brokenheart789 Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 I'm a 29 yo F, met my ex in school about 9 years ago. We were crazy about each other from the beginning. Everything was perfect, minimal fights, even early on we talked about our future all the time. We went through med school together then had to be long distance on and off for the last 4 years. We mad it through mostly. We finished med school and matched into residencies in different states. Once we started I told him I was ready to get married, that was over 2 years ago. With the distance and our demanding work schedules it was difficult but we powered through. Getting engaged/married was incredibly important to me, we are from completely different backgrounds and at that point we had been together 7 years so it was time. His parents did not agree. They weren't the nicest to me. It became a point of contention. I kept pushing for our families to meet and finally move on. As the last year past we saw each other a bit more, I was able to move closer but still far. We kept up, still madly in love but still fighting about how to get the future we both wanted. I ended up willing to compromise everything to be with him so his parents would be happy. We got crazy busy, the past 6 months or so. Things didn't feel the same, we were seeing each other less, we fought more about getting married, he stopped talking to me about it and I freaked out. I could have handled it better but I was hurt and scared he would leave me. I told him to hurry up and marry me or I would leave him. That made him close me out even more. We finally got our parents to officially meet in May, in both our cultures this is to be the engagement. It wasn't I was so hurt. After we came back from the trip with everyone meeting he completely shut down on talking to me about it. I didn't even ask about the engagement but rather trying to plan the wedding. In our last year of residency things have to be planned way in advance, we have to start job hunting or apply for advanced training almost a year in advance and he couldn't give me an answer to anything. He kept saying he was hurt because of how I spoke to him, which is only to say I would point out the things he wasn't doing and how it was hurting me. We both basically stopped putting effort in. Slowly it fell apart. In the course of 2 months it went to a complete mess. He would say he can't talk to me, has to think about things, needs space to fix it. The time between calls got longer and longer. One day I blew him up upset and he told me it was over, doesn't want to see me, doesnt want to talk to me, that's it. No changing his mind it's done. I was devastated. I cried, I begged. The pain was unbearable. I knew how much he loved me and how much I loved him, I was convinced we could fix it. I gave him time. I reached out, he ignored me. I conceded that it was over and attempted to reconcile multiple times. He continued to ignore me. That was about 6 1/2 weeks ago. I look back and see how much of a coward he is. I've been a zombie at work, I hold back tears between patients. I think about him constantly. I've tried to pick up and move on, focusing on work, getting healthy, being a better person. It's great, I've made a lot of progress but I still can't shake him. I decided to try to meet up, I had texted again to ask for my keys, he sent them. He said he's a mess and still cares a lot and it's hard for him. I ask if we could meet, he refuses, keeps saying he will call me. I go to see him, not my proudest moment. He's with someone else. She been living with him, says it's only been a few weeks. He claims it was after we broke up, he's not that type of guy, he was alone. I was so hurt, he said he still loved me. I flipped, how can you love me and sleep with someone else. He said he was alone, didn't have anyone to talk to. I reached out so many times. Nothing. He said it hurt too much to talk to me. We both agreed that we care deeply, he says he was ready to be with me forever but felt we would continue fighting. He made so many excuses. He knew how much I loved him, I would have done anything. He did tell me he was upset before, but I was too and it was because he wasn't doing anything. How could I fix anything when he refused to talk to me?? So that was about 1 week and a half ago, I literally couldn't eat since then because I was so sick to my stomach thinking about them together. We spoke briefly afterward, he doesn't seem to really care for this girl or he's attempting to spare my feelings. I don't know, he says he could maybe still have a future with me. He says he's confused, he regrets breaking up with me. I'm in circles, I tell him we can reconcile, go to counseling if he leaves her. He says he doesn't want to try with me anymore. I'm heartbroken again. Just before the long weekend we spoke, I told him I was going to go on a date so I asked him if there's a chance. He said it was hard for him to think of me with someone else but he doesn't want to try with me right now. I go on my date, it's nothing special. I resolve to not contact him again. He mentioned he was going away for the weekend with her. It killed me more. I spent the weekend out with friends, partied, ate out, and had a sense of calm wash over me. I felt a new freedom, granted he was still constantly in my thoughts but it takes time. I got some great news at work and that boosted me up. I told myself that it's over no matter what. Never again. I finally felt like I was going to be ok and I was over him. Today, this evening it hit me again, hard. Overwhelming sadness, even cried a little. I don't know I guess it's all part of the process. I feel like every hour is still a battle. I miss him, I hate him, he was my best friend, he rejected me, I'm lonely, I don't deserve someone that would do this to me.. etc. I felt like a big part of it was accepting being single again, I feel like I did that and it was huge. I felt so much better, but then again hit hard. All I can do it strict NC and move on with my life. Distract myself. I just keep getting so caught up in the why and how. Sorry for the novel, I just had to get it out. 1
