blackcat777 Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 After a very emotionally intense weekend and my boyfriend initiating serious discussion about moving forward in the future together (he wants to get married after he graduates )... he decided it was finally time for me to meet his mom. My boyfriend's relationship with his mom is strained. He says she is a mean and judgmental person. He is her only child, and she's extremely dominating and controlling. (All of my boyfriend's friends, unilaterally, have told me to be afraid of her, without me ever asking for an opinion.) Early in our relationship, at first I thought the lack of the introduction had something to do with me, but then I realized the dynamic is purely about my boyfriend and his mom. Until he graduates college, he's forced to deal with his mom due to financial entanglements, and he generally wants to keep her as calm as possible until then. Anyway, he finally started telling her about me and decided we should meet. He told her I was four years older (rather than nine), because anything else would cause her to FLIP OUT. His mom is also extremely nosey, and will interrogate me about everything (so I am warned). He says there is a 100% chance she will ask about my age. A friend of mine posted something on my Facebook wall about HIS 28th birthday, and I didn't realize other people's posts on my wall were set to friends of friends, so his mom saw that and suspected I was older. In good conscience, I really can't bring myself to lie to his mom the first day I meet her. I don't know if there's a diplomatic way to shut down the conversation when she asks me (I would like to be judged first as a person, rather than a number). Answering honestly will be throwing my boyfriend into the fire. I asked him if there was a way to connect with her and talk about it, but he says any kind of vague answer will throw her into a panic. She just isn't rational. I am seriously wondering if the best thing to do would be to lie to her for the short term? Her intense reaction is based somewhat on parental concern, which I can empathize with. My boyfriend and I are of the opinion that the number really doesn't matter, and will disappear like smoke when compared to us maintaining a happy, healthy relationship over time. I am proud to say that we've both built something so loving, supportive, and positive together, in light of the parental examples we've both had. Or, if anyone has suggestions for a tactful way to sidestep the answer in a respectful way... this would be ace. I've been unable to think of anything on my own. I really don't know what to do. I don't know if I should meet her and lie... or wait (potentially a few years) to meet her, until my boyfriend has no more entanglements with her that she can hold over him. My boyfriend wants us to meet now. I clean up well and have great manners. I never have problems making a great impression on anyone. I just have no idea how fixated on the subject of age she'll become and how explosive the outcome could possibly be. Thanks, Loveshack <3
autumnnight Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 It does sound like she may be a pill, but I have to say, your BF put you in a very awkward position. If you feel uncomfortable lying, I would tell your BF so. If she really is "scary," then even if the lie gets you acceptance now, it will fly out the window when she finds out the truth, and that will come back on you, not your BF. Even if he does have to deal with her some, he is 28? He is old enough to TELL his mother that you are his girlfriend, period. 2
d0nnivain Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 I would not lie but I would do a lot to avoid the Q.
Maggie4 Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 Tell your boyfriend to tell his mother your real age himself. He had no right to lie about your age and put you in an awkward situation. Tell him if he doesn't tell her beforehand, you will tell her the truth when you meet. If you have to lie, you already put yourself at a lower position, being afraid, no pride, and that insecurity will show, and that's when the domineering types sense it and really let you have it. You look her right in the eyes and say the truth. And hold your space! 4
Gaeta Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 How old is your boyfriend? because what he did is showing some serious immaturity. Lying to his mother about your age? because he's afraid of her? Who does that? You sure you want to be in a relationship with a man who's afraid of his mother? 5
introverted1 Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 So bf is 21 and you are 30? If so, I can see why mom might be concerned.
stillafool Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 If she asks you just say "Do people still ask women their age?", laugh it off and change the subject. 1
empresario Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 At the end of the day, he's a 28 year old MAN. If he still cares what his mother thinks or is dependent on her charity...you should consider if that's the type of man you want in YOUR life. I am a direct person and like to address problems non-passively. Own up to it. Yes you're older than him. But who cares? It's not like you're his mom's age. She will have to deal with you long-term and she WILL find out your real age. It's better to have her as an ally than an enemy if you can manage it. Also, you don't know his mom. There's something to be said about turning expectations into reality. If you think she will be judgmental, she may be just based on how quickly you turn defensive. My advice would be...go in without expectations. Own who you are. Make him own his decisions.
introverted1 Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 At the end of the day, he's a 28 year old MAN. I don't think so. Apparently mom saw OP's Facebook wall which contained a message from a friend of the OP's about his 28th BD. OP said her bf is still in college and entangled with the mom over finances (perhaps she is paying for his school?), so I'm guessing the bf is 21-22. OP is 9 years older.
lollipopspot Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 So bf is 21 and you are 30? If so, I can see why mom might be concerned. Where do you get that? It seems to be 28/37.
