stephy.s Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 (edited) Hi guys, I'm a 28 year old F and I broke up with my ex bf 9 months ago and still having a hard time moving on ( i just want some help to know whether it was the wrong thing to do or was it the right thing to do. We were together for 6 years, and we were so compatible it was crazy. It was love at first sight for the both of us and it was our first relationship. We met during university and studied together for 5 years. We shared everything and actually moved in together only 2 months into the relationship. Everyone said how we were made for each other and we thought we would be together for the rest of our lives. We didnt really need anyone else in our little world, and we didnt have many friends and didnt feel the need for them. However, after 5 years, we moved to a new country, and I made many many new friends. I got a lot of male admirers, which I never got in my home country. These new friends and new admirers kind of turned my head a little bit and I started to think about being single (since I've never dated anyone else but my bf). I became very extroverted whereas my bf became even more introverted. I found new hobbies, whereas my bf didnt want to have any. He became a workaholic working 7 days a week, 9-8pm everyday. He loved his job and he would also take his work back too. There was nothing we discussed at home except for work, and he never wanted to go out or make friends. I asked him over the 6 years many times that he should find some hobbies and some friends but he refused. I started to feel that we were incompatible, and I didnt want to live the rest of my life at home, sitting around with no friends or hobbies. Also I wasn't attracted to him physically, although he is quite good looking facially. When we had sex, every time for the last 6 years, I wouldnt be able to get aroused, and he never did foreplay ever, and therefore it always hurt and I would bleed. Because it hurt, I didnt like to have sex, and therefore we would only have it about once a month. I thought that there was something wrong with me. We broke up and both of us were devastated, my bf even more so. 9 months on, I'm doubting my decision, as i cannot find any man who loved me as much as my bf did, and no one was as compatible as he was with me. We used to be able to talk for hours and he cared for me so well and put me as his number one priority. Now I am seeing a guy, who is older than me by 10 years, but I am super attracted to him. He is the second man I've slept with, and I realised that there wasnt anything wrong with me. I have no problems getting aroused, and sex is way more pleasurable. However, on a connection level it is not as good as my ex. He is nice, and he likes me very much, but not that super connection that i used to feel. This guy is not my soulmate although I am attracted to him. This guy is ready to get married to me, and i guess things are moving quite fast. We have only been together for 2 months. I wouldnt consider marrying someone until we have been together for at least 1-2 years, but I do get the feeling this new guy wants to move ahead as he wants kids and he is already 39. He is very affectionate with me all the time and quite generous. However, because of the 10 year age gap, Im a little apprehensive about the relationship but willing to give it a go. I'm not sure if I should have broken up with my ex, as he really was my soulmate (despite the lack of sex). Can I get some opinions on the matter please? I keep finding myself missing my ex, and remembering all those good times we had together and sometimes crying too. I really dont think I can get another soulmate. Edited September 8, 2015 by stephy.s
Caslina Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 Hello, I am sorry for your situation. It takes a long time to get over a 6 years relashionship. You're still not over your ex and still compares him with other men. You need to understand that after sometime your ex becomes a perfect and good because ppl tend to forget the bad part. No other men can rival this image that u created of him. I saw two big problems with your previous relashionship that you both changed into different people and has become incompatible. It's happens like with Angelina Jolie and billy bob. The other problem is sex. If you're not satisfied, you will cheat on him. Trust me. There are many other man that have characteristic to make u fall in love. We just tend to believe we will never something as good as that but it's not true. If you're not sure you can get back to your ex but I can bet you want to leave him again after sometime. Enjoy dating and being single, that's what you wanted right? you will find someone again. Don't worry
