Polyamory....

[poly0329]

I'm new to this whole polyamory thing. I (female) am in a relationship with my fiance (male), who has been in a relationship with another man for almost 5 years. I did not actually find out that this other man was his "man" until after we were together for almost a year and a half.

 

My fiance has always had feelings of wanting to be with men while with a woman, and with women while he's been with this man (this is the only man he's been with). A friend of mine told me about polyamory, and the more we "researched" the lifestyle, the more my fiance really felt this was what he was, not that he's a fan of labels.

 

I was a little apprehensive about it, but having both of us in his life, and me finally knowing what was really going on made him feel so much better.

 

Lately though, since the other man has been at boot camp, my fiance has been nothing but miserable. He now says he is second guessing everything in his life. He has some health issues going on that no one can seem to diagnose, our work (we work together) has been horrible the past few months, to the point where both of us love what we do, but dread going to work anymore. Because of his health, he doesn't even know if he wants to get married anymore because he can hardly take care of himself, let alone me or our child. But I know he still wants that "life" that "family" that he just isn't going to get from just being with that other man. Not the kind of family he wants.

 

He also has a history or depression in his family, so I know that isn't helping either. I really just don't know what to do anymore. Nothing I say or do seems to help.... and I'm not the type of person to just sit and wait for answers. We have a big appointment next week, and I'm really hoping that they can find something (fixable!) wrong with him. Then it will feel like there is a light at the end of this health hell tunnel.... :-/

[jen1447]

Good luck. I'm polyamorous myself, so if you have any questions, fire away.

[poly0329]

omg.. I have so many...

 

is this normal? I mean, he's been with him for 5 years... I know I shouldn't compare... but its hard... its like he's pushing me away

 

is jealousy normal? we talk about soooo much now, maybe too much... but this isn't the type of relationship I ever saw myself in, but I'm also the type of person that will never say never until I've tried it... and I'm still trying to adjust

 

we talked about how the whole relationship would work (me and him living together, the other man would still be around, and he wants his only family too, with a female...), we were all ok with it... now my fiance doesn't know... I just feel so lost lately and have no one to turn to, because no one else knows this about my fiance except for me and the other man (obviously...)

[Gloria25]

I think "polyamorous" is the latest term (like "swingers") where people wanna put lipstick on a pig.

 

In other words, they wanna sleep around and think as long as they put a cute term on it, it's all kosher.

 

I wouldn't marry someone that wants to be able to be with other people...but that's just me.

 

I think it's gross and selfish...

 

And, IMO, the people who engage in this type of behavior have serious issues - and from what you posted about your fiance - he sure has them, IMO.

 

Look, maybe he's just getting with you to appease society and hasn't come to terms with his homosexuality. Again, I wouldn't be on board for that. I don't wanna be some guy's "3rd wheel" when deep down inside he wants to be with another man and/or woman.

 

Maybe that's why he's depressed and stuff - cuz he's conflicted between embracing his homosexuality (perhaps cuz of pressure from family, society, etc.)

 

There's people who are satisfied with 'ONE' person in their lives. It's up to you if you wanna play this "poly" game or see it for what it really is.

[autumnnight]

It bothers me that he kept this from you for a year...just enough time for you to get really attached. And you said this arrangement makes HIM feel so much better. How do YOU feel?

[poly0329]

I don't know how I feel about it all honestly. I know that in the time since we laid out these "rules and boundaries" if that's what you want to call them, he's seemed like a weight was lifted off his shoulders. It makes me feel better because he is honest with me, about hanging out with him, talking to him, etc.

 

I should say the only reason I even found out about all this was that I was sent a transcript of a conversation the two had had years before, which made me question him, and thats when he told me. I know I know, if I would've never been sent that, he probably wouldn't have told me... but it was sent, and we talked about it....

[Gloria25]

I don't know how I feel about it all honestly. I know that in the time since we laid out these "rules and boundaries" if that's what you want to call them, he's seemed like a weight was lifted off his shoulders. It makes me feel better because he is honest with me, about hanging out with him, talking to him, etc.