empresario Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 I don't think so. Apparently mom saw OP's Facebook wall which contained a message from a friend of the OP's about his 28th BD. OP said her bf is still in college and entangled with the mom over finances (perhaps she is paying for his school?), so I'm guessing the bf is 21-22. OP is 9 years older. Ohhh, that changes the game a bit. Then my recommendation is make sure he's mature enough for this sort of thing. I think I read he's the only child. Sometimes mama's boys replace one mother for another. You want to avoid that at all costs. The duty of a man is to leave his mother and join his wife. 3
kendahke Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 I would wait until after he is no longer financially dependent upon his mother for an.y.thing. before meeting her, if she's that much of a beast. It's really not worth it to be subjected to such a one as her until your boyfriend can finally act like a man and tell her what the law of his land is from now on. As long as he's taking her hand-outs in exchange for a place to live, then I'd put any idea of meeting her out of my head.
elaine567 Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 Where do you get that? It seems to be 28/37. I think the confusion is caused by the fact a friend of the OP posted his birthday, and he is 28, so I guess the OP is around that age too. As his mother is a "friend of a friend", then his mother will have viewed that post on the OP's wall and put two and two together, concerning her real age. If the OP is 28, the bf is 19. 2
Author blackcat777 Posted September 8, 2015 Author Posted September 8, 2015 Thanks to everyone for the replies! Sorry for the confusion, my boyfriend is 20. My bestie posted publicly on my wall when it was my bestie's birthday. I thought about it some more, and the best thing for me to do will be to refuse to meet her until my boyfriend can tell her the truth prior to us meeting. One of my boyfriend's grandparents willed him a *fortune* when passing (he's going to a prestigious school, getting into the medical field, and can graduate without debt), but they did it in a screwed up way so that his mom is still custodian of the account. My boyfriend separated his finances from his mom as soon as he was able, but she still controls whether or not he'll have an insane amount of debt. She refuses to sign it over to him now and I pray to god it's not an issue when he graduates. Some other money family gave to him for school, she already kept for herself (he suspects she spent on alcohol and vacations). My boyfriend lives on his own and pays for everything. It's not like he's accepting handouts from mommy, but she does have a hand in his future, is explosive, and unpredictable. I know she doesn't want him to have any girlfriends right now. She doesn't want to deal with the idea. He's been working on breaking her in. Over the past few months, he started telling her about me, specifically, not just that he has a girlfriend... which he said was a HUUUUUUUUGE thing for him and his mom. My boyfriend's way of keeping her at bay has always been to tell her as little as possible... about anything in his life. He says their relationship is most functional when they see each other once a month. She also has a raging case of empty nest syndrome. When she's not yelling at him and putting him down, she's texting him 24/7 with things like, "my baby boy." I don't want to bring my boyfriend any unnecessary suffering, either. Even if she doesn't do anything super crazy or drastic with disapproval, he'll still have to deal with her... She can be extremely cruel to him (verbally). I met my boyfriend's dad a long time ago. His dad asked how old I was, my boyfriend said, "Old enough to drink!" His dad laughed and that was that. I've also met some of his extended family (even on his mom's side). My boyfriend, all of a sudden, said in his heart he feels like it's time for me to meet his mom. He sprung it on me late Sunday night, and originally wanted to do it yesterday, but I said to reschedule because I didn't know what to do, and I didn't want to lie. So, I will tell him, I don't feel comfortable lying, and he needs to tell her first. If the potential backlash is way too much to risk, we can worry about it later once he's completely disentangled from her. 3
sandylee1 Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 I wouldn't want to lie, so I wouldn't meet her yet. It's not like you guys are about to get married so why the rush to meet her now. He's only 20 and anything can happen between now and a few years. I know meeting the folks is a sign he's serious, but I would not feel comfortable in your situation. She'll just think you're after his cash and make his life hell.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 Men with smothering, needy mothers can really struggle to have healthy relationships with women because of the heavy layers of responsibility the mother puts on his shoulders. Of course, you want him to be "man enough" to establish independence and healthy boundaries with his mother. But when he's been rewarded by her his whole life for being dependent and enmeshed, that's not so easy to do. Old habits die hard. I suggest you be honest, and let her reactions be her own. Given that she meddles in other ways and still talks to him as if he's her baby boy, she's likely to react with drama to any scenario, whether you're 19 or 49. Ultimately, what really matters here is how your man handles the situation. He can't help having an overbearing mother, but he can control how he reacts to her and handles her behavior. Just be kind and polite and see what happens. If he's the right guy for you, he'll handle it and it won't be a problem. If not, that will become clear pretty quickly. 1
Maggie4 Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 Oh, he's under 21. Maybe you should wait a bit before meeting his mother.
joseb Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 I dont think just because a friend is 28 that she would assume you are too. I have friends 5 or 10 years younger and older. Is there a reason you think she thinks he is lying? 8 years isnt a huge gap, but at his age its pretty significant. Guys change A LOT from 21 to, say 28. Just something to think about.
cessna Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 Your boyfriend has put you in am awkward situation there. If she asks, be honest, you're both adults and any age gap is none of her business.
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