Lurker Posted May 13, 2005 Posted May 13, 2005 Hey all, Where to begin. I am a 27yr old M and have been with my wife for a total of 10 years now, married for 4. As you can see we were very young when we got together. I love my wife, but its hard for me to say im in-love with her. We are very much opposites and fight/argue all the time. Our communication is non-existant to say the least, and i have no desire to start conversations for fear it will turn into a fight for no reason at all (shes very stubborn and over protective by nature). It has been this way for years but since we've been together so long i feel as if i just "settled" down because i was comfortable. A little history... 6 years ago i left my wife (we were dating at the time) for another woman. This other woman has been and still is my best friend today. We are so much alike, complete each others sentences, and have never in the 12 yrs ive known her had an argument. Our communication is GREAT, as shes my best friend and i can confide in her on anything. I have known this other woman since before i ever knew my wife, and we even dated for a while in high school. To keep a long story short i love her, and have through all these years but held it all in. Back 6 years ago things were great when i was with her, but she was still living with her boyfriend even though they were not dating anymore, they also have a child together. After a couple months i feared that she would never leave her boyfriend and i begged my now wife to come back to me. I have a really hard time being "alone" and i needed someone in my life and this is why i went back to her. At the time my wife already moved on and kinda found someone else, but she took me back anyway and we are here today. All these years i've kept my feelings for this other woman in the back of my heart, often thinking about her, and still talking to her every once in a while since we are good friends. My timing is terrible, but 1 month ago my wife and I had our first child. About 5 months ago i started talking more and more with the other woman as friends would talk, and expressed my happiness for the baby, but the feelings for my wife were still the same. The more i talked to this other woman the more my old feelings were coming back. I realize now that i still love her, and she is the woman that i've always wanted and never could have. Im just so confused right now. I have a newborn that i love very much, but my feelings for my wife just arent there anymore. Some people say try counseling but that will not stop the fact that i love this other woman, a love thats none other like ive had before. I passed up my chance with this other woman 6 yrs ago and i dont know if i should pass it up again, my feelings are just so strong towards her. Obviously i've very confused. I've considered getting a divorce as i cant see my feelings towards my wife to ever be as strong as they are towards the other woman. *lost in emotions*
New_Wife Posted May 13, 2005 Posted May 13, 2005 Wow. I don't even know where to think about starting with you. First of all - Counseling. Go to individual counseling first and foremost. Please re-read what you have written and ask yourself, if your child is a girl, how would you feel about her being treated the way you've treated your wife? If your child is a boy, would you want him to treat another human with such cruel indifference? I am not judging you, but at 27, with a child, I highly suggest you consider when it is the appropriate time to grow up. What you describe for this other woman is not love. Sorry. You are not describing love for a single person in this equation. You are describing a "quick fix" mentality and an infatuation with a strong dose of "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome. Love involves a lot more. Please go find out what that is before you really screw up some innocent lives.
RecordProducer Posted May 14, 2005 Posted May 14, 2005 Obviously this other woman doesn't want you for more than as a friend. You've tried and she ditched you 6 years ago, remember? So don't have any hopes that the two of you were meant to be together. I didn't figure whether she has someone in her life or not right now, but you don't seem to be her first choice in any case. If she had any deep feelings for you, you would know that for sure. You have a one-month old child and while your wife is thinking about the baby 24/7, you think about your GF. Wake up and engage yourself more (mentally) in your baby. Right now you don't have a choice. You didn't leave her for 4 years, you can't leave now when she and the baby are so vulnerable. The law says that a man cannot divorce a woman until the child turns 1 year. It makes some moral sense, that's why the law was brought. Of course, you can find some excuse and split, but that just wouldn't be right. So wait with the divorce, if you have any plans for it. MC won't bring the sparkle, but will help you communucate. I am sure the poor communication is your fault as much as it is hers, it's just that none of you can see it clearly. Men view things different than women. MC might even help you prevent future problems from arising. It's easy to communicate with friends, co-workers, and mistresses; it's hard to communicate with the ones we live with under the same roof for years.
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