 

I'm sure a weight has been lifted off his shoulders...I mean, if he can get someone to agree to be "home base" while he sleeps around - I'm sure that type of arrangement would make anyone happy...

 

And, IMO, that's why some swinger situations work. Not cuz of "trust", "love" or whatever cutesy term they wanna apply to it...Cuz, one or both parties are getting food on the side and able to come home and still open the refrig and get an additional feeding. Who wouldn't stay with someone who would allow them to play? (well, not me, not my thing).

 

I should say the only reason I even found out about all this was that I was sent a transcript of a conversation the two had had years before, which made me question him, and thats when he told me. I know I know, if I would've never been sent that, he probably wouldn't have told me... but it was sent, and we talked about it....

Well, there you go. You're starting out a RL already with lies. And this isn't a simple "I found out he likes Pepsi vs Coke", this is him lying about being involved with someone else for five years and still holding a candle for him.

 

If I were you, I'd call off the engagement - cuz a marriage cannot be based on lies - especially one this big. I mean, an engagement - even the first few years of a marriage the couple is supposed to be so ga-ga over each other that they can't keep their hands off each other, loving each other - etc. (aka the "honeymoon" period). If he's engaged to you and is distressed over some guy cuz the guy went to boot camp - at a time where his focus us only to be on his soon-to-be wife, then there's serious issues here.

 

Again, it's up to you (see my responses above in bold ^^). Trust me, some people will go ahead and get married and still hold a torch for others while they get preggo with you and all that. But, YOU run the risk of one day, him deciding he prefers to stop denying what he really wants (the other guy) and then you're gonna get divorced and probably have one or more kids who will be hurt by this.

[jen1447]

Polyamory's becoming more common and acceptable, but it's still not really entirely 'out,' so that's generally why ppl struggle with it. Like autumn I'm a little troubled by him misleading you initially, but it's more understandable imo if he's facing cultural issues with it.

 

is this normal? I mean, he's been with him for 5 years... I know I shouldn't compare... but its hard... its like he's pushing me away

 

is jealousy normal? we talk about soooo much now, maybe too much... but this isn't the type of relationship I ever saw myself in, but I'm also the type of person that will never say never until I've tried it... and I'm still trying to adjust

Jealousy's certainly a normal human emotion. I wouldn't say that all poly ppl are automatically free from it either. But if you're having a real struggle with it, you may want to examine whether you're genuinely ok with this lifestyle or maybe doing it to cater to your man. The latter isn't a good reason and is more openminded than polyamorous.

 

we talked about how the whole relationship would work (me and him living together, the other man would still be around, and he wants his only family too, with a female...), we were all ok with it... now my fiance doesn't know... I just feel so lost lately and have no one to turn to, because no one else knows this about my fiance except for me and the other man (obviously...)

My guess is he's feeling anxiety over his other going away. (Are either of you primary/secondary btw? I never cared for that myself but a lot of poly ppl do it.) But if he has doubts about you, maybe he's not really poly either and just has a desire for a conventional domestic situation he can't get w/his BF.

 

I think a long, open talk is in order hon.

[poly0329]

Polyamory's becoming more common and acceptable, but it's still not really entirely 'out,' so that's generally why ppl struggle with it. Like autumn I'm a little troubled by him misleading you initially, but it's more understandable imo if he's facing cultural issues with it.

 

 

Jealousy's certainly a normal human emotion. I wouldn't say that all poly ppl are automatically free from it either. But if you're having a real struggle with it, you may want to examine whether you're genuinely ok with this lifestyle or maybe doing it to cater to your man. The latter isn't a good reason and is more openminded than polyamorous.

 

 

My guess is he's feeling anxiety over his other going away. (Are either of you primary/secondary btw? I never cared for that myself but a lot of poly ppl do it.) But if he has doubts about you, maybe he's not really poly either and just has a desire for a conventional domestic situation he can't get w/his BF.

 

I think a long, open talk is in order hon.

