740Park Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 Howdy all. I'm a female--mid 30s, if it matters and met a guy near the same age as me -- online. I'm a shy gal so it took me awhile to find someone Id be comfortable meeting. . . This gent messaged me; seemed very interested & we had much, much in common. If you're familiar with a certain site it has our match percent and we were in the mid 90s. I felt it a good connection and we texted, talked on the phone, and I wanted to Skype to help ease my shy girl nerves.... which it did help. I was busy... and shy so the process took about a few weeks. Things were smooth until... yep, here we go. UNTIL he started talking about graduate school and his high interested in attending. I felt the subject and he changed his tone. I woke up to a text the next morning when he said he'll stop pursuing me since he is moving before the end of this year. I was supportive and took the high road and told him he's making the best decision for himself. Of course I was not enthralled. He kept saying he felt guilty, and I'm not sure why exactly he said this but I remained positive to his goals. Well. I withdrew and didn't talk to him much,. this proceeded about 3 weeks. -- Keep in mind we still haven't met in person yet. --- But, low and behold.... I messaged him via text and we just started chit-chatting again and asking all sorts of get-to-know-you questions. High interest from both we flirted heavily and since i was obviously still interested, I sent some fun photos of me (nothing too unsafe). he really enjoyed them and it exploded from there. But I had "come to terms" we would not have a committed relationship. he kept saying he felt guilty or was confused about the situation. I was confused too but since i ruled him out as a boyfriend, i sort of brushed it off. he kept wanting to meet up to play games and such and i was busy. as well as nervous (shy). i decided i wouldn't be that nervous to go to his house on a Saturday mid-day to chat and see his collections and musical equipment, et al. We had fun. flirted. he stared and i left. We only kissed a little. Not sure what it was but when i left around 4-5pm I ventured out with my friend and i just could nto stop thinking of him..... and we texted through the evening and nite. I asked could I see him the next day around the same time. he said sure. I went that Sunday...and we, well, had very intimate times. I'm not even that kind of girl and i believe he isnt that kind of guy. .... really. he expressed several times hes never done that. and i certainly believe him because I've NEVER done that. Never had sex so early while also Ive always ha to have exclusivity to have sex in a relationship. And it's not because im too good for a fling, my mind was always wingant to be in a safe please you see. I didnt want to get hurt. I was busy the willing monday and we were chatty that morning and his message to me which again i thought was odd, he asked did i feel guilty over it.... Basically I said no, i had a wonderful time. and he went on to compliment me. (but i felt it very odd with his guilty comment again..) Fast-forward to the end of that day.... I texted him and asked how he was he said great but bad news. that he had talked to a girl and he was planning to meet her when he goes up there.... he didn't give too many details about her otherwise. And i didnt reply for a bit since I had "assumed" i'd have a bit more time before he actually found someone. Well. He kept going and apologizing saying he was sorry, is unlike him......so what i said was.........i understand. you gotta look out for you and if you're wanting a relationship nothing should stop you from having what you want. then i just went into how i loved my time with him... how it was amazing. it put me in another dimension.... And i was pretty sincere guys. i stunned myself actually, but a tiny bit of me was totally thrown off. still is. but today i feel even less worried about i and didnt message him yet (not sure i will since I read the NC thread on here)...... and i im not sure what i want with him. i really want to ..... be intimate again and one day be with him, i guess. certainly do not want to date him now. what do i do? im so outside of myself .... Never felt this way before. Where i'd just be okay with just having intercourse. Wow, cant believe that but its really how i feel.... In short, hes moving, theres nothing i can do about it. I'm hoping for his sake he wont settle for a girl just because she lives near him.... which i do secretly hope its a bust when he gets there i.e. they dont work out. But i actually wouldn't want for him to get heartbroken either. i asked could we still be friends, he said yes totally. Oh im sure I can hear some subtle laughter from someone.... Because even I'm not so sure it'd work as "just friends". Wouldnt stop me from trying, however... what will work best for me, the no contact? or to tell him how i feel? or some combination....
Author 740Park Posted September 9, 2015 Author Posted September 9, 2015 I'm weak.... I texted him. Just asked how he was doing and he did reply but not much, not sure if he's busy or..... Just lackadaisical feeling about replying to me...
empresario Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Hey, do what you want to. If you want to be FWB with him then go for it. Take the power in the relationship. But do so knowing he only wants something short-term. If you're both on the same page with similar expectations then who cares? The whole 'girl there' thing seems shoddy anyways. From everything you've described he has little to no backbone. He has a problem being direct and has to apologize profusely. That always is a warning sign of something.
RecentChange Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Hum.... Well, here is my take. FWB scenarios can be great.... Some of the bay sex I have ever had was thanks to a "sex only" relationship. I don't know if I speak for most people - but in my experience these work BEST if neither desires a "real" relationship and both parties can, and do set any "feelings" aside. From what you described, it doesn't sound like you are wired this way. These needs to be a separation of church and state if you will - only it's sex and emotions. When I met my long term guy - he was in the process of starting a new job 500 miles away (and I was finishing college in 6 months). We clicked in a way that couldn't be ignored - and I followed him to the new town after I graduated. But 30s are a lot different than 20s - and if he is already looking for someone else, doesn't sound like this is one to follow. Sorry, but I think breaking this off sounds the best for all involved
mystikmind2005 Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Hum.... Well, here is my take. FWB scenarios can be great.... Some of the bay sex I have ever had was thanks to a "sex only" relationship. I don't know if I speak for most people - but in my experience these work BEST if neither desires a "real" relationship and both parties can, and do set any "feelings" aside. From what you described, it doesn't sound like you are wired this way. These needs to be a separation of church and state if you will - only it's sex and emotions. When I met my long term guy - he was in the process of starting a new job 500 miles away (and I was finishing college in 6 months). We clicked in a way that couldn't be ignored - and I followed him to the new town after I graduated. But 30s are a lot different than 20s - and if he is already looking for someone else, doesn't sound like this is one to follow. Sorry, but I think breaking this off sounds the best for all involved Seems like there is nothing to break off? It is what it is - two people heading in different directions who get to enjoy each others company for a time, and then say goodbye.
