twostep41 Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 My girlfriend and I (both in our mid-to-late 20s) have been dating now for 13 months. We have had a few minor bumps along the road, but the relationship has been great. I fell faster (at least I think I did), but she has always been into the relationship. She finished grad school in May and moved into her own apartment in July. Her job has her working a lot, but she has been flexible and we've been spending most weekends and a weeknight here or there together. Come the end of my lease (in February), I am ready to discuss living together and, in turn, taking the relationship to the next level (she was previously not ready to move in together, which was ok). I am not ready to propose, but I know that this is the girl I want to propose to. However, I feel like I sometimes get mixed messages from her and I get confused. For example, we spent this last, holiday weekend together from Friday night to Monday. We visited her folks, spent the night there (as we were traveling nearby the next day to visit other members of her family) and it was a great time. I told her, after the weekend, that weekends like that were why I'm crazy about her, love spending time with her, have been feeling closer to her than ever, and am why I'm excited about our future together. She isn't the greatest about expressing her feelings, so I jokingly prefaced all of that by saying I knew she'd find it corny and for her to shut it (with any responses towards my corniness), but felt she should know it nonetheless. She simply responded by chuckling and saying of course I knew to preface it by telling her to jokingly shut it. However, after a few drinks (and this is usually the case after a few drinks) she is very quick to become more emotional/forward-thinking about our relationship (e.g. mentioning moving in together, talking about the future together, etc). She sometimes talks about those things without a few drinks in her, but to much less extent. Given this, I get very confused. It feels like two extremes sometimes. I mean, she isn't usually hammered drunk when saying these things, so I don't know if the alcohol just makes it easier for her to say these things and then when she hasn't had anything she's much more reluctant to. I don't want to bring it up, because there was a time when she felt pressured. We worked through that and got on a level of understanding. We both, at the time, had stated we saw a future together, but wanted to take it a little more slowly. Any advice? Are these really mixed signals or am I just overthinking things? I just confused, but maybe I can't take the few drinks version of her too seriously? I know she said her previous relationship of two years ended badly (right around when they had started seriously discussing marriage, etc), so I don't know if she is having trouble completely opening up to me or what. But it's confusing to me and I don't want to get strung along myself.
LilaMarie Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Alcohol helps you relax. Meaning, that's probably makes it easier for her to share how she feels about you. Case closed
kilgore Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Alcohol helps you relax. Meaning, that's probably makes it easier for her to share how she feels about you. Case closed But you can't rely on that
mystikmind2005 Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 This looks like one of those logic verses 'feelings' contests. Her logic tells her your relationship is what she wants, so she tries to hold on to you for that reason and hoping her feelings will follow. Usually in these cases it is extremely likely she will at some point reach the conclusion that she should let you go to find someone who will love you as much as you love her. Sorry.
Author twostep41 Posted September 9, 2015 Author Posted September 9, 2015 I asked her about it this evening and she said she's fine talking about the future, but that she doesn't respond when I say this stuff to her in person because it's more serious (I think she is saying as opposed to her route to that discussion) and that it's mushy (which I already knew she doesn't like a lot of).
xcupid Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 You haven't said anything that sounds like there's anything to be concerned about. I get the impression she just has trouble opening up to you (unless she's less inhibited with alcohol.) Sometimes what's said under the influence is a good indicator of what's really going on in a person's thoughts.
losangelena Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 I don't think they're necessarily "mixed signals," either. Some people are just not great at expressing their emotions verbally. I'm like that. It's very hard sometimes to say to someone that I love them; and it's not because I don't, but because I do, and it's a very overwhelming feeling. My BF and I have been dating for a year now, and we've only said "I love you" a couple of times now to each other. The other day, I'd written him a card telling him just how I felt about him. I was in the other room when he read it, and before coming out to thank me for it, I hear him step into the bathroom and run the water for a moment, presumably to wipe his eyes (or maybe he was farting, lol). Point being, that the feelings are there, it's just that they're not always easily expressed. My BF and I are actually pretty similar/compatible in that area, though. That being said, her historical cagey-ness around marriage talk would make me concerned, especially if you don't know WHY that happened last time. If I were you, I'd get really clear on how long I'd be willing to wait for someone like that, and if they're no further along in their willingness to move forward, then jettison them. That way you're giving them a fair amount of time to process, but you're not wasting months and/or years of your life.
