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Narcissistic ex, how to recover?


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Posted

Hi my fellow LoveShack friends,

 

I'm a 21-year old guy. Two months ago, my relationship ended and I am still struggling with it. My self-esteem has never been this low. In hindsight, my ex put all the blame on me and took zero responsibility. It was all my fault according to her. Could she have been narcissistic? There were some interesting things going on:

 

-She was putting me (and everyone around her) down constantly. I was always walking on eggshells, I couldn't do anything right.

-She was very controlling. Everything should always be done her way. I was not allowed to talk to certain people and female friends.

-She was very romantic, gave presents and then suddenly she turned cold after 3 months. She dumped me and started dating straight away.

-When I tried to communicate with her, she always stonewalled me. She couldn't talk about feelings (maybe she didn't have any?).

-I always noticed something was off, she was always wearing a mask.

-Always checking my phone, she was extremely jealous.

-She never showed any empathy towards me.

-It was always about her. I had to give her all my love and attention but never got much back.

 

Now, I have had a rough childhood myself. My father was emotionally abusive towards my mother, she had an addiction and they filed for divorce when I was 9. I was also bullied for nearly 10 years. I read somewhere that narcissists are attracted to sensitive men with low self-esteem.

 

My question: how do I recover from these traumatic events, how do I build self-confidence and how do I prevent a narcissist from entering my life ever again?

 

Thanks :)

Posted (edited)

It's quite possible that she was a narcissist. The description fits, but you have to be careful about labeling without an official diagnosis (it drives the forum narcissists nuts). Just suffice it to say she exhibited narcissistic characteristics.

 

You need to find a good therapist. It's true that narcissists target those who are vulnerable. They are good at spotting people who drawn to abuse, usually due to not having been valued and feeling unworthy of reciprocal love and affection... whereas people who do feel worthy wouldn't waste five more minutes indulging their cruel treatment. There is a label for that too- codependency.

 

There is a good book that you perhaps unwittingly mentioned in your post called "Stop Walking on Eggshells." It's actually written for victims of borderlines (BPD) but BPD and NPD are similar enough that it would still be valuable.

 

Recovery and narcissist-proofing yourself for the future is a process, and not something that you can do effectively without therapy. I suggest you get a referral from someone in the mental health community as you need to make sure you find one that really knows what they're doing or else it will be a waste of time. Go to TED.com and watch some of the Brene' Brown talks in the meantime. They will help open your heart and mind to the issues you're facing. Good luck.

Edited by salparadise
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Posted
It's quite possible that she was a narcissist. The description fits, but you have to be careful about labeling without an official diagnosis (it drives the forum narcissists nuts). Just suffice it to say she exhibited narcissistic characteristics.

 

You need to find a good therapist. It's true that narcissists target those who are vulnerable. They are good at spotting people who drawn to abuse, usually due to not having been valued and feeling unworthy of reciprocal love and affection... whereas people who do feel worthy wouldn't waste five more minutes indulging their cruel treatment. There is a label for that too- codependency.

 

There is a good book that you perhaps unwittingly mentioned in your post called "Stop Walking on Eggshells." It's actually written for victims of borderlines (BPD) but BPD and NPD are similar enough that it would still be valuable.

 

Recovery and narcissist-proofing yourself for the future is a process, and not something that you can do effectively without therapy. I suggest you get a referral from someone in the mental health community as you need to make sure you find one that really knows what they're doing or else it will be a waste of time. Go to TED.com and watch some of the Brene' Brown talks in the meantime. They will help open your heart and mind to the issues you're facing. Good luck.

 

Thank you. You're right, I'm not qualified to label them with a disorder. It's bizarre that I put up with someone who constantly belittled me. But hey - I thought they were just a little cranky and I needed to give them more support and love. Unfortunately, that just made it worse.

 

I have seen multiple psychiatrists and psychologists, but they could never really help me with anything. I'll check out the TED video's and the book.

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