Finding it hard to cope, and would really appreciate some .

[sillygirl123]

So.. apologies in advance for the novel. I found myself in a long distance, online 'relationship' last year. It started out as a friendship due to our shared interests/hobbies but quickly progressed into something much more than either of us was expecting. We chatted all day every day for 4 months via IM, from good morning texts to good night, sweet dreams last thing at night. We were constantly on each other's minds.

 

Sadly, it had to come to an end. I am in a poly (where you can have more than one partner) relationship with my long term boyfriend - which I was honest about from the very start, to which he claimed he was ok with. We never met in real life because he lived in another state but made concrete plans to meet up and have a long distance relationship. About halfway through, my mother died suddenly. He was very supportive, and became a distraction for me for the grief I was experiencing.

 

Around that time he started to have stronger feelings for me, and I for him. This is where it fell apart. He does not do polyamory or open relationships and wanted us to be monogamous (and that one of us would move to be together, in the same state). He rather abruptly called it off when it became clear that I could not do that. I absolutely love my boyfriend and would never leave him. I have room in my heart to love two people but he does not feel the same way. Now, I understand, respect and accept his decision, but he also told me that he wanted us to have no more contact EVER AGAIN (unless I was single, in which case, he wanted to pursue things).

 

We said our goodbyes and I felt alright for a couple of days, then the sadness hit me like a freight train. I messaged him because I was having a hard time and couldn't bear the thought of never being able to speak to him again. He wasn't all that sympathetic, and said that he missed me too but that he felt I just wanted to keep him around to fill a void in me while I looked for someone else to fulfil me and that staying in touch was a bad idea and would lead to temptation. I apologized for contacting him and we said our goodbyes again amicably. I told him that I was feeling better, so he wouldn't feel bad, but it was a lie. I was devastated. I sank into a deep depression and it took me a few months to pull myself out of it. Not being able to contact him because I didn't want to piss him off was very difficult but I stuck to it. I know that we never met in real life but my feelings were very real to me and I felt an intense connection with him. (We talked on the phone, and exchanged photos and videos- he was a real, genuine person, I know that for a fact).

 

It has now been about 8 months since that last contact and even though I am doing much much better, I still think about and miss him a lot. I think that the death of my mother made everything so much harder. Losing a parent, and then someone I cared for deeply in the space of six weeks was very hard on me. And I felt a little resentment and disappointment towards him for walking away when I was at the most vulnerable I have ever been. Losing my mother was the worst pain I have ever felt. It was like a double blow.

 

My question is should I ever contact him again at some time in the future? I'm talking about a year or so from now, when time and distance has had a chance. (Say a total of 2 years). I know that there will never be a relationship between us while I have a boyfriend, but I want him in my life somehow. It hurts my heart so much to think that this person is gone from my life forever. I think that I am just not able to let go.

[ScienceGal]

So, you're angling for a friendship with him? It might work, but I wouldn't count on it since he said he never wants to have contact with you again. It sounds like he really got hurt and in those cases, sometimes future friendship is not an option.

[Caslina]

Men can't share the woman he truly loves. Period. I think you need to understand this. In a way, you should understand he truly loves you.

 

I wish I am at your place *sigh

[sillygirl123]

Not exactly a friendship, although I would love that of course if he wanted to but the possibility of us being able to contact each other from time to time. To remain in each other's lives. To talk, confide in each other. He told me once that an ex of his had to move to a different state so they broke up but that they stayed in contact and even went out to lunch when she was in town, and I guess that I feel sad that he won't do that with me. I know that some relationship endings don't hurt as much as others and perhaps he wasn't that emotionally invested in her.

 

What hurts so much about this is that I would be with him RIGHT NOW if I was single/available to him in the way that he wants. That's the only reason it ended. It actually be easier for me to let go (not that it would hurt any less of course, just that it would be a bit easier to accept) if he dumped me because he was over it/met someone else, something like that, because it is eating away at me that this amazing person that I had such incredible emotional connection to, and who wanted me as much as I wanted him, I can never be with. It's heartbreaking.

[sillygirl123]

Men can't share the woman he truly loves. Period. I think you need to understand this. In a way, you should understand he truly loves you.

 

I wish I am at your place *sigh

 

This made me cry </3 I love him :, (

[Caslina]

Are you a Gemini? Most Gemini that I know have trouble keeping one partner

[sillygirl123]

Lol no, I'm a Libra. So obviously I cannot ever make a choice to save my life. I wish that a world existed where we never had to make any choices ever again. We could have both. I actually considered choosing him during one of my most vulnerable moments. And that makes me feel terrible. I have a very strong loyalty to my primary partner. Plus, who could respect someone who would leave their long term boyfriend, who loves and cares for them, for someone they have just met? I know I would wonder when they would do the same to me.

 

Damn it. Why does it have to hurt so much? And I was doing so well. It came out of the blue again today and knocked me sideways.

[Caslina]

I'm Gemini, I have experience what you're experiencing many times over. So I understand your feeling. You will get through this. It's never really the end. Think that you will speak to him again someday when it doesn't hurt anymore

[sillygirl123]

You have? Were you able to eventually reconcile? Yeah that is what I'm holding onto, that one day it won't hurt and we can be close again.

 

There are times when I wish I could just erase him from my memory like in that film 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind'. I really haven't felt right since it ended. That's life, though, I guess. You just learn to live with it.

[sillygirl123]

I should point out that we never actually said "I love you" to each other; it was only 4 months after all, but he told me that he cared for me a great deal and wanted to be with me, etc... but I guess, in as much as you can love someone that you have never met face to face, I did.

 

"I loved you like a man loves a woman he never touches, only writes to, keeps little photographs of."

 

-Charles Bukowski, Love Is A Dog From Hell.