Update on my situation

[Bigmiked]

Hey guys posted about a year ago .

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/495424-need-break-woman-i-love

 

I was met with some different opinions and critisism. We did get back together shortly after . Things were pretty good for a while until we broke up about a month ago. I was the dumpee and she did it over the phone on her lunch break. I was so confused because two weeks before she told me how much she loved me and how grateful she was how I treated her so good. We were gonna get engaged this year and buy a house together. Throughout our relationship she would argue about the most Trival stuff, which is what led to my original post. Then I would get silent treatment for sometimes two weeks. When we made up she would say that's just the way she is . When she broke up with me she said I was immature and selfish but never said why . I would do anything for her kids and her. She basically didn't believe me that I wanted to be with her. But she said for me to think about it and maybe a break would be better.

 

Fast forward a week and I texted her to ask what she was running from. She doesn't handle stress well and at the time her daughter was in car accident but not hurt, uncle died , and daughter was leaving for college. I also new she wasn't telling me the truth about her age. She will be 48 , I'm 41.

 

We talked later on that night and I asked her about it. But also said it doesn't matter to me. I loved her. She blew up and said I have no right to even ask. We argued and she basically said she didn't believe I loved her or I wanted to marry her . Blamed me for everything. That was a month ago and last contact I've had. I do realize now she has many traits of BPD. Most notably the silent treatments , which happened a lot. She would also get mad in an instant over trivial things. Very insecure and jealous, often accusing me at looking at other woman when I wasn't. Or asking who was texting me . I would assure her I loved her but it wasn't good enough. She wouldn't let me compliment her beauty or sexiness. She would tell me she loved and cared about me one day and the next she wouldn't talk to me. During sex she would want me to tell her I would never be with anyone else and she would tell me no one would ever care like she did. When she was stressed I was the one that got pushed away. I would offer to help but she didn't want it. I once asked her to go to therapy and although she agreed , when it came down to it she said no and there was nothing wrong with her and questioned why I went. I have a ton more examples . It was only after I read up on BPD that this behavior made sense. She even did ST to her best friend over the winter for months over something stupid. She declared to me she would never talk to her again.

 

Basically her fear of abandonment made her sabotage the relationship. After all her dad left when she was young and her mom made her live with her grandmother. She had tough upbringing. Anyway I've come to terms with it and trying to move on. It hurt bad but everyday gets better. I still go to therapy. I understand there is nothing I can really do about it. She would need to get help. I do still love her but that isn't enough. From what I read she may try to contact me and I'm not sure what I would do.

Edited September 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited in paragraph separations ... ~ V

[Bigmiked]

Should add she still has my house key and I think she was in my house 2x.

[clam]

Change the locks on all your doors immediately. If she truly is BPD (and it sounds like she is) getting the key back will be next to impossible.

 

I know it hurts, but consider how fortunate you are that you really dodged a bullet. If you had indeed married her, you would be in for a very messy marriage and a world of hurt.

 

Some counseling for yourself might be helpful. Living with BPDers is "crazy-making" and can really do a number on your well-being and self esteem. Just to be able to talk through it and establish some healthy boundaries for yourself so you don't get drawn back in with her, or someone else just like her.

 

Good luck...

[Bigmiked]

Thanks clam. I don't even want to talk to her about it. I do go to therapy 2x a week. This has left me shattered.

[Downtown]

I do realize now she has many traits of BPD. Most notably the silent treatments , which happened a lot. She would also get mad in an instant over trivial things. Very insecure and jealous.

Mike, yes, you are describing some of the red flags for BPD. If she really is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), you should find most of these 18 BPD Warning Signs to sound very familiar. If so, I suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid repeating a painful experience -- i.e., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like the one you left. Take care, Mike.

