Maharishi Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 The guy I've been dating is ALWAYS in a mad rush. The stress is so palpable you can almost taste it and he's constantly discreetly looking at his watch. Every date is something he's sandwiched in in between rushing to his next meeting or dashing off for family commitments. Other than that he is a great person. But I'm starting to feel really tired of this constant stress. His job requires him to work insanely long hours. But on top of that he is dealing with a father who has inoperable cancer who lives about 150 miles away and who he spends most of his free time visiting. In addition he has a 3 year old daughter who lives with her mother 1000s of miles away and he spends one weekend out of four visiting his daughter. I'm starting to feel like he's not worth the constant stress. It almost feels like an illicit affair despite the fact he's single and technically available.
Zagan Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 If you don't feel he's worth it then tell him that. I'm sure he could use the extra time on his work, dying father, and on his daughter. 3
central Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 You have highly incompatible personalities and energy levels, and you are unlikely to ever be a priority for him. Yes, for you this should be a red flag. You should not pursue a relationship with him. 1
Author Maharishi Posted September 8, 2015 Author Posted September 8, 2015 I don't feel he is not worth it as a person. But I am worth something too. How is one supposed to date somebody who NEVER has any time for them, is constantly checking their watch, is too busy much of the time to even text regularly, let alone meet up......? I'm not sure that can be called a potential relationship
Lois_Griffin Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 I absolutely agree with you that you have worth, too. This entire relationship seems to be the All About HIM show. You're just a bit player. I wouldn't waste my time with someone who has clearly shown me that I'm just one of the many things on his to-do list. 1
clam Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 How is one supposed to date somebody who NEVER has any time for them, is constantly checking their watch, is too busy much of the time to even text regularly, let alone meet up......? You can't. He is not "dating material" right now. As in, he has NO TIME for a relationship. 1
Author Maharishi Posted September 8, 2015 Author Posted September 8, 2015 He's jittery and distracted whenever I do see him. Yeah, I think I'll just stop seeing him. I also have to constantly wait for him to confirm plans until he knows his latest hectic work schedule for that week. Then I'm expected to drop everything with about 5 hours notice max. There are typically only about 2 days per fortnight where he can squeeze me in. I could assume he is simply not interested in a relationship with me. But when I do see him he seems to make a genuine effort to meet up with me (dashing straight from the airport or whatever). Plus it's not like he's using me for sex because we are not having sex.
Zagan Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 He genuinely just sounds like he has a lot going on at the moment. His father is dying. A close family member being terminally ill puts a lot of stress onto somebody as well as a hundred other emotions. He is still making an effort to see you when he can, despite all that is going on, which does say something about his character. Seriously, if you're having doubts and feel incompatible with this guy then tell him because the time and effort he is putting into you could be better spent with his father/daughter. 4
Author Maharishi Posted September 8, 2015 Author Posted September 8, 2015 I get the impression he realises that most women would need a little more than he can give right now. I'm not the sort of person who needs to see their man every night or even every week or to text them every day. But even I am already finding this arrangement difficult. I could try to have a talk with him but that's if he ever finds time to even see me again.
