc I think rebound people get hit hard.

 

Thanks for reading and for any advice

[clam]

For the simple fact that you're already discussing having children together on your SECOND DATE, I say it's time to end this.

 

No reasonable person would even broach that subject with a complete stranger. I don't care how "deep" your conversations were. It's a huge red flag that this guy is a flake.

 

Methinks he is just paying you lip service. And yes, you are likely the rebounder.

[Gaeta]

What should I do? Do you think I should tell him that we should stop seeing each other for at least two months while he addresses the feelings he is suppressing and see whether to not he will continue with the ex. Then after that time, if they haven't reconciled and he still wants to date me, we can start again? Would that give us a better chance of working out?

 

You should pass it all together and keep on looking for the right man for you.

 

Two months is nowhere close to the time this man needs to set himself straight. He'll be on the rebound for a couple of years I assure you.

[Redhead14]

I very recently met a wonderful man and we were instantly extremely attracted to each other. He asked me if I was available and we went out on a date the following evening, and then the second date the next day (yesterday).

 

We had an amazing connection and I am smitten and swept off my feet. I was excited and really truly felt that finally I have met the man I'm supposed to be with. We even spoke about possibly having children together in the future. He has called me every day since we met - 4 days ago and I felt happy and comfortable. It was moving fast but felt right.

 

Anyway, today it dawned on me that I am merely his rebound girl and although the feelings are real on my part, from his side he is only transferring his feelings from his ex onto me and wanting me to fill the void, fill her shoes, numb his pain.

 

He was having an affair with a married woman and it only ended two weeks ago! And I already know a lot about her bc he talks about her a lot eg I know her name, her husband's name, kids names, what she does, what she's like etc... They are still friends, and most likely still gym buddies.

 

I went from floating on a cloud to crashing down to the cold hard ground of reality. He could've picked any woman to date and it would have been as intense and the connection as strong as it seemed with us, right?

 

I really like him. I have been single for a long time waiting for someone exactly like him - kind, funny, emotional, and a bonus is he's so gorgeous as well.

I did think initially that he was out of my league - before he asked me out, and I couldn't believe my luck, but if he was rebounding he doesn't care who the rebound is as long as she acts as a bandaid and fills the void, suppresses the feelings. Is this correct?

 

What should I do? Do you think I should tell him that we should stop seeing each other for at least two months while he addresses the feelings he is suppressing and see whether to not he will continue with the ex. Then after that time, if they haven't reconciled and he still wants to date me, we can start again? Would that give us a better chance of working out?

 

Sorry for the long post, it's the middle of the night and I'm a romantic, highly sensitive person, and I just want to take the right course of action to lower the risk of heartbreak where at all possible, bc I think rebound people get hit hard.

 

Thanks for reading and for any advice

 

Yes, people on the rebound get hit hard and come on hard and fast until reality hits them and then they burn out as fast as they flamed. And, it's usually about just being distracted from the hurt over the ex.

 

However, you are not on the rebound but feeling "intensity". That wreaks more of desperateness and projecting into a dating scenario.

 

Breaks are for couples who've been together for a while and hit a rough patch and need time/space to evaluate, etc. Breaks are not for new dating scenarios where the parties involved are simply on different pages.

 

You can date him casually. Don't have sex soon and manage your emotions and expectations. Date others as well. Either you date him casually or you break it off. Don't call a time out. Given the "feelings" you have for him already, all you would be doing is putting yourself in a holding pattern waiting for him to come around and being on pins and needles.

 

Right now he is emotionally too available. At some point though, he will likely be emotionally unavailable for a while at least.

[Blanco]

Women have the rep of being too needy and clingy, but as a guy, I can say that such a description really belongs more to us than women. I find a lot of guys just don't like being alone, especially if they have been in a LTR or married. Most women, on the other hand, usually have more options and so it's not such a potentially daunting task to find companionship.

 

If this guy is talking a lot about the woman, it sounds like he's just reaching for a band-aid in the form of another person to help cover the wound. I won't say bail out, but I would only proceed with the understanding that it is very likely this guy will flake sooner than later.

 

But you never know. My ex started dating an older guy where she works (large company, so they don't actually work together) a couple months after our LTR ended. His wife had filed 8 months earlier and his divorce had not been finalized (he makes a LOT, has two kids, and there's property involved), yet he seemed incredibly eager to build something with my ex after she expressed interest.

 

He came on really strong, doing stuff like "jokingly" telling her that because he travels a lot for work, he could fly her out where he is once in a while, which seem like red flags. Then again, the guy was married most of his adult life and is kinda geeky, so who's to say he wasn't just nervous and a bit aloof about making a good impression?

 

Long story short, they are still together six months later. Conventional wisdom says he doesn't want to be alone and he's not yet healed from his marriage and may freak out once he's rebuilt his confidence. Obviously I long ago cut myself off from any details, so I have no clue if the relationship is growing with time, but the way I see it, it's possible that a guy who is just out of a major relationship is so desperate to not be alone that they could actually be a really generous, doting partner.