 

Thanks Jen! We were surprised ourselves when we really looked into the whole thing. I know he loves me, and I really do think its the anxiety/ depression over him going away and all his health issues. When you say primary/ secondary, I think thats like how we said that it would be myself and him as the family... when we have kids I said he has to put us first, school events, sports, holidays... the other guy gets whats leftover you could say (which is something all three of us agreed to; this other man knows how much my fiance wants a family as well, and not just the one where you adopt because you want to be with a man, the kind where you have a genetic child with your wife). I've asked him point blank if he's gay, and he said no, I definitely am attracted to you, love you, want to be with you. He just said its hard when he has desires for both of us at the same time, or just one of us over the other.

 

I really am trying to cope with all these feelings.... I want to be happy, I want my fiance to be happy... he said he's never felt more complete than he has the last few months....

[poly0329]

Thanks Jen! We were surprised ourselves when we really looked into the whole thing. I know he loves me, and I really do think its the anxiety/ depression over him going away and all his health issues. When you say primary/ secondary, I think thats like how we said that it would be myself and him as the family... when we have kids I said he has to put us first, school events, sports, holidays... the other guy gets whats leftover you could say (which is something all three of us agreed to; this other man knows how much my fiance wants a family as well, and not just the one where you adopt because you want to be with a man, the kind where you have a genetic child with your wife). I've asked him point blank if he's gay, and he said no, I definitely am attracted to you, love you, want to be with you. He just said its hard when he has desires for both of us at the same time, or just one of us over the other.

 

I really am trying to cope with all these feelings.... I want to be happy, I want my fiance to be happy... he said he's never felt more complete than he has the last few months....

 

I should also say that he was married before, and always had this desire as well, he has since his late teens. He used to talk to people online (pre sexting I guess, lol), and he has never beeen with another man before. He's jerked off in the same room as other guys when he was younger, but this is the first guy he's every fully been with, in a relationship with, etc.

[CarrieT]

I think "polyamorous" is the latest term (like "swingers") where people wanna put lipstick on a pig.

 

In other words, they wanna sleep around and think as long as they put a cute term on it, it's all kosher.

I agree with this.

 

I have several friends who are in Poly relationships and - first and foremost - the tenant of those involved in the lifestyle is up-front honesty all around.

 

OP, you haven't gotten this.

 

Those who try to introduce the concept of Poly after-the-fact is doing a disservice to those who may have already gotten emotionally involved and think they can handle a Poly situation.

 

The other thing with Poly is that it usually involves people who all know each other. If you haven't met your partner's other paramour, than all bets are off.

[Gloria25]

I should also say that he was married before, and always had this desire as well, he has since his late teens. He used to talk to people online (pre sexting I guess, lol), and he has never beeen with another man before. He's jerked off in the same room as other guys when he was younger, but this is the first guy he's every fully been with, in a relationship with, etc.

 

Ok, the fact that he was married before and his marriage didn't survive his "urges" doesn't make you concerned about the marriage you will have with him?

 

But, let's apply the term "polyamorous" to it and all will be ok?

 

Well, great, I just don't see how all these "rules and regulations" are going to be laid out and you trust that he will put you and your kids "first" when his past and current behavior shows that his attachment to a guy IS before the women in his life.

 

I can't tell you what to do, but it were me and I was considering taking on this Poly situation (which I would not), I would not involve kids in it. It can only go bad and the kids will suffer.

 

I mean, it's one thing for your husband/wife to surprise you one day with all their "surpressed" desires to be transgender/sexual and/or homosexuality - after you done had years in marriage and/or kids...but, this guy upfront is already showing signs that he has a certain preference; and, I just don't see how being "poly" is gonna make you happy here.

 

I don't know, but if I felt that the only way I could get married was to settle for a "poly" situation where my husband prefers men over me - I rather stay single...But that's just me.

[Gloria25]

I agree with this.

 

I have several friends who are in Poly relationships and - first and foremost - the tenant of those involved in the lifestyle is up-front honesty all around.

 

OP, you haven't gotten this.

 

Those who try to introduce the concept of Poly after-the-fact is doing a disservice to those who may have already gotten emotionally involved and think they can handle a Poly situation.

 

The other thing with Poly is that it usually involves people who all know each other. If you haven't met your partner's other paramour, than all bets are off.

