Oregon_Dude Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 Hey all. I thought it might help if we dispelled our greatest fears of what our ex is doing. This is an exercise in receiving our own closure. The point is not to obsess over the ex and wonder what they are doing, but to envision the scenario that would hurt us most, and be able to accept that. My WCS with the ex is that she's with someone new, having lots of sex, and happy. Doesn't think about me at all. Finally finding the match that complements her the most. Feels safe and secure. The other WCS is that she's dating lots of different people and getting laid a lot. Again - so what? Why does that bother me? People are free. Can I handle these? Yes, I think I can. We all want to be happy; if she finally is, then that's peachy. Feel free to participate. Again, the intention of this thread is to not be stuck on the ex, but rather to let them go. If this thread does not pick up, then that is fine.
Firstheartbreaksux Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 Its kind of what I've been doing. I have to believe she's out there happy and smiling and flirting, or even in a new relationship. I try to convince myself that she isn't the love of my life or my soulmate. I am already thinking the worst so once I do get over it I can be completely indifferent no matter what the reason was. 2
WiselyNaive Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 (edited) WCS 1 : He has regained feelings for his ex...whether he is acting on it or not...just the thought that he misses her alone would be wcs...anything on top of that wouldnt matter much if she has his heart & thoughts she has everything whether they act on it or not anyway WCS 2: he has met someone new that he actually likes WCS 3: he is just sleeping with a bunch of women...or just a woman..people he doesnt care about or people he does...doesnt matter... Edited September 8, 2015 by WiselyNaive
darkbloom Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 I feel like the worst case scenario is already happening. He's unhappy working a job that's not going anywhere because he's scared. He's dating other girls but none of them are me. He hangs out with people who aren't his friends because he's lost all of the real ones. I accept all of these things because I don't have to deal with them anymore. 2
jen1447 Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 My WCS with the ex is that she's with someone new, having lots of sex, and happy. Doesn't think about me at all. Finally finding the match that complements her the most. Feels safe and secure. This isn't quite what you asked for but I asked my BF almost the exact same question not long after I started up with him (disaster breakup) and his answer was pretty much the opposite of your WCS. she's not with someone new, not having lots of sex, and unhappy. Doesn't think(s) about me. Not finding the match that complements her the most. Doesn't feel safe and secure. 2
bluefeather Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 Is imagining bad things about an ex really a healthy exercise? :/ idk what the worst would be. I just figure she is getting on with her life and moving on relatively well. That could mean finding another lover, or it could not. I don't think it matters either way, because we no longer have a place in each other's lives. The easy choice would be that she is totally enjoying sex with other people... more than with me? hey gl with that! heh heh it's all good. It was kind of a fun challenge for me to try to be the best, so if someone actually was pleasing her better than me, well, I gotta salute them cuz yeah, we had a lotta fun lol If I think about it long enough, I love her. She kind of messed me up for a while and it has (still) been a struggle to get through it, but seriously no matter the pain, I wish her the best... even if it's not with me. So the worst case scenario might actually be that she wasted her life. That someone she chose to confide in over me only helped to bring out the worst in her. That would be very sad.
Author Oregon_Dude Posted September 8, 2015 Author Posted September 8, 2015 Is imagining bad things about an ex really a healthy exercise? :/Well, I'm not imaging *bad* things. I'm considering possibilities that would "hurt" me the most, and trying to get to a place of acceptance of those things. It's not an exercise in masochism for me; it's about getting ahead and facing our worst fears head-on. I understand how this could seem counterproductive to some, though.
