hohum Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 Hi all - I am hoping you might give your advice as I am quite confused. The short story is - I moved out of my city to be with the love of my life who initiated everything rather fast and furious in regards to "future talk" and made me understand that he was in this for good - used to discuss marriage all the time - let me know I would always have him. Just after I moved in and started to get settled he got a job commuting into my old city and things started to get less lovey dovey. I figured this was at the 2 year/initial hormones lifting mark and wondered if it were normal. We would talk about it - he always said he still loved me and felt no different. Little by little his actions would change but he kept saying the same thing. I was less and less happy - going nuts in my head and such trying to just feel secure when something wasn't right. Finally about 6 months(ish) ago he started admitting something was different but assured he still loved me and wanted to figure it out. We discussed whether a break would help but I had no clue how to do that when you live with each other. Finally about 3 weeks ago now - we had another talk where his recommendation for a "break" included me starting anew in my old city. New job, new home, etc. He still wanted to know me and blah blah (I thought as friends). I quickly learn he means he had ideas/hopes of us still trying to make this work - just not living together anymore. HUH? We were still in the same house for another 2 weeks - and things were just odd - I knew we weren't together - but a lot of things were too...sweet - it was confusing. So here I am in my new city staying with a friend and trying to start my life over. I initiated the "we should probably not try and connect for a while" thing - though that didn't seem to be what he had initially wanted (I felt it was more out of guilt to check on me than wanting to BE with me). I am driving myself bananas over here because I am dying to stay connected - but not if he is only doing it out of guilt. I think he is keeping his distance because I told him do while part of me also knows - if he were truly feeling what I always wanted him to (what he did in the beginning) he would reach out. Ultimately - I have a feeling what we are doing is best and that I likely won't want to be with him after all is said and done (we know the end game doesn't work!) but in the meantime - I still have most of my stuff in his house....so we WILL have to be contact soon. At whatever point that ends up happening I am likely back to square one with my feelings - so maybe I should just open up the contact as I get settled and get my stuff out of there. That way I will KNOW what he is thinking on his end - and not be hoping for some reconciliation that just isn't even happening. Once my stuff is out of there I feel like I could not have some later contact to deal with but until then - I am just gonna get all out of whack again when that happens. We had a wedding to go to in 2 weeks as well which he felt we should still attend together and I wasn't so sure. I left that up in the air - I do owe him some news in that regard. I saw him just 3 days into our "no contact" for him to bring me some items I needed - and I swear it tossed me back a week or two already. Please let me know where to go from here. Thank you!
Author hohum Posted September 9, 2015 Author Posted September 9, 2015 That this "break" came just a few months shy of 4 years together. Hope someone has a perspective please. Thank you!
bluefeather Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 ok, if I am understanding this correctly, he had you move into his place, and then he asked you to move out? that's kind of messed up... but ok he obviously didn't like the situation. seems to me like he wants to end the relationship, and this "break" is just a slow process of it to ease your feelings and/or his guilt.
Author hohum Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 Yes - you are correct - and it really sucks. Especially because he continuously attempted to reassure me that nothing was wrong all this time though obviously something was. Your feelings are similar to mine. I just don't understand why he thought we should have some sort of chance in the future if he wanted me to move out as our "break". How do I navigate no contact when I still have to get the rest of my things from his home - and I am still trying to get started again in my city?
dumbass2 Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 Do you really, truly need the "stuff" or is it away to try and stay in contact? Material items can be replaced. It sounds like he really does not want a further relationship with you. People lie about feelings all the time. It is more common than uncommon. His actions say that he does not want a relationship with you and sees no future with you. Actions speak louder than words. I hope you decide to go NC and don't worry about your "stuff" 1
Author hohum Posted September 10, 2015 Author Posted September 10, 2015 I know this is ending - and do not feel much hope for it. I lived with him for 2 1/2 years so my "stuff" is all my belongings!! I only brought with me what I would need for a month or two getting started in the city. yes - I definitely need to get all my stuff out of his place - but could not do that until I have a new place. I don't have enough money to buy dinner as I begin again - let alone repurchase all of my belongings.
clam Posted September 10, 2015 Posted September 10, 2015 Bring a trusted friend to help, and ask him not to be there when you come for your stuff (I presume he knows you will not ransack his place or take things that belong to him). Just be honest... tell him it's difficult for you to be around him right now, and so you would like it if he disappears for a few hours while you collect your things. Bring the friend for moral support in case he shows back up. Or ask him to pack up all your things and then you send a moving company to pick it up.
Author hohum Posted September 11, 2015 Author Posted September 11, 2015 I may have to do that --- I still feel like we are supposed to have some talk though. Like - he really implied wanting to continue somehow - but I can't understand if he is still thinking that or what. oye. I really appreciate your opinions - thank you all. 1
EO422 Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 Get out and stay out!!! Tel him to ship you your stuff. And go NC...my girlfriend Sao the same EXACT crap...and what happened to her? NOTHING, I thought we were going to reconcile and get a chance..but one day she just stopped answering me. Blocked me. Have not heard from her since. It's been about 3 weeks now...I'm not going to hear from her. She is happy... So my advice to you is FUDGE THATS..get out. Go hardcore NC..don't answer his texts etc...tell him to ship you your stuff and leave it at that. Give him the new address to ship it to...then don't talk to him or text him...MOVE ON...and if down the road in a few months he comes back and does all the calling and blah blah blah about it was a huge mistake and how he never wants to do it again..then figure out why this happened and you will have to work on everything and see if it is right for you to go back... As for me , I dont expect my ex to contact me..she won't and I know this for sure... All I can say to you is just move on..I know everyone else is saying it. But is the truth..my story is almost identical...let go of all hope...
PegNosePete Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 (edited) How do I navigate no contact when I still have to get the rest of my things from his home - and I am still trying to get started again in my city? If your things are not valuable or sentimental then you write them off. If you need to get them back then you do it as quickly, efficiently and business-like as possible. You tell him to have your things in a box ready for you to collect, and you ask him which evening this week he is free for you to pick them up. Then you collect the box. You do not go in for a chat or a cup of tea or a look around. Hand the box over the doorstep and be on your way. As for getting started in the new city, well you do it without him. The same way any other single person gets started in a new city. Make some friends, go some places, etc. The world is your oyster. he really implied wanting to continue somehow - but I can't understand if he is still thinking that or what. He is keeping you on the back burner so that if he changes his mind he can get you back with no effort. Don't be anyone's 2nd choice. You deserve better than that. If you let him treat you like carp then he will do it again and again and again. Edited September 11, 2015 by PegNosePete 1
dumbass2 Posted September 11, 2015 Posted September 11, 2015 Just be upfront with him. Let him know this is difficult for you. If you absolutely need to go get your stuff, then tell him you need to set a day and time within the next week to go get those items. You don't need to tell him, but take someone you know with you. You do not, at this time, want to talk about anything. You're not in the emotional state to have that kind of talk. If you go there by yourself, it will be very difficult for you and lead to a lot of confusion. Tell him also, that it is best that you do not go to the wedding. Get these things done asap. Don't let this stuff drag out.
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