 

I don't know and while I don't agree with the swinger and/or poly lifestyle, I've heard that the ones that are successful are usually cuz the couple either met in a swinger setting and were already fully into the "lifestyle".

 

In the OP's case, I don't see her and/or her fiance being "poly"...I see it as a desperate attempt to hold on to a guy; and, him allowing to maintain his homosexual lifestyle literally "on the downlow" - while trying to pretend he is something he is not by marrying her (probably to appease family, society, etc.) But, that's just my opinion.

[poly0329]

I have seen interactions where my fiance has tried to end it with the other guy (whom I have met, I've known him since the beginning of mine and my fiances relationship), but the other guy doesn't stay away. He's quite the loner, outcast, his only real friend even is my fiance.

 

And my fiances previous marriage did not fail because of these feelings. His wife had no idea of these feelings. It ended for other reasons. I trust my fiance, I trust him now more than ever. We had moments for awhile where I didn't, but we have become very very very open with each other since all of this has come about.

 

Until the other guy left... then its like he's retreated into this shell...

[autumnnight]

I don't know how I feel about it all honestly. I know that in the time since we laid out these "rules and boundaries" if that's what you want to call them, he's seemed like a weight was lifted off his shoulders. It makes me feel better because he is honest with me, about hanging out with him, talking to him, etc.

 

I should say the only reason I even found out about all this was that I was sent a transcript of a conversation the two had had years before, which made me question him, and thats when he told me. I know I know, if I would've never been sent that, he probably wouldn't have told me... but it was sent, and we talked about it....

 

I would say, really really listen to your own heart and mind and be 100% sure that this is YOU. While I was doing some research for a project, I had the opportunity to read a lot of personal experiences, and all I will say is that it became VERY apparent to me that there are truly polyamorous people, and there are people who use the word polyamory to mean getting as many "pieces" as possible. The latter usually keep it secret, press their partners to be okay with it, and use a lot of guilt and emotional manipulation. Some men use this lifestyle like they do the role of "Dominant" - as a cover for basically being controlling.

 

Be careful and have your eyes completely open.

[poly0329]

the whole idea of even trying polyamory came from me. my fiance wasn't really aware of what it was. but the more we read about it, the more he realized he did fit in somewhere... as opposed to when he felt like he didn't fit in before. again, he doesn't like labels, but its like the pieces were coming together for him.

 

he has definitely never pressured me to do anything I didn't want to, and he is always telling me he knows how much pain this has caused me. but what he never seems to acknowledge is that i'm the on that suggested this whole thing to begin with. why would I suggest something I didn't think I would be ok with? AM I still coming to terms with it? Yes. Do I have good days and bad days? Yes.

 

I really am trying to be careful, and my eyes are definitely wide open. I just wish that he would be more open with me lately. Instead, like I said before, he's just bottling everything up. Am I completley happy? No, not right now. But does that mean I'm unhappy? No. I am tired. Tired of having to keep a positive front about finding a solution to his health problems. TIred of having to do just as much work at work, then coming home to even more because he's in so much physical pain he can't do much around the house. Am I feeling a little neglected? Yes, but not just because of this other man. My fiance has health issues that we are trying to solve ,and no one seems to be able to give us a straight answer. I'm frustrated, tired, exhausted, angry, upset.... but I wouldn't say I'm unhappy.

[autumnnight]

Sorry for the mother henning I just hate when people get hurt.

[Gloria25]

I have seen interactions where my fiance has tried to end it with the other guy (whom I have met, I've known him since the beginning of mine and my fiances relationship), but the other guy doesn't stay away. He's quite the loner, outcast, his only real friend even is my fiance.

 

And my fiances previous marriage did not fail because of these feelings. His wife had no idea of these feelings. It ended for other reasons. I trust my fiance, I trust him now more than ever. We had moments for awhile where I didn't, but we have become very very very open with each other since all of this has come about.

 

Until the other guy left... then its like he's retreated into this shell...

 

I don't know, I don't know how you can "trust" someone who only came clean about his 5 year RL with another person cuz you caught him; and, told him that it's ok if he continues seeing this guy and/or other guys - as long as there's "rules" to it (the poly thing)...In other words, I'm sure he's "open" with you now, cuz you told him he can play w/o consequences (the poly thing). BTW, "open" doesn't equal "honest".