Author Oregon_Dude Posted September 8, 2015 Author Posted September 8, 2015 I feel like the worst case scenario is already happening. He's unhappy working a job that's not going anywhere because he's scared. He's dating other girls but none of them are me. He hangs out with people who aren't his friends because he's lost all of the real ones. I accept all of these things because I don't have to deal with them anymore.The good thing about the WCS already happening is that it's pretty much as bad as it can get. And you can begin to heal from here.
bluefeather Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 Well, I'm not imaging *bad* things. I'm considering possibilities that would "hurt" me the most, and trying to get to a place of acceptance of those things. It's not an exercise in masochism for me; it's about getting ahead and facing our worst fears head-on. I understand how this could seem counterproductive to some, though. i see your point. I guess it's like with a lot of exercises. If you come at it with the wrong intention/mind-set, it will not give you the desired result. I guess this kind of helped me, so thanks 1
nugget_718 Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 Hey all. I thought it might help if we dispelled our greatest fears of what our ex is doing. This is an exercise in receiving our own closure. The point is not to obsess over the ex and wonder what they are doing, but to envision the scenario that would hurt us most, and be able to accept that. My WCS with the ex is that she's with someone new, having lots of sex, and happy. Doesn't think about me at all. Finally finding the match that complements her the most. Feels safe and secure. The other WCS is that she's dating lots of different people and getting laid a lot. Again - so what? Why does that bother me? People are free. Can I handle these? Yes, I think I can. We all want to be happy; if she finally is, then that's peachy. Feel free to participate. Again, the intention of this thread is to not be stuck on the ex, but rather to let them go. If this thread does not pick up, then that is fine. My WCS came into fruition just a while ago. My ex-bf married his on and off gf of 13+ years. The person he says he won't go back to because he was tired of facing the same issue for more than a decade. I did imagine it happening because of the immigration situation they're in but I never realized how shocking if feels when it does happen. Now to answer your question, can I handle it? I can...I have no other choice.
Author Oregon_Dude Posted September 8, 2015 Author Posted September 8, 2015 can I handle it? I can...I have no other choice.I'm sorry to hear it hurts so much. But you're right - you ARE handling it. And the good news is, with this particular situation, it really can't get any worse. I would advise to make yourself blind to his life, for your own healing.
nugget_718 Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 I'm sorry to hear it hurts so much. But you're right - you ARE handling it. And the good news is, with this particular situation, it really can't get any worse. I would advise to make yourself blind to his life, for your own healing. I am actually surprise how minimal the hurt part is. Its the disappointment and disgust that is nagging at me. Disappointment because we reconnected 4 months before his supposed wedding and he even did a sleep over for 2 nights but he didn't mention a thing. Then we were just sexting 3 weeks ago telling me what he would do to me when he would have already been married for 2 weeks but he didn't have the balls to tell me. Oh well, they must be really in love and have a very healthy relationship for him to be sexting with an ex 2 weeks after he tied the knot. My consolation is...that would have been me....the girl he marries then cheats on. But I dodged that bullet. 2
bluefeather Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 My consolation is...that would have been me....the girl he marries then cheats on. But I dodged that bullet. A-f'in-men. I can relate and still go by that statement. 2
SoThatHappened Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Not usually a fan of any thread that has you think about an ex, but I found over a year ago that this helped me: I imagined that she was getting tag-teamed by multiple guys while not thinking about me or even remembering my name. That helped desensitize me to what was actually probably going on - her banging her POS co-worker while trying to get back with me. Pretty sure that relationship ended within a few months as she either lost or quit her job. Imagine your worst-case. Really let it sink in. Seriously, that helped me. 1
Jonp219 Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 This isn't quite what you asked for but I asked my BF almost the exact same question not long after I started up with him (disaster breakup) and his answer was pretty much the opposite of your WCS. Really? Damn. This is what he was thinking despite the fact that he experienced a horrible break-up with her? It sounds like detachment at it's absolute best, your boyfriend has a good head on his shoulders. Not too many guys think like this, I know I don't lol.
Jonp219 Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 My WCS is that she's happy, it's that simple. And I know she is, but sometimes I don't know if I am. The ex before my previous ex got married this Saturday and I couldn't be happier for her. She looks like she found a great guy, I wish them the best. If I can't find someone before my ex get's engaged or married, I wont feel the same way about her future endeavors.
jen1447 Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Really? Damn. This is what he was thinking despite the fact that he experienced a horrible break-up with her? It sounds like detachment at it's absolute best, your boyfriend has a good head on his shoulders. Not too many guys think like this, I know I don't lol. He wasn't a superhero and still dealt with all the major rejection issues. (Rather grave issues at that.) He just didn't have the luxury of being able to hate her, in addition to everything else. 1
Methodical Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 I recently faced a potential situation where the worst case scenario would have meant losing a romantic partner. Although our situation is a bit unique, I'd still have been crushed. I was as mentally prepared as a person can feasibly be. Yes, I love her enough that I'd have supported her decision 100%. I can honestly say that her happiness is paramount. If the day ever comes where our partnership dissolves, I believe our foundation is solid and we'll always maintain a special friendship and share a special bond.