EO422 Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 (edited) In my opinion, you MAY have messed up...but no one can truly know the answer besides yourself..after time you will realize... Relationships are about working on things together. Maybe you could have works on the sex thing... Also, yall moved to a new country..he worked 7 days a week so he could provide for YOU and save up for YOU and a possible future family...he had priorities and of course you were up there at the top along with saving for his future kids and being able to provide. How I see it is exactly like I said, e made change now for the better so later everything could have been okay...but then again..I could be totally wrong maybe he worked just because he liked it. I am not one to determine anything...but my ex gf basically did the same thing to me...I had to work to make money and provide for myself as well as saving up for our future and she complained how we never had as much time as she would like to talk and stuff...well I told her that's just how it is, if you want a good life you need to give up some things now to have a better future..I ALWAYS made time for her as well..I would spend as much time as I could with her..but me working drew her attraction away., it's like I had to choose either being poor or providing with safety and security....I stated getting clingy because I saw her pulling away which just pushed her away even more and she got GIGS and has now basically been gone for 2 months..really 1 since the "break up" but a month before that things were changing and I was already hurt and healing... Did you make a mistake? Who knows, you will be able to answer that in time. Don't dwell on this! Take things slow.. As I like to say, EVERYTHING happens for a reason. EVERYHING....down the road you two may come back together as you both have grown more...allowing you to make correct changes and appreciate what you have...life is a learning experience...in all honesty after how my ex broke up with me and how bad it was she is young, and she made a mistake...if she comes back I will take her back because I am a bit older than her, and I understand what she is going through. I understand she is learning..if she doesn't come back well then so be it...I'm not going to sit around and wait though. Neither should you..don't sit and dwell on "was this a mistake"..everything happens for a reason. GROW yourself...learn and mature. If it's meant to be you will be brought back together. If not, you then have the new tools to be a better person and a better lover. Edit: it's only a mistake if you do it twice This was a learning experience, I wouldn't totally call it a mistake! You really had no choice where your mind set was. It would have happened no matter what...remember EVERYTHING happens for a reason! Edited September 8, 2015 by EO422
Deleted User Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 I'm speaking from the other side on this one. If you feel like you have made a mistake, by all means, let your ex know. For all you know, he may be crying his soul over the loss of his love and soulmate. Trust me on this, let him know. Just let him know. Then, and only then, you'll be able to either move forward with a new guy, or get back together and make that relationship work. Now, you're in limbo. He may be, too. I'd love nothing more than have my ex back, honestly. He may be feeling the same. Cheers! 1
Diezel Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 Honestly, it sounds like you made the right decision. You gave at least 943 reasons why you two shouldn't be together and your only reason to want to come back to him is because you haven't found anyone else.. FOR NOW... in just 9 months time. This is the problem with just having ONE partner in your life, you are going to idealize that person because it's all you know. You are already ignoring everything you said in the first half of the post, reasons not to be with him... because of the second person you've gone out with? Why don't you tell 39 year old to put on the brakes or even dump him? Stop missing your ex so much, it seems like you just miss the company and the best parts of the relationship.
EO422 Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 I'm speaking from the other side on this one. If you feel like you have made a mistake, by all means, let your ex know. For all you know, he may be crying his soul over the loss of his love and soulmate. Trust me on this, let him know. Just let him know. Then, and only then, you'll be able to either move forward with a new guy, or get back together and make that relationship work. Now, you're in limbo. He may be, too. I'd love nothing more than have my ex back, honestly. He may be feeling the same. Cheers! THIS IMO... Relationships all have problems..yeah you may have listed reasons why to NOT be in the relationship..but let's face it..everyone can point out flaws in their relationship...they SHOULD be able to....no relationship is perfect. It's a learning experience for both parties all the time...so yes there will be flaws in it..I'm sure you could come up with 9357 reasons not to date this new guy, or the guy after that or after him 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 What is GIGS? Grass Is Greener Syndrome. In other words "I may well find better/more fulfilling, more <insert desired result here> elsewhere...."
Christos Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 The truth is, if 2 people love each other, and can communicate with each other, they can solve any problem in a relationship. But when one of them gets GIGS, then it's over. People are too quick to end a relationship when it is not like a fairy tale, to "find themselves". Western societies have never been more sexually liberated , and yet as sexually and romantically unfullfilled and unhappy, as of now. Instead of fixing our relationships and OURSELVES, we think there is a problem that if we meet another person, will go away. Of course the other person always has problems. And we still are carrying our personal unresolved problems with us, in the new relationship. The grass is rarely greener on the other side, but when we finally get it, it is too late to go back. In my opinion, you made a mistake. You shouldn't have left your soulmate. BUT, now it is too late to go back. Stay where you are, and try making your new relationship work.