Christos Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Sad story. I am going through something similar, but i was in your ex's position, and it seems she found another while i did the begging.... I don't want to hurt you, but i would think he found the other woman far before your break up. He wasn't man enough to tell you the truth. Like my ex, they can't tell the truth, because that will make them understand how awful people they are. So, they just dumb you. What i think was a mistake on your part, was pressuring him into marriage. My ex did the same to me. Believe me, i loved her more than anyone, and i really could see myself married to her. I just didn't like the pressure at all, i would do it when i felt ready. Of course, you had many more problems that that, and it obviously wasn't the reason you broke up. In any case, it is best to try and move on. You deserve better and in time will find it. Stay NC. Never give a second chance to someone who could so easily throw away so many years of your life and break your heart. Never.
drseuss Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 (edited) Every time a read a recent break up thread regardless of the circumstances I always really feel for the people that have been hurt and I know ,as do alot of the other people on here that there is almost nothing that is as painfull to go through so I'm sorry this is happened to you , You guys have alot of time invested in each other , towards the end he grew cold and distant and I doubt too much it was because you were pushing marriage, it probaly didnt help , but he has his own mind and he hade made it up long before you broke up and he most likely has known/been seeing this girl for a while , hence how quickly she moved and got together I think he does really care about you and that's why he's saying things that conflict his actions " I regret breaking up with you " and all that stuff which frankly Is rubbish , he'd try and work it out if that is how he felt , he would be distroyed about you went on a date but seemed ok .look at what he does not what he says As for you guys getting back together of course it's possible but is it right , is there damage and will it be the same for you now he has been woth another person while still claiming to love you .... You need to step back as you have been fairly intense with him over the past week before and after your breakup , go no contact and let his mind and yours level out and you will see things much more clearly and not act on emotion or impulse , it's not an easy road but it's the best , you will be very up and down and it will suck but that's the nature of relationships and breakups , ultimately I can assure you you will be fine it just takes alot of time x Edited September 9, 2015 by drseuss 1
Seth0194 Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 I'm a 29 yo F, met my ex in school about 9 years ago. We were crazy about each other from the beginning. Everything was perfect, minimal fights, even early on we talked about our future all the time. We went through med school together then had to be long distance on and off for the last 4 years. We mad it through mostly. We finished med school and matched into residencies in different states. Once we started I told him I was ready to get married, that was over 2 years ago. With the distance and our demanding work schedules it was difficult but we powered through. Getting engaged/married was incredibly important to me, we are from completely different backgrounds and at that point we had been together 7 years so it was time. His parents did not agree. They weren't the nicest to me. It became a point of contention. I kept pushing for our families to meet and finally move on. As the last year past we saw each other a bit more, I was able to move closer but still far. We kept up, still madly in love but still fighting about how to get the future we both wanted. I ended up willing to compromise everything to be with him so his parents would be happy. We got crazy busy, the past 6 months or so. Things didn't feel the same, we were seeing each other less, we fought more about getting married, he stopped talking to me about it and I freaked out. I could have handled it better but I was hurt and scared he would leave me. I told him to hurry up and marry me or I would leave him. That made him close me out even more. We finally got our parents to officially meet in May, in both our cultures this is to be the engagement. It wasn't I was so hurt. After we came back from the trip with everyone meeting he completely shut down