 

IMO, you don't know what happened in their marriage, you only know what your fiance tells/told you and so far he's lied about his 5 year RL with this man. If I were you, I'd look up the ex and find out what her side of the story is.

 

Also, no one is twisting your fiance's arm - the other man is not the problem. A guy can dance naked in front of him and it's up to him to go for it or not. BTW, until you and your fiance die, there are gonna be men and women better, smarter, and hotter than you two...if he can't control himself over this guy - no matter how hard this guy tries, then I don't see himself controlling himself ever to the "temptation" of others.

Edited September 9, 2015 by Gloria25

[poly0329]

Sorry for the mother henning I just hate when people get hurt.

 

oh no, that's what I came here for. I don't want to get hurt. I know that seems like a silly statement, but I just need to know if I should wait things out, or get out now. I feel like this "mood" is all just situational right now.

 

And I have spoken to his ex wife, and I got the same story. I may sound crazy from time to time, but I definitely make sure I know all the facts that I can. He was ok with me talking to her, because I have nothing to hide from him. Never have, never will.

[Gloria25]

Also,

 

Also, his ex-wife not knowing about his desire to be with men doesn't mean the marriage ended for another reason. For all you know, he turned frigid in the bedroom cuz at the end of the day, women didn't turn him on and his ex-wife got mad and bailed.

[Gloria25]

oh no, that's what I came here for. I don't want to get hurt. I know that seems like a silly statement, but I just need to know if I should wait things out, or get out now. I feel like this "mood" is all just situational right now.

 

And I have spoken to his ex wife, and I got the same story. I may sound crazy from time to time, but I definitely make sure I know all the facts that I can. He was ok with me talking to her, because I have nothing to hide from him. Never have, never will.

 

I'm sure a trained counselor/therapist would have known what questions to ask her to get to the bottom as to what was going on in their marriage and "connect the dots"

[jen1447]

oh no, that's what I came here for. I don't want to get hurt. I know that seems like a silly statement, but I just need to know if I should wait things out, or get out now. I feel like this "mood" is all just situational right now.

 

And I have spoken to his ex wife, and I got the same story. I may sound crazy from time to time, but I definitely make sure I know all the facts that I can. He was ok with me talking to her, because I have nothing to hide from him. Never have, never will.

 

You actually sound like you've got your head reasonably together, if that's any comfort. ppl get confused about life all the time, and believe me none moreso than poly ppl. (More moving parts than most lol.)

 

What kinda health issues is your guy dealing with? That could certainly contribute to emotional distress and uncertainty as well.

[mystikmind2005]

Well, think about the reasons why marriage is only between two people?

 

(Although i guess it is inevitable that society will one day drop that tradition as well)

[m.snow]

just be careful about diseases though. specially from sexual with men who are in men to men relationships.

 

a lot of my young friends ended that way. they had a lot ahead of them. sad really.

 

poly is alright with me, but there has to be still boundaries.

Edited September 9, 2015 by m.snow

[poly0329]

You actually sound like you've got your head reasonably together, if that's any comfort. ppl get confused about life all the time, and believe me none moreso than poly ppl. (More moving parts than most lol.)

 

What kinda health issues is your guy dealing with? That could certainly contribute to emotional distress and uncertainty as well.

 

type 2 diabetes is what we know... the rest we have no clue, he has shoulder issues, and pain just radiates throughout his body... there are times where it hurts for me to touch him, hug him, which is hard, because all I want to do is cuddle him to make him feel better, but it doesn't. the few times I do it anyways, I can just feel his body pulsing, and twitching, and like stuff is jsut going on in there all the time. We don't know what's causing this, no dr seems to be able to help, and he's on so many pills he hates it, especially since they aren't even helping. The stress... its all just causing the diabetes to be worse.

 

Its just frustrating for both me and him, and I try not to show it, because I know that doesn'thelp, but at the same time I feel like my seeming "unhappy" to him is just a reflection of himself through me, because I'm just so tired of trying, but I refuse to give up...