Buddhist Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 She sounds like an INTJ/INTP/ENTP/ENTJ. If you don't know what those are, look them up. Not all women are little fountains of pretty emotional responses. Your love language is very obviously words of affirmation, her's might be something else.
clam Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 This isn't going to bode well for the long haul. You're a "romantic", you like "mushy", you like to express your feelings and also be the recipient of those same expressions. She sounds cold, hard, non-emotional, non-sentimental, and not the least bit romantic. Your needs will never be met if you have to constantly "shut it" in her presence. You need to find a more compatible partner if you want to be happy.
justabottle Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Not everybody is good at expressing their feelings! My bf takes some time to warm up to me, and sometimes his comments take me off guard too! So just chill and just go with the flow! I'm the more expressive one in the relationship, and I'm more outspoken than my boyfriend, so I express my love and affection to him with lots of hugs, kisses and sweet messages. My bf shows his love in other ways, in which I didn't realize during the relationship. There are things that she will do that indicate she loves you, it doesn't need to be so straightforward like hugs and kisses though! Like for instance, when I go on dates with my bf, he will always choose the same stall as me when we visit a coffee shop, because to him, my needs are more important, and he knows that food makes me happy That's one way of how he shows his love for me. Just keep a look out for the things she does, and thank her for whatever she's doing! She'll love you more for that when you appreciate her:love:
Author twostep41 Posted September 9, 2015 Author Posted September 9, 2015 I don't think they're necessarily "mixed signals," either. Some people are just not great at expressing their emotions verbally. I'm like that. It's very hard sometimes to say to someone that I love them; and it's not because I don't, but because I do, and it's a very overwhelming feeling. My BF and I have been dating for a year now, and we've only said "I love you" a couple of times now to each other. The other day, I'd written him a card telling him just how I felt about him. I was in the other room when he read it, and before coming out to thank me for it, I hear him step into the bathroom and run the water for a moment, presumably to wipe his eyes (or maybe he was farting, lol). Point being, that the feelings are there, it's just that they're not always easily expressed. My BF and I are actually pretty similar/compatible in that area, though. That being said, her historical cagey-ness around marriage talk would make me concerned, especially if you don't know WHY that happened last time. If I were you, I'd get really clear on how long I'd be willing to wait for someone like that, and if they're no further along in their willingness to move forward, then jettison them. That way you're giving them a fair amount of time to process, but you're not wasting months and/or years of your life. I don't think she is cagey around marriage talk in general. I think she is just hesitant/more cautious in approaching that topic of conversation because of how her last relationship ended. It didn't end because of the marriage talk (I believe they were just constantly fighting about location issues because it was a LDR and other silly things), I just feel like because it ended after two years, she is a little more weary to jump into conversations of marriage, etc because she is worried it may end the same. This isn't going to bode well for the long haul. You're a "romantic", you like "mushy", you like to express your feelings and also be the recipient of those same expressions. She sounds cold, hard, non-emotional, non-sentimental, and not the least bit romantic. Your needs will never be met if you have to constantly "shut it" in her presence. You need to find a more compatible partner if you want to be happy. She likes romantic. For instance, she is into cliche things like flowers and stuff like that. I just don't think she likes the "mushy" commentary. I should clarify that I don't need the same verbal communication in return. For example, she says I love you back and has initiated the I love you plenty of time. She also will text that she misses me if we haven't seen each other in a week, so it's not like she is completely cold and non-sentimental. She shows me she cares in other ways, which is what I told her. She snuggles, she kisses hello and goodbye, she makes availability in her schedule, she invites me to weddings, family events, etc. I just get confused sometimes because after a few drinks she is loose and happily commenting on things like rings, me having to ask her father for permission when the time comes, us living together, etc. Sometimes it's in a playful manner, other times it seems more serious. But when she is stone-cold sober, it's hard to pull any sort of those things out of her and I get confused. I start to wonder if what she is saying after a few drinks is a) legitimate, b) just the booze talking, c) just a joke or d) a combination of the things.
