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after 3 weeks of being ignored my ex & I had a "closure conversation"


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Posted

My ex boyfriend dumped me...I think he had been losing feelings for a while but was torn about leaving...he finally mustered up the courage and or anger to do so the night before his birthday. He kept saying I didn't listen...he ignored me harshly and coldly for three weeks straight following that day...nothing like this had happened before throughout our 7 month relationship. The relationship went bad because he cheated very early on and I found out, I lost all trust in him but he begged me to stay, to this point I do believe he has been faithful since then but it made me treat him differently.We had problems & in the last 2 months or so we were constantly in the verge of breaking up then we'd miss each other within a day or two. After the 3 weeks and a mutual friend convincing him to talk to me we had a talk...he was cold and indifferent...at points I could tell it was a little feigned but overall I don't think he was far from indifference (he seems to be emotionally drained & exhausted so he isnt feeling anything which is close enough to indifference) and he is taking the steps to get there and I've been helping him by being in constant unwanted contact. During this closure talk I asked him all the questions Dumpees ask and I got my answers...he finally said that he did not love me...he had never said that it before. ..he alluded to it toward the end once but maintained he still did, but during his conversation he said he had no feelings towards me, 0 percent chance of us ever being together again...he said these things because I asked...they sounded rehearsed, he knew they were coming cause I had been asking him through text message the entire 3 weeks he ignored me. I broke down...I plead for a friendship & he said no to all of it...he said I never forgave him for cheating and I don't listen to him so he no longer wants to speak to me. I tried to reason with him...explaining how when he had hurt me by cheating I wanted to leave and he begged me to stay and I did so why is he leaving over something we both agree is less hurtful, he didn't have many answers & obvious I couldn't logic him into wanting me. He told me he would block me after we spoke and that I couldn't message him anymore after. He had made him mind up. I asked him if he missed me at all & he said I have been messaging him the entire time so I never gave him a chance to. I asked why he never blocked me and kept reading my messages over the 3 weeks he had no answer. When I asked him for a friendship he declined saying he would either lose himself or he has to lose me...he felt like he had no choice other than to stop speaking to me he made it sound like he HAD to like it was out of his control or like if he didn't it would me detrimental to him. The most amazing part is how he is playing the victim...we both did some things wrong but if anyone is the bad guy it would be him & he knows it...yet I could tell he has convinced himself I am the bad guy...idk if that's his method of evading guilt...but it would appear he has convinced his friends and family that I'm no good but to be fair I've done the same thing with my friends and family...he said his life hasn't been any worse since I've been out of it...it was hard hearing these things but for me it was necessary...cause being jilted so suddenly left me in a situation where I kept contacting him from a place of denial. Some statements stuck out me...at one point he said " if you just forgave me this could work" then he quickly caught himself and said "but that's impossible you will never forgive me for real just pretend to, so we can never be together, anytime I think like that I just tell myself I'm fooling myself cause the last chance I gave it went bad within a week." I feel I got a raw deal by staying with him because I think it was obvious I would be a little insecure since he cheated...I know I could've tried harder to forgive him but I don't think the result matched the problem. I think it's a cop out...I'm sad and I've been crying for weeks...but I know he is serious because we have never been apart this long & he doesn't care at all and if he does he is hiding it and the things he said during that convo mean without a doubt he doesn't want me back or he wouldn't have said them. He didn't even try to string me along like some exes do when they are conflicted... He didn't leave me any hope or a door open for sex (as some men do) apart from one or two tiny slip ups he was sure and adamant that he felt nothing towards me anymore and that he never would again. & he accidentally mentioned family influence to get out of the relationship. He hasn't been nice to me in about a month...not even a small moment of kindness, he has villainized me as the ex girlfriend who never listened & never forgave him & hurt him by reacting to the hurt he caused me.

 

After the conversation he didn't block me like he said he would've & said he didn't see why should have to block me after this conversation, a few days before we finally spoke I tried calling him a few times, he blocked me & then a few moments later I noticed he had unblocked me, during the phone call I asked why he unblocked & he said "idk". this final closure talk was supposed to take place in person but I changed it to a phone call cause he was acting like a victim and acting as if seeing me was such a big thing on his behalf when I eventually said we can just talk on the phone he fought it a little it was funny cause I could tell he actually wanted us to have it in person, I know it didn't mean much but I could tell he was surprised I made that call and probably thought I was dying to see him which was why he acting like he was doing so much for me by seeing me to talk & I did feel a little powerful being the one to put my foot down on not seeing him (which turned out to be a great decision, cause I'm sure seeing him after a month would've made it worse & it helped me realize I really don't want or need to see him at all) after the convo I said thanks and deleted him (not blocked) the last I checked he didn't delete or block me & im now in NC so I won't know when or if he does...I feel a weight has been lifted...the weight of false hope... I was finally able to stop messaging him. I know he doesn't care anymore and though it's painful it's what I needed...I wish I held my dignity but this breakup I definitely lost but I know it won't break me.

 

 

The only thing that bothers me is that after this cold convo where he basically said he wanted nothing to do with me, he messaged my mother saying him & i spoke & he doesnt think i have any more questions but let him know "where I am at" in confidence & that he really didn't want me to feel like he abandoned me though. she just responded "ok" & that i had no more questions & that it was ok

 

 

 

I wish I never saw it...but it was right there...it made me think a lot cause I thought it was so fake...it was the opposite of how he was treating me and how he spoke on the phone...started over analyzing it & wondering if he just wanted to impress her for personal gain as she has a lot of connections she helped him with jobs while we were together...but surely he knows I would tell her how it went so that didn't make much sense...then I wondered if they were in cahoots in a mission to help me get over him and maybe spoke about stuff like that behind my back..being intentionally cold so I get the point...but him feeling comfortable enough to show remorse/guilt to her but not to me for fear i'd get the wrong impression ( knowing their relationship it is very possible)...maybe he knew I'd read it ? Basically a bunch of unhealthy thinking came from me seeing his message...it still bothers me cause if I never saw it I would never believe he said anything outside of the cold front he showed me...just trying to convince my self it meant nothing. & I can continue of my journey..

 

 

I know this is long but I really am just looking got support someone to talk to about these things...any stories of exes who acted similar and how it ended up etc

 

 

As of right now after letting all the harsh words sink in if he tried to be my friend I believe I would ignore it but I also firmly believe that he will never contact me anyway.

 

any thoughts?

Posted

So, he cheats on you, then uses your reaction as justification for leaving you. Nevermind the fact that he is clearly an ass, or that he is untrustworthy, or that he emotionally manipulated you. If nothing else, his actions prove that he doesn't truly care.

 

I'm sorry you were hurt, but better to get out with only seven-months lost.

 

P.S. -- Use shorter paragraphs in the future. A long post is okay if it is digestible. You'll likely get more replies.

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