[Bigmiked]

Downtown thanks. I read all that already lol. I've been on bpdfamily as well learning all I can. I've also read 2 books on it. The more I read the more I realize she probably is borderline. The funny thing is while we dated I asked her to go to therapy. She agreed at first but when the time came she didn't want to go staing she didn't need help, even questioned why I went. I guess in the beginning I thought I could help her if I knew more but no realize I can't. Reading other people's stories makes me feel a little better

[Bigmiked]

Downtown that thread seems so familiar to me. While the bad times were many the last few days I've been missing her and focusing on the happy times. I've kinda got myself into a little funk. I keep reading post after post on different sites . I am confident she is no doubt borderline. Everyday I can remember 1 more argument that started over nothing. So why would I still be missing someone like her and wanting to be back with her?

[Downtown]

So why would I still be missing someone like her and wanting to be back with her?

You may as well ask why parents miss their young children when going out of town on business. BPDers (i.e., those with strong traits) typically exhibit a warmth, purity of expression, charm, and spontaneity that otherwise is only found in young children. It makes them so very easy to love. It therefore is not surprising that two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

 

My experience, then, is that walking away from a BPDer can be as painful as abandoning a young child -- even though the child is unstable and immature. That's why a child will adore Daddy when he's bringing out the toys and, in ten seconds, flip to hating Daddy when he takes one away. It nonetheless is very difficult for healthy adults not to fall in love with young children -- despite all the temper tantrums and hissy fits.

[Bigmiked]

Indeed it is very painful. I'm gonna stay NC. Deep down I kind of hope she reaches out.

[Hipster_22]

Good idea, stay in NC. But don't use NC as a way of trying to get back with her. Use it to heal and move on, as difficult as it is. If you sit and hope she returns it will soon turn to expectation and if she doesn't, you will be back to square one. Whereas if you have moved on (even if you still have hope) and she doesn't pop up, you won't be disappointed. Even if she does you can then make a decision if you want her in your life or not.

[Bigmiked]

Untamed thanks, I plan on staying no contact. As difficult as it is.

[bluefeather]

why am I all of sudden finding more BPD stories ever since I have found that out about my ex.. guess they were always around and I am just seeing it more now.

 

feel sorry for her, but you can't help her. I think only she can help herself if she goes and gets it, and that kind of help is professional.

 

move on move on move on.

 

hope that helps, buddy.

[Bigmiked]

Blue thanks. While I know there is nothing I can do , the last few days I've just been feeling sad about the whole situation. While there were definitely crappy times it was only a few weeks ago I was happy. The last few days I've really been missing her .

[Oregon_Dude]

I do realize now she has many traits of BPD. Most notably the silent treatments , which happened a lot. She would also get mad in an instant over trivial things. Very insecure and jealous, often accusing me at looking at other woman when I wasn't. Or asking who was texting me . I would assure her I loved her but it wasn't good enough. She wouldn't let me compliment her beauty or sexiness. She would tell me she loved and cared about me one day and the next she wouldn't talk to me. During sex she would want me to tell her I would never be with anyone else and she would tell me no one would ever care like she did. When she was stressed I was the one that got pushed away. I would offer to help but she didn't want it. I once asked her to go to therapy and although she agreed , when it came down to it she said no and there was nothing wrong with her and questioned why I went. I have a ton more examples . It was only after I read up on BPD that this behavior made sense. She even did ST to her best friend over the winter for months over something stupid. She declared to me she would never talk to her again.

 

Basically her fear of abandonment made her sabotage the relationship. After all her dad left when she was young and her mom made her live with her grandmother. She had tough upbringing. Anyway I've come to terms with it and trying to move on. It hurt bad but everyday gets better. I still go to therapy. I understand there is nothing I can really do about it. She would need to get help. I do still love her but that isn't enough. From what I read she may try to contact me and I'm not sure what I would do.

Mike,

 

wow. Your story is very similar to mine. My ex did almost all the things you listed above - to an effing T. These are definitely borderline traits. And it's really tough after the breakup, wondering what you did wrong and what you could have done to keep things together.