Felicite Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 WCS 2: he has met someone new that he actually likes WCS 3: he is just sleeping with a bunch of women...or just a woman..people he doesnt care about or people he does...doesn’t matter... Probably these 2.. + that he will never admit to himself his own mistakes, or believe that I really cared about him and blame me for the ending of the relationship. WCS which are probably already happening, but that's as far as his intelligence can go. 1
Jonp219 Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Overall I believe these thoughts are a little unhealthy. Thinking it's happening is different from knowing it's actually happening. 1
Chronograph Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Worst case scenario 1: I will never, ever see him again, he will never get in touch again. He will never care the slightest bit about me or how I am ever again. Worst case scenario 2: we will meet again but I will realize he has somehow turned into a complete *******, who still thinks the breakup is the best thing that ever happened to him, he doesn't see his faults or mistakes, he just sees my weaknesses and makes me the villain with whom he wasted so many years and now he is truly happy with xyz, married, children, she means much more to him than I ever did. I don't know if I could ever accept this. When I'm reading this now it just creates a huge pain close to feeling sick. I wonder why that is ... I mean isn't it perfectly enough to say: I know what this relationship meant to me. I know what those years meant to me. I know that I tried my best, that I loved him and that we were together and had a really lovely time. So it could be a good memory no matter what. Why would it change only because he would have a total different perspective on the same thing (our relationship, all those years)? I mean why would I let it destroy my good memories? I can't help it if he goes bonkers. 1
jen1447 Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 I don't know if I could ever accept this. When I'm reading this now it just creates a huge pain close to feeling sick. I wonder why that is ... I mean isn't it perfectly enough to say: I know what this relationship meant to me. I know what those years meant to me. I know that I tried my best, that I loved him and that we were together and had a really lovely time. So it could be a good memory no matter what. Why would it change only because he would have a total different perspective on the same thing (our relationship, all those years)? I mean why would I let it destroy my good memories? I can't help it if he goes bonkers. Bc the reason for the goodness of the memories was the connection. When the connection breaks, the memories are unavoidably sullied. You can still think of them as objectively good on their own, but the fact that the other party no longer does or may not put the same value in them marginalizes them intrinsically. Every memory of a shared pleasant experience is colored by the "not anymore" reality.
scooby-philly Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 For me.....not sure what the WCS would be for either recent ex-gf or past ex-fiance. The more recent ex was an attention whore who didn't have anytthing to give - complete taker. Nothing was a partnership so there, I don't think there's a WCS. I think perhaps if pressed I would say WCS would be for her to be with another supportive, successful, nice guy like myself because she needs to learn how to communicate, deal with issues she causes and not go through life without any responsibilities The previous ex to that - she kept my "friends" if you call them that since they chose me over her....so i guess the WCS is for her to be happy and normal, but I think that's not going to happen either so...I guess in the ex department I'm lucky. In one case I was force to move on and in the other I'm happy to have forced the issue..... Now to find that one....lol
DrReplyInRhymes Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Wow, very intriguing thread, I think I'll take a bite! Worst case scenario without giving myself a fright? Only if this based on something that's realistic, it would annoy me to no end if she's telling me she wants to get back together while banging my ex friend.
bluefeather Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 Wow, very intriguing thread, I think I'll take a bite! Worst case scenario without giving myself a fright? Only if this based on something that's realistic, it would annoy me to no end if she's telling me she wants to get back together while banging my ex friend. I have never met you here before, although I must say I look forward to reading more of you, rhyming all the way! 1
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