PogoStick Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 If you can control your feelings then you should enjoy the few months of fun together. The problem is, sounds like you'll get very attached and then you'll be hurt when he leaves. If you can't handle that then follow the no contact route ASAP.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 I really don't think it would be wise to try to be FWB, because you're already getting deeper feelings for him. You will very likely get hurt. In my experience, FWB only really works when both people are truly just looking for sex and have no underlying desire to be together. I don't think that's the case for you. You know he's already talking to someone else, and that he's leaving soon. It appears that's already taken his focus. I would go back to No Contact. 1
Author 740Park Posted September 9, 2015 Author Posted September 9, 2015 Hello everyone- Definitely appreciate the replies.. I was up late last night and felt a clear head to say "sure i'll not message him again" Low and behold, I caved about 20 mins ago. Heh. We've had a decent chat but I'm going to start pulling away, to see what happens. I will reduce my current expectations to nothing. If i dont like the outcome or he doesn't completely "wow" me, then I'll know to shut down contact. Last weekend, before i left i said "see you next weekend?" i know he's going to visit his family. Now maybe the girl hes spoke to in the area--not sure--haven't asked/dont care. So, then I'll have more of my own resolve when the weekend comes. If he completely pulls a rabbit out of the hat and its great; We'll talk. If he doesnt then I've always reduced my expectations to nada and will not be focusing on him anymore. I've definiely taken into account that his apologizing and other ways are off. Cant figure that out and not going to strain myself over it.... Since all the information I've introspected on, he isnt someone I'd want to commit to anyway.
Lois_Griffin Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 I'm weak.... I texted him. Just asked how he was doing and he did reply but not much, not sure if he's busy or..... Just lackadaisical feeling about replying to me... Stop humiliating yourself. Please. Just stop. First, I'm going to say that the guy has been honest with you from the start. So I give him credit for that. He told you outright he was going to further his education and would be moving to go to college, so you knew that going in. Then, you did something WAY out of character and had sex with the guy way before you'd normally do that. Well, crap happens. But I think it was pretty offensive of this guy to text you within 48 hours of that telling you all about how he'd contacted a woman and he was planning on getting together with her as soon as he moved to start college. That was just tacky and very disrespectful to shove in your face. Sorry, but it was. Only a classless IDIOT would do that. He's making it painfully clear to you that having had sex with him didn't CHANGE anything and he has no intention of going any farther with you on a long-distance level or any other kind of level. You've been dismissed. After that level of disrespect he showed you, why on God's green earth would you disrespect yourself and keep chasing him? He can see your desperation. Trust me, he can. And it's not attractive to him. 2
d0nnivain Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 You need to take some control of your own life which involves self discipline. You hide behind devices & Skype. You won't meet him in a public place but the 1st time you meet in person you agree to go to his house? Bad move. It turned out OK but just as a safety tip ALWAYS meet anybody from OLD in public the 1st several times They are strangers. Didn't your parents teach you about stranger danger? You already knew he was planning to go away to school yet the 2nd meeting was again at his house & gee you were intimate. You go from self professed shy to having sex in 2 dates? Where is your own self control? Hey, I'm not judging you for the sex. I am suggesting you are lying to yourself about what you want. Take ownership of your own behavior. If you were a willing participant in this, recognize that. This guy has already foreshadowed for you that you are a fling for him. It was fun sex but he's off to the new girl at grad school. You do not mean as much to him as he seems to mean to you. The sooner you wrap your head around this the sooner you can stop calling him because for him it's just sex. If you are OK with that -- and I don't think you are -- fine. But falling in love with him is a bad plan because it's not reciprocated.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 740, before I even read Lois's blunt summation, I was going to post and question you on whether this hasn't really been about HIM - the individual, but rather, instead, about YOU... and how you made very normal use of the internet, and of human psychology, to sort of will yourself past the barriers and inhibitions you might have, to where you really COULD encounter someone, and, despite your shyness, 'INVEST ENOUGH in one another' (over those weeks online) to feel (more) OK with yourself (than you ever anticipated) regarding your decision to share sexual intimacy with him. (pause - run-on sentence there) Every bit of THAT is very NORMAL for humanity as we've known it over the past couple of decades, and perhaps you have given yourself new understanding about what it takes to nudge yourself past your initial hesitation and toward a point of seeming 'comfort' while investing yourself in a guy. How about you find the positive in this and let it inspire your near future rather than trying to analyze it unTIL you come up with a summation that will let you see yourself in a negative light for having had the experience? This was not some drunken whim decided on a random night out and with a lot of shoving/coercion by some guy - this was you.... sort of "experiencing yourSELF" along the way, toward what you did share with this guy... and maybe you are supposed to have gained very helpful new understanding from it. It wouldn't be wrong to know a similar experience again... and the *shared emotional investment* (over TIME) is what makes it feel so great! Just be yourself, and maybe use this or similar avenues toward letting others know just who she IS. 1
travelbug1996 Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 yea there's no challenge left for him and men love a challenge. No more fun for him. i would be so afraid to go to a guys house i met online. Please be careful with that. He probably thinks you do that with all the guys you meet online even though you probably don't.
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