losangelena Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 I just get confused sometimes because after a few drinks she is loose and happily commenting on things like rings, me having to ask her father for permission when the time comes, us living together, etc. Sometimes it's in a playful manner, other times it seems more serious. But when she is stone-cold sober, it's hard to pull any sort of those things out of her and I get confused. I start to wonder if what she is saying after a few drinks is a) legitimate, b) just the booze talking, c) just a joke or d) a combination of the things. OP, can you ask her (when she's sober) if she means the things she says when she's drunk? Is she so drunk that she can't remember what she says? People can be sober and disingenuous, too; keep that in mind. Better she be drunk and sincere than sober and lying to you. It would be best though if you could have those sorts of serious discussions when everyone has their wits about them, though. Is she going to have to discuss every difficult situation while drunk?
Author twostep41 Posted September 9, 2015 Author Posted September 9, 2015 I wouldn't say she is drunk when she normally begins saying some of these things. Definitely not drunk to the point where she cannot remember what she says. Usually after, maybe two drinks, is when she seems to more loosely converse about this stuff. I told her that I sometimes don't know how to interpret the stuff she says when she's had a few drinks before. And that if I say stuff when she hasn't had a few, I sometimes feel like I'm walking on eggshells. She responded by saying she's fine talking about the future and joking about whatever, but that when I say comments like that to her in person she doesn't respond well because it's more serious and she doesn't respond to mushy stuff. I have made it clear that I am not in a hurry for anything and that we're on the same page with that, but that I just get confused when there is seemingly two different angles she's coming from.
Redhead14 Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 My girlfriend and I (both in our mid-to-late 20s) have been dating now for 13 months. We have had a few minor bumps along the road, but the relationship has been great. I fell faster (at least I think I did), but she has always been into the relationship. She finished grad school in May and moved into her own apartment in July. Her job has her working a lot, but she has been flexible and we've been spending most weekends and a weeknight here or there together. Come the end of my lease (in February), I am ready to discuss living together and, in turn, taking the relationship to the next level (she was previously not ready to move in together, which was ok). I am not ready to propose, but I know that this is the girl I want to propose to. However, I feel like I sometimes get mixed messages from her and I get confused. For example, we spent this last, holiday weekend together from Friday night to Monday. We visited her folks, spent the night there (as we were traveling nearby the next day to visit other members of her family) and it was a great time. I told her, after the weekend, that weekends like that were why I'm crazy about her, love spending time with her, have been feeling closer to her than ever, and am why I'm excited about our future together. She isn't the greatest about expressing her feelings, so I jokingly prefaced all of that by saying I knew she'd find it corny and for her to shut it (with any responses towards my corniness), but felt she should know it nonetheless. She simply responded by chuckling and saying of course I knew to preface it by telling her to jokingly shut it. However, after a few drinks (and this is usually the case after a few drinks) she is very quick to become more emotional/forward-thinking about our relationship (e.g. mentioning moving in together, talking about the future together, etc). She sometimes talks about those things without a few drinks in her, but to much less extent. Given this, I get very confused. It feels like two extremes sometimes. I mean, she isn't usually hammered drunk when saying these things, so I don't know if the alcohol just makes it easier for her to say these things and then when she hasn't had anything she's much more reluctant to. I don't want to bring it up, because there was a time when she felt pressured. We worked through that and got on a level of understanding. We both, at the time, had stated we saw a future together, but wanted to take it a little more slowly. Any advice? Are these really mixed signals or am I just overthinking things? I just confused, but maybe I can't take the few drinks version of her too seriously? I know she said her previous relationship of two years ended badly (right around when they had started seriously discussing marriage, etc), so I don't know if she is having trouble completely opening up to me or what. But it's confusing to me and I don't want to get strung along myself. If you want to foster a relationship with a woman who can only be or say what you want her to be or say to you when she is drinking, you are going to be very unhappy. Unless she becomes an alcoholic and drinking every day, most of the time you will not feel what you need to feel from her. It's been 13 months and the only times you really feel like she is "serious" is when she's drinking. That says a lot right there. right around when they had started seriously discussing marriage, etc -- And, now she can only talk about these kinds of things when she's drinking -- she has to numb herself in order to deal with it. If most of the time you are feeling that she's not all in, then she's not all in. You can give it more time or give her more alcohol. I'd say move along.