Redhead14 Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 The guy I've been dating is ALWAYS in a mad rush. The stress is so palpable you can almost taste it and he's constantly discreetly looking at his watch. Every date is something he's sandwiched in in between rushing to his next meeting or dashing off for family commitments. Other than that he is a great person. But I'm starting to feel really tired of this constant stress. His job requires him to work insanely long hours. But on top of that he is dealing with a father who has inoperable cancer who lives about 150 miles away and who he spends most of his free time visiting. In addition he has a 3 year old daughter who lives with her mother 1000s of miles away and he spends one weekend out of four visiting his daughter. I'm starting to feel like he's not worth the constant stress. It almost feels like an illicit affair despite the fact he's single and technically available. Any dating scenario that causes so much stress, doesn't allow for quality time spent together and one in which you cannot be a priority, isn't worth keeping. 1
Maggie4 Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 He is not himself right now. It's a really bad time for him to start a relationship. 1
Gaeta Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 Between this thread and your other thread my conclusion is your guy is married or in a relationship with someone else. 2
Author Maharishi Posted September 8, 2015 Author Posted September 8, 2015 I don't think so on either count
losangelena Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 I don't think so, either, necessarily. But, between work, his daughter and his father, it also doesn't sound like he needs to be dating at the moment. How long have y'all been dating? Is this a new relationship or something more established? If it's established, I'd say try and wait it out a bit. I know when my dad was dying, I wasn't even thinking about dating. If this is a relatively new thing, I'd tell him to get back in contact when things have calmed down, and then start trying to meet others. If you're both available when he falls back out of the stratosphere, great. If not, then at least you're not waiting around for him. 3
Vintage79 Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 The guy I've been dating is ALWAYS in a mad rush. The stress is so palpable you can almost taste it and he's constantly discreetly looking at his watch. Every date is something he's sandwiched in in between rushing to his next meeting or dashing off for family commitments. Other than that he is a great person. But I'm starting to feel really tired of this constant stress. His job requires him to work insanely long hours. But on top of that he is dealing with a father who has inoperable cancer who lives about 150 miles away and who he spends most of his free time visiting. In addition he has a 3 year old daughter who lives with her mother 1000s of miles away and he spends one weekend out of four visiting his daughter. I'm starting to feel like he's not worth the constant stress. It almost feels like an illicit affair despite the fact he's single and technically available. It's definitely not a red flag - nothing in your post was anywhere near red flag (i.e. he cares about his father and daughter - oh darn) - but you do need to figure out if it's something that you can deal with.
d0nnivain Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 It's not a red flag but is it a predictor of things to come. This man had his hands full & has poor time management skills because at the very least he doesn't understand that he doesn't have time to date. When my parents were dying, I put my marriage on a back burner probably more than I should have but DH understood. There's a difference between a spouse & a GF/BF. If you like him, date him if you can get his schedule to mesh with yours but don't expect behavioral changes. If you can't handle not being a priority stop dating him because new GF comes after work and dying parent. That is just the way of the world. 1
autumnnight Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 I don't think it is necessarily a red flag. However, if his job is that consuming, he is a father, and his own father is dying, it may just be that right now HE simply cannot handle a relationship. One can only be pulled in so many directions, and when one of them involves a terminal illness, it is tough. The biggest question I would have outside the immediate crises is this: will his job always be that stressful and will he always feel compelled to work that much? The daughter of course is a long term commitment - he is her father. It is a sad thing, but at some point, the terminal illness will come to an end The only variable that MIGHT end up a red flag is the job. Some people really do put their job above everything and will not make other things or people a priority. THAT would be the only red flag I would wonder about. 1
Author Maharishi Posted September 8, 2015 Author Posted September 8, 2015 I last saw him approximately 2 weeks ago. He was visibly stressed and constantly glancing at his watch. He had to push back a work meeting to have a coffee with me. He was then about to drive 100+ miles that evening for family stuff and then embark on 5 days of 12 hour shifts followed by a work trip overseas. He's presumably been overseas since Friday when he flew out. We'd made plans to go to a particular restaurant this week. I messaged him (earlier today) to see how his trip is going and he hasn't even taken the time to reply yet. I've now got plans for the rest of this week myself so won't be able to slot into whatever sliver of time he can spare for me
Gary S Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 It Sounds like he's stressed......and his nervousness, like the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland, is making you nervous and uncomfortable. A relationship is supposed to add to your life - not take away from it. However, it's a temporary problem...... people pass on, and kids grow up. You'll just have to decide if you want to tough it out for the first couple of years, until things get better. 1
Author Maharishi Posted September 8, 2015 Author Posted September 8, 2015 . Some people really do put their job above everything and will not make other things or people a priority. THAT would be the only red flag I would wonder about. I've met people before who are kind of addicted to leading lives so busy that there is no time to relate to others or even get to know yourself. A form of escapism, similar to being so drunk that you don't have to feel anything anymore. For some reason he reminds me of those people.
Gary S Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 How long have you been dating him? Also, this might be a good time to consider circular dating.
shet Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 He just sounds like he's got another relationship you don't know about. Nobody in the western world is as busy as he's having you believe. If he genuinely is, then he shouldn't be dating, at all, it's disrespectful to himself and you. Tell him you can't handle his urgency and stress and to call you when his life calms the **** down.
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