 

The fact is, though, your ex and mine - they're damaged people. That is not to say they are BAD people; they are damaged, and there is no amount of love you or I could have shown them that would have made them stay. Breakups with people with BPD are harder to get over, because they're so crazy-making. We get NO answers, they disappear (mine did at a time of stress in her life - probably had another guy on the side, too) and we're left trying to pick up the pieces.

 

Console yourself with the fact that you are a GOOD person who just happened to get involved with the wrong woman. FORGIVE yourself. You are just fine the way you are. Eventually you will get involved with an emotionally healthy woman who will make so much sense for you. PwBPD are insanely attractive to us co-dependent types, and it doesn't hurt that they say all the right things to get us invested in them ("you're so handsome, I've never met anyone like you, you're such a good man" etc.).

 

You WILL recover from this. As long as you never hit her or hurt her or anything like that, just please realize that you're totally in the right on this one, and that you WILL meet a nice, normal, sane, healthy attractive woman some day.

 

Also. It's OK to feel sad. I feel sad sometimes about my ex. Feel those things. Just don't get swallowed up by them. Feelings are inherently fleeting, so when the sad thoughts come along, pay them attention, while knowing that in an hour you'll be on to some other feeling.

 

You are NOT alone in recovering from dating a BPD woman.

[bluefeather]

I got told things like that too. It felt like the way I could romantacize people, she was doing to me doubly. I would sometimes (although maybe foolishly) take pride in my ability to get absorbed into the other. So now that I think about it, her words and vibrations that she gave off... it was quite impressive!

 

you know what, **** it, I feel good right now. I'm damn confident and proud in my sexual prowess. I put a super amount of effort into her, in more ways than one and she answered each attempt of infatuation with more infatuation. It was a GREAT ride. Good trip, great sex. And I caught her. Was she that great fish? "The one that got away?" Or was she also the kind of fish that is not considered a "keeper?" Had to let that one go! What a dichotomy. How interesting was that relationship! But now it is time to move onto another. A better one. Now I know what to watch out for!

 

Above all else, her compliments are not what I still think about. She was just a straight up hottie. Smokin' girl. But I can find another. She wasn't the most beautiful one out there, for sure. I know it is just my brain making it seem that way. Once I realize this, the spell is broken. I can move on.

 

Take it with a grain of salt because I am still in the healing process too. But this is me right now. Strong, proud, happy to have gone through it, and happy to let go.

Edited September 13, 2015 by bluefeather

[Bigmiked]

Oregon and blue how long since your breakups? I never hit her or her her. I put every ounce of love I had into her. Would do anything for her. Would wake happy jus knowing I would see her. For Christ sakes I got a divorce for her. I know she's not the only girl out there but I did think she was the only one for me. Oregon its funny you mention stress. In July she was supposed to go to Colombia to see family . Well in the meantime her uncle became ill. Her mom pressured her to come weeks earlier and drop everything. Of course this led to daily arguments with her mom. She even cancelled a trip we had together. So she wound up canceling the trip and not speaking to her mom. Then daughter who was leaving for college (more worries) got into accident and totaled car. There were two silent treatments for me during all this. The last one did us in. She ruined the relationship and blamed me for everything. Said she doesn't need me , my money or a ring. Said she wanted to be alone. Of course it all makes sense now.

[bluefeather]

(edit: couple months... the time of split up was not the same as time of NC.) she didn't seem to understand how much was done on her behalf, or how much abuse I took, and kept coming back to when she would change her mind, or "understand things more clearly." something I noticed and brought up to her before I even heard about bpd: a heavily distorted perception of reality. it won't matter what you do. they will only see things how they choose to see them.

[Bigmiked]

Yeah man I hear ya . So far month and half no contact. Its funny , I was with her while I was married for 4 years. Things would be good and than argument and silent treatment. Happened often but only thought it was because I was still married. The sex was always great too, out of this world anything goes . She wanted it as much as I did. The last argument we had she said the relationship is based on sex. They do only see things the way they want. I could never ever win an argument . So far she hasn't reached out.