Author twostep41 Posted September 9, 2015 Author Posted September 9, 2015 Well, another reason it confuses me is because we had agreed to ease back a bit on the speed of things. I had previously brought up the conversation of moving in and stuff way too soon (like only 6 months in). Looking back, I definitely jumped the gun. At the time she said she wasn't ready for that and we agreed to just let the relationship progress naturally, which I feel it has been. However, when she's had a few, she insinuates things she previously has mentioned not being ready for quite yet (which is fine. I am not rushing to get married and stuff).
Redhead14 Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Well, another reason it confuses me is because we had agreed to ease back a bit on the speed of things. I had previously brought up the conversation of moving in and stuff way too soon (like only 6 months in). Looking back, I definitely jumped the gun. At the time she said she wasn't ready for that and we agreed to just let the relationship progress naturally, which I feel it has been. However, when she's had a few, she insinuates things she previously has mentioned not being ready for quite yet (which is fine. I am not rushing to get married and stuff). Believe what she does, says and how she makes you feel when she's not drinking Period. The addage -- "a drunk mans words are a sober man's thoughts" is only about the man who doesn't say what's in his head or his actions aren't clear so he's just more relaxed when he's drinking. But in her case, she is actually saying things, not being quiet about it, when she's not drinking and it's differently than when she is drinking.
losangelena Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 However, when she's had a few, she insinuates things she previously has mentioned not being ready for quite yet (which is fine. I am not rushing to get married and stuff). I have a guy friend whose ex-BF would only bring up issues when he was drunk. My friend eventually had to break up with him because what kind of relationship is that? You can't ever reveal your true self unless you've been drinking? That doesn't bode well for the future. 1
Redhead14 Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 I have a guy friend whose ex-BF would only bring up issues when he was drunk. My friend eventually had to break up with him because what kind of relationship is that? You can't ever reveal your true self unless you've been drinking? That doesn't bode well for the future. IN these kinds of cases, they don't like their true self and that's causing them to drink which in turn allows them to be someone they aren't or would like to be. "Beer muscles/googles".
Author twostep41 Posted September 9, 2015 Author Posted September 9, 2015 I think the drinking thing is being taken out of context somewhat and people are making it seem like I think she has a drinking problem. She doesn't, she just gets more vocal about her feelings when she has had a drink or two. Outside of that, she is good. It's not like the only time she shows emotion/sentiment/affection is when she's drunk. It's just that's the only time she more likely to verbalize it. I don't feel as though she can't reveal her true self (because she shows me she cares in other ways), I just think it's an issue with verbally communicating it. Like, if she weren't considering a future with me, I don't think that she would be inviting me to her friends' weddings, inviting me to her parents' home/having me stay overnight there, etc. She is doing everything correct in that sense. Which is what makes me wonder if this is a non-issue.
Author twostep41 Posted September 9, 2015 Author Posted September 9, 2015 I have a guy friend whose ex-BF would only bring up issues when he was drunk. My friend eventually had to break up with him because what kind of relationship is that? You can't ever reveal your true self unless you've been drinking? That doesn't bode well for the future. We have had many constructive conversations/have worked through previous issues just fine (whilst both completely sober).
losangelena Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 We have had many constructive conversations/have worked through previous issues just fine (whilst both completely sober). Well that's good! I guess I too am wondering if this is a non-issue. From your initial post, you seem to wonder about her sincerity in wanting to move the relationship along, since she seems to only be forthcoming about these things after she's been drinking. I personally don't think you have anything to be confused about. You seem to be in a committed relationship with a woman who maybe has trouble VOICING her feelings, but who still has feelings nonetheless. Are you saying her reticence to talk about these issues makes it difficult to move forward? Are you afraid that'll be an issue? Like you want to talk about moving in together, but you're afraid she's not going to want to talk about it, or that she'll agree to it but not really want to? Sorry for all the questions, I'm just tryna understand what you mean.
