Trying to understand my girlfriend's behavior

[ExpatInItaly]

What exactly does she say when she's had a few?

[twostep41]

OK, I see. This actually makes a lot more sense, thanks.

 

Two things jump out at me:

 

First, try and focus on the ways she shows she's invested concretely. You know you're not being strung along, so don't equate her verbal caginess with lack of interest or commitment.

 

Second, she's saying that the way you bring things up is too mushy/serious. Well that's interesting. I've noticed in the past that when I haven't gotten a bit mushy with my BF, he just kind of freaks out a little. He has a very low emotional threshold. He won't want to flee the relationship, but he definitely has the urge to leave the room sometimes. That used to bother me, but now it doesn't. Precisely because I DO know how much he cares/is invested. In turn, I've toned down how I speak to him or show how I care, so he doesn't freak out.

 

Is there a way you can bring up your feelings without it seeming like a big overture? I am all for that kind of communication, but if you have a partner who is made uncomfortable by it, then you may get better results if you tone down your approach a bit. I mean, I might get a twinge of discomfort if my BF said something like, "I told her, after the weekend, that weekends like that were why I'm crazy about her, love spending time with her, have been feeling closer to her than ever, and am why I'm excited about our future together."

 

If you find it important to be with someone who will respond to something like the positively, and can respond in kind, then I would say this is not the woman for you. Otherwise, maybe you can scale back your approach a bit and see what happens.

 

It's a process. I too am learning how to productively address certain things with my BF. If one way fails, maybe it's time to try a different way.

 

My girlfriend is not to the point of physically leaving the room, she just sort of does a mocking eye roll sometimes or goes silent. I have been trying to tone down my "mushiness," because I know she is not really into it. I stick to simple "I love yous," which she is fine with. I'm not sure what caused me to say what I said in the OP, I was just excited that the weekend had gone so well and it really did continue solidifying my feelings for her. After she didn't really respond, I immediately knew she didn't care for it and I apologized because I knew that's probably the response I'd get.

 

I totally can see how my comments were viewed as mushy. I guess I just don't know how I can express it another way. I don't try to me mushy, that's just how I say things I guess/how I've spoken in previous relationships. It's not that I have to be mushy, I guess it's that I feel like that's what all girls expect/like/are used to and that it's the communication style I have grown accustom to. I told her the same thing, saying I think it's important she knows that kind of stuff sometimes and asked if there was a different way of how I could say it, but she couldn't think of anything.

 

What exactly does she say when she's had a few?

 

She is just much more openly refers to things as "ours" or uses "we" more often. Things like that. She does catch herself doing that without having a few, but it's much more routine when she has.

 

The most recent example as this past weekend. We were having a few cocktails around the noon hour with a few friends prior to doing a food festival sort of thing. Her friend was discussing the cost of her house and mentioned to my girlfriend that there was one for sale on the same block. Her friend jokingly said she should buy it. I forgot exactly what I said, but her response was, "well yeah, you'd be paying half the mortgage." Prior to that, about a month back at her friend's wedding, we had both had a few and I think there was some sort of, "there has to be a ring on it first" comment and I replied with, "I plan on it" and then she mentioned, "well, you'd have to get my dad's permission first." Just stuff like that. I would have said the same things without the drinks, but I don't think she would have. Again, neither of us was fall on your face drunk at the time.

Edited September 9, 2015 by twostep41

[lovecoach]

I haven't read what others has wrote.

 

But let me say this YOU GUYS ARE NOT READY FOR MARRIAGE YET. WAIT!!!!!! Wait until she has the same feelings you are having. Seems to me that maybe she has been hurt in past and needs a little more time to realize that the love is real. Or maybe she never been in a relationship before and is a little immature. Whatever the reason may be she is not on the same level as you in this relationship. The same way you say you love spending time with her, she should feel the same exact way. Instead of her thinking that you are silly and need to shut up, she should instead feel goofy with you because the feeling should be matual. Keeping it real. How do you look? Is you ugly? Is you broke? Because women usually are the ones who feel the way you feel. Not saying that men don't love hard, because they do. I'm just saying that women usually fall in love first. It seems to be the other way round with you. But maybe she is immature or maybe she have a wall up because she been led on by guys in the past saying they love her and then they end up leaving her. I would say, just wait. Eventually, she will feel exactly how you feel or eventually she will expose herself and you will find out that she just not that into you. Either way, time will tell everything. So wait. And pray. Pray that she starts revealing her true deep emotions for you. She shouldn't have to be drunk to do this.

[twostep41]

I haven't read what others has wrote.

 

But let me say this YOU GUYS ARE NOT READY FOR MARRIAGE YET. WAIT!!!!!! Wait until she has the same feelings you are having. Seems to me that maybe she has been hurt in past and needs a little more time to realize that the love is real. Or maybe she never been in a relationship before and is a little immature. Whatever the reason may be she is not on the same level as you in this relationship. The same way you say you love spending time with her, she should feel the same exact way. Instead of her thinking that you are silly and need to shut up, she should instead feel goofy with you because the feeling should be matual. Keeping it real. How do you look? Is you ugly? Is you broke? Because women usually are the ones who feel the way you feel. Not saying that men don't love hard, because they do. I'm just saying that women usually fall in love first. It seems to be the other way round with you. But maybe she is immature or maybe she have a wall up because she been led on by guys in the past saying they love her and then they end up leaving her. I would say, just wait. Eventually, she will feel exactly how you feel or eventually she will expose herself and you will find out that she just not that into you. Either way, time will tell everything. So wait. And pray. Pray that she starts revealing her true deep emotions for you. She shouldn't have to be drunk to do this.

 

Yeah, I know we are not ready for marriage. That is why I mentioned we are both on the same page of not rushing anything.

[losangelena]

I haven't read what others has wrote.

 

But let me say this YOU GUYS ARE NOT READY FOR MARRIAGE YET. WAIT!!!!!! Wait until she has the same feelings you are having. Seems to me that maybe she has been hurt in past and needs a little more time to realize that the love is real. Or maybe she never been in a relationship before and is a little immature. Whatever the reason may be she is not on the same level as you in this relationship. The same way you say you love spending time with her, she should feel the same exact way. Instead of her thinking that you are silly and need to shut up, she should instead feel goofy with you because the feeling should be matual. Keeping it real. How do you look? Is you ugly? Is you broke? Because women usually are the ones who feel the way you feel. Not saying that men don't love hard, because they do. I'm just saying that women usually fall in love first. It seems to be the other way round with you. But maybe she is immature or maybe she have a wall up because she been led on by guys in the past saying they love her and then they end up leaving her. I would say, just wait. Eventually, she will feel exactly how you feel or eventually she will expose herself and you will find out that she just not that into you. Either way, time will tell everything. So wait. And pray. Pray that she starts revealing her true deep emotions for you. She shouldn't have to be drunk to do this.

 

I agree that it seem as if OP has deeper feelings than his GF, although, I will say that she could very well HAVE deep feelings, but just not be comfortable verbally expressing them. Feeling is easy, but sometimes saying it is hard.