vanillacupcakes Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years. Over the last fewmonths, his negativity/constant complaints/pessimistic viewpoints have beenweighing me down immensely and I find it difficult to be happy and upbeat whenI’m around him. For the first time this weekend, he noticed I seemed “down” (hemay have noticed before but this was the first time he’s really consulted withme about it – Other than asking the simple “what’s wrong?”) He asked me why Iseem unhappy most of the time. I tried to explain to him, in the nicest waypossible, that being around someone who is constantly negative, pessimistic,angry, easily irritated and judgmental makes it difficult for me to remain inhigh spirits. Examples: If we go out somewhere and it’s really packed, he will actlike a borderline mad man and use derogatory names for the people around him / hegets extreme road rage / makes racist comments frequently.. in public / speaksnegatively about almost any topic & sees the worst in almost everysituation. When I explained how I felt, he quickly told me not to blame him forthe fact that I am on anti-depressants. He says that he’s not to blame for mydepression problems. I am on anti-depressants and have been for a while, butthey are mild and I am not depressed and haven’t been in a long time. If hecould see how I am around other people, he would realize that I am “happy” and “upbeat”and that my anti-depressants aren’t the “issue” here. Do I have the right to beoffended and hurt that he would take a sensitive matter like this and throw itin my face? Not just because he wouldn’t accept responsibility, but the factthat this came off as such a low blow.. What are your thoughts?
preraph Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 Sounds like the dating phase where everyone is on best behavior is over and now you're seeing the real guy. It's a terrible thing that he is putting this back on you. I really think you're just now seeing what he's like once he's done impressing you so he can be with you. My honest opinion is that he will only get worse with age. He has anger problems. He doesn't think he has a problem or I'd tell you to insist he goes to anger management. Rage issues are a real problem, and they can be dangerous. My dad used to blow hard like that. I remember him having a tantrum in a nice steakhouse because he failed to make a reservation and thought that since he often came there for business lunches, they ought to have more respect. Basically, he was humiliated and it came out as rage and was ugly. Some people contain their rage around some people and not others. They are usually but not always able to contain it IF they want to. But rage is often a problem associated with fear and anger from childhood and is a real issue. It can be hard to always control it, even impossible, without understanding where it's coming from. My dad exploded a couple of times and got physical. Without help, it won't just go away. With age and infirmity and often loss of memory, he will only become more rageful. Anger management can really help someone understand it and control it. But they have to accept they have a problem. Doesn't sound like your guy has any respect for mental illness, so he's probably a lost cause in that regard. 1
autumnnight Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 Simply put? He sounds like a passive aggressive bully. 1
Tobin Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 He sounds like he might be depressed himself, on the other hand for you to say that you're always down because of HIS attitude is a bit presumptive and even if correct, needs some looking into. Other people do not define who you are. If he has such a profound effect on you to the extent that he is bringing you down on a daily basis, you need to extricate yourself from the situation immediately and find someone who is healthier to be around. But again, it's not normal for another person to affect you to such a degree. Could be that since you're already depressed - the moods simply cover it up- that his pessimism and lack of caring is enough to push you further "over the edge", but again that's just another reason to find someone more positive. You're on meds for depression, yet you deny you're depressed which is a contradiction in itself. It's like saying a person who is medicated for diabetes doesn't have diabetes because they do not show any symptoms. If you're not in therapy- realize the underlying issues that caused the depression are not just going to disappear, they need to be addressed. Meds are just a crutch, they're not a permanent fix. 1
Maggie4 Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 Don't you think the way he reacted to your criticism is actually pretty consistent with the way he has been behaving? Negativity, blaming everyone else? So he just illustrated the point you were making.
Satu Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 You'd be better off someone more intelligent. He seems a dimwit. Sorry to be blunt. 1
autumnnight Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 He sounds like he might be depressed himself, on the other hand for you to say that you're always down because of HIS attitude is a bit presumptive and even if correct, needs some looking into. Other people do not define who you are. If he has such a profound effect on you to the extent that he is bringing you down on a daily basis, you need to extricate yourself from the situation immediately and find someone who is healthier to be around. But again, it's not normal for another person to affect you to such a degree. Could be that since you're already depressed - the moods simply cover it up- that his pessimism and lack of caring is enough to push you further "over the edge", but again that's just another reason to find someone more positive. You're on meds for depression, yet you deny you're depressed which is a contradiction in itself. It's like saying a person who is medicated for diabetes doesn't have diabetes because they do not show any symptoms. If you're not in therapy- realize the underlying issues that caused the depression are not just going to disappear, they need to be addressed. Meds are just a crutch, they're not a permanent fix. If you have never spent YEARS with someone who is always waiting for and predicting the shoe of doom to drop, it is impossible to understand how draining it is. Even Pollyanna would want to poke herself in the eye with a fork, trust me. And regarding other people's meds, only the psychiatrist should be making those pronouncements.
jen1447 Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 Do I have the right to beoffended and hurt that he would take a sensitive matter like this and throw itin my face? Not only do you have the right, you're justified in thinking so.
empresario Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 This is the cheap guy? Sounds like he has severe emotional issues and a lack of empathy. Of course, we already established that in another thread. What, if I may ask, are you getting from this relationship? You sound utterly miserable with it. Is that just because you come on here to blow off steam and it's really not that dire? What stops you from ending it?
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