Diezel Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Stop being so emotional and enjoy the relationship one day at a time. You seem to be way more worried about the future than she is. That's her job.
Author twostep41 Posted September 9, 2015 Author Posted September 9, 2015 Well that's good! I guess I too am wondering if this is a non-issue. From your initial post, you seem to wonder about her sincerity in wanting to move the relationship along, since she seems to only be forthcoming about these things after she's been drinking. I personally don't think you have anything to be confused about. You seem to be in a committed relationship with a woman who maybe has trouble VOICING her feelings, but who still has feelings nonetheless. Are you saying her reticence to talk about these issues makes it difficult to move forward? Are you afraid that'll be an issue? Like you want to talk about moving in together, but you're afraid she's not going to want to talk about it, or that she'll agree to it but not really want to? Sorry for all the questions, I'm just tryna understand what you mean. Her having trouble voicing her feelings without having a drink or two is what confuses me. It just throws me for a loop if one day we've casually had some drinks (again, not talking plastered drunk) and comments about the future are mentioned and she is freely talking about it to the next day me saying something about the future/somewhat mushy and her not really having much of a reaction. This is why I get confused/wonder if what she says after having a few is how she actually feels, since she has trouble voicing it otherwise (most of the time). I guess maybe I have a (potentially irrational) fear of what she is saying after a few drinks not being true and the fear of being strung along. Nothing else in our relationship, as I said, really points to their being any merit to that. I don't necessarily want to have the conversation about cohabitation and marriage right now, but I do feel like if I mention the future, I am walking on eggshells because (given her trouble voicing herself/lack of response) I think that a) it's not what she wants and b) me mentioning it will overwhelm her and cause her to flee. Then again, I told her this and she said she is not opposed to talking about the future, but that when I do it, it's too serious/mushy. Which I'm kind of unsure how to interpret.
Author twostep41 Posted September 9, 2015 Author Posted September 9, 2015 Stop being so emotional and enjoy the relationship one day at a time. You seem to be way more worried about the future than she is. That's her job. I probably am guilty of this and I have been trying to enjoy the relationship one day at a time, but I guess part of me still worries that this gets two years or more in and there's no direction. I don't know, is this on me? I know that I am kind of afraid of wasting years of my life on something that I know what I want out of, not working out. Everything she does from an action standpoint seems to be fine. We're attending her friend's wedding this weekend and she is coming to my grandpa's birthday dinner on Sunday.
losangelena Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 OK, I see. This actually makes a lot more sense, thanks. Two things jump out at me: First, try and focus on the ways she shows she's invested concretely. You know you're not being strung along, so don't equate her verbal caginess with lack of interest or commitment. Second, she's saying that the way you bring things up is too mushy/serious. Well that's interesting. I've noticed in the past that when I haven't gotten a bit mushy with my BF, he just kind of freaks out a little. He has a very low emotional threshold. He won't want to flee the relationship, but he definitely has the urge to leave the room sometimes. That used to bother me, but now it doesn't. Precisely because I DO know how much he cares/is invested. In turn, I've toned down how I speak to him or show how I care, so he doesn't freak out. Is there a way you can bring up your feelings without it seeming like a big overture? I am all for that kind of communication, but if you have a partner who is made uncomfortable by it, then you may get better results if you tone down your approach a bit. I mean, I might get a twinge of discomfort if my BF said something like, "I told her, after the weekend, that weekends like that were why I'm crazy about her, love spending time with her, have been feeling closer to her than ever, and am why I'm excited about our future together." If you find it important to be with someone who will respond to something like the positively, and can respond in kind, then I would say this is not the woman for you. Otherwise, maybe you can scale back your approach a bit and see what happens. It's a process. I too am learning how to productively address certain things with my BF. If one way fails, maybe it's time to try a different way.
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