Acacia98 Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 stephy.s, Based on your original post, you and your ex don't sound very compatible to me. Consider this one thing you said: When we had sex, every time for the last 6 years, I wouldnt be able to get aroused, and he never did foreplay ever, and therefore it always hurt and I would bleed. Because it hurt, I didnt like to have sex, and therefore we would only have it about once a month. I thought that there was something wrong with me. There's nothing remotely "soulmatey" about a guy not being interested enough in pleasing you to try foreplay. You don't say what his attitude was towards this situation. Was he okay with you enduring painful sex and bleeding every single time? Why didn't he ever engage in foreplay? Did he not know how to? Did he have negative hangups about sex for religious/cultural reasons? Did he just not care? Whatever the reasons, incompatibility in this arena would have been a huge stumbling block even if you hadn't let other guys' interest get to your head. Mind you, this is about more than sexual compatibility. It's about stuff like basic consideration and someone loving you so much that he doesn't want to hurt you physically. I believe your relationship was not as idyllic as you seem to believe it was. You may have fallen into the trap of romanticizing it and ignoring all the flaws, big and small, that characterized it. That's very easy to do with your first relationship. It will be hard for you to move on emotionally if you continue to romanticize your relationship. So maybe you should devote some time to looking at your relationship from a new perspective: a brutally honest one. It may be difficult to do that if you don't have much relationship experience. So I strongly suggest doing some reading on healthy relationships and compatibility. Perhaps someone can suggest some good books or websites? You could also do Google searches on terms like "healthy relationships", "compatibility", "enmeshment", "co-dependence." Here's a couple of articles I just found. They may be useful. The specifics may or may not apply to your experience. If they actually don't apply to you, they may still give you insight into relationship dynamics in general: The Danger of Enmeshed Relationships | Love Addiction Treatment Help for Codependents Whose Relationships are Ending | Psych Central It would also help to read what other people on this forum have written. You may recognize patterns in their experiences that are similar to your own.
EO422 Posted September 9, 2015 Posted September 9, 2015 stephy.s, Based on your original post, you and your ex don't sound very compatible to me. Consider this one thing you said: When we had sex, every time for the last 6 years, I wouldnt be able to get aroused, and he never did foreplay ever, and therefore it always hurt and I would bleed. Because it hurt, I didnt like to have sex, and therefore we would only have it about once a month. I thought that there was something wrong with me. There's nothing remotely "soulmatey" about a guy not being interested enough in pleasing you to try foreplay. You don't say what his attitude was towards this situation. Was he okay with you enduring painful sex and bleeding every single time? Why didn't he ever engage in foreplay? Did he not know how to? Did he have negative hangups about sex for religious/cultural reasons? Did he just not care? Whatever the reasons, incompatibility in this arena would have been a huge stumbling block even if you hadn't let other guys' interest get to your head. Mind you, this is about more than sexual compatibility. It's about stuff like basic consideration and someone loving you so much that he doesn't want to hurt you physically. I believe your relationship was not as idyllic as you seem to believe it was. You may have fallen into the trap of romanticizing it and ignoring all the flaws, big and small, that characterized it. That's very easy to do with your first relationship. It will be hard for you to move on emotionally if you continue to romanticize your relationship. So maybe you should devote some time to looking at your relationship from a new perspective: a brutally honest one. It may be difficult to do that if you don't have much relationship experience. So I strongly suggest doing some reading on healthy relationships and compatibility. Perhaps someone can suggest some good books or websites? You could also do Google searches on terms like "healthy relationships", "compatibility", "enmeshment", "co-dependence." Here's a couple of articles I just found. They may be useful. The specifics may or may not apply to your experience. If they actually don't apply to you, they may still give you insight into relationship dynamics in general: The Danger of Enmeshed Relationships | Love Addiction Treatment Help for Codependents Whose Relationships are Ending | Psych Central It would also help to read what other people on this forum have written. You may recognize patterns in their experiences that are similar to your own. True, a lot of this is true! But think about it..if the sex was THAT BAD...I think you would have left well earlier...not have waited 6 years..it was obviously SOEMTHING you could deal with..and yeah maybe it could be worked out...or now maybe he WILL work it out if you decide to go back with him. Basically, if the sex was a huge deal you would not have waited 6 years to dump him for that reason. I do believe you have every right to be sexually pleased tho. That is certain...but bailing when it gets rough and rocky, which seems to have happened..isn't the correct course of action. Did you have a TRUE talk with him about it? Did you sit him down and tell him how it makes you feel, that you want him to do this or that because you will enjoy it more as well as himself? Or were you just like "oh hey we are having sex rn but let's do foreplay at some point in the future"...I think if you delt with it for 6 years it couldn't have been that bad!! I am one of those people that believe sex isn't everything in a relationship..yeah it may be rocky sometimes...but ultimately for some reason I have always loved my partner and that in itself just made it intimate enough...yeah I am a guy and I love sex...but hell i didn't make the relationship revolve around it!!! In my head I feel like in the future t wouldn't matter! What would yall do when you got older and neither of you could have sex due to age?! It's the same thing. Again! That is my opinion! People have different priorities when it comes to relationships. I am certainly not one nor should anyone be to put those in order for you
Recommended Posts