on talking to me about it. I didn't even ask about the engagement but rather trying to plan the wedding. In our last year of residency things have to be planned way in advance, we have to start job hunting or apply for advanced training almost a year in advance and he couldn't give me an answer to anything. He kept saying he was hurt because of how I spoke to him, which is only to say I would point out the things he wasn't doing and how it was hurting me. We both basically stopped putting effort in. Slowly it fell apart. In the course of 2 months it went to a complete mess. He would say he can't talk to me, has to think about things, needs space to fix it. The time between calls got longer and longer. One day I blew him up upset and he told me it was over, doesn't want to see me, doesnt want to talk to me, that's it. No changing his mind it's done. I was devastated. I cried, I begged. The pain was unbearable. I knew how much he loved me and how much I loved him, I was convinced we could fix it. I gave him time. I reached out, he ignored me. I conceded that it was over and attempted to reconcile multiple times. He continued to ignore me. That was about 6 1/2 weeks ago. I look back and see how much of a coward he is. I've been a zombie at work, I hold back tears between patients. I think about him constantly. I've tried to pick up and move on, focusing on work, getting healthy, being a better person. It's great, I've made a lot of progress but I still can't shake him. I decided to try to meet up, I had texted again to ask for my keys, he sent them. He said he's a mess and still cares a lot and it's hard for him. I ask if we could meet, he refuses, keeps saying he will call me. I go to see him, not my proudest moment. He's with someone else. She been living with him, says it's only been a few weeks. He claims it was after we broke up, he's not that type of guy, he was alone. I was so hurt, he said he still loved me. I flipped, how can you love me and sleep with someone else. He said he was alone, didn't have anyone to talk to. I reached out so many times. Nothing. He said it hurt too much to talk to me. We both agreed that we care deeply, he says he was ready to be with me forever but felt we would continue fighting. He made so many excuses. He knew how much I loved him, I would have done anything. He did tell me he was upset before, but I was too and it was because he wasn't doing anything. How could I fix anything when he refused to talk to me?? So that was about 1 week and a half ago, I literally couldn't eat since then because I was so sick to my stomach thinking about them together. We spoke briefly afterward, he doesn't seem to really care for this girl or he's attempting to spare my feelings. I don't know, he says he could maybe still have a future with me. He says he's confused, he regrets breaking up with me. I'm in circles, I tell him we can reconcile, go to counseling if he leaves her. He says he doesn't want to try with me anymore. I'm heartbroken again. Just before the long weekend we spoke, I told him I was going to go on a date so I asked him if there's a chance. He said it was hard for him to think of me with someone else but he doesn't want to try with me right now. I go on my date, it's nothing special. I resolve to not contact him again. He mentioned he was going away for the weekend with her. It killed me more. I spent the weekend out with friends, partied, ate out, and had a sense of calm wash over me. I felt a new freedom, granted he was still constantly in my thoughts but it takes time. I got some great news at work and that boosted me up. I told myself that it's over no matter what. Never again. I finally felt like I was going to be ok and I was over him. Today, this evening it hit me again, hard. Overwhelming sadness, even cried a little. I don't know I guess it's all part of the process. I feel like every hour is still a battle. I miss him, I hate him, he was my best friend, he rejected me, I'm lonely, I don't deserve someone that would do this to me.. etc. I felt like a big part of it was accepting being single again, I feel like I did that and it was huge. I felt so much better, but then again hit hard. All I can do it strict NC and move on with my life. Distract myself. I just keep getting so caught up in the why and how. Sorry for the novel, I just had to get it out. Brokenheart, First I am sorry to hear about your story, never easy when those we love so much let go and force us into a life we do or did not want. (To be without them) I am going through a similar break up, in where we are both in the same field. (here is mine) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/545086-lost-love-many-years I am at 7 days NC (but about 12 days since any last real conversation) it is hard but trust me, it will make you better, stick with it and do not give in, it will make you start all over again, do not let him pull you in. Ignore his texts, do not answer his calls. I get those moments in where I miss her so much and I tear up. It hurts it really does, but then I think. I am upset about the past and need to focus on my future. I write down feelings in a spiral notebook and read through them so I can keep track of progress or back slides etc. Stay strong, if you ever need someone to talk to we are all here for you.
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